So, What Exactly Is ‘Wokefishing’ Anyway?
We've heard of catfishing, blackfishing, and now the new phenomenon in the dating game is wokefishing. As if dating couldn't get any more complicated. With online dating getting a resurgence amid the pandemic, there is a slew of online users who are utilizing an all-new manipulative tactic to reel you in, get a date, and/or try to get you in bed. And it has everything to do with being woke.
No, we aren't talking hoteps. We're specifically talking about baits its unsuspecting daters into thinking that they're aligned with womanist views or that they've read and reread Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot, or that the thoughts they have about the latest in politics directly mirror yours. Also, #BLM isn't just a trend for them, it's a lifestyle. For all intents and purposes, the person that's your 'match' on this app has political views that are so left, they can't even see right, and the depth they portray tap into your deepest sapiosexual fantasies. Well ladies, without even realizing, you might be getting wokefished. And since what you're seeing isn't what you're getting, therein lies the issue.
Before you have a panic attack and throw your phone, let me provide insight into exactly what wokefishing is and how you can avoid being baited into this ever happening to you.
So, what is wokefishing?
Learned about this word today #wokefishing pic.twitter.com/DOr8heeLDH
— Nathalie Martinek PhD (@NatsforDocs) September 2, 2020
Coined by VICE, wokefishing is a dating term that refers to people that portray themselves as being "woke" or having progressive political ideologies and views as a means to lure in partners who have those beliefs. Furthermore, a person wokefishing "may present themselves as a protest-attending, sex-positive, anti-racist, and an intersectional feminist." However, in reality, they use that to waste your time and piss you off. Depending on the climate, they use a moment in time to reel prospects. For example, when the death of Black lives at the police's hands is circulating in the news, those who indulge in wokefishing may lead the conversations about racism and how pro-black or anti-racist they may be to appeal to your interest in social justice issues.
Men stay wokefishing and will be the most abusive and violent.
— glo$$ (@GloryAliu) August 30, 2020
The political landscape is no longer something to veer away from with perfect strangers. In fact, politics tends to spew over into our everyday lives. Whether it be at work, the news, something we see on social media, or life imitating art on movies and shows, we've come to a point where we are forced to think deeper. Our initial conversations in dating apps sometimes reflects this. Ice breakers these days look more like social issues and the unapologetic battle cry of "arrest the cops who killed Breonna Taylor". Wokefishers take advantage of appearing to have a connection with you by capitalizing on a perceived shared interest in social issues.
How do you spot a wokefisher?
Study The Non-Verbal Cues
What a person doesn't say tends to speak louder than what they do say. So, if your date's intentions become called into question, keep an eye on their response to certain scenarios. For example, casually ask them a question about a viral video or a new cause picking up steam, pay attention to what they do. Are they pretending to seem up-to-date on matters, do they look confused or seem unclear on the subject overall? Do they tend to allow you to do more of the talking to seem more engrossed in your opinion? If conversations seem to be one-sided, with no feedback or opinion, that's a red flag.
Speaking of red flags...
If Someone Is Trying Too Hard To Gain Your Trust, It's A Red Flag
I don't know about you but I get turned off by men who try too hard. Persistence I can deal with, but going above and beyond to gas me up and not being authentic in the process is something different. Having someone always saying "amen" to your thoughts and opinions without rarely giving any of their own might seem like a match-made in effortless heaven, but a vibe with no pushback and no offering of a different perspective, does not make for an interesting conversation. What you might be experiencing instead is a lot of love-bombing, which is another manipulative technique daters do in order to leave your mind all twisted up and accelerate the connection in the process.
Indirectly Inquire About Topics That Reveal Their Core Beliefs
The wokefisher will allow you to talk so that they can agree to everything. The hope is that the agreeance will make you feel bonded to them, and rather quickly at that. To test how "woke" the person you're interacting with really is, try asking specific questions regarding whatever topic at hand. If the person you're talking to states that they're a feminist, then ask what it is about feminism that makes them a supporter? Ask about ideals or perspectives that might be rooted in feminism, like inclusion and equal pay in the workplace, and have them expound on those ideals. Likewise, a sex-positive dater should be able to dabble in hot topics like "WAP" with nuance that suggests they are confident in women owning their sexuality unapologetically. If they look at you dazed and confused or state views that are in direct opposition of their "stance", then run sis. They are not the one and should not even be a contender.
There are so many pitfalls that come from online it can be difficult to keep up. With so many rules and regulations that come with another set of rules and regulations, it can be discouraging. But, if we ask the right questions and not ignore the red flags, we will save ourselves so much time. Wokefishing being one of them.
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Writer, Empath, Listener, Self Improver, and a motivational speaker to her homegirls Teisha LeShea currently resides in California who loves to add fifteen million items to her Amazon cart. She is passionate about wellness, spiritual improvement, leveling up, and setting up twice a month therapy appointments. She writes with you in mind. Her listicle and personal stories will inspire you to dig deep within yourself to be a better you. You can follow her on Instagram @teisha.leshea and & @tl_teisha.leshea
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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