Well, It's About Damn Time: Why 'Dry Dating' & 'Hard-Balling' Are Huge 2022 Dating Trends
Back when I used to mentor teens via a high school program that I was a part of, something that used to trigger me to sigh, incessantly so, was the fact that they had absolutely no idea what a date was. To them, having some guy hang out at their house when their mama wasn’t home and then having sex with him before she came back qualified. Low bar. LOW. DAMN. BAR.
You know what, though? I’ve been talking to a lot of women who are 10-30 years past graduating from high school and, fascinatingly enough, it appears that a lot of them haven’t been on any official dates either. The realization is actually what inspired me to write “Have You Ever Wondered What Qualifies As A REAL Date?” (if you’re not sure if you’ve ever been on a date before, PLEASE check it out). And then, as if the universe was totally cosigning on my le sighs, I peeped that some of the biggest dating trends for this year consists of spending less time in someone’s bed (at least initially) and more time getting to know each other in other ways — and I was beyond thrilled to hear it!
Are you ready to hear about some dating trends that your grandmama can actually smile about? Here we go.
What in the World Is Dry Dating?
OK, so if someone was a heavy drinker and they declared that they were going to go “dry” for a season, what would that cause you to think? If your answer is that they aren’t going to have any alcohol for a while, you would be exactly right. And along these same lines, that’s what dry dating is all about — it’s about removing all forms of physical affection and sexual intimacy in exchange for making more mental and emotional connections with someone (again, initially). As a matter of fact, most dating experts who speak on the topic of dry dating say that it also includes avoiding a semi-standard goodnight kiss.
So, what are you supposed to do instead? See, if you have to ask that question, then I know you’re someone who hasn’t been properly dated in a while. Visit a museum or art gallery. Do some sightseeing. Take a class together. Try out each other’s favorite restaurants. Go on a wine or brewery tour. Discuss each other’s top love languages and plan dates around each (check out “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language”). Go ice or roller skating. Take each other to a personal must-see spot in the city. Go out for breakfast or brunch instead of the traditional dinner. Try a Sip and See.
I promise you, once you take anything physical totally off of the table, you’ll be amazed by how much you both can tap into your creative pools to come up with some cool ways to spend some quality time together. That is if you both succeed in passing the hard-ball round which brings me to my next point.
What the Heck Is Hard-Balling?
I’m gonna be honest. When I first read about this particular trend, initially, I was a little bit on the iffy side about sharing/recommending it because I’ve had a few single clients who tend to take this to the ultimate extreme. Before getting into all of that, though, I guess I should share what hard-balling is all about. Back in the day, some of the women I know called it “dating to marry” or “dating with a purpose.” While, on a lot of levels, that is definitely considered to be hard-balling all right, it’s basically what you do when you make sure to state your intentions and expectations on the front end — before a date even transpires.
As far as pros and cons go, a “pro” to this is, to a certain degree, you can get to know where someone’s head is and what their intentions are before gracing them with your physical presence — and well, since none of us can ever get wasted time back, that’s a good thing. The flip side to this is, if you go on-10 with your approach and conversations come off as interrogations, it could turn your “date potential” off, whether they were initially on the same page as you or not.
That’s why, if you decide to go the hard-balling route, it’s still a really wise idea to take the casual conversation approach. Maybe play a round of 20 questions (avoid making all of them super serious too) or do a Zoom call where you both greet each other with a glass of wine. If you state what you are interested in, in that type of setting, the mood is more relaxed; plus, you can read each other’s body language.
Listen, a lot of folks don’t wanna hear me on this but far too often, questioning can be so aggressive that it causes people to think that they have to put a wall up to protect themselves. That’s not what hard-balling should be about. The main objective is to get some of the usual first date questions out of the way so that your date can put you at ease because you know that both of you are pretty much looking for the same things.
How Both of These Can Make Dating in the New Year So Much Better
And just why do I think, in my humble opinion, that more people should be down with dry dating and hard-balling in 2022? A lot of it has to do with something that I’ve shared on this platform before. A lot of y’all know that I’m not the biggest fan of the word “casual,” especially when it comes to sex and matters of the heart because I know what the word means — “without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing,” “seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned” and “without emotional intimacy or commitment.” I mean, if at the end of the day, this is totally what you are looking for, you’re grown and do you.
However, if you’re someone who is on the verge of never wanting to date again because either you’re fed up with piss-poor experiences or because you’re not even sure you’ve been on what would qualify as a real date, refusing anything casual, hard-balling out of the gate and setting the standard of dry dating, at least for 3-5 dates certainly can’t hurt anything. More times than not, it can only help matters.
Matter of fact, this brings me to another dating trend that’s going to be all-the-way live this year — fast-forwarding. And just what is that? It’s when, after going on a few dates with someone, you “fast-forward” into what you want your relational future to look like, and then you have a serious and realistic conversation with yourself about whether or not he fits the bill. NO, fast-forwarding is not about asking a man if he sees you as his wife after four dates (goodness!). Fast-forwarding is simply…say that you want kids in the next five years and the guy you’re dating is smart, funny, and totally your vibe but he has children already and isn’t really interested in having any more.
Why keep investing on a profound level when he doesn’t want the same things for his future self that you do? Exactly. Now believe you me, as far as dating trends go, there is gonna be some bullshishery out in these streets (like “icing out” where people use COVID as an excuse to ghost folks and “wokefishing” where folks act like they care about the plight of Blackness when they actually…don’t). Yet if 2022 is the year when you’ve declared, “I’m done wasting my time, dammit! I’m gonna date with wisdom and intention,” then there are some responsible trends that have your back.
Don’t be afraid to dry date, hard-ball, or fast-forward. It’s the best way to weed out the nonsense so that you can get closer to what you want — and need. Happy New Year, y’all!
Featured image by Getty Images
- 'Future Faking' Is The Current Dating Trend To Be Leery Of ... ›
- 7 Dating Trends To Avoid At All Costs + How To Avoid Them ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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