Now that the fall season is officially settling its way on in, it’s time to ramp up on our favorite warm drinks. And while, for me, what tops the list is hot chocolate and apple cider, being that I grew up in a home that was consistently stocked with various kinds of herbal tea, that’s why I enjoy writing so much about tea (and all of the ways that it can benefit you) for this platform. I’ve written about teas that can improve your sex life (here), teas that are good for maintaining vaginal health (here), not-so-common teas that are beneficial for your overall health and well-being (here), and even teas that are perfect for this time of the year (here).
Yet one thing that I haven’t covered (until today) is the different types of tea that not only are delightful to consume during this time of the year, they are also able to get your hair right where you want it to be. And since cooler weather is typically what causes us to consider consuming tea more often — why not doubly bless yourself by stacking up on your own collection so that you cut the body chills and reach many of your hair goals at the same time, too?
1. Black Tea
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Even though I’m a big fan of iced chai lattes (they contain black tea, which is why they’re relevant here), it wasn’t until I was doing some research on this topic that I discovered that black tea is currently the most popular tea worldwide. When you stop to think about the fact that black tea is good for you when it comes to lowering blood sugar levels, increasing your focus and productivity levels, making your gut healthier, decreasing your risk of a stroke, and keeping your cholesterol levels in check — you definitely should give black tea a try, if you haven’t already.
Why does your hair like it? The thing about teas is, whether you use them as an herbal hair rinse or you drink them, they can do wonders. For instance, not only is black tea loaded with antioxidants that can protect your hair from heat damage (the sun still shines during the fall and winter seasons), but it can also help to keep your scalp in great shape and reduce hair shedding. Not only that, but word on the street is, black tea is also beneficial when it comes to boosting your hair color and making your locks appear shiny (or shinier) too.
2. Rosemary Tea
Rosemary has so many uses. It’s used as a seasoning for food. It’s in many beauty products. And it definitely comes with quite a few impressive health benefits. Thanks to all of the antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties that it contains, rosemary aids in proper digestion, boosting cognitive function and even enhancing your memory. As far as vaginal health goes, rosemary oil can help to speed up the healing process of certain infections, and, skin-wise, it can help to boost hydration and elasticity.
Your hair will adore rosemary tea because its antifungal and antibacterial properties will keep your scalp healthy, reduce dandruff, and keep your scalp and hair moisturized while ultimately playing a role in promoting overall hair strength and growth.
3. Peppermint Tea
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Peppermint tea is one of my faves, year-round. It’s probably because I’m such a fan of mint. Anyway, it’s able to soothe headaches and migraines, unclog your sinuses, help prevent bacterial infections, bring relief to menstrual cramps, decrease allergy-related symptoms, assist with weight loss, and also make it easier to fall (and stay) asleep.
The menthol in peppermint tea is why it gets a shout-out here. Whether you drink the tea or use it as a hair rinse, it will increase blood circulation to your scalp so that your hair follicles are able to get the nutrients that they need. Oh, and since peppermint oil has been proven to aid in hair growth, something tells me that the properties of peppermint tea are able to do the same.
4. Chamomile Tea
I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the first thing that comes to mind whenever you hear “chamomile tea” is that it helps you sleep. The backstory there is it contains an antioxidant called apigenin that helps to relax your system. Some other ways that chamomile is helpful are it reduces anxiety, regulates blood sugar levels, soothes an upset stomach, brings relief to period cramps, and can even help to reduce skin inflammation.
Since it’s a tea that is also filled with antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties, if you’re looking for a way to keep your scalp in great shape from the inside out, chamomile tea is the one for you (as a hair rinse, it can help to prevent split ends too).
5. Oolong Tea
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Oolong is a kind of Chinese tea that you definitely should have in your own tea collection. For starters, if you’re looking for a coffee alternative that will provide you with a solid caffeine boost, oolong has more caffeine in it than even green tea does. Interestingly enough, even though it can give you more energy, oolong also contains the amino acid L-theanine which is a pretty effective de-stressor. Some other bonuses about this particular tea are that it helps to naturally protect against diabetes-related complications, plays a role in burning body fat, and even aids in strengthening teeth and bones.
As a rinse, oolong tea has a reputation for helping to prevent hair loss. Whether you pour it on your tresses or drink it, oolong can help to bring strength and shine to your locks over time. Also, whether you’re drinking it or applying it as a hair rinse, it will boost blood circulation — and that will help to strengthen your hair follicles so that they remain nice and strong.
6. Calendula Tea
Another tea that’s filled with antioxidants is calendula tea. Between that and all of the anti-inflammatory properties that it contains, you can rely on this tea to reduce oxidative stress. Some other great things about calendula are it has antifungal and antimicrobial properties that can help to fight off yeast infections and early signs of gum disease. And if you’re looking for an herbal tea that will help to slow down the signs of aging, it’s able to do that as well.
On the hair front, if what you want, more than just about anything in this world right now is a natural tea remedy that will help you to combat frizz; calendula can assist with making your cuticles smoother as well as shinier.
7. Red Clover Tea
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If any of the teas on this list is hailed as a “women’s tea,” it would have to be red clover. That’s because it contains isoflavones, which mimic estrogen, which can make menopause-related symptoms easier to bear. Some other cool things about this particular tea are it helps to lower cholesterol levels, strengthens your heart, and can support bone health as you age.
Your hair? Your hair will like the properties of red clover because the antioxidants in it can also help menopausal women maintain the appearance and texture of their locks once their estrogen levels begin to decline (due to menopause).
8. Hibiscus Tea
Probably the most colorful tea out of the bunch is hibiscus tea. It’s a beautiful bright red hue that also benefits you in a lot of ways. Not only does its antibiotics help to reduce bodily inflammation, it also helps to lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels. Plus, hibiscus aids in fighting off bad bacteria (like E.coli) and keeping your liver in good working condition.
Since this is a type of tea that has calcium, iron, and vitamin C in it, it can be beneficial for hair growth because they all help with the process of growing healthy and long hair. Calcium helps to strengthen your hair follicles, iron helps to reduce hair loss and shedding and vitamin C helps to produce collagen; collagen keeps elasticity in your hair which ultimately results in less breakage. Collagen also helps to slow down premature graying which is always a bonus.
9. Nettle Tea
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Although it’s not the type of tea that makes most people’s top 10 list, that doesn’t make it any less beneficial…for a myriad of reasons. If you’re someone who battles with allergies (especially around this time of the year), you want to naturally boost your immune system, you’re looking for relief from arthritic pain, and/or you’re recovering from a urinary tract infection (UTI), nettle tea has your back in all over these instances.
When it comes to your hair, if you’re looking for a tea that contains properties that will help to strengthen your tresses and stimulate hair growth, nettle is also gaining traction on being a solid tea for those things. For the record, as an herbal rinse, it can bring relief to scalp irritation, too.
10. Sage Tea
If minty-meets-slightly-bitter is your thing, sage tea is ideal. Health-wise, it can do everything from improve your cognitive function and put you in a better mood to regulate your blood sugar levels and ease morning sickness. Since sage, in general, contains antimicrobial properties, sage tea can also help you to maintain good oral hygiene, and since it also mimics estrogen, some menopausal women are fans of it as well.
In some ways, I saved the best for last when it comes to hair because sage has a great reputation for helping to prevent hair loss, restoring shine to your locks, stimulating hair growth, and keeping grays from looking quite so obvious.
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Gee, how could you not want to run out to your local health food store to get you a few of these? Now that it’s time to start doing some layering (of clothes), adding more (warm) tea to your life is money well spent — head to toe. Literally.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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