In this digital-focused, post-COVID era that we’re living in, isolation has become the normality.
According to recent studies, more than 50% of Americans are currently grappling with feelings of loneliness, calling our lack (and need) for social connection a “loneliness crisis.”
Why You Need a Third Place
With so much of our lives revolving around our connection to our phones, work schedules, and the comfort of staying home, a need for spaces that act as neutral ground to form new human connections has resurfaced. A space best known as a “third place.”
What Is a Third Place?
"Third places" refer to social environments that are separate from our homes (first place) and workplaces (second place). The concept of third places was popularized by sociologist Ray Oldenburg in his 1989 book, The Great Good Place,and are defined as informal gathering spots where people can relax, socialize, and build community connections.
“These are often coffee shops, cafes, gyms, hair/nail salons, dog parks, co-working spaces, workout classes, or bookstores,” Melody Warnick, author of This Is Where You Belong: Finding Home Wherever You Are, tells xoNecole. “The thing that defines third places is that they have regulars; people who show up every single day, or once a week, are in community together, and are engaging in conversations.”
Imagining a third place may take you back to episodes of Moesha where the characters met at The Den, hearing your mother and aunties recall stories from their beauty shop appointments and even college days where times in between classes were spent at the student center.
Third places have always been around us, but the key to finding these spaces today is to go where Warnick says, “Everyone is agreeing to have this social experience.”
A third place refers to social environments that are separate from our homes and workplaces.
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How To Find a Third Place
When looking for a third place, Warnick shares that there are a few factors to consider in order to find a space that best suits you.
Neighborhood-Friendly: “It needs to be someplace that is already in your neighborhood or on your daily route,” Warnick says.
A Gathering Spot: Warnick says to look for “someplace where people are already gathering, where you see people hanging out, and are spending a good chunk of their time.”
Loud and Small: Finding a place that has a little bit of casual chatter is a good sign because “that means people are talking together, it's not a silent workspace where you're gonna get dirty looks if you say something.”
Welcoming Regulars: “You want to go to a place that is accepting of newcomers. You want a place where you can go as the new person, and over time, you can start to break into the crowd as a regular.”
The Benefits of Having a Third Place
Gathering, socializing, and forming new and lasting bonds not only benefit us on an individual level but also contributes to the forward motion of our collective experience. And with the structures of our days being centered around work and going straight home, it’s made our lives seem small and insular.
However, Warnicks shares that third places expand our world by becoming more community-focused and connecting with “familiar strangers.”
“Finding a third place can introduce you to people whose paths you might not normally cross. Like people who are older than you, from different backgrounds or jobs. It creates this sort of neutral space for being together with other people,” she shares.
“A huge part of how we feel like we're members of a community is by being a part of something that’s bigger than us. When you feel like a place is your own, all of a sudden, you feel engaged, like this place matters to you, and that makes you feel responsible for it and makes you want to make your place better.”
Finding a third place can introduce you to people whose paths you might not normally cross.
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Breaking the Ice
While it does take time, consistency, and intention to find a third place that feels welcoming, Warnick shares that finding community in real life starts with the individuals you’ve grown acquainted with online.
“Finding people in your city who have a social media presence can give you an entry point for meeting new people and your community,” Warnick says. She also recommends going on tech-free walks and outings to truly open yourself up to having conversations and meeting new people.
“It’s kind of a leap of faith because we're used to using our devices as a security blanket. You know, [you] don't know anyone, and we're in an unfamiliar situation. But you have to tell yourself, ‘Hey, it’s going to be awkward, but I’m opening myself up to noticing the people around me and starting a conversation with someone that I wouldn't have met otherwise.'"
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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