They say you never forget your “first.” From a first kiss to our first pair of kicks, each moment becomes a memory that shapes us forever. For Jourdan Ash, creator of the sneaker and streetwear platform True To Us, her first subway ride after moving to Harlem from Detroit served as an official initiation into East coast sneaker culture. “I stepped on somebody's sneakers,” Jourdan recalls. An offense that, while pardonable (she was six years old after all), still held minor repercussions. “[The girl] was really upset that I stepped on her sneakers, to the point where my mom and her had words about it,” she tells xoNecole. Even in her innocence, the encounter brought Jourdan to an illuminating realization, “People really care about sneakers.”
“Growing up in New York, I realized a lot more that people will look at your shoes first before they decide to speak to you, so I had to get that together real quick,” she says. Coming of age in the mecca of streetwear culture gave Jourdan a unique perspective on the significance of sneakers and the people who wore them. One that proved why these footwear staples were more than just coverings for your feet — but a lifestyle and symbol for self-expression.
In February 2020, Jourdan was in pursuit of a potential social media job at a popular streetwear publication. For the edit test, she was tasked with creating an Instagram account from scratch. After noticing the lack of representation of Black women and men on the brand’s page, Jourdan decided to curate a mockup that was inclusive and reflective of her culture and community. “I built it in a way that I wanted to see certain things,” she says. While the position was dissolved due to COVID, Jourdan was determined to put this project to use, and thus, True To Us was born.
Sarai Garcia
True To Us is an online platform dedicated to Black and brown women to amplify their voices and presence in the sneaker industry and the streetwear culture. “The community was there immediately because there were so many women and people who just wanted to talk about sneakers and streetwear without feeling belittled,” she says. “If I didn't have that embarrassing moment when I was six, just for stepping on somebody's sneakers, who knows where I would be?”
With her unique merch and insightful podcast, True to Us Talks, Jourdan continues to use her platform to amplify the ever-growing population of women within the sneaker industry and provide her community with the tools and resources necessary to shape their path into the streetwear industry.
xoNecole: From your work with notable brands to your podcast, Dating In NYC, one of the things I love most about your work is how community-focused it is. Tell us more about the importance of community-building and how it’s played a role in growing your brand.
Jourdan Ash: Community building is important because a lot of people think they can buy their way in. When we think about gentrification, it's the same thing; you think because you can afford to be here that you are a part of the community and maybe that's not true. For me, building community has always been important from the bottom up. For example, I like to volunteer. I don't just say, ‘Hey, I'm here,’ and impose myself. I build community, I talk to people, and I come back every week to volunteer. I can't say I love something without helping it.
Sarai Garcia
So if I say I love the Bronx, why wouldn’t I volunteer in the Bronx? If I say I love streetwear and sneakers, why wouldn’t I hold space for people in it? Why wouldn’t I help other people? Why wouldn't I say other people's names?
"I can't say I love something without helping it."
In terms of authenticity, people are always going to know when you buy yourself in. People are always going to know when you’re posing or pretending, especially in New York. It's very obvious when they're not of the culture or replenishing the culture. I think a lot of people use the culture, Black and brown folks, and all these really amazing, beautiful things as a resource, and they don't replenish, and that's the issue. So that's why community building is always so important to me. Whenever I have any type of partnership, I always make sure that there's something that goes back because you have to replenish what you just took.
xoN: What have you learned the most from the women you’ve encountered within the streetwear and sneaker industries?
JA: I think the most important thing is to try because a lot of people get turned away easily. I'm not afraid of a no, and I'm not afraid to be myself. I think those are things that are super important. Every single woman I have met this year has genuinely been themselves, and that's the most important thing. I think a lot of times we see streetwear, and it happens to be a woman, there's an archetype of woman that gets heavily promoted. That woman doesn't look like everybody, but that doesn't mean you can't do it.
There are times when I go onto a set and I'm looking for the other Black women or other brown-skinned women and I'm like, ‘Oh, I'm actually the darkest person on this set.’ I have to not only set the tone for the next person but also let them know that this is not okay. There's no reason to not have more body types. There's no reason to only have light-skinned women in your photo shoots. There's no reason to not share. So I think being authentically you and sharing with your community, that's a part of it.
Sarai Garcia
xoN: What space do you hope to fill within sneaker culture and the streetwear industry through True To Us?
JA: I want to break the glass wall; I want to break down the gate. There's a lot of gatekeeping that goes around to the point where people don't even know how you can get a job in the sneaker industry without working in a sneaker store first. That's why we have True to Us Talks, where we speak to different women about their journey into streetwear and sneakers.
There are so many avenues you can take to work in these industries without wanting to design your own sneaker. There are so many different aspects of sneakers and streetwear that involve math [and science] that people don't know about, so let me talk to somebody who does that, and hopefully, that'll bring you to a place where you can either get in contact with them, try to follow a similar path, or at least get some questions answered. I'm hoping with True To Us not only are we able to share opportunities as they come, but let people know it's okay to explore new things and you don't have to start at the sneaker store.
xoN: What advice would you give to women who are looking to build and grow their own platforms?
JA: The biggest thing is just to do it; don't worry about anybody else. There have been so many times when I didn’t know if I wanted to do a podcast because ‘everybody has podcasts,’ but nobody has a podcast like me. It doesn't matter what's already out there if you're not out there.
"It doesn't matter what's already out there if you're not out there."
I am a firm believer in the power of words, some people call it delusional and some people call it being optimistic, but there's no reason why I can't get what I want. A part of getting what you want is working towards it. You're not going to get what you want if you don't put yourself forward in doing it. Even if you have to fake yourself out and say, ‘Yeah, I could do that,’ you keep saying it until it's real.
Get out of your own head. There are plenty of times when I tell myself I want to do something, and when I tell somebody, they speak fear into my plans and now I'm hesitant about doing it. But that's just the projection. Sometimes you can't tell people until it's done, and that's okay, too. But the first step is to always just do it; just try.
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Featured image courtesy of Jourdan Ash
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
Credits
Director of Content: Jasmine Grant
Campaign Manager: Chantal Gainous
Managing Editor: Sheriden Garrett
Creative Director/Executive Producer: Tracey Woods
Cover Designer: Tierra Taylor
Photographer: Ally Green
Photo Assistant: Avery Mulally
Digital Tech: Kim Tran
Video by Third and Sunset
DP & Editor: Sam Akinyele
2nd Camera: Skylar Smith
Camera Assistant: Charles Belcher
Stylist: Casey Billingsley
Hairstylist: DaVonte Blanton
Makeup Artist: Drini Marie
Production Assistants: Gade De Santana, Apu Gomes
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