They say you never forget your “first.” From a first kiss to our first pair of kicks, each moment becomes a memory that shapes us forever. For Jourdan Ash, creator of the sneaker and streetwear platform True To Us, her first subway ride after moving to Harlem from Detroit served as an official initiation into East coast sneaker culture. “I stepped on somebody's sneakers,” Jourdan recalls. An offense that, while pardonable (she was six years old after all), still held minor repercussions. “[The girl] was really upset that I stepped on her sneakers, to the point where my mom and her had words about it,” she tells xoNecole. Even in her innocence, the encounter brought Jourdan to an illuminating realization, “People really care about sneakers.”
“Growing up in New York, I realized a lot more that people will look at your shoes first before they decide to speak to you, so I had to get that together real quick,” she says. Coming of age in the mecca of streetwear culture gave Jourdan a unique perspective on the significance of sneakers and the people who wore them. One that proved why these footwear staples were more than just coverings for your feet — but a lifestyle and symbol for self-expression.
In February 2020, Jourdan was in pursuit of a potential social media job at a popular streetwear publication. For the edit test, she was tasked with creating an Instagram account from scratch. After noticing the lack of representation of Black women and men on the brand’s page, Jourdan decided to curate a mockup that was inclusive and reflective of her culture and community. “I built it in a way that I wanted to see certain things,” she says. While the position was dissolved due to COVID, Jourdan was determined to put this project to use, and thus, True To Us was born.
Sarai Garcia
True To Us is an online platform dedicated to Black and brown women to amplify their voices and presence in the sneaker industry and the streetwear culture. “The community was there immediately because there were so many women and people who just wanted to talk about sneakers and streetwear without feeling belittled,” she says. “If I didn't have that embarrassing moment when I was six, just for stepping on somebody's sneakers, who knows where I would be?”
With her unique merch and insightful podcast, True to Us Talks, Jourdan continues to use her platform to amplify the ever-growing population of women within the sneaker industry and provide her community with the tools and resources necessary to shape their path into the streetwear industry.
xoNecole: From your work with notable brands to your podcast, Dating In NYC, one of the things I love most about your work is how community-focused it is. Tell us more about the importance of community-building and how it’s played a role in growing your brand.
Jourdan Ash: Community building is important because a lot of people think they can buy their way in. When we think about gentrification, it's the same thing; you think because you can afford to be here that you are a part of the community and maybe that's not true. For me, building community has always been important from the bottom up. For example, I like to volunteer. I don't just say, ‘Hey, I'm here,’ and impose myself. I build community, I talk to people, and I come back every week to volunteer. I can't say I love something without helping it.
Sarai Garcia
So if I say I love the Bronx, why wouldn’t I volunteer in the Bronx? If I say I love streetwear and sneakers, why wouldn’t I hold space for people in it? Why wouldn’t I help other people? Why wouldn't I say other people's names?
"I can't say I love something without helping it."
In terms of authenticity, people are always going to know when you buy yourself in. People are always going to know when you’re posing or pretending, especially in New York. It's very obvious when they're not of the culture or replenishing the culture. I think a lot of people use the culture, Black and brown folks, and all these really amazing, beautiful things as a resource, and they don't replenish, and that's the issue. So that's why community building is always so important to me. Whenever I have any type of partnership, I always make sure that there's something that goes back because you have to replenish what you just took.
xoN: What have you learned the most from the women you’ve encountered within the streetwear and sneaker industries?
JA: I think the most important thing is to try because a lot of people get turned away easily. I'm not afraid of a no, and I'm not afraid to be myself. I think those are things that are super important. Every single woman I have met this year has genuinely been themselves, and that's the most important thing. I think a lot of times we see streetwear, and it happens to be a woman, there's an archetype of woman that gets heavily promoted. That woman doesn't look like everybody, but that doesn't mean you can't do it.
There are times when I go onto a set and I'm looking for the other Black women or other brown-skinned women and I'm like, ‘Oh, I'm actually the darkest person on this set.’ I have to not only set the tone for the next person but also let them know that this is not okay. There's no reason to not have more body types. There's no reason to only have light-skinned women in your photo shoots. There's no reason to not share. So I think being authentically you and sharing with your community, that's a part of it.
Sarai Garcia
xoN: What space do you hope to fill within sneaker culture and the streetwear industry through True To Us?
JA: I want to break the glass wall; I want to break down the gate. There's a lot of gatekeeping that goes around to the point where people don't even know how you can get a job in the sneaker industry without working in a sneaker store first. That's why we have True to Us Talks, where we speak to different women about their journey into streetwear and sneakers.
There are so many avenues you can take to work in these industries without wanting to design your own sneaker. There are so many different aspects of sneakers and streetwear that involve math [and science] that people don't know about, so let me talk to somebody who does that, and hopefully, that'll bring you to a place where you can either get in contact with them, try to follow a similar path, or at least get some questions answered. I'm hoping with True To Us not only are we able to share opportunities as they come, but let people know it's okay to explore new things and you don't have to start at the sneaker store.
xoN: What advice would you give to women who are looking to build and grow their own platforms?
JA: The biggest thing is just to do it; don't worry about anybody else. There have been so many times when I didn’t know if I wanted to do a podcast because ‘everybody has podcasts,’ but nobody has a podcast like me. It doesn't matter what's already out there if you're not out there.
"It doesn't matter what's already out there if you're not out there."
I am a firm believer in the power of words, some people call it delusional and some people call it being optimistic, but there's no reason why I can't get what I want. A part of getting what you want is working towards it. You're not going to get what you want if you don't put yourself forward in doing it. Even if you have to fake yourself out and say, ‘Yeah, I could do that,’ you keep saying it until it's real.
Get out of your own head. There are plenty of times when I tell myself I want to do something, and when I tell somebody, they speak fear into my plans and now I'm hesitant about doing it. But that's just the projection. Sometimes you can't tell people until it's done, and that's okay, too. But the first step is to always just do it; just try.
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Featured image courtesy of Jourdan Ash
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That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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