men·tor/ˈmenˌtôr,ˈmenˌtər/noun – an experienced and trusted adviser.
The meaningful connections created through mentoring are incomparable. There's something about having another being who is not obligated to pour into you, see something in you, and choose to invest in your future. While having an actual mentor is amazing, most of us are guilty of dreaming up a guide that helps us navigate our lives. For me, it's Elaine Welteroth. Her unapologetic yet compassionate leadership style inspires me daily.
There's no more success-gatekeeping in our community. We will lift each other up and share the wealth. That wealth is knowledge. Because knowledge is power, we gathered some successful women to share their "mentor in their heads", how they have helped them grow, and how they define success. With the gems they dropped, you may have to create an imaginary board of directors with these bosses on the roster.
Lindsey Granger
Photo Courtesy of Lindsey Granger
Lindsey Granger
Owner, LG Productions & Host, Daily Blast Live
Media/Television Industry
Denver, CO & Houston, TX
Her mentor in her head & why she chose them:
" My mentor in my head is Soledad O'Brien. I met her once before at a National Association of Black Journalists convention when I was still a student at Temple University. She is a woman of color whose existence has opened doors for me and so many other people aspiring to master media. Soledad not only has a very successful career in front of the camera from NBC to CNN to HBO, she's a rockstar that owns her very own production company called Starfish Media Group.
Soledad has made it a point, throughout her career, to cover issues that matter with complexity of thought and attention to true journalism. Her CNN series, Black in America and Latino in America broke records at the time they were released and enhanced the national conversation in a way that was fascinating to me. She's also from Long Island, New York...so we have a lot in common. I really do hope we're able to sit down and have coffee one day."
What she's learned from their triumphs:
"I've learned that it's OK to be myself - my full self. Soledad O'Brien has never shied away from asking tough questions, pushing back to fight for what's right and speaking her mind in public forums - that is something I had to learn to finally get comfortable with at age 32. I've learned that lofty goals are achievable with the proper amount of commitment to your craft and work ethic.
"Soledad is an award-winning documentarian, journalist, public speaker, author, production company owner, and philanthropist. I've learned that there is success in telling fair and accurate stories about communities of color. Soledad is largely to credit for the huge growth in African-American viewership for CNN because she made it a point to provide a space for uplifting stories about our community. I walk in her footsteps knowing the responsibility I have to handle the platform I have been given, with care."
What she's learned from their trials:
"I watched a recent interview where Soledad discussed her exit from CNN. She talked about new management coming in and how she was essentially demoted, but she was offered the opportunity to stay. She ultimately turned that down and moved forward working on her own projects. As a Black woman in media, who was working for NBC during the time of Ann Curry's exit on live television as well as Tamron Hall's disheartening exit, I understand that this industry and its treatment of women as a whole is absurd."
"I've always wanted to own my own production company - write, produce and edit my own material so no one would ever be able to tell me when my time in front of, or behind the camera was coming to an end. I made it a point to learn several aspects of the business and follow the footsteps of the women named above so that I can continue to create content that I'm passionate about, until I'm ready to be done doing so."
Advice she would give to a woman that may think of her as the mentor in their head:
"I would tell them to be fearless and bold when pursuing things they're invested in. I've learned so much over the years that I wish I would have known at a younger age. I've learned that you never get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate. I've learned that if you're uncomfortable with an interview or any task required of your job - you should be vocal and make your stance crystal-clear. The most important thing that I've learned is that authenticity will take you the farthest.
"For years, I was trying to replicate so many other broadcasters I have seen on television and I was always 'playing a role' because I wasn't being myself. The time when I was most authentically myself, let my guard down and was unafraid to speak my mind, was when my message was the most well-received. Be yourself, enjoy the ride and most importantly to all my ladies who are critical of any part of their appearance - you look great, trust me!"
A mantra that shapes her life:
"I meditate once, sometimes twice a day and at the end of each meditation, I give myself a hug and say, 'You are love, you deserve love.' I like to start the day loving myself first and setting myself up to be open to abundance - of course, I have my bad days, but I do believe that loving yourself and meditation are essential."
What she wants her mentor in her head to know about how they've shaped her journey:
"I am an extremist and genuinely study the career paths of people I admire. I would love Soledad to know that she helped a young girl from Long Island realize that anything was possible. I credit my interest in pursuing journalism to Soledad and many of the local News 12 anchors that I grew up watching. It's amazing what seeing someone who looks like you can do to help shape what goals you may develop. I now have my own production company which I started one year ago - Lindsey Granger Productions, I host a nationally syndicated television show and I am intentionally focusing on stories that matter to my community and uplift my community."
"I would say she has shaped my journey more than even I could imagine."
Carmen Jones
Photo Courtesy of Carmen Jones
Carmen Jones
Founder & CEO of The Black Girl Social Club
Atlanta, GA
Her mentor in her head & why she chose them:
"Over the years, I have really taken a liking to Issa Rae. I follow her closely. She reminds me so much of myself. What I love about her is that she refused to take 'no' for an answer. And when she did get rejected, she decided to do it herself. She is innovative, about her business, and you can tell that she wants to use her art to connect with Black millennials. I also love how she worked her butt off, did what she had to do, got her coins and her man and then disappeared. No social media antics, no drama. Just business. The blueprint!"
What she's learned from their triumphs:
"What I've learned from Issa is pretty simple: when you stay true to yourself, and don't give up, great things can happen."
What she's learned from their trials:
"I learned that the worst thing that can happen is someone tells you 'no', but in the end, it isn't really the worst thing at all."
Advice she would give to a woman that may think of her as the mentor in their head:
"To be honest, I'm not sure I'm a great advice-giver. My friends will have to follow up on this. But what I like to do with people who have come to me for mentorship is to teach them by showing them. They have to be hands-on. That's how you know when someone is serious-they've moved beyond just talking, and they're actually doing it. So any mentees I have are people who are actually doing the work. I think giving advice is a waste of time when you're talking to people who don't plan to do anything with it. So I guess if I had to give advice, it would be, start now. Be willing to learn, and do the work."
A mantra that shapes her life:
"Great things never came from comfort zones. I stand by that mantra, and it's how I live my life. One thing I know is that nothing great comes from complacency. Of course, the end goal is comfort, a nice life, a happy life, full of wonderful and healthy relationships. And I believe we can certainly have those things along the way. But there's always lessons to be learned, and work that needs to be done. I've learned so much from my 'failures' and challenges. The problem is, most people don't want to do the work, and when things get hard, they quit. When things get hard in my life, I push harder."
How she defines success:
"Success is having a goal and achieving it, not giving up. I don't allow other people to define what success looks like for me. Instagram doesn't define my success. The media doesn't. Not even the closest people in my life. I am the only person who can do that, and for me, it's simply doing what I said I would, and doing it well."
What she wants her mentor in her head to know about how they've shaped her journey:
"I just want the good sis Issa to know that her story is an inspiration to Black women who think differently and want to do things differently. What I love about Issa is that she doesn't try to be like everyone else. There's something about HER and her unique talent and thought process that lets me know she will have longevity. I'm thankful she stayed the course so she could serve as a motivator for women like me."
Patientce Foster
Courtesy of Patientce Foster
Patientce Foster
Chief Executive Officer at The Cream Agency
New York City, NY
Her mentor in her head & why she chose them:
"Opposed to popular opinion, I would have to say Kris Jenner has been a long-time mentor in my head. She may not have come face-to-face with some of the traditional obstacles and trials that a black woman would have to face. However, she did have to fight through a thick stigma that developed around her family early on. Not only was she able to do that but she was able to create an entire legacy for her family, putting everyone in positions to create wealth for themselves and their children. For that, that is why she's my mentor in my head."
What she's learned from their triumphs:
"I've learned from her triumphs that there's absolutely nothing that you cannot have and you cannot be simply because of what the world says that you are. I have learned that things take time to develop, to flourish, to grow.
"I have learned that it doesn't matter how old you are, the day you decide who you want to be for the rest of your life is completely up to you and within your control and your power. I have also learned that there is no limit, no cap to success. You don't have to go alone. You can bring whomever along with you as long as they are just as ambitious, hungry and driven as you are."
What she's learned from their trials:
"Pretty much the same thing. The world can tell you who they think you are but that's not who you have to be or who you have to remain as. You can choose whoever you want to be. There is no mistake big enough to completely stop the growth and stop your future from completely flourishing into all the things you envisioned for yourself and your life. For crying out loud, her daughter had a sex tape and they were able to pivot, adapt, and capitalize off of that one moment."
Advice she would give to a woman that may think of her as the mentor in their head:
"Number one, let my trials, tribulations, and obstacles be a reference point for inspiration but don't ever let it be your blueprint. Everyone's journey is different. How everyone gets it will not be the same. How everyone grows and succeeds will always be different because we are all different individuals and what is for us is for us. I will always say please continue to use me as a reference for what it is you want or for where it is you want to be, whether that be industry-focused, levels of success, my accomplishments but don't ever think that I am your blueprint.
"You are your blueprint. You create your blueprint. You build a plan of action that works for your life and for the people in it and your ambitions. I just want to be an inspiration. Let me be your reference for inspiration."
A mantra that shapes her life:
"'It is what it is.' It's simple and I keep it on the front of my desk. Yes, I could come up with a thousand mantras of how to succeed and how to completely change the trajectory of your life, how to wake up every day and build the life you want but no, it's very simple. It is what it is. That's my mantra because a lot of times in this lifetime, no matter what industry you choose to work in, no matter what you're going through personally or professionally, there are things that happen that are completely out of our control and 9 times out of 10 the things that are out of our control are things that drive us crazy, less focused, less motivated, less inspired, less ambitious, because we are concerned about the things we cannot control.
"I remind myself daily that some things are what they are. I can only focus on the things I can control. And the things I can control are the things that bring me happiness and maintain my level of peace. That will always be the mantra that shapes my life."
How she defines success:
"I define success by progression. I don't define my success by the level of what it looks like in a way that it shaped around material things. As long as I'm doing better than I've done and steps ahead of where I started, then I know I am succeeding. As long as I can see that there are changes that are continuously happening in my life for the better and those changes are happening as a direct result of the work that I put in, then I know I am being successful. As long as I can live off of my passion and I can feed my child off of my work and my livelihood, then I know I am succeeding. As long as I am not reverting or moving backwards, then I know I am succeeding."
What she wants her mentor in her head to know about how they've shaped her journey:
"The mentor in my head has become my mentor in real life and I am so fortunate. If I had to tell her how she's shaped my journey, I would say she has shown me that as a female, you can be assertive and direct while also being friendly and still not taking any shit and still be respected. I would tell her that where she started and where she is now has been motivation for the simple fact that there was nothing that kept her where she was. She was able to pivot even when she and her family were defamed and she was able to grow something so massive and phenomenal that they will be remembered for lifetimes after they are gone. She's shaped my journey simply because her mindset and ambition are unmatched. She is not to be outdone or outworked and that attitude has helped to shape a legacy."
Renae Bluitt
Photo Courtesy of Renae Bluitt
Renae Bluitt
Filmmaker, Storyteller & PR Consultant
New York City, NY
Her mentor in her head & why she chose them:
"My mentor in my head is none other than the brilliant and beautiful Oprah Winfrey. It's the tenacity and stick-to-it-iveness for me! She started from very humble beginnings, picked herself up from the bottom, and ran a successful talk show, all while just being herself (unapologetically), for almost three whole decades. She's built a media empire, including her own television network, where she uses her platform to enlighten and empower people globally, all while lifting as she climbs. What's not to love about this woman?"
What she's learned from their triumphs:
"'The surest way to bring goodness to yourself is to make it your intention to do good for somebody else.' - Oprah Winfrey
"So many people launch businesses and are only in it for themselves. We have to think about how our work will fill voids that exist and how we will help others. Oprah was committed to being of service to the world while building a profitable/sustainable business for herself. She set out to help others and reaped countless rewards and blessings in return."
What she's learned from their trials:
"'Turn your wounds into wisdom.' - Oprah Winfrey
"There's truly no escaping life's challenges. To appreciate the light, we must experience the dark. We can bask in the sunshine because we've endured the rain. Building a business can be the most gratifying, yet most challenging thing some of us will ever experience in life. When we're faced with negative circumstances, we have to be able to turn them into positives. There are so many beautiful lessons to learn from our mistakes."
Advice she would give to a woman that may think of her as the mentor in their head:
"I would tell her to trust the process and enjoy the journey. I spent so much time eagerly looking towards the next milestone in my life and career when I was younger.
"As I mature, I'm realizing how important it is to be present and enjoy this current chapter of life instead of rushing to get to the next. Our time here is so fleeting, we have to embrace where we are on our journeys to fully appreciate what's ahead."
A mantra that shapes her life:
"My first and only tattoo says 'do what you love' and I take this very seriously. When presented with an opportunity or experience, I stop and think about the feeling it evokes. If it's not a 'hell yes' moment for me, it's more than likely a 'no'. I'm not here for lukewarm experiences."
How she defines success:
"My definition of success has changed quite a bit over the years as I've evolved personally. Right now, success is a few things for me: Doing what I love while being of service to my community; the financial freedom to say 'no, thank you' to opportunities I'm not interested in exploring; the ability to make work optional. I look forward to taking time away from work as I see fit without feeling like I'm missing something.
"What's for me is for me, and no one else can claim a blessing that has my name on it."
What she wants her mentor in her head to know about how they've shaped her journey:
"I'd like Oprah to know that she gives this little brown girl from Indiana permission to think big. She's shown me that I can be multi-passionate and focused at the same time. Oprah shares her many gifts with the world while staying true to who she is at her core. I strive to be that comfortable in my own skin someday."
Featured image courtesy of the interviewees
RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
Riska/Getty Images
1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
Riska/Getty Images
19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Either way, we’re breaking down how to harness the alluring black cat energy to attract and cultivate your purrrfect match, or how to deepen your current relationship.
What is Black Cat Energy?
Black cat energy has made a splash all over TikTok since 2021 where users have popularized “the black cat/golden retriever” theory based on the notorious attributes of felines and pups.
Pet owners and those who have had the pleasure of engaging with furry friends know that cats tend to have personality traits of being more independent, cautious, and unbothered until they develop a relationship with you – then you’ll be graced with their loveable side – whereas dogs, much like golden retrievers, are often overly excited to see you, bursting with happy energy, and seeking your affection, even if they just met you.
Black cats especially possess an elusive, regal, and pompous vibe that makes them irresistible. You can’t simply win these mysterious creatures over with your mere presence. You’ll have to earn their affection.
And if by a stroke of luck, they open up to you, they’ll always keep you wanting more of them. That same je ne sais quoi is what TikTokers are raving about, claiming that if you channel black cat energy into your love life, you’ll summon the person of your dreams and make them fall in love with every part of you.
What’s more, according to The Spruce Pets, single women in Japan who own black cats are believed to attract more suitors. In parts of Great Britain, a black cat is the quintessential wedding gift because they’re believed to bring good luck and happiness to the bride.
Why the Black Cat/Golden Retriever Dynamic Works
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Anyone can be the black cat or the golden retriever in the relationship, but TikTokers and some relationship experts say the best way to ensure long-lasting compatibility is for the woman to be the black cat, while the man exudes golden retriever tendencies.
Dating coach Anwar White solidifies finding the yin to your yang, instructing women to find their complement. “Most people look to date their clone and you’re going to need to date looking for your compliment – that is what is going to bring you the most success.”
In the 14 years he’s been a dating coach, he shared the best complementary personalities that make for a good match. “If you’re a type A, boss babe, you’re going to be looking for the optimistic golden retriever guy. This is the guy that wants to get done whatever you want to get done. This is the engineer, the federal employee, or an architect. It’s very much black cat/golden retriever vibes.”
No matter what stage you’re at in your love life, it’s never too late to transition from subservient golden retriever to omnipotent black cat.
TikToker @jaclyn.dasilva explains that she used to be in her golden retriever energy in her marriage – catering to her husband, and what he needed and liked until she learned how to epitomize the black cat energy.
“We have this beautiful energy as women. When we learn to put all that beautiful, nurturing energy into ourselves that is when they want us. That is when they chase us. Now I think about what I want to eat. What do I want to drink? What book do I want to read? And I put my energy into myself.”
She continues, “And now he’s the one chasing me. He’s the one who can’t get enough of me. When we see ourselves as the prize, that is when he sees us as the prize. Stop chasing him. Let him chase you. Be about you, he’ll be about you.”
How To Embody The Black Cat Principles In Your Dating Life
Dating and maintaining a flourishing relationship in today’s technology-driven world is no easy feat. We have abundantly more access to swipe right or left on apps, or serendipitously meet a great catch in person than our parents and grandparent’s generations.
And yet, with all the potential options, somehow it seems more difficult to stumble across Mr. or Mrs. Right or to maintain a long-term symbiotic relationship. Fortunately navigating dating and relationships becomes easier when you know exactly who you are–your different quirks, flaws, and assets–and when you keenly understand the little things that titillate your world and accept the nuances and icks of a person that you know are not aligned with you.
A woman relishing in her black cat energy and femininity knows exactly what she wants and needs and doesn’t detour from who she is for anyone. These are the qualities of black cat women:
High Standards
Nothing says you’re the main character or HBIC like flaunting high standards and sticking to them.
TikToker Anna Kristina, the self-proclaimed creator of the "black cat theory" shared how to become the ultimate black cat and have men eating from the palm of your hand. “You have to be inconvenient. You have to be bitchy. You have to have standards and certain expectations. The higher the expectations, and the more unrealistic, the better.”
Elusiveness
Relationship TikToker Tomisin Atobatele offers women insights into the essence of being elusive. "I want you to stop being eager to tell men everything you’re thinking and feeling, and especially tell men exactly what you desire. If a guy asks you what you want out of a guy, or what you’re looking for, I want you to be vague…When you’re vague, and someone’s interested in you, it forces them to do work in order to get those answers.”
"And just that fast, you’ve created a scenario where he’s thinking about you," he added. "He’s thinking about your needs. He’s thinking about your wants and desires. And in the process of him thinking about your wants and desires, his focus is on you.”
Firm Boundary Setter
Self-preservation, respect, and overall happiness stem from healthy boundaries. A woman basking in black cat energy knows exactly when and how to implement boundaries. Black cats have boundaries. They will let you know when they are done getting petted," said TikToker Marian Bacol.
“They will let you know when they want to give you attention. They will stare you down if they are done with you. They are clear on their boundaries and they’re not afraid to enforce it. They don’t give love and affection to anyone and everyone the way that dogs do. Cats are more selective and that’s how you have to be with your energy.”
Unapologetically Authentic
A sure way to have a man perpetually falling for you is to be authentically you without changing who you are, solely for him.
“If you want him to chase you as opposed to you chasing him, you need to remember this one thing…whatever attributes you have: your style, your hair color, your whatever you’ve got going on – you don’t change for him," said life coach Margarita Nazarenko. "The black cat would never change for a man and that’s what’s going to make him chase you.”
She cements the rule with an analogy: “The rule is: if you make the best chocolate cake and he likes apple pie, make him the best chocolate cake, not a sub apple pie.”
Famous Couples That Successfully Personify Black Cat/Golden Retriever Energy
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These power couples prove why women who helm their black cat energy make their men swoon:
Rihanna & ASAP Rocky
"[The relationship] is going great. I don’t think there’s a more perfect person because when the schedules are hectic, she’s very understanding of that," A$AP Rocky told Billboard about his relationship with Rihanna. "And when the schedule’s freed up, that’s when you get to spend [the] most time together. It’s all understanding and compatibility.
Ashanti & Nelly
Lauren Speed Hamilton & Cameron Hamilton
Lauren Speed Hamilton and Cameron Hamilton are proof positive of the Love Is Blind concept. More recently, the married couple got real on their podcast about the struggles of expanding their family through fertility treatments. "When I saw what you were going through, terms of taking the medications, doing the daily shots, knowing that IVF and all this stuff wasn't really something that you naturally wanted to do but you did it for me," Cameron shared in episode 2 of The Love Seat podcast with Lauren, his voice beginning to crack.
"You showed me a new level of love that I'd never seen before."
Kristy Scott & Desmond Scott
Zendaya & Tom Holland
"You can’t really find anything against Zendaya, she’s kind of like the perfect person," Tom Holland shared about girlfriend Zendaya in a 2021 interview with Backstage. "It was so wonderful to have someone like her in my corner, to help me grow through that process … Having her as a friend has been so valuable to the success and happiness of my career and life."
Gabrielle Union & Dwyane Wade
Ciara & Russell Wilson
"For me, I knew that God had brought me in her life to bless her and for her to bless me," Russell Wilson told Access Hollywood about wife Ciara.
Serena Williams & Alexis Ohanian
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