I've been friends with my best friend since the second grade. It's a friendship that now feels like family, and I'm forever grateful we connected in the library that day. Unfortunately, all my friendships haven't lasted for over twenty years. Many of the people I was friends with five years ago are no longer part of life—people I thought would always be there.
At first, losing people made me feel a bit ungrounded. I spent most of my time with these friends; shared so many of my secrets. I spent a lot of time ruminating over what I could have done differently to salvage the relationships. But after years of reflection, I realized the only thing that could have saved the relationship was for me to stay the same. Those relationships ended because I changed. I wasn't the same person I used to be and it caused a lot of friction in my relationships.
As we age, many of us lose friends because we evolve—our needs and priorities are different. Sometimes our friendships can withstand the strain of growing into different versions of ourselves, but most times, they won't. And, that's okay.
Finding people that will walk with you through life is rare. So, if you've found yourself navigating a few friendship breakups or experiencing unsteadying moments in your friendships lately, try to keep the following in mind:
1.All friendships won't last forever.
Friendship breakups are difficult because it's hard to imagine yourself parting ways with a friend the same way you see yourself splitting up with a romantic partner—you may not even think it would hurt just as much or even more. People grow apart. People will come into our lives for a season and leave once our time together ends. Some of these endings will feel natural and some may be a bit more traumatic. The ending of a friendship doesn't mean either of you were "bad" people. Nor does it mean you all were never "real" friends to begin with (endings have a way of clouding judgment). The truth is, even good friendships have expiration dates, and that's okay.
2.Your needs in friendship change as you get to know yourself better.
The things you needed from your friends when you were a teenager or in your early 20s are different than what you need as you get closer to 30. When you're younger, you're likely still figuring things out and deciding how you want to show up in the world. As you become more grounded in who you are, liking someone is no longer a good enough reason to continue being friends, especially when your values and beliefs about friendships begin to clash. It can be hard to admit, but sometimes your friends evolve into people you don't like. Being dishonest about how you feel and forcing yourself to be around someone can create resentment in the friendship.
3.Emotional safety matters.
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Feeling emotionally safe with my friends is important to me. Do they respect boundaries? Do we assume the other is operating with good intent? Are they kind to me in public and private? Do they talk about me behind my back? Some of us are accustomed to drama being at the center of our friendships because we used to be ineffective communicators, or we witnessed adults have drama-filled relationships as a child. If we're going to have healthy friendships, we must unlearn unhealthy relationship patterns. We also have to be responsible for the harmful things we've done in the past and commit to doing things differently in the future to establish safety. We may also need to raise our friendship standards.
4.Life is too short for one-sided friendships.
Sometimes we hurt our own feelings by holding on to things that are no longer holding on to us. In a one-sided friendship, the other person has stopped participating, but we keep fighting to maintain our position in their lives. For whatever reason, this person has decided they no longer want to keep investing in a friendship with us, and we have to accept that boundary and move on. Easier said than done, especially if they haven't directly stated they want out. They may stop returning your calls and start canceling plans at the last minute. Magically they're always busy. Sometimes it isn't personal. Your friend may be going through a challenging time and doesn't have the energy to be around people. They may also be finding it hard to communicate what's going on. Either way, you have to decide how you want to be treated and what you're willing to tolerate in the name of friendship.
5.Different stages of your life require different levels of understanding.
As we age, we may get partnered, get married, or become a parent. These new relationships require a substantial amount of time—especially in the beginning. Some of us may have chosen careers that require us to work outside of the standard 9 to 5. At some points, you'll have fewer things binding you together than you do pulling you apart, and sometimes life ushers in a 'quiet season' in your friendship. If you've been missing your friends, tell them you'd like to see them. Sometimes people need a gentle nudge.
6.As you age, quality becomes more important than quantity.
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It's easier to make friends and maintain friendships when you're younger because most of the people you connect to are in your hometown or go to school with you. As you get older, you prioritize certain friendships over others. Studies show that on average, most adult Americans have four close friends. Sometimes you gradually realize that you're spending a lot of time trying to maintain superficial relationships and decide to spend the little time you have pouring into friendships that have the chance to stand the test of time.
7.Every relationship isn't a friendship.
We're taught to make friends as kids in ways that don't benefit us as adults. Being friendly and being friends is not the same thing. You just met someone, and now they're your friend. You just ended a relationship with someone, and now you're friends. Your dating situation didn't work, and now you're friends. Friendship is built. Sometimes we rush into friendships with people to maintain connections, but it isn't always the healthiest decision. Nor is it the most genuine response. A friendship is a mutual agreement and investment from both people. It's important to vet people for friendship, just as you would vet someone for romance. You may know many people, but you don't have many friends.
8.A friend doesn't have to tell you everything to be your friend.
"There's a difference between being in someone's business and being in someone's corner." I don't know who said that quote, but it's one of my favs. Some people associate friendship with how much they know about someone. But, knowing everything about someone doesn't make you all friends. I've seen people get mad at a friend for being what they deemed "secretive." Try not to take someone's non-disclosure personally. A friend may feel stressed out, overwhelmed, or ashamed and not rush to tell you because they're still processing their situation. People are allowed to tell you things when they're ready. They also don't have to share at all.
9.Communication is key.
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It can be easy to think people should just understand and get you, especially if you all have known each other for a long time. But just like a romantic relationship, friendships benefit from communication too. Continue getting to know your friends and be open to seeing their different sides as they evolve. One of the best books I've read on friendship is Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson. This book helped me make sense of my experiences when I started losing friends. I could go back to all my friendships that ended and point out exactly where things went wrong. According to Shasta, "frientimacy" is intimacy experienced in friendships based on positivity, consistency, and vulnerability.
All healthy friendships require a strong foundation built on positive experiences. Consistency is vital because even if we like someone, we will begin to question where we stand with them if they can't make time for us, ultimately making us feel unsafe in the relationship. Without vulnerability, the relationship doesn't have the chance to deepen, which means there will always be a feeling of distance between the two of you. All three things need to work together to make a friendship last. If one of these things becomes unbalanced, the friendship can still last if you all can communicate effectively to get the relationship back on track.
As we get older, our friendships evolve. And while it can be scary to part ways with people, it allows us to connect with people who fit with who we are and who we're becoming. And for that, we can be both excited and grateful.
Remember, friends, are the family you choose, so choose wisely.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
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As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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