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Make Your Friendships (Even) Stronger By Doing These 6 Things
It is actually the late and great Muhammad Ali who once said something that is super valid about friendship: “Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.”
Yeah, if you truly value what it means to have even just one true friend, you know that a big part of life consists of doing what you can to nurture and maintain that friendship — and honestly, that is a “class” that you will probably be in for the rest of your life because learning how to love well is something that you never fully “graduate” from.
My tribe? It took a lot of life lessons for me to get to the point and place where I know what they need from me, and I make sure that I don’t become — let’s go with the word “lethargic” when it comes to how I treat and honor them. Because my friends are spiritual, solid, and reliable, I make a consistent effort to do what I can to strengthen the bond. And, over the past few years, that has consisted of the following six things.
1. Plan Friend Dates
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Again, although it took me a while to figure out what a good friend looks and lives like, I am so happy to say that my circle is tight, and my understanding is now crystal clear. I think what finally shed the brightest light on it all was when my house basically blew up three days before Christmas. Nothing reveals who has you more than when you have basically nothing, and it’s inconvenient for others to take care of you in the midst of their own ish (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). And now that I’m pretty “locked in for the long haul” with the peeps who I have in my world at this point and place in my life, I have learned that it’s important to “date” them.
I don’t mean random link-ups when both of us are bored; I mean that my friends and I have made the time to figure out what each of us enjoys, and then we will treat one another on a fairly consistent basis based on whatever those things happen to be. After all, isn’t a date about spending intentional quality time with another person in order to 1) learn more about them and 2) show them how much they mean to you? Why should a friendship be exempt from that type of experience?
For instance, although I’m not the biggest traveler, many of my friends are. What I am, though, is a "words of affirmation" person (check out “This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships”). That said, a few months ago, one of my closest friends asked me to go on a road trip with her. The trip itself was kind of for her; however, at the event that we attended, she shouted me out for something that I had helped her to accomplish — and that was for me.
I know that girl loves me; she has proved it a billion times over at this point. Yet that “friend date” did bring us closer to each other in some ways because I made the sacrifice to go, and she was intentional about speaking my love language to me while I was there.
So yes, beyond just randomly getting together for drinks and/or dinner, actually get creative and thoughtful when planning an official friend date. It’s a meaningful way to let your friends know just how much you mean to them.
2. Express Gratitude Regularly
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A visual artist by the name of Alfred Painter once said, “Saying ‘thank you’ is more than good manners. It is good spirituality." Another wise person once said, “Gratitude turns what we have into enough.” An author by the name of G.B. Stern once said, “Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.” With all of these quotes in mind, be honest — when’s the last time that you expressed real gratitude to your friends?
When did you tell one of them “thank you” for being readily available when you needed some quick advice and you knew they were busy? When have you mailed a Hallmark card that includes a couple of paragraphs about what another friend means to you? When have you made the time to tell someone else that you know you have taken them for granted lately, and you just want to take a moment to acknowledge how much you treasure them?
One of my friends is good at sending cards and/or flowers out of the blue. I adore that about her because it definitely makes me feel…hell, seen. On the flip, she’s a shoe person — BIG TIME. A place that is almost like crack for me is Etsy, and a couple of months ago, a pair of shoes kept on popping up in my feed. They weren’t my style or the cheapest, yet I knew she’d adore them, and so, instead of getting something that I wanted at the time, I copped her the heels instead. She was thrilled and hella grateful — and that confirmed even more that it was the right move to make.
Another friend of mine? I don’t know if anyone is more “quality time driven” than she is. One day, out of the blue, I asked what she was doing; she said nothing, and so we met up for brunch. Chile, I ended up not leaving her side of town until almost 8 p.m. I knew that was a possibility when I made the date, though. That was months ago, and she still talks about how much that meant to her. Making the time was worth it because it was important to her to have/get it.
I’m telling you, live on this planet long enough and you’ll realize that if you have even a couple of solid friends, you are beyond blessed. Also, if you live long enough, as Chris Rock’s character said in the movieI Think I Love My Wife, life isn’t really all that short; it’s actually kinda long (if you’re lucky). And so, just like a car needs fuel for a long journey, the friends who you want to keep long-term, they need your expression of gratitude. It’s how they feel recognized, appreciated, and truly loved by you.
3. Take Friendship Inventory (on Yourself)
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Any time the topic of relationships comes up and someone asks for some solid reading material, I’m almost always going to mention the bookSafe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't (Cloud/Townsend). One of my favorite things about it is, that not only is it a quick read that helps you to understand who is safe in your life, but it also turns around and holds you accountable by helping you to understand if you, also, are a safe person to be around — because really, how can you be a good friend if you’re not a safe one?
To be safe is to be dependable. To be safe is to be trustworthy. To be safe means that being involved with you comes with very little risk of hurt or harm. To be safe means that you cherish others, you want to protect what you and others share within your friendships, and you will do whatever is necessary to keep them out of harm’s way (as far as you are concerned).
Y’all, please don’t get me started on how there is a huge difference between loving someone and them being a safe space for you. Growing up, I was surrounded by a lot of unsafe people, and honestly, in some ways, that caused me to be unsafe in some ways as well. These days, my friends are like, “You’re almost too damn safe” (LOL) because I’m very cautious in how I move and even disclosing who I am friends with. I have learned the hard way that who I consider to be my people, they need to feel sheltered, safeguarded, and secure in our relationship. Yours should, too.
So yes, if you want to be a better friend to your friends, at least a couple of times a year, ponder what it means to be a friend, ask your friends if you are providing them with what they need from you and, more than anything, ask your own self if you are being what it literally means to be “safe” in their lives. Friendships are too important to just assume that you are being what someone needs; taking inventory reminds you to ask.
4. Set and/or Reevaluate Boundaries. Twice a Year.
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When it comes to boundaries in relationships, Brené Brown once said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” Adding to that, one of my favorite quotes on boundaries is, “If someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, it’s just more evidence that the boundary is needed.” Listen, at the end of the day, all boundaries are, are limits, and I don’t care how close you are to someone (even if you’re married to them or they are your children), you need to be prepared to state boundaries and respect boundaries.
Case in point. I’m not sure if it’s because I grew up in an entertainment industry home, I got my start as an entertainment journalist, I live in Music City, or all of the above, yet even though I was intentional about turning down certain opportunities to become “famous,” a good portion of my world has those types of people in it. Shoot, just due to their scheduling alone, we have to realign boundaries from time to time.
For instance, one of my closest friends on the planet, his schedule is so insane that, although we used to talk, hell, even more than once a day, in this season, we have to schedule a lunch hangout once or twice a month and maybe a text or two within the week. The boundary is I need to respect his mental and emotional bandwidth because there is so much that is currently on his plate. I need to remember that even though I have access to him in ways that many others do not, I don’t need to take advantage of that in any way. Make sense?
It's so sad and yet oh so true that a lot of friendships go through more bumps in the road than they should, and it’s all because 1) boundaries aren’t set; 2) boundaries aren’t clearly articulated, or 3) boundaries have changed and somebody has a problem with it.
Listen, it will save you a lot of unnecessary drama and completely avoidable stress if you learn to fully accept that love — all forms of love — comes with boundaries, and when you love someone, you’ve got to express love, in part, by respecting and honoring what their boundaries may be (as they do the same thing for you).
5. Forgive. Repent. Rinse and Repeat.
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Honestly, in my opinion, one of the most delusional, arrogant things that you can do is not forgive a person. From a biblical standpoint, forgiving someone puts you in the position to be forgiven by God (Matthew 6:14-15).From a health standpoint, forgiveness reduces stress and anxiety, improves the state of your mental health, boosts your immunity, gives you a stronger sense of self, and helps keep your heart strong.
From a relationship standpoint, it makes you a lot easier to get along with. Why? Because — at the end of the day, forgiving someone means that you are willing to pardon another person for their offenses because you are humble and self-aware enough to know that someday (probably sooner than you think) you’re going to need someone to forgive you. Yeah, only people who are egomaniacs believe that they won’t ever need forgiveness, and so they should withhold it from other people.
So, why do folks struggle with the concept of forgiving so much? I believe that it’s simply because of how poorly forgiveness has been taught. Releasing the pain, bitterness, and/or walls that have developed as the result of what someone has done to you doesn’t mean that you don’t provide consequences for the behavior (especially if the individuals are cyclic in their actions, show no remorse and/or prove to be toxic). However, if someone is truly your friend, you shouldn’t be hesitant, let alone afraid, to forgive them, because, at the end of the day, their track record with you has proven that whatever hurt or disappointment they caused you, it came from being human not from being malicious.
There have been some things that I have forgiven (which includes not bringing it up over and over again) and some things that I have been forgiven of — and yes, it has made my friendships stronger. Because when someone values what you bring into their life enough to pardon something that you did, how can that not make the connection between the two of you closer? You wanna strengthen your friendships? Definitely learn how to forgive…better.
6. Be Flexible
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I’m pretty sure that, at this point, we’re all super familiar with the saying, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” And while there is a good amount of truth to that, I’ve watched enough relationships — good ones — go down in flames, and it really had nothing to do with the season being up. It was because one or both individuals weren’t very flexible with one another.
Example: say that you have a friend who you used to talk to all of the time. I mean, it could be noon or midnight; you both were on the phone for hours at a time. Then she gets into a serious relationship and you don’t chat it up as much as you used to. Then she gets engaged, and it’s even less. Flexibility processes all of this as, “My friend has other priorities now, which means that we need to find a new normal.” (And if your friend values you, they will do just that.) Inflexibility says, “I guess we’re not meant to be close friends anymore.” See the difference?
It really is beyond unrealistic to think that you can be friends with someone and that things are never going to change. The reality is, so long as both of you are growing and evolving, you’re going to have to get used to the needs within the relationship by doing the same. Flexible people adjust and keep their friendships as a direct result; inflexible folks tend to go from person to person with no real lasting friendships intact.
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A wise person once said, "True friends are great riches." When you get a moment, think about what your friends mean to you and what you can do to help strengthen your bond with them. Because if there is one investment that is always going to be worth your while, it’s pouring into your peeps — your true and always real friendships.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
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When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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