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My House Burned Up. Three Days Before Christmas. What It Taught Me.
Some things, you will always remember, just like it was yesterday. So is the case for me when it comes to early Wednesday afternoon, December 22, 2021. I got up, got dressed, and went to my eyebrow waxing appointment. Then I followed that up by picking up some expensive ass bras. Then I went to get some lamb chops that I planned on searing on my stove when I got home. As Ice Cube once said, “It was a good day.” Only, as I was a literal mile out from my house, I received a text from one of my landlords that simply said, “There’s been a fire in your unit call me back as soon as you can.”
I wish I could tell you that I went into immediate panic mode. I mean, that’s what most people would do, right? Nope. Instead, I called, asked him what was going on and he replied by asking me where I was. Then he said to be careful because “a few firetrucks were on my street.” Chile, when I turned onto my road, there were a whopping eight of them, neighbors were all over the place and several firemen were standing on the roof of my townhouse and literally cutting into it. It was an amazing sight to see.
And still, from me, emotionally, nothing.
Shellie R. Warren
“I just want to know what caused it,” is what I said to my landlord and the firemen who were asking me questions; some that I remember and some that I don’t. All of them replied with some variation of waiting for the fire marshal to make the call. What I knew is I didn’t have breakfast that morning and I didn’t iron either, so…what was up? As I walked around the back of my home and I saw the men pointing up at my HVAC unit, I wasn’t shocked in the least. Even my other landlord — who to this day, hasn’t said, “I’m sorry this happened to you” and actually chuckled a laugh of whiteness when he went through the property that night and, when I said it wasn’t funny and I could’ve died, he responded with, “Yeah…well” — stated that the unit was “as old as I was” (units are supposed to be replaced every 10-15 years by the way and they hadn’t even changed my air filters in over a year).
Yeah, I’ll let y’all read between the lines on my thoughts about that. Right now, I’ll just say, “He’s an idiot for coming at me like he did." Whiteness usually doesn’t think stuff like this through, though.
And that night, in the dark, as I saw that about 90 percent of what I own, in every single category of my life, was gone from the fire and/or water and/or the foam of the fire extinguishers and/or the hatchet jobs that they did to get into my place — still, emotionally, from me, nothing. Well, I take that back, peace. The “peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:6-7) that the Bible speaks of that I wasn’t sure I’ve ever fully had before. Oh, but chile, I get what it is now. And yes, it has become a part of me.
And so now, as I’m not even a month out from that life-changing experience, I wanted to share some of the immediate takeaways that I got from it. Mostly because, if you live life for a little while, you realize that sometimes, you aren’t being “punished,” it isn’t “karma” and you aren’t a bad person (nor is God not looking out for you; Psalm 121:4). Sometimes, life is just life and it’s when it decides to show all the way out, you get to see who you really and truly are — or have become.
As far as who I now am, here are my six takeaways.
1.Be Careful What You Ask For…
Between my townhouse and the place that I lived before that, I had been in that neighborhood for close to 12 years. The location was relatively quiet (aside from my annoying as literal hell neighbor), you just couldn’t beat it. Only, for most of 2021, I had been mentioning to my tribe (more on them in a bit) that I was “lightly” looking for a place to live. I wasn’t being too aggressive with it because real estate in Nashville has become MIND-FREAKING-BLOWING. Still, I kind of felt ready for a change if the opportunity presented itself.
Not only that but there was someone in my world who wouldn’t know how to respect a boundary if the boundary beat the life out of them. I wanted the “exhale” of them no longer knowing where I lived after they so rudely and presumptuously popped up at my house one day and then tried to demand how I act in the place where I pay rent. Also, a man from my past, who casually mentions from time to time that he drives past my place…yeah, it’s time for him to not know how to “find” me either.
Welp. We see that those two issues are no longer issues, don’t we (LOL)? For me, it’s a reminder to be very careful and intentional about what you put into the universe. Sometimes, we’re so busy saying words that we don’t respect the power that’s behind them. So yeah, whether I realize it or not, things lined up with what I actually “requested.” Clearly, life took me literally. And handled it. Thoroughly so. Next point.
2.God Always Warns Us. Beforehand.
I am a firm believer that when we’re in tune spiritually and when we choose to pay attention to signs and flags, very rarely, if ever, are we fully blindsided. At the beginning of 2021, one of my closest friends died and God had been giving me a heads up that their health wasn’t in the best condition for two years prior to that. My friend received a diagnosis three weeks before they left this earth. Still, I had been forewarned. My house? Yeah, that’s a trip. After letting my rental insurance lapse (don’t EVER do that), I got a nudge in my spirit to re-up last spring and I said, “Eh, I’ll get around to it.” Chile. CHILE. Not only that but for the past month or so, the lead quote for this article? It kept circling around me. I mean, literally everywhere, I would see messages about how attachment is unhealthy — that, as a wise person once said, “If it comes, let it. If it leaves, let it.”
Without realizing it, I was emotionally detaching from my things in preparation for having to do so in the physical realm.
And so, while I can’t tell you that I thought that my place would go up in flames, what I do know is my mind, body, and spirit had received some indications that I needed to make preparations for something and that if I “married myself” to outcomes, it could prove to be close to devastating for me. Again, God loves us enough to prepare us. We have to meditate, pray and get quiet and still enough to hear him, though. He tends to not be as loud and forceful as humans tend to be.
Next point.
3.Self-Care Saved My Life
Throughout 2020 and 2021, something that I’ve been focused on is self-care and, then adding tax. And so literally, as I’ve been processing December 22, something that I’ve been sharing with folks is that literally and with no exaggeration, SELF-CARE SAVED MY LIFE. I know this because, as the fire marshal said, had I been asleep (I dig naps, so that is a huge possibility) or had I been in the shower (folks like to be clean, right?), “things probably wouldn’t have gone very well for you.” That’s because the fire actually started inside of the walls and then spread outwards. And my kitchen? The pic that you see up top is that. Forget about it. Probably only in my living room, would I have been spared to the point of being relatively unscathed because I would’ve been able to run out of the front door.
And so, in hearing those words from him and after looking around for about 20 minutes, I then looked at my phone, noticed the time, remembered that I had a pedicure appointment, and announced that was where I was going. My landlord said, “She’s in shock” and I said, “No, I like my feet to be done and my place is going to be burned down when I get back, so I’m going to take care of my feet.” While riding to the salon, I kept trying to “take my own temperature,” just to make sure that I really was good. I was. I called some of the closest people to me and honestly, they were all in more shock than I was. Anyway, as I sat in my chair and put my feet in the warm water while breaking what happened to my nail tech, I was like, “Self-care really did save my life.”
To this day, I think that is what has had me “shook” most of all. That, and the fact that self-care, is another way that I was getting myself prepared for what happened that day. Yep, without my even knowing it.
4.Tough Times Reveal Who Your Tribe TRULY Is
Let me tell you how “You’ve got to be kidding me” my landlords are. About a week later, one of them texted me to tell me that he and his wife had been praying for me and wanted to give me something. Guess what it was, chile. My security deposit (which they owed; it’s the law) and five $20 bills to — and I literally quote — “to help get me on my feet.” What the hell is $100 gonna do but basically replace the lamb chops that I lost because they didn’t have a home because I didn’t either? Whew, whiteness. Even one of my white friends was like, “That damn near sounds racist. Look at how little they thought of you.” Listen. SMDH.
My tribe, though? MY TRIBE? You never know, really and truly who your people are until you go through something of this magnitude. One friend immediately put me into a hotel for a few days. Two others replaced the laptop that I lost (I lost several) because they both knew that was how I made a living. Of the two, one got me the one that I had just bought for my birthday that I adore (and am typing on now); the other copped me one that was double its price. Some showed up with gift cards. Others had cash in hand. Cash Apps were coming from numerous directions. Calls were around the clock. Not one person in my intimate world said that I couldn’t indefinitely stay with them (and that they would fly me to them if need be).
And when I found a place, thanks to Craigslist, remarkably in five days (that site has ALWAYS been “the truth” for me when it comes to finding places to live), and I was scraping up first and last month’s rent (which was a minor miracle), another paid what I was lacking and said, “Forget about it, Shellie. It’s an honor.” And don’t get me on the friend who sent me a nice sum, told me to get some clothes and then shared how “insulted” (jokingly so) they were that I didn’t want any of theirs (because again, when I tell you that a sistah lost everything? EVERYTHING). Even a woman who I barely know gave me $500 because, as I was sharing the situation in her presence, she said she was “moved by my grace” in it all. Talk about cream rising to the top.
Then there were those who kind of Kanye — or Elmo — shrugged the situation. One person said, “I will call you right back” and that was two weeks ago. Another actually asked me for some money when — HELLO — I lost everything. Some others were being so selfish about petty stuff that I knew it was time to shift them into another space. And all of this let me know where to put these folks in my life, in this season of my life, as well (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have ‘Levels’ To Them”). Honestly, I’m grateful for that too because, most of us know what Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
As I say often (especially these days), there is a lot of space between “friend” and “enemy.” When folks reveal who they are and “friend” isn’t it, that doesn’t mean that they have to become your nemesis. It means that you learn what they should be privileged to and…what they shouldn’t. I know who my hold-me-downs are. I also know who are just “extras” in my life movie. I’m OK with both…being both. This moment in time has revealed that as well.
5.Wax On. Wax Off.
I used to own a hoodie that said, “wax on, wax off” on it. I gave it to a houseless person who was really cold one day. What I like about that part of the movie The Karate Kid is that when Mr. Miyagi was trying to teach Daniel things like how to wash a car and paint a fence, he was really preparing him for battle. Life does the same thing for us in many ways and you know what? When one of my friends said to me on the phone, “Shellie, you still sound like…Shellie. If you didn’t say that your house burned down, I would never know it,” when a client said, “Wait. You don’t have a place to live right now and you’re still doing sessions with people?!”, and my godchildren’s mother (one of the absolute closest people to me) emailed me on New Year’s Eve and said, “You, my friend, are the epitome of grace under fire. I marvel at how you are moving in this season” — I knew that some situations and disappointments that had happened earlier in the year had been my own “wax on, wax off” moments; ones that got me ready for December 22 and the week that followed (including some service staff stealing what little I had left from my first hotel room…chile. CHILE). Throughout all of this, not one tear. Not one sleepless night. Not one fit. My soul is well.
Not that crying, tossing, and turning or losing it for five minutes would’ve been “wrong.” Of course not. It’s just…not in me. And there is a part of me that is so grateful for that because when you lose at the magnitude that I have just lost and I couldn’t “rock my peace” if I tried — it feels like graduating at life on a whole ‘nother level. Wax on. Wax off.
Final point.
6.Stay in the Moment. Rinse and Repeat.
Another verse in Scripture that has proven itself to be very true — “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34 — NKJV) Christ is documented as speaking these words once upon a time. Peep how it’s not a suggestion or recommendation; it is a command. A command not to worry about what isn’t right before you, because today? Today your plate is already full. And that is my final takeaway from my lil’ test from December 22.
Each day since December 22, there have been a billion things to figure out but you know what? I’ve been intentional about putting no more than five things on my to-do list (as it relates to the fire) and that’s it. I’ll deal with more tomorrow. This resolve has kept me calm. This resolve has helped me spend the resources I have wisely. This resolve has kept me centered enough to still do my job(s). This resolve helped me to get my place (an all-inclusive spot in my absolutely favorite area of Nashville). This resolve has earned the respect of people I love…including myself (some of y’all will catch that later). This resolve has helped me to keep trusting that God has a plan, whether I totally “get it” or not. This resolve also has me excited to see my eyebrow waxer in just a few hours, so that I can tell her all of what I just shared with you.
By no means am I trying to say that just because I’m calm that this was comfortable. Chile, please. What I do hope you get from all of this, though, is being mindful, living in the moment, and resolving to only control what you can control can make getting through this life, oh so much richer in the good times and oh so much easier in the trying ones.
A lot of y’all know that I’m not a holiday person (check out “So, What If You Don't Observe Holidays?”) and that I actually observe Rosh Hashanah as my new year — real talk, both of these things probably prepared me too because your entire world going up in smoke, three days before Christmas is, really something. And again, while I'm still connecting the dots of what’s going on beyond my human level of processing, what I do know is I’m in a stable, solid, and secure place and December 22 helped to get and keep me there.
Beauty for ashes, for real, y’all. I am grateful — and to say that after all that has just happened? That is true evolution. For something. That’s coming. I know. Without question. And I’m ready. I am really and truly ready. I learned and graduated from this lesson — and I’m excited about that. “Unattached” and hopeful. Selah and amen.
Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images