I have never known a day without God in my life. It sounds dramatic, but it's true. I spent summers at vocation Bible school in a small town south of Atlanta with my grandmother, at the kind of church with crinkled paper fans and a choir whose voices vibrated through the creaky wooden pews. As a teen, I was an usher and sang in the choir—off-key, but sincere. I always went to church, but I didn't always know how to pray.
Prayer is how we communicate and connect with God but it's how He changes us. Don't let other people's assumptions about prayer complicate that. Their discomfort or ignorance can prompt you to question your own confidence in your spiritual life. Even if you're a baby believer, or haven't prayed much before, you can start. I learned to ignore the people who questioned my spiritual certainty and honored God's voice within me. I have dreamt about things in my life that have come to pass. I have followed small whispers that guided me to opportunities and people who changed my life. I have been shown things I cannot explain. People who I know love me and still think I'm crazy, but I know myself.
I learned to make space in my life for the voice of my spirit. She, through God, tells me which parties to attend, who to love, who to block, which friends are foe, how I spend money, which job offers to accept. But it took time to truly hear her. It took discipline. It took life falling apart.
Here's a secret: you won't always feel like praying.
But do it anyway. Pray – especially when you're angry, when you have questions and when your doubts are turning your life upside down. Seek inner peace. Learning to respect that soft voice deep down is how you learn to trust your God and yourself.
The woman you will become is built through life's joy, pain. and your ability to pray through it.
Here's a few steps to becoming a powerful privately praying woman:
Create Your Own Sanctuary.
I pray throughout the day. In my car, at work, in the shower, on my knees, dancing around, in the gym, in my closet-- you get the point. You don't have to wait until it's dark outside to fall on your knees before bed after a hectic day. Prayer is God's direct extension, it takes time to hear him through the static. Don't rattle off a list of wants without listening back for His voice. It won't be loud and His message at times may be muffled. But keep practicing. There could even be a time where God's silence forces a leap of faith.
I transformed part of my closest into my prayer lounge. On the floor: green decorative pillows. On the walls: letters to God, pink Post-it's with scriptures, and list of times God showed up for me. Some days, I sit in silence. Other days, I'm crying out to God (or just crying) with my journal and a praise-be-to-the-most-high-please-fix-it-Jesus playlist. Take ownership in being a prayer warrior by creating a space where you can listen, cry, plan, profess, and grow. Be intentional with your time.
Your sanctuary isn't limited to prayer. Prayer isn't just about having a conversation with God, it's about connecting with your soul. You can hear God through exercise, yoga, cooking, writing. Allow your interests and talents to reveal your true self.
Seek Wise Counsel.
We all need people in our lives who want us to win. But not all good advice is applicable to your situation. Not all good ideas are good for you. You must be mindful what you allow people to speak over you. Listening to the wrong advice from the right people ties you to their expectations and abilities. Mama knows best, but is it possible for mama to be wrong this time? (Sorry, mama.) If someone shares an opinion that feels wrong, or goes against what you believe to be the destined plan for your life, respectfully decline. Swipe right. Exit. Not everyone's intentions are pure and sometimes they can project their fears onto.
Be Still & Be Quiet.
I struggled with this big time because I LOVE to talk. I ran from being quiet with God for years. Like, “OK, God you want me to be alone with my anxieties, fears, and truths and work through it all?" Nah. I'm good. But if you treat it as a form of self-care, prayer will change your life.
If you're constantly running from what you don't know about yourself, the finish line of wholeness and peace will always keep moving away from you. You'll never get there. You'll never truly win.
Fall in love with being alone, being still, and being quiet. Yes, socialize, date, network, but find time to be with yourself. Listen for the small voice within. Listen for the ideas that fall into your heart. Search for the spirit that gets drowned out by the distractions of retweets and double-taps.
Reasses Your Resources.
Some Sundays we're in the pews and others, we're streaming saints and bedside Baptists. Either way, connect to ministries that speak to your soul.
Podcasts, sermons, and books aren't one size fits all. We screenshot a meme, read an amazing book, or text sermon notes to Bae and Friends that are meant only for us. Learn which spiritual teachers and materials work for you. You don't have to delete all the inspirational texts from your group chat or rebuke your girls the next time they share a word, but don't feel guilty for guarding your heart and learning what best suits you at the time. For you, silent mediation may work better than TD Jakes speaking in tongues. Don't let anyone force you into their spiritual routine. Invent your own.
Don't Give Up.
Prayer isn't a magic potion that miraculously treats your problems and scatters fairy dust across your dreams. Nope. Nothing in life is that simple. Life will challenge you, especially as you begin new jobs, new relationships, and a new journey of self-discovery. Don't wait until something is wrong to talk to God. He's good in a crisis, but get to know Him (and yourself) before one presents itself.
One thing is certain: prayer is your power tool.
It secures the foundation of what you believe about yourself and your life. It tints the walls of your world with encouragement. It embellishes the rooms of your soul. Use what you believe about God and the Holy Spirit and train yourself to trust that voice, despite your doubts.
Listen to her. Follow her lead. She is intelligent, beautiful, ambitious, and strong despite any circumstances or flaws.
Prayer doesn't guarantee ease, perfection, or control over your life. It dresses you with the confidence you need to conquer it.
Nicole Baker is a weekday morning anchor in Savannah, Georgia.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com.
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
Jeff Bergen/ Getty Images
"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
Westend61/ Getty Images
While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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Feature image by Vladimir Vladimirov/ Getty Images
