It's a wrap, y'all. Can you believe 2020 is almost over? We have officially entered my favorite season of the year which, for many of us, between carving out more time to spend with our loved ones for the holidays, closing the company's books for business owners, and doing all sorts of things to get ready for the year ahead, can be a hectic time. It's also a time during which there's massive self-reflection going on—contemplating the months that have just passed, positive and negative events that have occurred, what has gone well and what hasn't, as well as determining the actions that we can take with the intent to make our futures better.
It's no secret that this year has been a bit...'unplanned' for lack of a better word. Unplanned in a sense where I'm sure none of us wrote down "surviving a pandemic and aggravated racism" on our goals list for 2020. But also in a sense where, despite the terrible things we had to go through and the many challenges we had to face, somehow I've seen the world express a lot of gratitude all along—if I dare to say, more than usual.
How and why is that? Well, this is a conversation I've been lucky enough to have with 4 incredibly resilient women that walked me through some of the hardest battles they fought this year, told me about what these difficult times taught them about gratitude, as well as what gratitude means to them.
Niekiha (Nikki) Duncan, 30
Courtesy of Niekiha Duncan
Graphic Designer, Creative Director, Blogger & Tattoo Shop Owner
When January 2020 rolled around, I found myself in an uncomfortable place. While vision board parties and "New Year, new me" talk surrounded me, I felt uninspired to plan anything. Buying a planner wasn't in my intentions, neither was setting any professional or personal goals. I felt lost about what I was doing and where I was going.
The main obstacles I faced this year all revolved around my own need for personal and emotional growth.
I, like many other women, have a tendency to try to control anything and everything around me. But times like these forced me to face the fact that no matter how hard we work on avoiding bad things from happening, in the end, rare are the times when we truly have the final say.
Confronting my own issues wasn't easy. I think it's fair to say that human beings have a hard time to admit that maybe the root of the problems they are facing in their lives actually lies within them. The process of holding myself accountable, dropping the excuses, and prioritizing my own journey was my biggest obstacle—but also my biggest reward.
I think that, as women, we tend to rush the "feeling like ish process" during hard times. Personally, there were times when I've navigated tough storms and found myself in a hurry to feel better.
Meanwhile, rushing into positivity often silences our ability to heal and suppresses a lot of necessary healing. Growth happens during hard times. Reflection is possible in moments where everything else is stripped away.
It wasn't until mid-March that I became more intentional about setting some personal and professional goals for myself. I remembered my wish to dive deeper into doing creative direction and graphic design for female-centric brands, and I acted on it. From there, the vision I had for my future became clearer, leading me to achieve major life goals that were previously nonexistent, such as creating and launching a physical planner plus a lifestyle brand focused on celebrating multilayered women in pursuit of self-improvement, self-love, and purpose. Today, unlike last year, I'm happy to say that I'm looking forward to 2021.
Finally, if I had to define gratitude, I would say it requires mindfulness; allowing yourself to pause from time to time and reflect on the journey. It's finding a balance between appreciating your growth, owning your past, and desiring to have more.
Follow Nikki on Instagram: @dailybynikki.
Akima Byfield, 28
Courtesy of Akima Byfield
Healthcare Operations Manager
This year challenged my mentality on a level I didn't see coming and was not prepared for at all. It took a toll on me as there were many crying and unhappy nights. All that I longed for financially happened and it turned out I was more unhappy than I was when I didn't have it.
At the end of each year, I purchase a new journal to dedicate my thoughts and goals for the upcoming year. On December 31, I spend an hour and a half before the new year to jot down any and all things I would like to see come into fruition. In 2019, I envisioned many things scaling from mental, emotional, physical, and materialistic means. I also prayed for a new position which I was able to accomplish with the help of the Most High.
I manifested a salary increase of $34,000 which placed me as the first African-American and youngest Operations Manager in the company's history.
I've learned that although it may be easier to bask in the negativity, we should put work into finding the positive just so we can be reminded that every "L" isn't a loss. Quite the contrary, most of the time, it's a lesson. That what is meant for us will be ours, at the time that is destined for us. To be happy with ourselves and our situation, we must appreciate ourselves and all that we've previously overcome.
Follow Akima on Instagram: @_akima
Robin Allison Davis, 36
Courtesy of Robin Allison Davis
Producer (Documentary/Multimedia)
What has this year taught me about gratitude, you ask? Well, I've learned that if we take the time to look around, we can see that no matter where we find ourselves in life, beauty still surrounds us and small wins do matter.
I began my year undergoing my last reconstructive surgery after a 1.5 year battle with breast cancer. I didn't have too many goals for 2020, to be honest; my main plan was to get back on my feet after a trying and difficult two years. However, life threw me a curveball during the summer. To be honest, I believed nothing could be as bad as what I already went through.
It's hard to explain the roller coaster that 2020 has been. I'd had a very tough two years going through my cancer journey virtually alone considering I'm a single American expat living in Paris, France.
Shortly after my reconstructive surgery, France went into its first round of lockdown due to COVID-19. Knowing that I was vulnerable because of my medical history, I strictly adhered to the rules and never left my small studio apartment for the entire eight weeks during which we were required to stay home. It was a joy to be healthy and have my own space to keep myself safe. But when I visited my doctors for my follow-up appointments after they lifted the lockdown, after multiple tests and yet another surgery, I was told that my cancer returned—more aggressively. I'm currently going through chemotherapy as I'm writing this—not quite the end of the year I had imagined.
It's shocking to find out that you'll be battling cancer twice in two years. It's even worse when the reality hits you that due to the pandemic, you have to go through your treatment alone, without family or friends able to fly over to help you recover.
Mentally and emotionally, I felt broken. Yes, I'd done this before but never had I had to go through it in a time where I'm not allowed to reach out to a friend for a hug. Breast cancer can be an extremely isolating experience and the COVID-19 made it even worse.
I don't think I'm well-placed to give advice on how to maintain a state of gratitude. I'm still on my journey and it's even more difficult than I expected it would be. But maintaining a positive attitude is one of the most important things I can do to win my battle and aid in my recovery. One thing that I try to remember is to be kind to myself. If I'm not where I need to be mentally, I may be the next day or the day after.
With all of that being said, even with everything that has happened this year in the world and to me personally, I'm not willing to say that 2020 is the worst year ever.
It's not an answer you would expect from someone going through cancer treatment, but what I'm most grateful for are my health and my body. I've gone through multiple surgeries, rounds of chemotherapy and so much more, but I'm still here. My body is still fighting and in most moments, I feel completely fine—although exhausted. I made the conscious effort to not hate my body for my situation, but to encourage it to continue the fight.
Follow Robin on Instagram: @robinista
Chantel King, 29
Courtesy of Chantel King
Content Creator
From the beginning, 2020 was getting the best of me and weighing me down, both on a mental and emotional level. It felt as though everything that I worked for was being taken away from me one by one.
First, it was my 10-year relationship. Although the breakup occurred a few months before we entered this new decade, I was still trying to find my way back to myself and heal my heart when the year started. Then, during the summer, there was that one week that completely K.O.'d me and turned my life upside down: My best friend and I parted ways because of a meaningless argument, my other best friend, my 15-year-old dog Tigger, passed away the next day, and the day after, I got laid off from my 9-5 which left me with a brand new car note to pay off with zero income. Oh, and did I mention that not even a month after getting my brand new car, I got into a car accident that could've easily taken my life?
Until recently, that's what 2020 consisted of for me: Falling into depression, not having much to brag about whereas I pictured myself engaged, moved out with a new car, and working my dream career by this time. But I had nothing. And yet, I was still being grateful.
Gratitude plays a huge role in my life. It's what keeps me motivated. Not long ago, I started a concept called 365 days of gratitude. Every day, I make a list of the things I'm grateful for to help me get through my darkest days. Doing this taught me to find the simplest blessings in my daily life. Some days are tough, some others are sad, but if we find something to be thankful for, then the way we view our reality changes. It also taught me that, more than anything, life happens for a reason.
We cannot stress over what we cannot control; instead, we should find a way to fix things. Stressing does nothing but make us miserable. One of my favorite quotes is: "Do not dig up in doubt what you planted in faith." In other words, just because things are bad now doesn't mean they will stay that way.
The proof is, when I got laid off, I took advantage of my free time to hone my creative skills which include writing, all while networking during virtual events. That later led me to land a Social Media Manager gig with a renowned brand. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in the position I am in today.
By pushing through. By changing your perspective, learning to accept, and letting go of things you cannot control. That's how you create and maintain a state of gratitude. Instead of saying, "Damn, I wish I could stay in bed," when your alarm goes off in the morning, say, "I'm so thankful to see another day."
Find the little blessings in life; they are there to remind you that you are doing just fine.
Follow Chantel on Instagram: @chantel.ciera
Featured image courtesy of Niekiha Duncan
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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Featured image by madopile/Getty Images