This TikToker Explains Why An 'Upcycled' Husband Is The Wave If You Want To Get Married In Your 30s
Single woman here! So, I spend a lot of time thinking about dating. And these days, I mean that quite literally. But I will say that I’ve been thinking about it and thinking about strategy for when I’m back out there. Hello! Because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. And I’m tired of throwing Stouffer’s spaghetti at the wall when I’m trying to make some shit straight out of Italy.
So, of course, the TikTok algorithm did what it does best and put me in the way of TikToker, Marshana Spavento, and the concept of an “upcycled” husband. She met (on Bumble, for the modern girlies) her husband at 37 and married him when she was 38, which some might look at as moving too fast, but it is also what people mean when they say “when men know – they know.”
Yes, I know we skipped a few beats here, going from dating to marriage, but just stay with me. Spavento talks not only about how, for women in their thirties looking to get married, an upcycled husband is the wave you want to ride. But, what’s more, she offers some helpful tips on how to get there based on her personal journey – dating intentionally, centering self-improvement, and not adhering to conversations about going dutch if what you desire is a “provider-type.”
What Is an Upcycled Husband?
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According to Spavento, an “upcycled” husband can be defined as the following:
- Been a divorcee for anywhere from two to four years.
- Holds himself accountable for his role in the divorce.
- Doesn’t badmouth his ex-wife. He’s not scorned.
- He wants to get out there again and do things better. He’s learned, and he’s willing.
What Is a Recycled Husband?
Alternatively, she defines a “recycled” husband as the following:
- Married a handful of times.
- Continue making the same mistakes.
- May talk negatively about their ex or may have even lost custody of their children.
- Bitter, angry, etc, are signature traits.
- They’re willing to remarry but at your expense.
What Is a Downcycled Husband?
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Lastly, there’s the “downcycled” husband who will essentially marry you just to throw you a bone. They’re not typically provider types but more often the 50-50 type. Sent straight from hell to ruin you – so run, girl! As the TikTok suggests, he’s not worth talking about, but the last thing to note is he’s very likely “homeless and only, probably, with you because he needs a place to stay.”
But the husband starts with you, friend (I’m talking to myself, too). Her entire page is dedicated to all the ways in which you can intentionally date. In fact, she more recently discusses how the “lottery method” in dating isn’t something she likes and how she did the work to get all that she has.
I’m going to share the intentional mindset shifts that stood out most to me are the ways in which you must show up for yourself, first!
1. Do the (Healing) Work
Spavento highly recommends going to therapy in order to work on yourself. As you’ll know, therapy is not simply for deeply traumatized people. My favorite thing to mention to people is what’s known as little ‘t’ trauma versus big ‘t’ trauma. Trauma is subjective, and the load carried doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some trauma is not as glaring to our subconscious, much less to the external world.
What I’m trying to say is don’t denounce therapy because your trauma isn’t more on the opposite spectrum. Go for the little shit because a million little things are just as heavy as one big thing or traumatic event.
2. Invest in Elevated Hobbies
This one is my favorite and something I’ve been trying to expand my bandwidth to include, anyway. I have a girlfriend who wakes up on Saturdays to go to a floral arranging class, and that’s when it hit me that we’re at that age! Truthfully, I love that these types of activities are being integrated in addition to brunch because going all in for a drunken brunch can get exhausting. Nevertheless, this is a great example of an elevated hobby.
While your hobbies shouldn’t center on finding a man, you do want to ensure your hobbies bring value to the lifestyle that you desire.
Learning how to arrange flowers is a great skill for hosting dinner parties and creating a loved living space. Not only are those things that center our feminine energy, but they attract the type of man who desires a homemaking wife.
Spavento highly recommends this, and both before and after meeting her husband continues to do things such as learn secondary languages. She speaks very highly of the benefits of picking up a second language. And, honestly, anyone with eyes can see the benefits as well. I mean, think of all the ways it elevates your career. Now, imagine how it can contribute to your everyday life. Worldly and well-traveled are skills that are valuable to both yourself and a high-value man.
3. Remember, Omission is Your Bestie
Take this with a grain of salt. But, essentially, you shouldn’t share how men in the past have wronged you. While this isn’t new advice, I really enjoyed the reframes that she offers in her video “Do NOT Lead With Your Pain.” As a single mother to a one-year-old, I curiously asked her what she would suggest saying since it’s very obvious that there’s clearly a story there. My good sis suggested telling men, “[The] relationship didn’t work due to wanting different things from life and his deeply personal issues, but you wish him the best.”
The reason it’s best to abstain from divulging these details has a lot to do with the unfortunate way that people will use these as a benchmark for how to treat you.
I’m going to use myself again here, but I often see the rhetoric from men that it’s ridiculous that a woman would have a trash baby’s father and then demand more from the next man. And, very often, they express that they’re uninterested in stepping up to be better for a woman that they essentially have written off due to her previously poor decisions and the decreased value after being shitted on by another man. But I guarantee that they’d still date her. And, in this scenario, it’s theorized that they would care for her based on the care they perceive she’s deserving of.
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Candice Adowole and Etiquette Lessons
Now, Spavento took etiquette lessons in Switzerland, but she is certainly aware of the investment and privilege that’s required to do such a thing. In that regard, she challenges you to invest in yourself and do a little searching to find something local or seek out tips online.
She also counters the “independent woman” culture with Candice Adewole’s Feminine Renaissance University, which is an online course. Alternatively, Adewole has inexpensive books and provides a condensed version of her teachings. The three books that she recommends are 1) A Black Girl’s Guide to Being Blissfully Feminine, 2) A Girl’s Guide to Being a Lady in Waiting, and 3) The Black Girl’s Guide to Living, Loving, and Traveling Abroad.
For all the talk about a soft life and such, it’s not discussed enough how, for Black women, leading a soft life is a learned behavior. That unwavering independence must be reworked to allow us to be vulnerable and so many other things. Otherwise, it’s rather challenging to attract a man who can also provide us with a soft life – the upcycled husband that we all deserve. I think that the fastest way to a soft life is to immerse yourself in soft life behaviors that include being well-rounded, well-read, and well-traveled.
And ultimately, as she reminds us, there’s no downside to elevating yourself. The worst thing that could happen from any of this is you come out on the other side better, and who doesn’t want that?
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Issa Rae Launches New Viarae Prosecco Rosé: ‘It’s The Perfect Next Step’
Issa Rae’s wins are rooted in showing up as her authentic self.
Outside of Hollywood, the actress, writer, producer, and entrepreneur’s organic approach to pursuing business ideas is exemplified in her wine and spirits venture. In October 2023, Rae’s signature go-to drink Prosecco transformed into her founding her own brand. Launched with GALLO, Viarae Prosecco put a new spin on the classic sparkling white wine and debuted as a bubbly that can be sipped on everyday occasions.
Prior to Viarae Prosecco flying off store shelves and earning a 2024 Wine Star Award nomination for Innovator of the Year, Rae told Wine Enthusiast she would be interested in expansion “if people f*ck with” her brand. Two days short of a year since Viarae Prosecco launched, the day has officially come.
Courtesy
On Oct. 14, Rae and GALLO announced the launch of Viarae Prosecco Rosé. Compared to the original Viarae Prosecco, which is made from 100% Glera — also known as the Italian grape used to craft Prosecco — the new addition to the line is 88% Glera and 12% Pinot Noir.
"I am so excited to share the new Viarae Prosecco Rosé with everyone," Rae expressed in a statement shared with xoNecole. "This wine brings together the crisp, refreshing taste of Prosecco with vibrant notes of raspberry, strawberry, and peach, making it the perfect addition to any celebration. Viarae Prosecco Rosé adds that perfect sparkle to every moment."
Courtesy
When Rae was introduced to prosecco by Melina Matsoukas, filmmaker and director-producer for Insecure, it was on a sushi date. Similar to Viarae Prosecco, Viarae Prosecco Rosé can be paired with Asian dishes as well as serve as an overall aperitif for brunch, lunch, dinner, and dessert.
Within the span of five months, Viarae Prosecco transitioned from only being sold in select markets to selling in retail stores across the U.S. Along with retail expansion, the spotlight has been on Rae’s brand from having a featured activation at Broccoli City Festival 2024 in Washington, D.C. to selling out Brooklyn Paramount with special guests Law Roach, Lil Rel Howery, and Erika Alexander.
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With the endless support that’s been poured into Viarae Prosecco, Rae says the timing of expanding the company was opportune.
"The success of Viarae Prosecco has been incredible, and I’m so proud of how it’s resonated with everyone,” she shared, per a press release. “Now, I’m beyond excited to expand the Viarae line with the introduction of Viarae Prosecco Rosé. It’s the perfect next step, bringing even more vibrant, celebratory energy to the table. I can’t wait for everyone to experience this new addition."
Viarae Prosecco Rosé is available at select markets and on-premise establishments nationwide.
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