Y’all, I won’t lie — sometimes I will see a Black woman with a texturized TWA (teeny weeny afro), and I will have to talk myself out of pulling out my clippers and going back to the days when I had one. Not only was that look super cute on me (if I do say so myself), but because I have cut my own hair, shoot, most of my adult life, it’s a look that is also really easy to manage. So, why don’t I just do it? Because this journey of learning about my hair via growing it out has been a metaphor for me on so many different levels.
Now, I must admit that the “downside” to knowing how to use shears is I don’t have nearly as many inches as I would’ve if I had more self-control when it comes to turning trims into cuts. However, for the past several months, there has been a different level of progress thanks to 1) taking an iron and biotin supplement); 2) being way gentler with my ends, and 3) adding bond builders to my wash days.
And that last one? When I tell you that it has been a complete game-changer for my hair in just about every single way that I can think of? That’s why I had to pen a piece on it: to help some of y’all out if gaining more inches is a personal goal for you in 2024. Because if one thing has gotten me closer to my own wishes for my hair, bond building, one thousand times over, is it?
Why Bond Builders for Hair Are a Haircare Game-Changer
What Exactly Are Bond Builders, Anyway?
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I oftentimes compare hair to silk. The reason why is because, while on one hand, it’s hella strong (it is literally comparable to steel), at the same time, when it’s not provided the things that it needs, it can be extremely fragile, too. On the fragility tip, for instance, because I am borderline anemic and my periods can be a real trip on the blood loss tip during the first couple of days, I used to underestimate the need for an iron supplement.
As far as how iron affects my hair, without it, I can shed more than the standard 50-100 strands a day. Hair follicles? Did you know that there is such a thing as hygral fatigue? It’s when we end up damaging our hair follicles by applying too much moisture to them. And our tresses’ cuticles? Between heat, styling, hair dye, relaxers, and not giving our hair enough hydration, that can lead to breakage, split ends, and other drama that, unfortunately, is oftentimes irreversible — which means we have to cut our hair because there’s not much else that can be done. *le sigh*
And y’all, that last part is where bond building comes in.
Basically, bond builders are hair products that are loaded with structural proteins that help to both repair as well as strengthen the bonds that are within the hair fibers of your hair cuticles. What’s really cool about them is, unlike a lot of the hair products that claim to do stuff like fix split ends (there’s no such thing, for the record), bond builders actually penetrate your hair cuticles in order to restore some of what’s been lost deep within your hair strands.
As a direct result, your hair ends up becoming stronger (even after the first use), so that it’s less brittle, fragile, and prone to breakage.
Although it’s a bit of a complex process, probably the easiest and quickest way to explain how bond builders actually work is they strengthen your hair by “breathing new life” into the three bonds that make up your hair: the ionic, covalent, and hydrogen ones. The healthier those bonds are, the healthier your hair will be. Cool, right?
How To Know if Your Hair Needs Bond Builders
Okay, so you might be curious about who ultimately benefits most from bond-building products. Although honestly, everyone probably could on some level, many hair experts recommend bond builders to individuals who chemically treat their hair (including dyes) and those who use heat on a regular basis. Although I personally don’t fall into either category, the reason why I still apply bond builders on my wash days is because my hair is high porosity.
This means that my cuticles are lifted, which makes it easier for my hair to absorb moisture (good) and also makes it more vulnerable to losing moisture just as quickly, which makes it easier for my hair to get damaged quicker (not good). By applying a bond builder to my locks, my cuticles are smoother, which reduces frizz and makes my hair easier to manage while also keeping moisture in my hair for longer. I’m telling you, if someone wanted me to do a free commercial for bond building, I totally would! Few things have benefitted my hair so extremely as bond builders in a very long time.
Repair Bond + Resculplex Repair & Protect Leave-In Treatment
Marc Anthony
As far as the brand that I use, I’m a fan of Marc Anthony’s line. I started out with his Repair & Protect Leave-In Treatment and have added a couple of other products along the way. When I tell you that my hair IMMEDIATELY feels softer and stronger after spraying it with his conditioner and that it remains that way for days on end? I’m telling you, bond builders have totally changed my life as far as the quality of my hair goes.
Now, because I’m still relatively new to the whole bond building, I can’t offer much insight on other bond-building products. What I do know is bond building is gaining in popularity, so new ones seem to be popping up on a daily basis. So, if you want to read up on some other ones, Real Simple featured a few in an article that they published on bond builders close to around this time last year. You can look into it here.
What To Know About Bond Builders Before Adding It to Your Routine
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If more and more, bond builders are something that you think you’d like to try, just to make sure that I offer up as much information as possible, I want to leave you with three things to keep in mind.
1. There are three main things that bond builders will offer your hair. If you’re still trying to figure out if bond builders are a personal necessity, just remember that it’s great for 1) reducing breakage, 2) retaining moisture, and 3) bringing healing to overprocessed hair. That said, if none of these things is much of a struggle for you, bond-building products are likely to be unnecessary.
2. Not all bond-building products are created equal. When it comes to what I use, I think I was lucky because I know other people who had to go through quite a bit of trial and error before finding a bond builder that was ideal for them. And because some are (way) more expensive than others and/or they can have a sticky residue or odd smell, just be prepared to do some (not the cheapest) experimenting before committing to a particular product.
3. Bond building comes in different forms. There are bond-building shampoos, bond-building conditioners, bond-building masks, and bond-building serums. What I use is a mask and leave-in conditioner because, even when it comes to bond builders, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, especially since they are full of protein (and too much protein can also dry out your hair and lead to breakage). So, as you’re figuring out which route you want to take, try to avoid overkill.
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There you have it. A roaring endorsement of something that can help you retain length by keeping your hair strong from root to tip. Literally. Keep me posted (via the comments) on how bond building ends up working out for you.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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