Promise Your Skin And Hair That You'll Do These 12 Things In The New Year
Aight. We all know that this is the time of year when resolutions are at their peak. My suggestion? Make less resolutions (80 percent of them fail within the month anyway) and instead focus on vowing to do some things that are manageable, super attainable, and can be easily added into your self-care routine. Things like the following 12 on this beauty list — six for your skin and six for your hair.
To be honest with you, some of these are big beauty trends for 2024. Others? They are simply things that, I can say from very up close and personal experience, will help you to achieve glowing skin and longer and healthier hair.
So, are you ready to make this the best year yet as far as how your appearance goes? Me too!
From Vitamin C to Tea Rinses: The Beauty Resolutions That Will Elevate Your 2024
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Skin: Topical Vitamin C
Vitamin C is a powerful antioxidant that, health-wise, can help to keep the common cold at bay, make it easier for your system to absorb iron, and it can fight off free radicals as well. As far as your skin is concerned, if you apply it in the form of a cream or serum, vitamin C can deeply moisturize your skin, help to fade hyperpigmentation, boost collagen production, reduce sagging of the skin, and help you to look years younger. As a bonus, if you happen to battle with dark circles underneath your eyes, it can help to fade those out, too.
So, if flawless skin is your goal for this year, Elle has their top list of vitamin C serums here, Byrdie has some of their favorites here, and we have some of our favorites here.
Hair: Bond-Building
Even though some folks are haters of this next recommendation (because they aren’t convinced that they actually work consistently and effectively), I’ve been sold on bond-builders since, I think, late 2022. Since my hair has high porosity, I get that my cuticles stand out and that there are gaps in them. What bond-builders do is help strengthen the chemical bonds of your hair strands in a way that can literally make you feel like your damaged or weak hair has been “cured” after one treatment. To be fair, if you’re looking to do something like repair any split ends that you may have, nothing can fix that — you’ll need to cut them off.
However, if you want more elasticity, for your strands to feel smoother, and for styling your hair to be a lot easier, bond-building is that one, you hear me? What I can personally vouch for is Marc Anthony’s line. His Marc Anthony Repairing Leave-In Conditioner Treatment and Marc Anthony Repairing Mask are the absolute truth.
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Skin: Neck Care
Y’all…Y’ALL. I know that Black women like to brag on us not crackin’; however, the reality is that if we don’t take care of our skin, crackin’ is on the horizon (check out “Yes, Black CAN Crack. Here's What To Do About It, Tho.”) — and that is especially the case when it comes to women who ignore their neck. I ain’t gonna name no names, but there are some celebs out here who look amazing in the face, yet their neck tells on them every single time because it sags, it wrinkles, or it’s got rings all around it. That’s why there’s no way I could do an article like this and not mention how important neck care is.
You need to moisturize your neck (with a thicker cream than what you would use on your face). You need to exfoliate your neck. I actually read that consuming omega-3 fatty acids like salmon, walnuts, and eggs, especially at night, along with applying retinol (because it helps to increase the elasticity in your skin) can also do wonders for your neck.
If retinols are something that you’d like to get more into this year, Today has a list of serums that they stand behind here. Whatever regimen you decide, don’t neglect your neck this year. It’ll tell on you every time if you do.
Hair: Hair Follicle Care
The reason why I’ve written articles for the platform like “Top To Bottom: 10 Tips To Strengthen Your Hair Follicles & Protect Your Ends” before is because, if you’re on the journey of attaining some serious length retention this year (check out “Let's Gain An Inch A Month Of Hair Growth 'Til December, Shall We?”), there’s no way around the fact that you’re going to have to give your hair follicles (the roots of your hair) and your ends (check out “Your Ends Are How You Get Length. 10 Things They Desperately Need.”) some serious TLC. As far as your follicles go, some signs that they are weaker than they should be include having a dry scalp, experiencing excessive shedding, and having brittle hair.
One thing that can nip all of this in the bud is limiting the amount of heat that you use. Some others include massaging your scalp on a weekly basis (check out “10 Things Your Scalp Has BEEN Waiting For You To Do”), getting more zinc into your system (it helps to strengthen your hair follicles and prevent hair loss, so either take a zinc supplement or eat zinc-enriched foods like beans, pumpkin seeds and whole grains) and being very gentle with your hair when it's wet; that’s when it is its most fragile.
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Skin: Facial Peels
The main reason why I wrote “I've Been Doing At-Home Chemical Peels. Here Are The Pros And Cons.” for the platform last fall is because I know that DIY skincare is steadily on the rise, if for no other reason than the fact that it’s easier on the wallet. Personally, since I’ve been more proactive about my own skin at home, I’ve had no regrets, facial peels included; although it did take a bit of trial and error before I figured out what worked best for me. That said, whether you go to a licensed esthetician, you choose to take care of your skin 100 percent yourself, or you want to implement a combination of both — definitely make facial peels a part of your face’s skincare routine.
They have the ability to do everything from even out your skin tone, and reduce breakouts to minimize pores and soften the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. A line that I am fond of (because I use it) is Perfect Image. I’m a fan because they come in different concentration levels, and the prices are pretty fair. If you follow the instructions to a “T,” you should be fine. Again, though, there are always people who are trained in facial peels if you’re a bit on the fence about applying facial peels yourself. Don’t feel bad if you prefer going that route instead.
Hair: Coating Ends Nightly
As I’m continuing to learn more about my hair, two of my biggest mistakes have been not giving it regular protein treatments (which should happen every 4-6 weeks) and not coating my ends on a consistent basis. Since our ends are the oldest parts of our hair, this means that they’ve received the most wear and tear — and that makes them the most fragile. So yes, if you want to gain some inches, they need to be pampered the most. One way you can do that is by “coating your ends” at night. Basically, what I do is apply a leave-in conditioner that is water-based and then seal that with a carrier oil like sweet almond or grapeseed because they are both light in texture.
Some like to use a grease like Blue Magic instead (I ain’t knockin’ it; I wrote an article shouting it out a few years back entitled, “Looking For Hair Growth? It Might Be Time To Bring 'Blue Magic' Back”) because it’s thicker. It’s totally up to you. Just make sure that you don’t go to bed with your ends being parched. It’s not a good look and will probably lead to breakage more than any type of growth progress.
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Skin: Back Facial
Four times a year, something that I will see a skin professional for is a back facial — and I can immediately tell the difference every time that I do. For one thing, I have about four, what are known as pores of Winer, which is basically a stretched-out pore (that probably resembles a small mole) that contains a blackhead or something that looks like a small black seed once it's removed. Unless you get a healthcare provider to stitch up the pore, it’s going to constantly fill back up over time, so yeah…back facials are one way to prevent them from irritating you or becoming unsightly. Another reason why I am consistent about getting back facials is because I have a tiny eczema patch around where my bra straps connect, and since it’s hell trying to reach back there, I get it “tended to” by a professional.
And finally, until someone comes up with a tool that will help us to thoroughly pamper our backs (and boy, do I live for the day!), I get my back deep-cleansed and exfoliated. It is worth every penny, I tell you. So, whether you can relate to all of these reasons, you workout a lot and you want to keep back acne from getting out of control, or you like to show off your back as much as possible (or all of the reasons above), invest in at least a couple of back facials this year. There is no way that you will regret it.
Hair: Scalp Exfoliation
Something that will have you out here feeling like a whole new woman is exfoliating your scalp. I wish it was something that I had gotten into years ago — hell, decades at this point. What put me on was when I was fully transitioning out of texturizers (which are mild perms; please don’t tell yourself otherwise because it’s simply not true) to full-on natural hair. When I tell you that my scalp was shedding something serious? I didn’t realize how much trauma I had been sending it through with years of damaging it from various chemicals to the point where it literally took a year for my scalp to fully recover. One thing that helped? Exfoliating because, just like the rest of our skin sheds dead skin cells, so does our scalp.
And if you do exfoliate it on every wash day (or at least every other one), it can help to get rid of dead skin cells, remove product build-up, stimulate your hair follicles, remove dandruff flakes and soothe an itchy and/or irritated scalp as well. There are scalp exfoliants that you can purchase (like these here), or you can go the DIY route. One of my favorites consists of white sugar, sea salt, some grapeseed oil, and peppermint oil. Apply the mixture to damp hair, gently massage for about 2-3 minutes, let it penetrate for five more minutes, and then shampoo. Some other effective scalp exfoliant recipes are located here.
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Skin: Using Body Serums That Contain Niacinamide
Has your skin been looking dry and dull lately? Perhaps it appears even a bit tired. Something that you might want to look into is a body serum; preferably one that contains what is known as niacinamide, which is simply a form of vitamin B3; it’s an ingredient that is going to be very popular all this year. Probably one of the best things to say about niacinamide is what makes it different from hyaluronic acid is, while the acid deeply hydrates your skin, niacinamide also reduces the appearance of pores, lightens dark spots, and softens the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.
My recommendation is to use the serum 2-3 times a week and the acid, especially on your face and neck, twice a day. Your skin will be on-point from head to toe if you do.
Hair: Softening Your Water
Did you know that over 85 percent of the people who live in the United States deal with hard water? When it comes to your skin, hard water can clog up your pores, which can lead to breakouts. When it comes to your scalp, hard water can leave it extremely dry and irritated. And when it comes to your hair, the build-up of the minerals that are in hard water can leave your hair dry and brittle while causing a significant amount of hard-to-manage frizz. Although clarifying shampoos and even apple cider rinses can help to reduce the damage that hard water can cause over time, one of the best ways to prevent it from becoming an issue for your hair at all is to get a solid showerhead filter. Why? Well, they are specifically designed to take impurities out of the water that can cause hard water in the first place.
A list of some highly recommended filters is located here. If you happen to be someone who shampoos your hair in one of your sinks, some cool faucet filters are found here.
Skin: Tea Rinse
I’m a tea fan. I grew up on it. That’s why I try and pitch articles on tea (check out “10 'Uncommon' Teas You Should Add To Your Stash (& Why),” “8 Teas That Are Really Good For Your Vaginal Health” and “So, Here Are Some Teas That Will Make Your Sex Life So Much Better”) as much as possible. It’s also why I thought that a great way to wrap up some things that you should do for your skin and your hair is to mention tea rinses. Bottom line, teas (especially herbal ones) are packed with antioxidants, tannins, and nutrients that will be great for your natural beauty goals because pretty much whatever is in the tea is what will transfer onto you if you “rinse yourself” with them.
Teas that are great for your skin include chamomile (it reduces inflammation), rooibos (it helps to treat acne), blackberry leaf (it gets rid of free radicals), white tea (it helps to prevent wrinkles), and peppermint tea (it kills bacteria and could even help to heal breakouts). Simply steep your favorite tea (or a combination of teas) for 20 minutes. Let it cool completely. Cleanse your skin. Then saturate a cotton ball in the tea solution, apply it to your skin, and let it sit for between 5-10 minutes before rinsing off with cool water and moisturizing. Your skin will feel immediately refreshed.
Hair: Tea Rinse
And finally, just like your skin can benefit from all that comes with a tea rinse, so can your hair. Three Black YouTubers have videos that expound on this very fact: Limitless Bloom (here), Sharon Nwosu (here), and DINMA OKIKE (here). If you want less shedding, a healthier scalp, more moisture in your strands, and faster hair growth, making time to rinse your hair on your wash days will help you achieve all of this. Some teas that are awesome for your hair are nettle leaf (it strengthens your hair), rosemary tea (it soothes your scalp), and jasmine tea (it stimulates hair growth). My two cents would be to steep the tea for about 45 minutes, add some honey (if you want to deep condition your hair via the rinse), apply the rinse, put a shower cap on your head, and let the rinse sit for 30-60 minutes. Then rinse with lukewarm water and apply a deep conditioner. Your hair will feel so much softer afterward.
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There you have it: 12 things that are reasonably priced, easy to apply, and super effective. So, rather than pressuring yourself with resolutions, just start to implement things that are proven to take your beauty goals to new dimensions. It’s less stressful and so much more beneficial to take that approach.
Welcome to a brand-spankin’ new year, y’all!
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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How 10 Couples Reignited Their Sex Lives After Facing A Sexless Marriage
No matter which client (of mine) you talk to, if you were to ask them about one thing that I’m going to inquire about, during pretty much every session, it’s how their sex life is going. There are a ton of reasons why; however, the main one is because, when two people sign up to share their lives, intimately, only with one another until death parts them, a part of what comes with that is well, a consistent sex life— and if sex ain’t happening, that ain’t good; this includes if it’s only happening 10-15 times a year because that, my friends, is considered to be a sexless marriage.
Now if you’re married (or planning on getting married) and you’re wondering how often you “should” be sleeping with your partner (check out “Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is 'Normal'?”), research says that (at least) once a week (or four times a month because…you know…life) falls into the category of being a “healthy marriage.” Why? Because at least this often shows that you are prioritizing intimacy, quality time, and even pleasure with (and for) your partner.
So, you know what that means, right? If it’s less than this, it could be a telling sign that you’re doing quite the opposite — and y’all, when sex is suffering in a long-term relationship, it’s only a matter of time before other areas do as well…because if there is no intimacy, quality time or pleasure transpiring, does that sound like a happy place for spouses to you?
And although (and oddly), a sexless marriage isn’t blatantly listed as being a formal cause for why couples divorce, the reality is that many folks will end their marriage under the grounds of “irreconcilable differences” when really, what they are saying, is the intimacy is lacking — and they’ve had enough. Case in point: I once read an article that said that out of 18,000 people who were surveyed, 13.5 percent of married people hadn’t had sex in five years or more. FIVE. DAMN. YEARS. Y’all, that’s not thriving or even living in a relationship — that is barely existing.
That said, because things like different sleep schedules, shifts in sex drives, and even boredom or laziness can cause spouses to put sex on the back burner, if you just read all of this and thought, “Yeah, this sounds a lot like my marriage right now” — before you do anything else, read how the following 10 married couples got through their own season(s) of a sexless marriage. It could help you to figure out what needs to be done in order to get your own relationship out of its current sex rut…for the sake of your intimacy needs and your marriage.
*I always use middle names in pieces like these, so that people can speak freely*
1. David and Chrystiana. Married 11 Years.
GiphyDavid: “People like to make this complicated when it’s pretty simple: what you prioritize, you’ll do. The reason why so many single people have a lot of sex isn’t because they don’t have lives and aren’t busy; it’s because they prioritize it. When you’re married, it’s easy to take sex for granted since your partner is in the bed with you every night. Before you know it, a week [of no sex] has turned into three. But just like food, sleep and your favorite streaming show matters to you, you can find a way to make sex happen. My wife and I had to choose to see it this way — then things started to change for the better.”
Chrystiana: “He’s right. When you’re single, especially when you live alone, you plan sex. When you’re married, so many other plans get in the way that you can forget to plan sex. It’s not that you don’t like it, want it, or miss it — it’s just that there is only so much time in the day. Some people frown on a sex schedule; it’s worked great for us. Every Sunday and Wednesday, we have sex, and because it’s on the schedule, the rest of the days give me time to get ready for it, so that it doesn’t just ‘happen’; it’s an event.”
Shellie here: Check out “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex” and “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day.”
2. Benson and Denyse. Married for 16 Years.
GiphyBenson: “We weren’t each other’s first but we did wait until marriage to have sex with each other. We should’ve talked about sex more before marriage because I assumed that we were on the same page — and we weren’t. [My wife] is very affectionate but she can kind of take or leave sex, so that meant that I had to up the foreplay. It’s not that I wasn’t someone who didn’t ‘warm up the engine’ in the past; it’s just that she needs way more than even 30 minutes, so I’ve come up with creative ways to make that happen. That has made her more interested in intercourse which has made sex more consistent over time. Talk about sex prior to jumping brooms. You and your spouse could end up riding some if you don’t!”
Denyse: “I’ve always been more affectionate than sexual, so I have always liked to cuddle, even naked, more than the act of intercourse. What I had to accept is, when you’re married, it’s not just about your preferences and what you want. I think that’s why a lot of folks don’t go the distance: they are selfish and only care about their own needs. You asked about sex, so I’ll stay focused. If you’re like me and you like sex but you love intimacy outside of sex, tap in with your spouse to see what their needs are. My husband is fine having sex a few times a month and so I make sure that he gets it. Sometimes people are in a sexless marriage because they don’t see what their partner wants and their partner doesn’t want to be the one to bring it up all of the time. That’s fair [for them to feel that way]. You need to initiate sexual conversations.”
Shellie here: Check out “These Tips Will Keep Foreplay From Becoming Boring AF (No Pun Intended)” and “Want Your Man To Be Better In Bed? Give Him A Book.”
3. Nassir and Payten. Married for Seven Years.
GiphyNassir: “My wife will probably tell you that it was shaky at first because sex was something that she would use to get me to do things — or not do them. After a while, I got tired of that and I resorted to masturbation because it was less drama to deal with. You don’t want to be the solution, though, because you can easily look up and it’s been weeks without sex. Whatever is wrong, talk about it. Don’t use sex to hint around about other issues.”
Payten: “I hate to admit it but I’m not alone — my girlfriends tell me so. Back when I was single, I used to use sex as a weapon. Not that I don’t like sex — I like it A LOT. I’m saying that when a man would piss me off, I would withhold sex and when you’re married, it can’t work that way. You can’t expect a man to promise you faithfulness and you turn around and not give him any whenever he doesn’t clean the kitchen. It’s childish but it also creates a wedge. During the first 16 months or so of our marriage, I was being a ‘sex brat’ and it was really causing my husband to resent me. Then we went on a marriage retreat where I learned that weaponizing is what I was doing. Now I’ve learned how to communicate my frustration instead of withholding sex. It corrects the issue quicker and it keeps walls from going up in our relationship.”
Shellie here: Check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why.”
4. Vernon and Evelyn. Married for 20 Years.
GiphyVernon: “I think that every couple goes through a sexless period; the red flag is why that’s happening. Is it due to illness or scheduling or is it because there’s a lack of connection in the marriage. Since we’ve been married, we’ve probably gone without sex at least a dozen times but it’s three or four that I can think of that caused us to go to counseling. That’s my advice: figure out why the two of you aren’t having sex and then seek a professional if you need help getting back on track.”
Evelyn: “People talk about menopause when they need to be talking about perimenopause. The last two years before my period stopped, completely, my hormones were all over the place. The bloating made me not feel very attractive, my vagina wasn’t responding like it used to and for a minute there, I thought my orgasms had completely disappeared. He’s right, see a therapist for the emotional stuff but all women should see their doctor to get their hormone levels checked once they enter their mid-40s.”
Shellie here: Check out "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through" and “Sex And Menopause. What You Should Know."
5. Christopher and Jenavieve. Married for Nine Years.
GiphyChristopher: “Sex is what keeps you from seeing your spouse as a roommate — and that’s easy to do if you’re not careful. I’ll let [wife’s first name] tell you how long we went without it one time, but it was a long while. We weren’t mad at each other — we just started to act more like best friends and less like lovers. I don’t talk about this a lot but the few people who do know ask if either of us cheated. I mostly watched porn which creates its own issues. Bottom line, your spouse shouldn’t become ‘just a friend.’ Prioritize sex so that never happens. Your marriage is in some serious trouble if you do.”
Jenavieve: “For about three years of our marriage, we basically went without sex. The worst part about it to me is when I brought it up to some of my girlfriends, they acted like it was no big deal due to not having sex with their husbands either and that just made it easier to keep going. Since we weren’t really fighting and there was still some affection, we let it slide longer than we should have. Eventually, he got into pornography and I had an emotional affair — both are no better than [physically] cheating, in my book and both happened because we weren’t having sex. If you’re married, have sex to protect your marriage.”
Shellie here: Check out “5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It."
6. Paul and Apryl. Married for 11 Years.
GiphyPaul: “I see sexless marriages differently. Even if you’re having sex regularly, if your needs shift or one or both of you aren’t really enjoying it, having sex on a technicality shouldn’t count. There have been a couple of times when we’ve gone sexless because of that. The first time, we didn’t talk about it and that made us both resentful. The second time, my wife brought it up and we talked through it. Never think that what worked on your wedding night or fifth anniversary will work in the moment. People change and sexual needs can too.”
Apryl: “I agree. Does sex count, fully, if body parts come together but no one is really satisfied? After about our seventh year, we started taking sexcations, buying books and listening to podcasts about sex, and, thanks to you, creating bucket lists every year. It can be easy to have a ‘If it worked before, it should work now’ approach to sex when you’re married and that’s what can drive a wedge in between you. Never assume that your partner is satisfied. Ask.”
Shellie here: Check out “8 ‘Kinds Of Sex’ All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation” and “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!”
7. Davis and Ireland. Married for Four Years.
GiphyDavis: “I don’t know how many men read your articles but some of us have wives whose sex drives we totally underestimated. Sh-t, for the first year or so, I felt damn near emasculated because I thought that my drive was high but [my wife] has me all the way beat! For us, while we’ve never really had what you would say is a ‘sexless marriage’, we did have trouble in our sex life because I wasn’t always in the mood when she was and that was bothering her. I know you say that a sexless marriage is sex that’s only 10 times a year, but I think there’s also the kind where your partner needs more than you are giving. Couples need to find compromise with that. It can cause problems later on too.”
Ireland: “If you are like me and you want sex more than your man does, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t mean that something is wrong with either one of you. Society makes us think that all men think about is sex all of the time and that’s just not true. What I had to learn is he’s the one who needs more foreplay and ‘warming up’; his system calls for it. And, when he’s not in the mood, that doesn’t mean that he’s not attracted to me or doesn’t enjoy sex with me when we do have it. Do talk about those things before marriage, though. It totally threw me for a loop at first because we didn’t.”
Shellie here: Check out “If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.,” “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?” and “Fast Or Slow Sex: Which Does Science Say Is Better? (Girrrl...).”
8. Frederick and Dannika. Married for Six Years.
GiphyFrederick: “Go to premarital counseling. If your counselor doesn’t spend a good portion of time talking about sex, find another one. I’ll let my wife take it from here.”
Dannika: “We’ve never told anyone that the first year of our marriage, we barely had sex after our wedding night. Even though we weren’t virgins when we got married, we didn’t have sex with each other and because we were so focused on not doing it, we didn’t talk about sex much because we thought that it would tempt us into doing it. That was a huge mistake because we both had totally different expectations. I’m more of the romance/rom-com kind of sex person and he is, I’ll just say more adventurous. It took us about three years to find a way to meet in the middle.”
Shellie here: Check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner,” “What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex” and “10 Wives Tell Me What They Wish They Knew About 'Married Sex.'”
9. Goran and Kaia. Married for 15 Years.
GiphyGoran: “I travel a lot for work — probably around 35 percent of the time. Then when I’m back home, it’s catch-up time with kids and bills and stuff to do around the house. By the time it’s time for bed, all we want to do is go to sleep. The thing that you have to be careful of is, even if you are ‘too busy for sex,’ if you go without it too long and then the urge hits you, that’s when you can put yourself in some vulnerable positions. About five years into our marriage, we set a precedent that we would never go longer than 10 days without sex, no matter what. It’s one of the best decisions that we ever made.”
Kaia: “My husband traveled a lot before we got married, so I knew what I was getting myself into. What I wasn’t prepared for was getting so much into my own groove while he was gone that he damn near was ‘wrecking my flow’ of things whenever he got back. Sometimes, he would want to have sex immediately and I would need a day to get used to him being back in the [house] space. My primary love language is words of affirmation, so sexting was a type of foreplay that helped to get me ready for his arrival. It’s one of my favorite types of foreplay to this day.”
Shellie here. Check out “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” and “Let's Talk About Sext: 30 Sexts You Can Send To Bae Right Now.”
10. Radford and Orla. Married for 26 Years.
GiphyRadford: “I’ve got enough years in my marriage to tell you that if you have sex for the same reasons as a married person that you did as a single person, not only will you go through sexless moments often, you will probably end up divorced. Sex, in marriage, isn’t just about recreation. Sex is a sacred experience that connects you with your spouse in a way like nothing else. I can say this because years ago, we would have months when we would go without sex. It took maturing about it on a mental, emotional and spiritual level to learn that it’s not just about ‘getting off’; sex is about tapping into your spouse and bonding with them in a potent way that way. Look at sex like that and you will do your damnedest not to end up sexless. Your marriage won’t survive it.”
Orla: “If you’ve heard somewhere that sex gets better with time in a marriage, that’s true. If you had sex before getting married, the first few years of your marriage, you can go in with the same surface mindset about it — have sex, get an orgasm, end of story. Go through some things, see that your husband isn’t going anywhere, and the intimacy of sex goes way deeper and is more satisfying. And when you’re grateful for that kind of love, you want to express it with your husband as much as possible.”
Shellie here: Check out “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important.”
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Author Sheila Wray Gregoire once said, “Sex is not just about me; it’s about me knowing you and building us.” Goodness y’all, if all married couples took this quote literally and seriously, imagine how much less sexless marriages would be an issue.
Are sexless marriages common? Hmph, common enough. Can they be prevented? 8.5 times outta 10, absolutely. These 20 married people provide some wonderful insights into how. I hope you will take their great wisdom to heart — in and out of your bedroom.
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