Before I attempt to explain what I mean by "seasons of sex" as it relates to something that, I personally believe, all married couples experience, let me start off with a bit of advice to any engaged folks (or people who desire to be married someday) who may be peeking in.
Because I'm pretty confident that every husband and wife on the planet will agree that marriage ain't for the weak (not by a looooong shot), I'll begin by saying three things. One, if you suck at forgiving, you will suck at marriage; marriage requires some level of forgiveness on almost a daily basis. Two, if you are considering marrying someone who has no clue what their purpose in life is, it's probably best that you wait; a healthy marriage consists of two people who are able to support one another in their purpose. People who have no clue what their purpose is can actually put a lot of stress and strain on a relationship until they do. And three, it is absolutely imperative that you join your life to someone who understands that, as with nature, marriage has seasons; if they don't know how to embrace and endure that, it's going to be an extremely bumpy and potentially devastating ride.
Are you ready to delve into just what I mean by that?
The Seasons of Marriage
Seasons. If you read up on why we have spring, summer, autumn and winter, the gist is that, as the earth rotates, based on how close we are or aren't to the sun, seasons shift. When it comes to unions like marriage, a really good book for any couple to add to their library is Dr. Gary Chapman's The Four Seasons of Marriage.
According to him, spring is "The excitement of creating a new life together…not exclusively for newlyweds". Summer is when "Life is beautiful and reaping benefits of efforts to understand each other. Spouses share a deep sense of commitment, satisfaction, and security in each other's love". Autumn is when "…marriages look fine externally; outsiders may even comment on how happy the couple seems to be. Yet inside the marriage, things are changing". And winter is "characterized by coldness, harshness, and bitterness. The dreams of spring are covered with layers of ice. Conversations are only about logistics—who will do what and when they will do it. Communication is relegated to silence, arguments, criticism, and, at times, verbal abuse. Lives are lived independently, although under the same roof. This is caused by rigidity: unwillingness to consider the other person's perspective and work towards compromise".
Based on his description, the summer season is great. Problem is, if you're not aware that winter happens too, when winter arrives, you might panic and think you need to end your relationship. Thing is, just like when winter weather rolls around, so long as you are prepared and patient, it tends to pass—whether it's "winter" when it comes to your marriage overall or "winter" as it specifically relates to your sex life. It's all about knowing what typically comes with each "sex season" so that you and your partner can commit to getting through each of them—together.
Spring Sex: The Beginning of Sex, When Things Are Fresh and New
Ah, newlyweds. Ain't they precious? They're so in love that, just being around them makes you want to test your blood sugar levels. And, if they are open enough to share with you what their sex life is like (trust me, many of them are), they basically can't seem to get enough of each other. Sex, on a daily basis, is almost a given, and coitus 2-3 times a day is certainly not inconceivable. It's nothing for them to drop off of the grid on the weekends or to take little trips to small towns to test out random bed and breakfasts. For them, everything is awesome because everything is exciting and new (especially if they waited; a great read is "How Leaping into Bed Harms Relationships"). In their mind, their sex life will always remain just as it is. Why wouldn't it?
Unfortunately, something that a lot of newly married couples don't factor in is their biggest sex organ is their brain. Meaning, a part of the reason why the sex is so bomb is because they are so in sync. No real tests have come yet. There might be little irritations here and there but not anything that's too earth-shattering. The marriage is too new for things like boredom to set in. Plus, just like spring is the season when seeds are planted, they are still figuring out what turns each other on, which makes sex the ultimate adventure.
Summer Sex: When Sexual Satisfaction Is at Its Peak
Summer sex. It's truly the only thing better than spring sex! The reason why it is able to top it is because this is when you and yours have truly mastered what make one another tick. You know each other's spots. You have figured out the guaranteed ways to make each other climax. If there is any room in the house where you feel like you both are totally on the same page, it's the bedroom and, because of that, you can't seem to be able to get enough of each other. No matter what is on the agenda, you are going to make sure you make time for sex because you can't recall the last time that you "engaged" and you were even close to being disappointed. Just like the actual summer season, your summer sex is hot—blazin'! Even during your spring sex, you had absolutely no idea that sex could be so good.
Autumn Sex: This Is When Feelings of Discontentment Creep In
Autumn is an interesting season. The reason why I think that the word "interesting" is appropriate is because the weather is a bit unpredictable. Some days might be unseasonably warm while others might surprise you and be freezing cold. On average, though, while the season is pleasant enough to look at, there is a chill that is low-key uncomfortable. It's like a precursor to something that's a bit more…trying. So is the case with autumn sex. During this season, the sex is not always bad. At the same time, it's not always good either. Sometimes, you can go a couple of weeks without intercourse and not even notice—or worse, without even missing it. Sometimes you'll have it but prefer not to cuddle before or after, or you prefer to cuddle for nights on end without doing anything more than that. You find yourself looking at your partner and, while you're still into them, it's not quite like it used to be. It's not uncommon for the feelings that come during autumn sex to be so subtle that even your partner fails to pick up on them. All I know is that if you don't talk this season out, it can sho' nuf lead to the next season—winter sex.
Winter Sex: Sex Has Waned; Activity Is Virtually Non-Existent
A couple of years ago, I checked out a movie that had winter sex written all over it. It was calledAfternoon Delight and it was about a married couple, with a young son, who had fallen into a serious sexual rut. The wife's therapist alerted her to the fact that marriage without sex is a red flag. In response, the wife did what a lot of spouses tend to do when they are told that—she got defensive. Then she started to do some destructive things…like bring a stripper into her house to serve as "the nanny". It's a fictional occurrence, but the film was written well enough to explain my point. A little one in the house. Fatigue. Not making time to emotionally, let alone physically, connect. Not dating each other. Not making sex a priority (sex shouldn't be seen as a marital luxury; it should be treated as a marital necessity). These are just some of the things that can usher in the winter sex season—a time when there is barely any sex to speak of. When it comes to the health and happiness of your relationship, it tends to potentially do the most damage. The thing to keep in mind is, like all seasons, even this one shall pass.
What to Remember About Your Seasons of Sex
How many of y'all remember the 80s pop group Exposé and their hit "Seasons Change"? Just like it's unavoidable that the planet's relationship to the sun will cause seasons to transition in and out, in many ways, the same point applies to married couples and their relationship; their sex life is no exception. And how can I be so sure that, just as spring sex comes and goes, so does winter sex and vice versa? It's actually due to a quote by a cartoonist by the name of Richard J. Needham who once said something extremely insightful and profound—"You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being." Personally, this is why I think Scripture doesn't say that once two people are married that they are one; it says that they become one (Genesis 2:24-25).
Marriage is the process of constantly learning how to become "one" with your partner throughout life's transitions, and you and your spouse's changes. The ones who truly understand this have a far greater chance of, not only surviving, but thriving as a married couple—and handling the shifts in their intimacy.
Know what else? They have a much greater chance of not being the kind of couple who stays "stuck" in winter (a sexless marriage) for years on end. They take note of what's going on (and what's not going on), then they put forth the effort to address the matter so that they are able to reconnect. As they continue to evolve and become different versions of themselves, that is what can bring them back and spring (a newness of sex), to summer (hot 'n heavy sex), and provide them with the ways to proactively work through autumn (the ho-hum times) and not make reckless decisions like engage in an affair or abandon the marriage altogether during the winter.
Just imagine how many marital unions could remain intact if more couples saw their intimate life from this perspective. No matter what weather season you love and which one you hate, you adjust, right? You don't end your life, just because there is a season that you aren't particularly fond of; you prepare for it and endure. More couples should avoid the thought of ending their marriage just because late fall or winter has arrived as far as their sex life is concerned. In a similar manner, they should prepare and endure. Another baby is coming? Prepare and endure. Someone is about to lose their job? Prepare and endure. Health issues are on the horizon? Prepare and endure. Do this and the season won't last always. Seasons are never designed to. What you can know, without question, is they are so much easier to get through when you're committed to going through them together. Whether it's the weather or the…seasons of sex.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex
10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life
7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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When I think about Beyoncé and her music, there’s no question that she is the reigning Queen of Pop (if you disagree, argue wit yo mama). However, for me, and other Beyoncé fans alike, the love for the icon’s music goes far beyond that title, the accolades, and the global reach it brings. It’s the passion, the relentless drive that undercuts her strive to push past previous iterations of herself as an artist, her dedication to curating classic bodies of work that rival meme-able earworms on today’s music charts, and the “That Girl” energy she can’t help but emit in everything she touches.
I don’t care what anyone says, there is an innate confidence that washes over you the instant you play a Beyoncé song.
Whether you’re channeling your female rage ("Don't Hurt Yourself"), celebrating the unapologetic love of your Blackness ("BLACK PARADE"), kissing the scars from a cruel world that sought to turn you cold ("MY POWER"), twerking just because ("ENERGY"), making love to the person in your world who makes you see stars ("Rocket"), conveying the love you have as a mother to your daughter ("PROTECTOR"), learning to forgive who you once were in the face of love ("Resentment"), or you just want to feel yourself ("Diva") - Beyoncé has quite literally has a song to bless your eardrums and your spirit with.
No matter the track, you feel her and whatever the vocalist is trying to convey. Full stop. Even if her sonic explorations into the forays of country, Afrobeats, disco, house, trap, pop, and R&B still have you puzzled about why girls love Beyoncé, put some respect on her name today and every day.
In honor of Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter’s 43rd lap around the sun, some members of the xoNecole team take a beat to show love to a woman whose love for music has touched something within us all.
An introduction to Bey:
"I was in my early teens when I knew I loved Destiny's Child, but my favorites back then were LeToya (Luckett) and Kelly (Rowland). I could relate to their unique style and sassiness the most at that age. (I had the Kelly haircut back then and rocked it to my prom). After Beyoncé went solo in 2003, it wasn't until the Dangerously in Love album that I'd truly fall in love with her voice and artistry. I had the CD and played it until it would skip due to the scratches from it being on repeat too much.
"The cover reminded me of one of my favorite icons, Diana Ross, and when it debuted, that was a time of heartbreak for me. I really needed songs like 'Me, Myself and I,' 'Gift From Virgo,' and 'Signs' (with one of my all-time faves, Missy Elliott). The harmonies, the riffs, and the videos were everything. It's still my favorite album of hers to date."
What Beyoncé's music means to her:
"For me, Beyoncé's musical journey represents an empowered one of progression and self-actualization. I've been around since the days of Girls Tyme, so I saw her go from kiddie on the come-up, to playing the background with that big voice as part of Destiny's Child, to the powerhouse actress, entrepreneur, culture-shifter, mom, and global iconic brand she is today. She has really unapologetically grown into her womanhood and unique God-given purpose---both via the music and in the bits of her personal life she shares---right in front of us.
"She seems to be savvy in owning her narrative and not letting anybody tell her who she is, even as a multimillion-dollar brand with a lot at stake. That's revolutionary. I like that she uses her celebrity to do good---though it can get a bit contentious and dangerous due to the machine that is the superfan element among her fan base. Overall, for me, she represents what can be manifested through resilient hard work, full expression and development of self, strategy, and Black excellence."
Her Beyoncé Big Three:
1. "Drunk in Love"
"Drunk In Love," from Beyoncé:
"In mid-December 2013, Beyoncé surprised everyone with a striking and provocative social media marketing campaign for the album. The campaign was ahead of its time and has become a 'norm' nowadays, but she and her team were pioneers, of sorts. My 'drunk in love' early-January birthday weekend the following year included a beach, a few casinos, and more than a few wild public 'surfboard' nights with my guy at the time, a Brooklyn dude who I still chuckle about whenever I hear the song today.
"The DJs were still playing it on repeat around that time, and the song would shut the clubs down, especially if you'd had one too many glasses of Nuvo (remember that pink sparkling liqueur?! Ha!), D'usse, Dom, or that Hpnotiq-Henny combo. There are probably many saucy-sex babies conceived off of this song."
2. "BREAK MY SOUL"
"Break My Soul" from Renaissance:
"I adore that this powerfully liberating song features Big Freedia and a bounce culture I've loved for years. I also love the empowering lyrics, especially in these post-pandemic days where it just seems like everyone is stressed out, embracing doom mentalities, and forgetting that life is indeed a privilege and we should be empowered by that God-given privilege to take charge of our own joy, build our own tables, and go for our dreams in a way that is radically courageous and hopeful.
"She sings, 'I'm looking for motivation, and I'm on that new vibration. I'm building my own foundation,' while Big Freedia repeats 'Release ya anger, release ya mind... release ya love, forget the rest.'"
3. "Me, Myself and I"
"Me, Myself and I" from Dangerously in Love:
"I'd always lean on this song in hard times, especially when I felt very alone. I'd replace the word 'I' with 'God' and it really got me through some dark times in my life. The simple but self-affirming lyrics and her bold voice on this track make it an all-time winner for me that's timeless."
THE Beyoncé that changed everything:
"B'Day, her second solo album, is a soundtrack of life-changing memories for me. It was released the summer of 2006, and at that time, I'd just officially moved to New York full-time to advance my career after working at a small New York Times Co. publication in the South. I'd moved to New York with only my car and clothes and didn't really have a confirmed job at the time. A former friend's mom let me sleep on a blow-up bed in a tiny guest room that she was using for storage at the time, and by God's grace and the recommendations of a mentor, I actually landed a job at The New York Times shortly after.
"I started making a nice amount of money after that and would blow it on bottle service, parking tickets, and clothes! Ha! It was an exciting time both for New York entertainment and media culture, and for my personal life as a 20-something living and working there. That whole album features songs associated with my first New York City job, spending many of my after-work hours at rooftop parties, industry events, on dates in bars and over-indulging in VIP sections at Meatpacking District clubs, my first big-girl post-college situationships, my relocations all over New York (from the Bronx to Harlem, and finally to Brooklyn), and the new groups of friends I made that were a mix of born-and-raised New Yorkers and transplants."
What Beyoncé's journey has taught her:
"I think that Beyoncé's journey just inspires me to keep taking every day, one by one, to thrive in my lane, to unapologetically hold dear things private, and to mature more into fulfilling God's purpose for my adult life. I think her journey---the bit that she has shown us publicly--is simply empowerment in using whatever talent you have to fulfill the ultimate parameters of purpose in whatever multifaceted ways you can. Live life with boldness and purpose."
Chantal Gainous
Client Services & Campaign Manager, xoNecole
An introduction to Bey:
"I was definitely there from the start. Destiny's Child's 'Survivor' running on MTV/VH1 every morning before school was definitely a huge moment for me. It was 6 a.m. and I was trying to nail down those moves! She was 'that girl' then and she's still 'that girl' now."
What Beyoncé's music means to her:
"It's a direct result of hard work. Every body of work she has gifted us with is laced with inspiration and motivation. Whenever I'm trying to hype myself up - I think of what Beyoncé album could get me there."
Her Beyoncé Big Three:
1. "Smash Into You"
"Smash Into You" from I Am... Sasha Fierce:
"We still don't give I Am... Sasha Fierce enough credit!"
2. "Upgrade U"
"Upgrade U" from B'Day:
"A classic!"
3. "ALIEN SUPERSTAR"
"ALIEN SUPERSTAR" from Renaissance:
"THE ONLY ONE!"
"It would have to be Beyoncé self-titled [Beyoncé]. I always find myself going back to that album - it motivated me to get work done, it's helped pick me off the floor when I'm in a puddle of tears, I sing it with my girlfriends - there's a song for every moment of life on that album."
What Beyoncé's journey has taught her:
"Never think there isn't a new part of yourself you can't explore."
London Whitson
Contributing Editor, xoNecole
Her introduction to Bey:
"I was first introduced to Beyoncé when she was in Destiny's Child. My first memory of her was through their song 'No, No, No Pt. 2,' which I would listen to all the time."
What Beyoncé's music means to her:
"Beyoncé is such a powerful figure in music and also as a woman. She is a great representation of everything we can be: powerful, sexy, beautiful, smart, creative, and more."
Her Beyoncé Big Three:
1. "Drunk in Love"
"Drunk in Love," from Beyoncé:
"'Drunk in Love' is such a fun, sexy song and arguably one of her best songs."
2. "I Care"
"I Care," from 4:
"'I Care,' especially the Homecoming: The Live version is such a beautiful and emotional song that always gives me all the feels."
3. "Dangerously in Love 2"
"Dangerously in Love 2" from Dangerously in Love:
"'Dangerously in Love 2'" is a Beyoncé classic, so I had to include it."
THE Beyoncé album that changed everything:
"I will have to say B'Day was the album that did it for me. I've always felt like that era was quintessential Beyoncé, and it was the soundtrack to my 10th grade."
What Beyonce's journey has taught her:
"A lesson I've learned from Beyoncé is that we are unstoppable, limitless, and can create all that we can imagine."
An introduction to Bey:
"Definitely Destiny's Child. From the vocals to her center position to the signature blonde hair, I was just entranced with her from minute one. The first album I ever heard by them was The Writing's on the Wall and I was a fan from that point on. As kids in summer camp, my friends and I even did a performance where we created choreography for 'Say My Name.' I was Kelly (Rowland). I think I was 10 or 11. I have been a self-proclaimed Beyoncé enthusiast ever since."
What Beyoncé's music means to her:
"Oh, wow. The layers. I can tap into my most powerful self whenever I listen to Beyonce. Her music has been transformative for me in many ways. I have been able to literally grow with her over the years and it has been beautiful to see her growth as an artist. I've seen her become more sure of herself, her become more herself with each album, and I feel that in her music and what she chooses to say in her projects. Her music acts as an anthem for me and the multifaceted woman I want to be, but also the fullness of who I want to be.
"She transports me into different emotions, and when I am not feeling like myself, I turn something of hers on and am instantly reminded of this personal power that is always accessible to me at my fingertips. I can be so many things. I can do so many things. Her music reminds me of the magic of living and loving loudly for its highs and its lows. Different albums of hers have acted as soundtracks of different seasons of my life."
Her Beyoncé Big Three:
1. "FIND YOUR WAY BACK"
"FIND YOUR WAY BACK" from The Lion King: The Gift:
"Y'all, if there is one Beyoncé song that has seen its fair share of replay, it's 'FIND YOUR WAY BACK.' The message that resounds for me is that you are never lost, even when you think you are, you are finding your way, and because you're finding your way, you are where you're supposed to be. I know it's about Simba and The Lion King, and more specifically Black Is King, but how could that message not find me?
"Whenever I am in a state of overwhelm or uncertainty, or having a bad day and I feel like, 'Where do I begin?' Turning on this song, swaying my hips, and singing this song like a mantra feels like I'm grounded again. It puts me back into my body, and back into a state of knowing that I'll always find my way."
2. "Love Drought"
"Love Drought" from LEMONADE:
"Those first few seconds get me every single time. It's such a dreamy and airy listen. Honestly, the song as a whole reminds me of how delicate of a thing vulnerability is but also how powerful. To me, the song is about a relationship on the rocks and she is trying to bend without breaking while her lover does the same. She pleads for them to help her end the 'love drought' so that their love can heal.
"'All the loving I've been giving goes unnoticed, it's just floating in the air,' the lyrics are so beautiful in their simplicity but are somehow able to capture so much. Her vocal choices in the song makes them hit that much more. This song is one of my all-time favorites by her."
3. "FLAMENCO"
"FLAMENCO" from COWBOY CARTER:
"The harmonies! From the very start, the harmonies that start the song off pull you in. I loved a lot about COWBOY CARTER but by the time I got to this track, it was just something special about how haunting it sounds. I had to stop whatever I was doing to allow myself to fully take it in. I am not sure of its meaning, but I think it is a song about the sometimes heavy yet always ephemeral nature of life. This lyric 'I hope that God knows that I'm in need of help right now' feels like a call to that fact.
"And when she goes off at the end with her runs? The melody, the lyricism, I was blown away and continue to be whenever I hear it. At one minute, 40 seconds, it feels criminally short, but I also think that's what's really sweet about this listen."
THE Beyoncé album that changed everything:
"4. As far as I'm concerned, 4 is one of Beyoncé's most slept-on albums to date, but that's okay because I love it. I think this album shifted how I felt about her as an artist. Even though I loved her singles as a solo artist for years predating 4, I never revisited them to listen from beginning to end like I did with this one. I know we had 'Love On Top' and 'Countdown,' but there are truly so many gems like 'I Care,' 'I Miss You' and one of my all-time Beyoncé favorites, 'End of Time.'
"It grew my appreciation for her as an album artist. I love that she had a certain vision for an R&B album and she stuck to it. I feel like I've seen her dedication to crafting bodies of work as a throughline in much of her later work but 4 was that introduction for me. Also, if you haven't seen her perform this while pregnant with baby Blue at her Live at Roseland: Elements of 4 concert, you haven't lived."
What Beyoncé's journey has taught her:
"Don't let other people's comfort level dictate the life you see for yourself. If you can see it, you can be it. Sometimes even if you can't see it, you can be it. Dare to take up space as a Black woman and as a creative. Dare to be more yourself."
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