A couple of weeks ago, I got into a semi-debate about Black women and long hair. You know, it really does amaze (and also annoy) me that so many of our own people are so ignorant to the fact that long natural hair isn’t unattainable within our community.
For instance, while so many believe that hair past the shoulders, bra straps, or even down to the butt is only genetically possible, the fact is that genetics play a role in how fast someone’s hair grows and what kind of texture it is (as far as figuring out which hair routine works best for someone). However, so long as one can grow a healthy head of hair and they are able to retain length, anyone can have long hair. And anyone who doesn’t believe me should go to YouTube, put “4-type long hair” in the search field, and watch their minds be completely blown.
For me, as I’m on my own natural hair growth journey (I really need to learn to put my shears down; knowing how to cut your own hair really is a blessing and a “curse”), making sure that my ends are properly nurtured has honestly been my biggest challenge — it’s also why my hair sometimes plateaus.
I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, though. For now, let me just intro this by saying that if you are ready to get some more length as far as your own hair is concerned and you can’t seem to figure out how to do it, here are 10 tips for how to keep your ends in great shape…so that, in time, you can indeed achieve your length retention goals.
1. Eat Zinc-Enriched Foods
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If you’ve got asthma and it seems to be getting worse, lately you’ve been catching colds more than usual, you’ve been having trouble concentrating at work, your sex life seems to be in a rut, or you’ve been experiencing the runs, you could need to add a boost of zinc into your diet. That’s because all of these things are actually symptomatic of a zinc deficiency.
Know what else is? Hair loss (especially alopecia areata). On the flip side, when you take a zinc supplement or consume foods that are rich in zinc, this nutrient helps to develop your hair’s cells and strengthen your hair follicles; it can even help restore your locks’ natural color. And so, since your ends are the oldest and weakest parts of your hair, yes — do those bad boys a favor by eating foods like chickpeas, lamb, pumpkin seeds, chicken, spinach, mushrooms, almonds, eggs, avocados, and oysters.
2. Take a Vitamin C Supplement
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Speaking of nutrients that are good for you, vitamin C tops the list when it comes to, well, just about everything. The backstory is it helps to shield your system from free radicals that can lead to illness. Plus, it’s loaded with antioxidants that can help to improve your memory, prevent an iron deficiency, and keep your blood pressure levels right where they need to be.
Since vitamin C also helps your body to produce collagen, and collagen is a protein that your hair needs in order to remain healthy and strong, it would make all of the sense in the world that you should take a vitamin C supplement, too. As a bonus, collagen also slows down premature graying.
So, if you’ve been damaging your ends by covering up your silver strands with permanent hair color, ramping up your vitamin C intake could be what will free you from going that route (that and using a semi- or demi-permanent hair color option instead).
3. Dust Your Ends Every Wash Day
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You’ve probably heard somewhere that it’s a good idea to trim your ends every 6-8 weeks. Personally, as I’m learning more about my hair and what it needs, I think it’s wiser to prepare your mind to dust some of your ends every wash day, especially if you want to keep your ends under control. I am a big fan of dusting because 1) you can do it yourself from the comfort and convenience of your own home, 2) it’s not as drastic as a trim, and 3) it can help to keep split ends (all six kinds of them) at bay. Just make sure that you take your time, that you use a sharp pair of hair shears, and you only cut what needs to be removed — like ends that long split and fairy knots.
4. Detangle (As Much As Possible) with Your Fingers
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Black hair tends to be drier (because the natural sebum from our scalp doesn’t always get to fully saturate our curls from our scalp to our ends), so this tip needs a bit of flexibility. What I’m referring to is a lot of hairstylists say that if you can “hear your hair” while you’re combing or brushing through it, that means you are applying too much pressure, and that can lead to damage and breakage. One workaround is to use a detangling brush, or you can detangle (and oftentimes even style) your hair with your fingers.
Fingers are good because you can feel your way around any tangles or knots so that you can gauge how gentle you should be with your locks. This can be helpful since, sometimes, with a brush or comb, you don’t realize where tangles (and knots) are until the tool has already ripped through your hair. Literally.
5. Do Some Hair Steaming
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It can’t be said enough that the ends of your hair are the most fragile. This means that they require the most moisture and the most concentrated amount of hair product if you want them to have some serious elasticity (which also reduces breakage). Something that can help to achieve both of these goals is steaming your hair. In fact, hair steaming is especially bomb if you tend to wear your hair in natural hairstyles and you want to refresh your hair without soaking it with water, or you want to enhance your natural curl pattern without a lot of styling effort. Another awesome thing about steaming is it works great on your tresses when the weather is extreme (extremely hot or cold).
Many salons offer hair steaming as an option these days. Or, if you’d prefer to maintain your hair this way at home, there are plenty of handheld steamers that are on the market. One list of solid hair steamers for natural hair can be found here.
6. Invest in a Bond Builder
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Boy, had I known that there was such a thing as a bond builder for my hair, I’d have locks that are a helluva lot longer than the ones I currently have, that’s for sure.
If you’re not familiar with what a bond builder is or does, it’s basically a hair product that helps to repair the cuticles of your hair by adding a concentrated amount of protein to it. I’ve personally been using Marc Anthony’s Repairing Leave-In Treatment for most of this year, and not only do I immediately feel a difference in my hair, my ends are stronger and don’t break off nearly as much either.
Without question, it’s been my favorite “new hair thing” for 2023. Anyway, if you’d like to check out some other bond building options, CNN has some options here, Allure has other options here, and Vogue also has some options here.
7. Be Intentional About Reducing Frizz
When it comes to achieving your personal hair goals, it’s important to know what kind of porosity you have. All of this is its own article, yet the shorthand is high porosity has cuticles that are kind of flared up and open, normal porosity is smooth and slightly open, and low porosity is damn near sealed shut. This means that high porosity absorbs moisture the fastest and loses it the quickest, normal porosity is low-drama (on the moisture tip), and low porosity makes it difficult to take moisture in.
While keeping all of that in mind, hair frizz is what happens when your tresses don’t receive enough moisture, which can cause your cuticles to not be smooth. This means that when you’re trying to style your hair, the frizz that you’re noticing could result in breakage because your cuticle may be too fragile for the kind of styling that you’re doing. That’s why it’s important to keep frizzing down to a minimum, too.
You can do this by keeping your hair (especially your ends) moisturized, avoiding styling products that contain drying products like sulfates or alcohol, sleeping on silk or satin (as far as your headwraps and pillowcases are concerned) and being extremely careful when it comes to color treatments. When it comes to permanent hair color (especially if it contains ammonia), very few things are more drying — which ultimately means more damaging.
(Two hairdye tips: Always deep condition your hair on wash days if your hair is color-treated, and only focus on the roots when doing color retouches. Your ends don’t need the same amount of color; it’s already dyed…remember?)
8. Never Just Accept "Hair Growth Plateaus"
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Has it seemed like your hair has been the same length for at least a couple of years now? If that is indeed the case, please don’t settle for another ridiculous-yet-popular myth that some hair just “stops” at a certain point. Again, so long as your hair is growing, it can get longer.
The reason why your hair growth seems stuck or stagnant is that something is transpiring that’s resulting in your hair breaking off (or you cutting it off) basically as fast as it grows. A poor diet can cause this. Too much heat on your hair can cause this. Raggedy ends can cause this (if your hair feels rough at the ends, it usually means that they are either dry or split). Not properly and consistently nurturing your scalp can cause this (check out “10 Things Your Scalp Has BEEN Waiting For You To Do”). Cutting your hair too often can do this. Not studying your hair can do this.
As far as the last point, a YouTuber who I thoroughly enjoy is Seun Okim (her hair is so long and healthy; I adore it!). She literally breaks hair growth down to a user-friendly science. So, when you get a chance, check out her posts “The TOP MISTAKES You Do That Cause Your BREAKAGE.” and “The Truth About Why Your Hair Won't Grow Past a Certain Length & How to Fix It.” You’ll be oh so very glad that you did.
9. Keep Metal (Accessories) Out of Your Hair
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While this one should be common sense, you know what they say: common sense ain’t so common. For instance, I’ll raise my hand in this class and say that it’s kind of wild that some of the hair clips that I use to style my hair are made out of metal. And yes, especially when my hair is wet, sometimes they do cause snagging, and snagging can lead to breakage. In fact, any hair accessory that has metal in it can do this — so be super aware of this fact while you’re out here getting hair clips, barrettes, and even headbands that have the “teeth” in them.
(As far as the hair clips for styling go, plastic duckbills can get the job done. Some inexpensive ones can be found here.)
10. Apply Leave-In Conditioner to Your Ends Every Other Night
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Your ends have spent the most time with you (as far as your hair is concerned) which means they require the most TLC. Although I make sure to apply a leave-in conditioner on wash days, I also make it a point to apply some to my ends on the nights when I am braiding my hair up (to keep it stretched out without any heat) — and boy, has it been a length retainer!
Since leave-ins are designed to add moisture to the hair without weighing it down, so long as you use them sparingly and only on your ends when they feel on the drier side, you can feel confident that your ends are stronger, well-hydrated and better prepared for the styling ideas that you have in mind — especially if you “seal” the conditioner with a bit of shea butter or a carrier oil like rosemary or grapeseed (butters and oils can help the conditioner to last longer). So, definitely take this final tip to heart. I honestly can’t say enough good things about it.
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I ain’t go no lies for you: growing out your hair can teach you a lot about patience, self-control, and yourself overall. Yet I promise you that if you prioritize your ends, you will see some progress. Maybe not when you want it yet…right when you least expect it.
Love on them bad boys…watch how your entire head flourishes once you do!
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Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
GiphyI promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
GiphySomeone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
GiphyI ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
GiphySeveral years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
GiphyLast one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
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I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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