

Your Ends Are How You Get Length. 10 Things They Desperately Need.
A couple of weeks ago, I got into a semi-debate about Black women and long hair. You know, it really does amaze (and also annoy) me that so many of our own people are so ignorant to the fact that long natural hair isn’t unattainable within our community.
For instance, while so many believe that hair past the shoulders, bra straps, or even down to the butt is only genetically possible, the fact is that genetics play a role in how fast someone’s hair grows and what kind of texture it is (as far as figuring out which hair routine works best for someone). However, so long as one can grow a healthy head of hair and they are able to retain length, anyone can have long hair. And anyone who doesn’t believe me should go to YouTube, put “4-type long hair” in the search field, and watch their minds be completely blown.
For me, as I’m on my own natural hair growth journey (I really need to learn to put my shears down; knowing how to cut your own hair really is a blessing and a “curse”), making sure that my ends are properly nurtured has honestly been my biggest challenge — it’s also why my hair sometimes plateaus.
I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, though. For now, let me just intro this by saying that if you are ready to get some more length as far as your own hair is concerned and you can’t seem to figure out how to do it, here are 10 tips for how to keep your ends in great shape…so that, in time, you can indeed achieve your length retention goals.
1. Eat Zinc-Enriched Foods
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If you’ve got asthma and it seems to be getting worse, lately you’ve been catching colds more than usual, you’ve been having trouble concentrating at work, your sex life seems to be in a rut, or you’ve been experiencing the runs, you could need to add a boost of zinc into your diet. That’s because all of these things are actually symptomatic of a zinc deficiency.
Know what else is? Hair loss (especially alopecia areata). On the flip side, when you take a zinc supplement or consume foods that are rich in zinc, this nutrient helps to develop your hair’s cells and strengthen your hair follicles; it can even help restore your locks’ natural color. And so, since your ends are the oldest and weakest parts of your hair, yes — do those bad boys a favor by eating foods like chickpeas, lamb, pumpkin seeds, chicken, spinach, mushrooms, almonds, eggs, avocados, and oysters.
2. Take a Vitamin C Supplement
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Speaking of nutrients that are good for you, vitamin C tops the list when it comes to, well, just about everything. The backstory is it helps to shield your system from free radicals that can lead to illness. Plus, it’s loaded with antioxidants that can help to improve your memory, prevent an iron deficiency, and keep your blood pressure levels right where they need to be.
Since vitamin C also helps your body to produce collagen, and collagen is a protein that your hair needs in order to remain healthy and strong, it would make all of the sense in the world that you should take a vitamin C supplement, too. As a bonus, collagen also slows down premature graying.
So, if you’ve been damaging your ends by covering up your silver strands with permanent hair color, ramping up your vitamin C intake could be what will free you from going that route (that and using a semi- or demi-permanent hair color option instead).
3. Dust Your Ends Every Wash Day
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You’ve probably heard somewhere that it’s a good idea to trim your ends every 6-8 weeks. Personally, as I’m learning more about my hair and what it needs, I think it’s wiser to prepare your mind to dust some of your ends every wash day, especially if you want to keep your ends under control. I am a big fan of dusting because 1) you can do it yourself from the comfort and convenience of your own home, 2) it’s not as drastic as a trim, and 3) it can help to keep split ends (all six kinds of them) at bay. Just make sure that you take your time, that you use a sharp pair of hair shears, and you only cut what needs to be removed — like ends that long split and fairy knots.
4. Detangle (As Much As Possible) with Your Fingers
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Black hair tends to be drier (because the natural sebum from our scalp doesn’t always get to fully saturate our curls from our scalp to our ends), so this tip needs a bit of flexibility. What I’m referring to is a lot of hairstylists say that if you can “hear your hair” while you’re combing or brushing through it, that means you are applying too much pressure, and that can lead to damage and breakage. One workaround is to use a detangling brush, or you can detangle (and oftentimes even style) your hair with your fingers.
Fingers are good because you can feel your way around any tangles or knots so that you can gauge how gentle you should be with your locks. This can be helpful since, sometimes, with a brush or comb, you don’t realize where tangles (and knots) are until the tool has already ripped through your hair. Literally.
5. Do Some Hair Steaming
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It can’t be said enough that the ends of your hair are the most fragile. This means that they require the most moisture and the most concentrated amount of hair product if you want them to have some serious elasticity (which also reduces breakage). Something that can help to achieve both of these goals is steaming your hair. In fact, hair steaming is especially bomb if you tend to wear your hair in natural hairstyles and you want to refresh your hair without soaking it with water, or you want to enhance your natural curl pattern without a lot of styling effort. Another awesome thing about steaming is it works great on your tresses when the weather is extreme (extremely hot or cold).
Many salons offer hair steaming as an option these days. Or, if you’d prefer to maintain your hair this way at home, there are plenty of handheld steamers that are on the market. One list of solid hair steamers for natural hair can be found here.
6. Invest in a Bond Builder
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Boy, had I known that there was such a thing as a bond builder for my hair, I’d have locks that are a helluva lot longer than the ones I currently have, that’s for sure.
If you’re not familiar with what a bond builder is or does, it’s basically a hair product that helps to repair the cuticles of your hair by adding a concentrated amount of protein to it. I’ve personally been using Marc Anthony’s Repairing Leave-In Treatment for most of this year, and not only do I immediately feel a difference in my hair, my ends are stronger and don’t break off nearly as much either.
Without question, it’s been my favorite “new hair thing” for 2023. Anyway, if you’d like to check out some other bond building options, CNN has some options here, Allure has other options here, and Vogue also has some options here.
7. Be Intentional About Reducing Frizz
When it comes to achieving your personal hair goals, it’s important to know what kind of porosity you have. All of this is its own article, yet the shorthand is high porosity has cuticles that are kind of flared up and open, normal porosity is smooth and slightly open, and low porosity is damn near sealed shut. This means that high porosity absorbs moisture the fastest and loses it the quickest, normal porosity is low-drama (on the moisture tip), and low porosity makes it difficult to take moisture in.
While keeping all of that in mind, hair frizz is what happens when your tresses don’t receive enough moisture, which can cause your cuticles to not be smooth. This means that when you’re trying to style your hair, the frizz that you’re noticing could result in breakage because your cuticle may be too fragile for the kind of styling that you’re doing. That’s why it’s important to keep frizzing down to a minimum, too.
You can do this by keeping your hair (especially your ends) moisturized, avoiding styling products that contain drying products like sulfates or alcohol, sleeping on silk or satin (as far as your headwraps and pillowcases are concerned) and being extremely careful when it comes to color treatments. When it comes to permanent hair color (especially if it contains ammonia), very few things are more drying — which ultimately means more damaging.
(Two hair dye tips: Always deep condition your hair on wash days if your hair is color-treated, and only focus on the roots when doing color retouches. Your ends don’t need the same amount of color; it’s already dyed…remember?)
8. Never Just Accept "Hair Growth Plateaus"
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Has it seemed like your hair has been the same length for at least a couple of years now? If that is indeed the case, please don’t settle for another ridiculous-yet-popular myth that some hair just “stops” at a certain point. Again, so long as your hair is growing, it can get longer.
The reason why your hair growth seems stuck or stagnant is that something is transpiring that’s resulting in your hair breaking off (or you cutting it off) basically as fast as it grows. A poor diet can cause this. Too much heat on your hair can cause this. Raggedy ends can cause this (if your hair feels rough at the ends, it usually means that they are either dry or split). Not properly and consistently nurturing your scalp can cause this (check out “10 Things Your Scalp Has BEEN Waiting For You To Do”). Cutting your hair too often can do this. Not studying your hair can do this.
As far as the last point, a YouTuber who I thoroughly enjoy is Seun Okim (her hair is so long and healthy; I adore it!). She literally breaks hair growth down to a user-friendly science. So, when you get a chance, check out her posts “The TOP MISTAKES You Do That Cause Your BREAKAGE.” and “The Truth About Why Your Hair Won't Grow Past a Certain Length & How to Fix It.” You’ll be oh so very glad that you did.
9. Keep Metal (Accessories) Out of Your Hair
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While this one should be common sense, you know what they say: common sense ain’t so common. For instance, I’ll raise my hand in this class and say that it’s kind of wild that some of the hair clips that I use to style my hair are made out of metal. And yes, especially when my hair is wet, sometimes they do cause snagging, and snagging can lead to breakage. In fact, any hair accessory that has metal in it can do this — so be super aware of this fact while you’re out here getting hair clips, barrettes, and even headbands that have the “teeth” in them.
(As far as the hair clips for styling go, plastic duckbills can get the job done. Some inexpensive ones can be found here.)
10. Apply Leave-In Conditioner to Your Ends Every Other Night
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Your ends have spent the most time with you (as far as your hair is concerned) which means they require the most TLC. Although I make sure to apply a leave-in conditioner on wash days, I also make it a point to apply some to my ends on the nights when I am braiding my hair up (to keep it stretched out without any heat) — and boy, has it been a length retainer!
Since leave-ins are designed to add moisture to the hair without weighing it down, so long as you use them sparingly and only on your ends when they feel on the drier side, you can feel confident that your ends are stronger, well-hydrated and better prepared for the styling ideas that you have in mind — especially if you “seal” the conditioner with a bit of shea butter or a carrier oil like rosemary or grapeseed (butters and oils can help the conditioner to last longer). So, definitely take this final tip to heart. I honestly can’t say enough good things about it.
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I ain’t go no lies for you: growing out your hair can teach you a lot about patience, self-control, and yourself overall. Yet I promise you that if you prioritize your ends, you will see some progress. Maybe not when you want it yet…right when you least expect it.
Love on them bad boys…watch how your entire head flourishes once you do!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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A dead bedroom can kill any relationship. In all long-term, committed relationships, couples experience various phases, from the initial passion to a more complex and enduring connection. Yet, as time passes, sex may decrease, which introduces an issue often referred to as "bed death."
According to Advance Psychology Partners, 'bed death' occurs when individuals in a committed relationship experience a decline in the frequency of sexual activity and fall short of the desires of both or either partner. It is sometimes labeled a "sexless relationship" due to the infrequency of sex. In the U.S., an estimated 20 million people find themselves in such relationships.
This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
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"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
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While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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