

This Is Your Summertime Protective Style Cheat Sheet
Just like clockwork, I’m starting to see social media posts and television commercials about the fact that summer is almost over. I guess it’s because school is about to be back in session; however, the actual summer season couldn’t care less about that. What I mean is, no matter what year it is, summer technically does not roll into fall until sometime between September 21st-24th of every year. This year, it’s on the 23rd, which means we have several more weeks to learn more about what we can do to preserve our God-given beauty while the sun is still blazin’ and the days are still extra long.
And since a lot of us tend to lean into protective styles (especially with the kind of heat that this summer has been completely showing out with!), I thought it would be a smart move to offer up some tips on things that you can do to get the most out of your preferred protective style look until it gets into my favorite time of the year — autumn.
Personally, I think this is the ideal time to share these 15 suggestions…being that you’ve got about as long as a set of box braids should be in your hair before cooler weather comes around (some of y’all will catch that later). Timing is indeed everything, chile.
1. Cleanse Your Scalp
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Please, when you get a chance, check out “Treat Your Scalp To A Little Bit Of Detoxing This Weekend.” Between product build-up, sweat, and dead skin cells that are forever dropping, it’s amazing that a lot of us don’t experience more scalp itchiness and irritation than we already do. Not to mention the fact that many of us also don’t nourish our scalp enough, so we mistake dandruff for what is actually a dry scalp (also check out “Stop Scratching: The Differences Between Dandruff And Dry Scalp”).
Thanks to protective styles like box braids and hair twists, all of those parts in our hair tend to expose our scalp to the sun a lot more than usual. Thoroughly cleansing your scalp with a scalp scrub on wash day, carrying a spritz to treat the scalp in between wash times (more on that in a bit), and also adding some plum oil to pamper your scalp (plum oil is everything, y’all — great for soothing the scalp after chemically processing it and restoring dry and brittle ends) will make all of the difference in the world.
2. Use a Clarifying Shampoo
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Speaking of sweat and build-up, although you shouldn’t apply this tip every time that you shampoo your hair, definitely use a clarifying shampoo after taking a protective style down (especially if it’s been up for 6-8 weeks straight). A lot of gunk can collect in your hair when you haven’t been doing much (to your hair) other than getting up and heading out for weeks on end. A clarifying shampoo is specifically designed to remove all of the stuff that isn’t good for your strands long-term. As far as shampoo brands go, Cosmopolitan did you a solid by offering some great suggestions: "23 Best Clarifying Shampoos for Curly Hair (Sulfate *and* Sulfate-Free).”
P.S. If you don’t want to try a clarifying shampoo, at least go with an apple cider rinse; it clarifies and conditions your hair basically at the same time. You can watch YouTube videos on the topic here, here, and here. Again, don’t use it ALL of the time (and definitely dilute it first) — just when you need to get your hair “extra clean.”
3. Apply Hair Products That Contain Sunscreen
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BLACK. PEOPLE. NEED. SUNSCREEN. HAIR. IS. INCLUDED. IN. THAT. Y’all, it can’t be said enough that having more melanin doesn’t mean that UV rays give a damn. In fact, the reason why a lot of us end up with hyperpigmentation and age spots is because we ignored this particular point. Besides, let’s not act like our scalp isn’t also made up of skin, so…there’s that. Also, even though the hair that hasn’t grown out of our head doesn’t have any living cells in it (which is why it doesn’t hurt whenever we cut it or use heat styling tools), UV rays do have the ability to damage your hair follicles, if you’re not careful. That’s why you should definitely be intentional about using hair products that have some sort of sunscreen in them around this time of the year. You can check out a list of some here, here, and here.
4. Wear “Light” Braiding/Twisting Hair
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Not all braiding and twisting hair are the same. Some brands are itchy as hell (YouTuber Seun Okimi has a bomb video on the backstory on that), while others are too heavy — and that can be annoying if you plan on doing some more swimming before the summer season is up. So, definitely ask your braider to go with a lightweight kind of hair. If s/he doesn’t know what that means, that’s your first sign to go with someone else. And what if you plan on going the DIY route? Another Black beauty influencer who goes by the name EBONYJAY has a video entitled, “What is the best braiding hair to use? Tips for new braiders” that has some gems for ya.
5. Give Your Edge Control a Bit of a Break
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Once upon a time, someone (a Black woman) asked me in an interview about why I personally thought that we were so obsessed with baby hair: “Sometimes I wonder if it’s still a low-key obsession with wanting to come off like it’s a form of having what society deems as being ‘good hair’” was my response. Because while I do like realistic-looking baby hair as much as the next fly chick, at the same time, I do think that doing anything in excess, to where it can damage your edges and/or your nape, should be rethought — and when you’re using edge control that has a lot of alcohol in it (read those labels, y’all), that is exactly what is happening.
6. Add Color Via Extensions Only
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Here’s the deal: the tighter your curls are, the more challenging it’s gonna be for the natural oils that come from your scalp to coat all of your hair strands. In a nutshell, that’s why our hair tends to be so much drier than other ethnicities. And that’s why, whenever we choose to color-treat our hair (especially with the box brand stuff), it can wreak total havoc on our tresses as far as hair health goes.
Listen, I know this is the time of year when going big and bold is tempting; just try and go with colored hair extensions or, at the very least, demipermanent or semipermanent hair color options. Or hell, even color wax. No, they don’t last as long, yet they also don’t do the kind of drying-out damage that permanent color does; they’re specifically designed not to.
7. Go No More than Three Weeks Tops for Styles Without Extensions
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Halo braids (this hack here is dope). Bantu knots. Cornrows. Space buns. Flat twists. All of these are protective style looks that many of us can do with or without the help of extensions. And while they all are super cute/low manipulation styles, try not to get too comfortable in them by letting them sit in your hair for weeks at a time. It’s pretty standard for hairstylists to recommend that naturalistas wash their hair once a week or once every two weeks at the most; otherwise, build-up can occur. Plus, when you’ve got a protective style, going over three weeks could lead to hair matting when you’ve got scalp and hair sweat to contend with.
8. Wrap It Up Sometimes
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No one can rock a head/hair wrap quite like we can, and we all know it. So, on the days when you don’t feel like spending a lot of time on your hair or you’ve got an old wash ‘n go that you don’t have time to refresh, pull out a scarf (or pre-tied turban; Etsy sells quite a bit of those; just go to the site and put “pre-tied turban” in the search field) and wrap your hair up. Not only will you look beautiful, but a scarf or turban will also give your hair a break from the sun beating down on it and ultimately drying it out in the process.
9. Keep a DIY Spritz Handy
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Something that our hair always needs is moisture — especially in the hot summer sun. A spritz that I’ve come to be a big fan of is De La Cruz’s Lavender Water Body Mist. Because it has some glycerin in it, it acts as a humectant (something that naturally pulls moisture from the air), even on my hair. This is great when I have a protective style like braids or twists because it hydrates my scalp and adds moisture to my hair, even when it’s “tied up”; that way, I don’t have to work overtime while deep conditioning my locks (after taking out my protective style) due to how dry my strands are.
If you’d prefer to make your own hair spritz, that’s pretty easy to do as well. Some easy-to-make recipes are located here, here, and here.
10. Try a Lil' Bit of Swim Spray
Something that will definitely strip away some of the natural oils in your hair is chlorine. And since we’ve already touched on the fact that a lot of us have hair that is already dry, you don’t want to help chlorine out in any way. That’s why it can never hurt to have some of AquaGuard’s products (here) in your hair arsenal. They have a pre-swim product that is specifically designed to keep harsh chemicals from damaging your locks. And you know what they say — an ounce of prevention is always better than a pound of cure.
11. Moisturize and Oil Your Ends
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Depending on who you talk to, different people are gonna have different feelings about whether or not applying oil to Black hair is needed. Personally, I’m all about it because, so long as YouTube channels like the one by EfikZaraexist (check out “Looking For Hair Growth? It Might Be Time To Bring 'Blue Magic' Back”), I’m sold! The key is to use oil to lock in a hydrating conditioner that has been applied with the help of some water.
So, when it comes to making sure that the oldest parts of your hair remain in good condition (so that you’re able to retain length), a couple of times a week, dampen your ends, apply a leave-in conditioner and then apply a carrier oil like grapeseed (it has lots of vitamin E), jojoba (it contains properties that repair heat damage) or avocado (it is a natural sunscreen) to them. Doing this will strengthen your ends over time and help to prevent split ends and breakage.
12. Enjoy Lemonade and French Braids
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If you’re curious about what the biggest braid trends are for 2023, you can’t go wrong with lemonade braids — you know, the look that is braided in such a way to where your hair swoops over to one side. As someone who oftentimes will get some medium-sized box braids at some point during the summer season, I’ll tell you, off top, that one of the best things about lemonade braids is they will definitely reduce your time in a braider’s chair (which automatically makes them a win!). Matter of fact, if you’re daring (and patient) enough (and you already know how to braid), you can probably even install them yourself (check and see by watching this video, this video, and this video).
Or you can put a part down the middle and do a couple of French braids, which is one of my favorite go-to's. A look that I like a lot is having two braids going back on the sides with a big braid in the middle. I start the middle braid back far enough to where I can create a bit of a poof in the front so that it stands taller. It takes like 30 minutes to do (after creating the three parts) and can look casual or sophisticated, depending on what I decide to wear. Easy peasy, chile.
13. Don’t Keep “Extension Styles” in for More than Six Weeks Tops
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Listen, when I get my box braids, I’m in the chair for about six hours, paying around $200. Although the end results are always worth it, the process of taking those bad boys out alone is enough to make me want to keep them in for as long as possible. And while I’ve seen hair hacks featuring women who “double knot” their braids at the root — I’ll pass. I don’t want to run the risk of making it so difficult to take my braids down at some point that I damage my locks in the process. Besides, after six weeks (eight tops), the weight of the braids (or twists) can put a real strain on your edges, nape, and hair follicles overall. So yeah, a couple of months should be the absolute max. Also, give your hair a 2-3 week (or so) break before adding more extensions. Anything in excess can be counterproductive. Always remember that.
14. Trim Those Ends
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Although I’m not personally a believer that you need to trim your hair, without fail, every 4-6 weeks, what I do think is, around that time, you should (re)evaluate your ends to see if they are in good condition. For instance, I was revisiting what different kinds of split ends look like, and while I rarely end up with the “traditional ones” that split from the bottom, sometimes I do end up with fairy knots or the feather or incomplete split whenever I am too rough on my tresses (you can learn about the various ones here). However, instead of cutting off a couple of inches, I’ll switch up my styling routine or do a bit of dusting (only cutting the strands that appear to be in real trouble).
15. Sleep with a Humidifier
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I’m forever gonna recommend that people have a humidifier in their bedroom. For health reasons, check out “10 Really Good Reasons To Get Yourself A Humidifier This Fall.” As far as your hair goes, the 6-8 hours when you’re asleep, your strands still need moisture.
Having a humidifier can get them the hydration that they need. Not to mention the fact that if you’re someone who can’t seem to keep your scarf (or bonnet) on your head or your satin pillow on your bed as you’re tossing and turning throughout the night, a humidifier can help to keep your hair from drying out. Plus, if your hair is in a protected style that has extensions, it can keep those from drying your hair out as well.
So, if you don’t already own a humidifier, there’s no time like the present to invest in one. Your health will thank you. Your hair will too! Enjoy the rest of the summer, y’all.
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Featured image by Martin Novak/Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Is There Such A Thing As 'Friendship Infidelity'?
Y’all, I don’t know if now just happens to be a heavy season for this or perhaps it’s just me, but whether it’s been on Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, or “X” (which we all know is still Twitter…LOL), have you noticed that a lot of people have been talking about the pain of going through a friendship break-up? I’ll be the first to raise my hand in this class and say that some of the ones that I’ve personally experienced over the course of my lifetime damn near took my breath away; especially when it comes to the unexpected levels of grief that oftentimes typically follow (check out “How To Heal From A Broken Friendship”).
When I write my next book (that’s currently slated for release in June of 2024; just in time for a big milestone), I’m going to share some of the things that personally caused me to go through the ending of some friendships. For now, I’m going to share a big one: friendship infidelity.
Yeah, I know — oftentimes, whenever the word “infidelity” is used, the main (if not only) thing that comes up in people’s minds is someone cheating on their partner. However, if you’ve read my content for a while now, you already know that an “occupational hazard” of mine is the fact that, as a writer, I’m pretty word-literal. Therefore, when it comes to infidelity, I’m aware that it’s got more than one meaning. And when it comes to friendship (or so-called friendships — check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?” and “7 Signs Your Friendship...Actually Isn't One”), yes, there is a definition that totally applies. Let’s discuss.
What Does Infidelity Literally Mean?
In order for this to “scratch any itch” that you might have about this particular topic, let’s get into the definition of infidelity that I was referring to. While yes, the most popular one is “marital disloyalty; adultery” (one day, we’ll have to talk about how the Bible doesn’t define adultery in the way that folks think it does (check out Matthew 19 sometime), another definition is “unfaithfulness; disloyalty.” While we’re at it, let me share a few synonyms for the word too: betrayal, falseness, inconstancy (bookmark that), deceit, double-dealing, fraud, breach of trust, violation, dishonesty, and false-heartedness.
Okay, so now do you see how it is totally appropriate to use the word “infidelity” in the realm of friendship if someone has been unfaithful or disloyal to you in any of these ways (that inconstancy one is a mutha!)? Do you also get that there is a huge possibility that, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, there are times when you’ve committed some form of infidelity when it comes to one or more of the friends in your life?
Because be real — have you never breached their trust? Have you always been consistent? To violate is to treat someone or something with disrespect. Have you never done that before? Only your ego would tell you that you’ve been a perfect friend — and the ego lies.
That said and with the meanings of a different kind of infidelity established, let’s now talk about how to approach this type of experience…because it ain’t easy.
When It Comes to Faithfulness in Your Friendships, What Should Your Expectations Be?
As far as having my own accounts, I don’t do social media (still trying to decide if I will, a little bit, around my book release) — and it has been peace, wonderful peace, to live that way. This means that it’s pretty rare that I’ll read comments via any of the platforms I write for (also peaceful). Oh, but a few years ago, when I penned “Why I Prefer My Friends To NOT Be Friends With Each Other,” I did tiptoe out a bit, and boy, some folks were disgruntled with me, chile. I was called petty, problematic, and a host of other stuff.
Uh-huh first, I don’t get how you can be mad at me about what works for me and my life (being controlling manifests in all sorts of cryptic ways) and secondly, time and experience have taught me that it’s a boundary that has served me extremely well. One of the reasons is that, since friendship infidelity is a very real thing, my lines not crossing helps to keep people from betraying my confidence or double-dealing in a way that may not even be intentional.
An example? Say that I have two friends and I tell one of them something in confidence. Then she tells the other friend, assuming that I already had because she thought that the other friend and I had similar discussions. This would be a non-issue if I hadn’t brought them together in the first place.
Another example is, one of my closest friends has some people who I like a lot who live in Nashville (my friend doesn’t). Sometimes, when she comes into town, we’ll all hang out. I don’t do it outside of that, though, because there are things that she shares with me about them on occasion (from a getting a different perspective to make certain decisions angle; especially since I’m a life coach) that I don’t want to make her or them feel awkward about (even if it’s just due to somewhat of a shift in my energy). Plus, everyone just needs to have their own people. This ain’t high school; everyone doesn’t have to be in the same cliques.
If one of my friends wants to vent about me…I don’t care if/when they are talking to someone who I don’t even know…because I’m not friends with that person… because I don’t expect anything from a complete stranger. So again, this type of boundary has served me extremely well over the years — and my friends agree. It has made “faithfulness” so much easier for all parties involved because again, lines don’t cross and things don’t get messy.
Okay. I’ll give you one more example that has to do with one of my male friends and his personal friendship-related preference. Due to his high-profile profession, he doesn’t like to be discussed at all, not even casually (really). He doesn’t want me to bring his name up and, when someone else does, he prefers that I keep the conversation down to an absolute minimum, no matter what the topic is. For him, it works for his close friendships to be somewhat private, so that people don’t know who they can go to in order to get in touch with him or to receive any intel that he hasn’t directly shared — professionally or personally.
Some people may call that “paranoid.” For him, it’s safe to move that way. And so, as his friend, it’s not my job to try and talk him out of his standard. If I value our friendship, I simply need to honor his request — plain and simple. To do otherwise would be an act of unfaithfulness (especially if I agreed to what he asked me to do and then switched up on him).
So, when it comes to you, what are your expectations? What do you need — actually require — of your own friends? Have you stated those things? Because you should never assume that your definition of what a friend should be is exactly the same as someone else’s. Next, have you made it abundantly clear to them that if those expectations are not honored, you will feel some level of betrayal? If you haven’t, you should because, although most of us can agree that a partner sleeping with someone other than their own spouse is a form of infidelity, friendship infidelity isn’t quite so black and white.
If you want your friend(s) to be faithful — “true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.,” “steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant” — you need to be upfront with them about what they are vowing to do…what you want them to be constant in? Because, again, how you might roll as a friend may be something different to/for them.
Come to think of it, love languages in friendships is a good example of this. One of my close friends is a quality time person; I’m not. On the other hand, I am a words of affirmation person; she isn’t. She used to think that it was a given that I should want to hang out at least once a month and I used to get irritated that she wasn’t big on words. When we had a talk about our individual expectations, we found a “middle ground” and that made things so much easier…on both sides. Indeed, in order to be faithful (or unfaithful), you first gotta know what you’ve agreed to be faithful to. It’s not fair to expect someone to honor you and what you bring to a friendship if you’re not communicating your expectations on the front end.
So, what should your expectations in your friendships be? That, I can’t answer for you, because even when it comes to across-the-board traits like support, availability, and communication, honestly, even those are gonna manifest differently for different people.
All I’m saying is make sure that you share what your expectations are as you listen to theirs as well. That way, you both can move forward in your friendship knowing what you have mutually agreed to actually be faithful to.
What Should You Do If a Friend “Cheats on You”?
Okay, so what if, after you have established what you need/expect from your friend, they are unfaithful or disloyal? That’s kind of a loaded question because there are a lot of different ways that this box can get checked. For instance, I once had a friend who kept trying to put me in touch with someone who I knew was unsafe (on a lot of levels). She kept asking and I kept telling her “no.” One day, she called me and then handed that person the phone — she was disloyal because she dishonored my boundary.
Back in the day, I used to write devotionals and I shared the story (sans her name) in it. All of a sudden, she thought that she was the victim (gaslighting friends are something else). So wait — you put me in harm’s way and I need to apologize to you for it? If her identity was obvious (I didn’t even say “she”), I get it — it wasn’t. She just felt guilty and didn’t want to take accountability. As a result, she weaponized our friendship by going ghost for like a year and then tried to come back as if nothing had ever happened. Chile.
For me, there was no coming back. The way she handled that, on a few different levels, was emotionally draining and I honestly didn’t have the stamina for it. So, I ended the relationship officially. Years later, we saw each other and made our peace. I’m fine with it being just that (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”).
That’s kind of an extreme example. Still, the reason why I brought it up is because I wanted you to see how I handled one form of friendship infidelity: I thought about what happened, I pondered what I was getting (and not getting) from the friendship, I thought about how she handles things when she is in the wrong and I focused on what would be the benefits and challenges of keeping her in my life. The conclusion that I came to is I care enough about her that we’re not rolling our eyes in the mall or sucking our teeth whenever one of our names comes up to the other yet I don’t want her to continue walking closely to me in my journey. I’m good.
For you, it might be a bit different. What if one of your friends betrays you in some way? Is it fair to take a “one-and-done” approach? I dunno. Is that how you would want your friends to handle you? Do you want to feel like, no matter what, after you make one mistake (or poor choice; not everything is a mistake…some things are intentional), there’s no coming back? If so, you might not want to have relationships at all because humans are fallible, INCLUDING YOU. You might as well settle in with that fact now or you’re about to be triggered, irritated, or angry for most of your life, chile.
What Should You Do If YOU’RE the One Who Cheats?
Over the weekend, I watched a movie where a woman cheated during a long-distance relationship and then claimed that her boyfriend was “punishing her” because he wasn’t over it a month later. The first thing that came to my mind? A lack of accountability. Why? Because I’m pretty sure that if the shoe had been on the other foot, she wouldn’t be all rainbows and sunshine four weeks later…either.
Being that I grew up in an environment (pretty much everywhere, including church) where folks absolutely sucked at taking personal responsibility for their actions without trying to make excuses, using justifications, deflecting, or gaslighting, I am almost violent about making sure that I don’t follow suit. And because I’ve had times when I’ve violated someone’s boundaries (I used to be more controlling than I should’ve ever been) and/or betrayed their trust (just because I’m basically an open book, that doesn’t mean that I should assume that everyone is the same way) — I’ve had to learn how to take full ownership for my actions. Then, if the person is open to accepting my apology, I would take things up a notch by making amends (check out “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made”).
If you’re not sure what an "amends" is, basically, when you’ve done something that has offended someone or caused them some type of harm if you’re truly remorseful, it’s not enough to flippantly toss a “my bad” in their direction. No, when you really get the magnitude of what has transpired — and if you want to restore the damage that was caused — you need to be intentional about doing something that will help with the healing process. This can happen with a simple, “What can I do to make things better?” People who apologize and then ask something along those lines show that they really get what they did; not only that but they are displaying that they want to humble themselves enough to help the person they hurt to “recover” in any way that they can.
So, if you are the one who was unfaithful or disloyal — own it, address it, apologize (without any unnecessary extra-ness, make amends, and then give your friend space to heal…however they need to do so. Infidelity hurts in any kind of relationship dynamic yet when two people — BOTH INDIVIDUALS — really want to make things work, they can come back from it. Oftentimes better than they were before.
How to Heal from Friendship Infidelity
It really can’t be said enough that humans are fallible. In fact, it is my belief, that if more of us said that as a mantra, five times a day, we’d probably be a lot more merciful than we tend to be. Because since none of us are perfect — INCLUDING OURSELVES — it really is pretty ridiculous to expect to be in relationships with folks and have them never disappoint you (where they do that at?!). The reality is sometimes a friend may be disloyal — not in a malicious or redundant kind of way (another message, another time) but just…they didn’t meet your requirements, they hurt your feelings (even if not intentionally) or they simply made a poor decision. Just like you have before — and at some point, will again.
Yes, it can hurt; trust me, I’ve been there. At the same time, you can heal from the pain and your friendship can survive too. The key is to really process the character of your friend, the track record of your friend, and if the benefits far outweigh the challenges with them. If everything is on the upswing, talk to your friend about how you are feeling, pay close attention to how they respond (if there is remorse, compassion, and patience), and then make the decision that you want to move forward. And then move in a way that shows that you’ve learned from it all.
For instance, say that you told one of your friends something in confidence and they repeated it. After getting context, if it was reckless chatter, healing begins with forgiving them, them trying to make things right and then you easing into sharing anything else. No, it’s not about keeping the door shut forever — it’s more like, telling them something that you don’t really mind if it gets out. If it does, although that’s not a big deal, you will now see that yapping is a pattern for them and so, although you like having them in your life, being a “confidant space” is not where they need to be — at least not for quite some time.
And what if, in your opinion, there is no coming back from friendship infidelity? How do you heal from that? Well, you need to grieve it like you would grieve anything else. Go through the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The key is to not stay stuck; especially in anger. Because really, how is that gonna help or change anything?
I’ve gone through some acts of extreme infidelity that took me a while to move to acceptance — really accepting that it happened and fully accepting that I had to let the relationship go. Yet once I got there, healing was waiting for me. Because I wasn’t beating myself up trying to read someone else’s mind or motive or exhausting myself by wishing things were different. No one can change the past. Even accepting that can restore you to some pretty unexpected levels.
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This is the kind of topic that I really could write an entire book about. For now, I just hope that this article provides some clarity that, if you wonder if unfaithfulness is a real thing as far as friendship is concerned, it most certainly is. It’s also not automatically unforgivable either.
Last example: I’ve got a friend of decades who prioritized a woman that he barely knew over our friendship. Meaning, she was threatened by me being around and so he did whatever to make her happy even at the expense of what we agreed to do and be to each other, as friends. Friendship infidelity. He has since apologized and I told him what I am a firm believer in: the apology needs to breathe. I need to take some time, he needs to take some time and, in time, either we will still see value in our dynamic or, because an apology was made and then accepted, peace will always remain between us.
Infidelity is something that none of us want to experience — oh, but we probably will. When it comes to your friendships, perhaps you’ve got a (better) grasp on how to handle it.
Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. Live long enough, chile, for better or for worse, you will know about both. I can almost guarantee it.
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