Go Get Him! Study Shows Women Who Make The First Move Have Better Dating Success
I'm sitting at the bar enjoying sushi and my second $9 cocktail when one of my friends taps the shoulder of the guy sitting next to me.
“Hi!" she says to him. “What's your name?"
He tells her.
“Have you met my friend, Tee?" she replies, as she turns her back to us to continue conversing with the group behind us, as if she has just accomplished a major task.
It's an awkward introduction. He's confused and annoyed – mainly, I presume, because dude is already engrossed in a conversation with a young woman on the other side of him. So I'm initially horrified because all my friend has done is inadvertently let him know that I'm possibly:
1) a relationship reject
2) incapable of meeting men on my own
3) a homewrecker
Then I grow angry because I'm none of the above, and she's placed me in a humiliating position all because I'm not flirting and mingling to her satisfaction. I'm left seething in my seat, mumbling under my breath that if I wanted to meet dude, I would've introduced my damn self.
Okay, I'm lying about that last part.
I'm not that forward when it comes to meeting men. I'm ingrained with that you-don't-chase-men wisdom and that includes not approaching them to express initial interest. I'm taught to always allow the man to come to me.
But according to an informal survey conducted by dating site OkCupid, that way of thinking is so antiquated and doesn't exactly yield desirable results: “Women who reach out first have a better chance of success." In fact, those women who initiate contact are 2.5 times more likely to get favorable responses than men who make the first move, and those replies will spark more conversations with men we actually want to talk to.
“When women are proactive, there's a big win," OKCupid chief product officer Jimena Almendares tells ABC News. “This is data that is showing that if they actually speak up, they have so much to gain."
Admittedly, this makes sense. Like many women, I'm generally more selective about whom I entertain or allow in my personal space even in a public setting, so if I actually step to a guy, I must be really intrigued and simultaneously imagining a name change, mortgage, and a set of twins, too.
Still my initial thought was in a world where we can now swipe left and right to a relationship, making the first move seems more acceptable and reasonable. But how does the information translate to real life? Will a man find this behavior too aggressive? Emasculating? Desperate?
On a segment on Good Morning America, writer, author, relationship expert, and BFF-in-my-head Demetria Lucas D'Oyley reminds us that times have changed and first moves on our parts no longer indicate thirst, so there's no reason why we can't update our rules, apply them to real life, and take complete charge of our dating lives.
“It's 2016," Lucas-D'Oyley says. “We've been doing things the wrong way for a really long time."
I reflect on my dating drought history just to refute OkCupid's findings and Lucas-D'Oyley's statement and support my Grandma's wise words: “You don't chase no man." But I find that I have no grand success story to share. I'm usually one of those women who's posted up outside of the spotlight enjoying happy hour fare, afterward crossing her arms, avoiding eye contact, delivering a mean blank stare, and daring a soul to interrupt her chill evening.
But that's less about me being standoffish and more about me using past experiences to gauge my present – I've had undesirable men follow and stick to me like old honey just from exchanging pleasantries. They come out the woodwork to sniff me out like The Walking Dead extras, and spend the remainder of my evening plotting an escape route.
And since I'm an introvert who cringes at the idea of introductions anyway, it's also more about me preserving my mental energy and small talk for someone who actually piques my curiosity. But even then, I would've never stepped to him. I'd unfurrow my brow, relax my tight lips, and hope he gets the hint that it's okay for him to strike up a convo.
Perhaps in that aspect we have gotten it all wrong.
For one, finding a potential significant other has kind of grown into a convoluted mind game where we're sending all these nonverbal cues – like sitting at a bar all prim and proper sipping our pricy cocktails while puckering our lips and batting our lashes – to make a man notice us. But sometimes those signals are a foreign language that gets lost in translation or intercepted by the wrong party.
Besides, that man-is-the-hunter while the woman-is-the-prey belief is not just outdated, it's just plain sexist and barbaric. Maybe the onus shouldn't be solely on him in a two-to-tango world, and maybe he shouldn't bear all the pressure of potential rejection since, after all, he's more likely to get shut down much faster than we are. We're human. We're equal. We're grown. And as empowered women who are go-getters in nearly every other aspect of our lives, why are we remaining so passive about a life choice in which we're likely to become long term, active participants?
Posed that way, I agree that we should exercise some sort of initial control when it comes to our personal lives, but in moderation with common sense and class. As Lucas-D'Oyley says, approaching a man with “Yo Papi, what's good?" ain't it. Neither is feeling him up like the Steve Harvey show blind dates do or stepping to him when he's already taken as my friend did.
And most importantly, as Lucas-D'Oyley clarifies, making the first move doesn't mean make all the moves. The point is only to express interest and break the ice.
Aha! So Grandma was right! Okay to an extent. So while I'm willing to say, “Hi" or compliment his nice shirt like Lucas-D'Oyley advises, I'm still not chasing him.
And then I'm still going to expect him to offer me that $9 drink because, well, I'll still need him to put in some work.
Have you made or would you ever make the first move?
Featured image by Getty Images
- Women Who Made the First Move - Dating Advice ›
- Go ahead, ladies, make the first move. You'll date more attractive men. ›
- Why Girls Should Make The First Move, As Told By A Guy ›
- Should Women Make the First Move in a Relationship? | Psychology ... ›
- 15 Reasons Women Should Always Make The First Move ›
- Study says men want women to make the first move - Videos - CBS ... ›
- Why Don't Women Make The First Move? - AskMen ›
- 8 Reasons Why More Women Should Make The First Move ... ›
- 9 Times Women Made the First Move—and Guys LOVED It ›
I write about lifestyle and women's health and wellness. When I'm not in front of a computer screen crafting stories, I'm in a kitchen crafting cocktails. Follow me on the 'gram @teronda.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Curate The Vibes With These Black-Owned Candles For Every Mood
Black women of the 90s and early 2000s had incense, and Black women of today are fully embracing our luxury candle era. Candles have become just as important as our perfume selections, and as a luxury candle connoisseur, I keep all of my favorites in stock in my storage closet.
Whether you’re moving out for the first time and want to try new scents or looking to set the mood for a self-care day or sexy evening, consider these Black-owned candle brands to curate the vibe you’re looking for.
If You’re Feeling Bad & Bougie
The Original Candle
If you’re the bougie friend of the group, this candle is for you. Hanifa has become a staple luxury brand; with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross, Jennifer Hudson, Naomi Campbell, and Danielle Brooks seen in her designs, they have become everyone's favorite brand. They recently launched their first candle, The Original. The candle is infused with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, caramel, sandalwood, jasmine sambac, and vanilla.
When Wash Day Comes...
"Wash Day" Candle
Cavo
Need some inspiration to get up and section that hair so you can get to washing? Not to worry. This pineapple, mango coconut milk, and sugar candle will have your house smelling as good as your favorite conditioner.
Wellness Girl Necessity
Sunday in Brooklyn Candle
If you’re a girl who loves clean scents that clear the energy in your home and feel like the best Sunday you ever had, you need this candle. Infused with wild basil and lemongrass, it’s guaranteed to help you find your zen.
For Sunday Brunch If You’re Hosting
Champagne Showers
Champagne Showers is the perfect candle for a birthday celebration, Sunday brunch night in, or toast to your next big win! The candle includes a blend of bright bergamot, peach fizz, and creamy woods. It’s a bubbly fragrance that’s as sophisticated as our girl, Jackie Aina.
After You Listen To SZA
"After A Good Cry" Candle
Cavo
Let the tears flow, and let the healing begin. This rainwater, lavender, vanilla, and bean and bourbon candle is just what the doctor ordered if you’re getting over a breakup. But once you’re done crying, just remember you're worthy of much more, okay?
For The Lover Girl Era
"Love" Luxury Candle
If you’re done crying and have found the one you’ve been waiting for, let this candle burn as warm as your love for your new boo. Harlem Candle Co.'s "Love" fragrance represents a dramatic, romantic theme with both masculine and feminine accords melding beautifully together, infused with crisp apple and watery green notes.
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Featured image by Maskot/Getty Images