An Extremely Underestimated Sign That You're With The Right Person
"Black men, we're in constant warfare. Every day is a fight outside of my house, so why would I want to come home to more fighting when that is the very place where I should be resting? There are loved ones who I don't speak to as much anymore because they aren't peaceful people. A huge part of the reason why I am happier without my ex is she was rarely a source of peace. The older I get, the more I realize that peace really is the foundation of everything; especially relationships, because how can I nurture anything if I'm in a constant state of influx and chaos? Guys don't care how fine a woman is or how great the sex may be if she's not peaceful because there is nothing more valuable than peace. If the closest person to me is not a source of it, that can ultimately play a role in all kinds of disruption and destruction. No man wants that."
My ever-since-college friend Anthonol recently said that as I was talking to him about a conclusion that I have firmly come to after having countless conversations with men about what they prize more than just about anything in a long-term relationship. Yep, you guessed it — peace. I don't care if the guy is 18 or 60, single or married, I can't tell you how many times a man has told me that they have remained with someone or left them in a heartbeat and it was all because that individual, for them, was not a very peaceful person and/or did they cultivate an environment of peace.
And honestly, I get it. The older — and hopefully wiser — that I become myself, something that I too value is peace. I want to be a haven of peace. I want the people around me to cultivate an atmosphere of peace. And yes, I will be quick-fast-and-in-a-real-hurry to remove myself from people, places, things and ideas that do not bring peace to my space and psyche.
Personally, whenever I think of the word "peace", the Hebrew word for it comes to mind — shalom. One of my favorite things about the word is it has so many meanings. Today, I want to touch on five of them in hopes that, if someone reading this is looking of a bona fide and surefire sign that they are with the person who is truly right for them, they will 1) come to understand that peace is absolutely essential and 2) gain even more clarity on what peace is — and requires.
Tranquility
The reason why I picked a GIF that has the ocean in it is for this particular point is because that type of environment is what immediately comes to my mind whenever I think of tranquility. To be tranquil is all about being peaceful and calm. That's already dope; however, there is more to it than that. Did you know that another definition of tranquil is "free from or unaffected by disturbing emotions"? That said, another male friend of mine (who prefers to be off the record) said something that really stood out to me — "Women don't mind feeling a wide range of emotions throughout the day. Some of y'all will literally be like, 'I want to cry. Let me find a movie that will make that happen.' Your emotional focus and sometimes even resilience is wired like that. We like to remain as even as possible because there is so much going on that we know we need to remain centered and focused. So, anything or one that constantly triggers us to be upset, bothered or angry, we'll avoid that."
To me, here is a great place to start. When you're in a healthy relationship, it will not consist of you constantly feeling disturbed, confused or unsettled. Typically, when we're feeling that way, it's alerting us to the fact that something is…off. And if things are always off, something is…really off. No relationship is perfect and there are going to be times when things are a little disruptive. Still, if you can't use "calming" as a way to define what you are currently in, don't ignore that reality check. Please ponder what's really going on.
Agreement/Harmony
Another word that defines peace is agreement. Here's the thing about that, though. To agree is "to have the same views, emotions, etc." and "get along together". This speaks to having similar views, values and to some extent, even communication styles. Still, don't sleep on another definition of the word which is to "come to an arrangement or understanding". You know what this means, right? People who are in peaceful relationships, even when they don't have the same views or feelings about something, they are able to negotiate. Peaceful people are the folks who are far more interested in keeping the relationship healthy and moving forward than being right all of the time. They can compromise. They are open to hearing someone else's point of view. They can even agree to disagree when needed.
Another definition of agree is harmony. I'm a huge music fan, so that makes me think of a choir. Sopranos, altos and tenors all sound different yet when they come together and everyone knows and does their part (which is so key, y'all), the collective sound is beautiful. Men and women aren't supposed to be the same. There are proven scientific differences that help us to come together and cultivate a balance — a beautiful sound, so to speak. When it comes to your relationship, do you have similar views? Do you get along more times than not? When there is discourse, can you come to an understanding that you both can feel good about? If not…why not?
Wholeness
Something that I shared not too long ago is I'm a firm believer that no one should expect another person to make them happy. Humans are fallible; they tend to be pretty fickle too, so there are going to be times when they disappoint you, hurt your feelings and straight up piss you off. If you feel like they should never do that, because they should be the source of your happiness, you really should stay single because that expectation is unrealistic as all get out. I mean, do you make yourself happy all of the time? Exactly.
Same thing goes for another definition of shalom-peace which is wholeness. While a partner can help to cultivate a sense of wholeness, it shouldn't be expected of them to "make you whole". No, the focus here should be more along the lines of "containing all the elements properly belonging". Healthy relationships are better able to go the distance when they contain the "core ingredients" that make a relationship work and last — love, respect, patience, support, consistency, attentiveness and similar relational goals are certainly a great place to start.
I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with where the love is there yet so many other things are lacking. You can't ever truly be at peace in a relationship if what it takes to make one work is fractionated on some level. Is yours? It can never hurt to direct this same question to your partner too.
Completion
While it might seem a bit redundant to have wholeness and completion listed as signs of peace, even when shalom is broken down, the words are separated. I get why too. It's because while complete does mean "having all the required or customary characteristics, skills, or the like", it also means "thorough", "consummate" and "uncompromised". Let's break all three down a bit, shall we?
Thorough. When it comes to relationships (really, when it comes to almost anything), very few words are literally gonna make me literally tingle more than proactive and thorough. A thorough person pays attention to detail. A thorough person isn't negligent. A thorough person is extremely careful when it comes to what they say and do. And a person like that? How can they not be seen as a source of peace?
Consummate. You wanna know why couples can get their marriage annulled if they never had sex? It's because sex is considered to be what completes their wedding day. Yes, to consummate is to complete. It's also to fulfill and to fulfill is to satisfy. It's very easy to feel peaceful in a relationship when you also feel satisfied with the person you are with. Not that you are needy (needy people are like a bottomless pit); that your needs are being met — the needs that you've clearly expressed and your partner has verbally agreed to meet.
Uncompromised. Whenever I think of the word "uncompromised", I think of character and stability. While again, no human being is perfect, someone who operates from a space of being uncompromised is someone who says what they mean and means what they say. You can trust them because they are dependable, reliable and steady. And how can you not feel totally at peace with a person like that?
Restoration
One more. Y'all, let me preface this final word by saying, it is no one's job to save or restore us. EVER. That is God's task and even then, we've got to be willing to do a lot of work, along with his help.
So, when I say that a sign that you're with the right person is that they will bring you peace and that a definition of shalom-peace is restoration…"encourage" is what I think of. The right guy will encourage you to come back to a place of health or vigor if you haven't been there in a while. The right guy will encourage you to return to an original state if you've felt lost or like you've been unclear about some things. The right guy will encourage you to improve, repair and strengthen (all words that are synonyms for restore) the areas of your life that need them. There will be something about that man that will always motivate and inspire you to want to be better — to get back to what makes you your absolute best.
Y'all, there's a reason why I entitled this article using the word "right" instead of something like, "a sign that you're in love". It's because loving someone doesn't mean that they are right for you (trust me, I've got a few T-shirts on this point). When someone is right, they are good. When someone is right, they line up with facts and truth. And when someone is right, a part of what comes with them and your relationship is peace. Loads of peace.
I'm not sure why peace is so underestimated in relationships. Hopefully, you're reading this and possibly sharing it with others will help us to maintain the healthy relationships and release the unhealthy ones. 'Cause chile, if you ain't at peace…if your relationship isn't bringing you peace…what in the world is "right" about it?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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What These Beauty Editors And Writers Learned About Beauty From Their Moms
Beauty editors are the heart of the industry. They work endlessly to provide us with inspiring stories and keep us up to date on beauty trends that help remind us we are that girl. However, before they were the trailblazers of the beauty industry, they were little girls inspired by their mothers’ beauty routines.
Watching them every morning as they put on their favorite lipstick and got ready for the day. Dreaming of the moment when they, too, could play in their mother's makeup bag and discover the secret behind the captivating beauty world.
Asia Milia Ware, Kayla Greaves, and Shauna Beni are three masterminds behind some of your favorite digital publications. They have pushed beauty trends and started groundbreaking conversations in the industry. Not only are they some of the most talented beauty writers and editors, but they are fabulous women who get it from their mamas!
We chatted with each of them to learn more about how their mothers have influenced their love for beauty.
Asia Milia Ware
Beauty and Fashion Writer, The Cut
Asia Milia Ware is a beauty and fashion force to be reckoned with. You can catch her on somebody's island in the latest fashion or at an occasional function with friends and a bold red lip. Ware’s infectious love for beauty and fashion started as a young girl watching her mom’s simple yet profound beauty routine. “My mom’s beauty routine was simple. She had her go-to Revlon red lipstick that doubled as a blush, followed by Amber Rose perfume oil, and she would do her nails,” says Ware. As Ware gained an admiration for beauty, she would turn her mother's sweet red lipstick kisses into blush. A mother’s love would soon birth the trajectory of Ware’s successful career in the beauty industry.
“It impacted me as a young girl because I saw how it made her feel. I saw the instant mood booster it was to apply her lipstick, and I saw how special she felt when she would go to the hair salon and be pampered instead of doing it herself,” she says. Seeing her mother’s confidence and happiness made Ware crave a similar feeling. Sneaking into her mother’s makeup bag and putting on lipstick became a thrill. That thrill soon turned into Ware tagging along to the nail salon with her aunts. “I saw Black women unapologetically indulging in themselves through beauty, and it was a community I couldn’t wait to be part of.”
Seeing women pour into themselves was pivotal for the way Ware would view self-love, but Ware’s most important lesson in beauty would be self-acceptance. “I was a rebel; if she [her mother] told me I didn't need certain makeup or weave, I would still want it. But, in hindsight, she was teaching me to love everything about myself without the enhancements,” says Ware. Living in a world where beauty can seem more important than who we are, learning to love our core can help enhance our self-confidence and view beauty as an accessory, not a necessity.
Kayla Greaves
Award-winning Beauty Journalist and former Beauty Editor at InStyle
“My mother was very big on beauty. I can’t remember when she ever went out without glam and a fit to match,” says Greaves. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Greaves is an award-winning journalist who challenges beauty norms while looking effortless in glam. Like her mother, she has a wash and roller set and well-manicured nails. “She had her weekly wash days, followed by doing her own roller set, and while under the dryer, she would be doing her mani/pedi. Many of my memories of her have become fuzzy, but as a little girl, I remember looking up to her and thinking she was the most beautiful woman on the planet,” says Greaves.
Like most little girls, Greaves enjoyed playing in her mother's closet and makeup. She fell into beauty as she tried on her mother's clothes and indulged in her makeup bag. “I always wanted my nails painted, my hair done, and begged her to put a little blush on my cheeks before we went out,” says Greaves. Her mother's passion for beauty was soon embedded in her daughter, who couldn’t wait to define beauty for herself.
As Greaves grew up, she unfortunately couldn’t bask in conversation about beauty with her mother. However, she’s adopted what she remembers of her mom into her routine. “she always had a simple makeup routine, and I've adopted that. My go-to look is a combo of mascara, a little highlighter, and a well-lined red or nude lip. Ironically, I have my mother's lips—maybe that's why they're my favorite feature.” Greaves' mother's love for beauty will forever be remembered and carried through her daughter's spirit.
Shauna Beni-Haynes
Shopping Editor, Teen Vogue
Shauna Beni-Haynes' beauty routines are filled with so much life. From pink hair to vibrant makeup and fashion looks, Haynes' love for beauty knows no bounds. Although Haynes’ relationship with beauty is larger than life, her mom always kept things simple. “All she needed was a classic red lip, red nails, and a big, voluminous blowout. That was her go-to beauty routine, and I love looking back at her pictures and seeing how beautiful she looked,” says Haynes.
Similar to Haynes, her mother created her own rules when it came to beauty. A bold red lip and voluminous hair deeply impacted Haynes at a time when most were doing the opposite. “In a time when the beauty standard was focused on long, straight, silky hair, I could rock my natural curls loud and proud, thanks to the confidence instilled from my mom's beauty routine,” says Haynes. Her mother’s courage became rooted in a lesson for Haynes to use the beauty features she already had, allowing her to embrace her full self.
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Featured image by Asia Milia Ware/Instagram