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Your Friends Are Thriving. You? Not So Much. How To Deal.
Y'all, if there's one thing I've got in my life, it's successful friends. For one thing, about 90 percent of them are doing exactly what they want to do in life. Secondly, around 65 percent of them are making a living without reporting to anyone but themselves. And three, around 40-50 percent of them are pretty well-known. Because of this winning combo, there are times when people will ask me if I ever have moments when I feel a tinge of jealousy.
To be honest, not really. I think a huge part of it is because none of my tribe really does what I do and vice versa. And so, it's kind of hard to feel envious when someone wins a GRAMMY (I don't professionally sing) or lands a six-figure government deal (like one of my friends who is retired from the military; I'm not in that field either).
At the same time, I do know what it's like to have moments when it feels like everyone else's world is moving swiftly along the highway of ambition while I'm kind of going the speed limit on the side streets — what it's like to be thrilled for my tribe while still wondering when my time will come. And since I highly doubt that this is something that only I have experienced in life, I wanted to share a few insights on how you can get through the season of when your homies are thriving, BIG TIME, while you? Eh, not so much.
Here’s the Difference Between Being Envious and Jealous
Before getting into how to stop quietly/internally feeling some type of way about your friends flourishing during the moments when it feels like you are somewhat at a standstill, if some self-introspection has revealed that you may have a green-eyed monster staring back at you whenever you look into the mirror and you're too ashamed to tell anyone and/or you're not sure what to do about it, you've come to the right place. However, in order to break free, let me first break down the difference between being envious and jealous; because, while they are closely related, they aren't exactly one in the same.
To envy someone is to have "a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc." The word that jumps out at me in this is "discontent" because that's all about being dissatisfied. A relationship coach by the name of Tony Gaskins once said, "To be content doesn't mean you don't desire more; it means you're thankful for what you have and are patient for what's to come."
He's exactly right. The reality is, everyone has peaks and valleys in life. No one always has everything going well for them; not everyone experiences trying times either. In short, life is a bit of a roller coaster. Oh, but if you can master how to truly be content — how to take things one moment at a time, how to be grateful for the goodness that is in your own life and how to accept that you are in your season for a reason and purpose, just like everyone else — it can quickly dissolve any feelings of envy that you may be experiencing. Because with contentment comes peace and when you're at peace with yourself…what is there to be envious of? Straight up.
To be jealous is to have a "feeling resentment because of another's success, advantage, etc." It's kind of interesting that envy catches more of a bad reputation than jealously does because I personally think that jealousy is way more problematic. While envy has you feeling dissatisfied, jealousy can have you out here being all resentful 'n stuff and that kind of head and heart space is rooted in grade A bitterness — the kind that can lead to petty, spiteful and even hateful behavior.
Aside from the fact that jealousy simply isn't a good look, if you feed too much energy into it, I'm pretty sure you can see how it can infect and potentially irrevocably damage your friendship(s). So, if this is what you've got going on, ask yourself what the root of it stems from, figure out where your insecurities lie and then start self-love journaling, so that you can heal those broken areas. Being a jealous person sucks — and can suck so much life out of you. When it comes to your friendships specifically, it can take over your psyche and make you a very difficult person to be around. Friends look for people to encourage and support them — not drain them by being low-key resentful and bitter all of the time. Remember that.
Do You Have a Habit of Comparing Yourself to Your Friends?
Several steps down from envy and jealousy is the act of comparison. You know, an author by the name of Shannon L. Adler once said, "Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud." Iyanla Vanzant once said, "Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self." A principle of the Zen Shin Buddhism practice is, "A flower does not think of competing to the next flower; it just blooms."
What I like about all of these quotes is they're a blaring reminder that comparing ourselves to others is really a complete waste of time. It doesn't change the facts, plus it causes us to focus more on what others have going on instead of what we could be cultivating in our own world. While I get that making comparisons is totally human, if this is something that you have a habit of doing, there's no time like the present to start implementing steps to stop.
And just how the heck do you do that? I'll get more into this in the next point. However, a good starting point is to jot down a list of the things that are currently happening in your own life. What are your short- and long-term plans? What are some of the things that you've accomplished over the past several months? What are you particularly grateful for? It really can't be expressed enough that one of the worst things about comparing yourself to other people — especially your friends — is it robs you of time (time you can't ever get back) to blow up your own life in the best way possible. Now that you know this, don't waste another minute in such a senseless mindset. It's simply not worth it.
Are You Watering Your Own Yard?
Something that life is teaching me more and more is boredom is problematic AF. There are married couples that I work with who've done some pretty unhealthy things, simply because they were bored. My goddaughters get into trouble sometimes because they do mischievous things, simply because they are bored.
And oftentimes, when we feel like everyone else has it going on but us — yep, you guessed it, it's because we're bored. And when our own lives seem dull, interesting or like we are doing the same things over and over…and over again, of course, it's easier to think everyone else is winning; like their grass is just so much greener.
You know what the remedy for that is, right? You need to water your own yard instead of looking over everyone else's fence. Start by taking a long hard look at your life and honestly determining if you're doing what you want to be doing with it. If you are, what can you do to get you further down the path? If you're not, why do you keep procrastinating when it comes to living your life differently? I'll tell you what — while the moments happen less and less these days, whenever it does seem like everyone around me has a full plate and I'd like to be doing more, I use their accomplishments as a form of motivation. Because if those closest to me can soar in their own lanes, they are living proof that I can do the same.
Do Your Friends Support You As Much As You Support Them?
This particular point, while it might not apply en masse, I think some of you will get it. If you happen to be the friend who is the on-call cheerleader, who constantly uses your own gifts and talents to help other people and who is always celebrating your folks and yet, when it's your turn, it's hard to find those who are the same way towards you, it's time to have a serious chat with those who you consider to be your friends. The reason why is because, I'm telling you, the older that I get, the more I realize that what every relationship — whether it's personal or professional — should bring to the table is reciprocity.
When you've got friends who give as much as they take, that makes it so much easier to get through the moments in your life when you feel like they are thriving and you are doing anything but. That's because their proactiveness in your world helps you to not feel alone, it can play a significant role in boosting your self-confidence, and it can fuel you to stay the course in your own life until goals are met and success is reached.
In this life, some people keep you around because they know you're helping them to make things happen. If they're not willing to do the same thing for you, well…how good of friends are they? Real talk.
Sometimes It’s Your Time; Just Not Your Turn
Many, many years ago, I heard a local pastor here by the name of Bishop Joseph W. Walker III preach a message entitled, "It's Your Time; Not Your Turn." The example that he used was standing in a line to get something and while you're ever so close to receiving it, there are others in front of you who will get it first. As a direct result, while it is indeed your time, it's not yet your turn. Hmph. That reminds me a lot of Ecclesiastes 3 that talks about their being times and seasons.
Sis, what you've got to always keep in mind is just like your friends have unique purposes and capabilities, so do you. You will never be able to bring to this world what they can and they will never be able to be as unique and original as you are either. So, while it might seem as if they are advancing, prospering and thriving while you are, well, not so much, don't lose heart. So long as you're doing the best that you can and your friends have your back as much as you have theirs (sometimes, you need to give them a heads up on what you need; busy people are well, busy) — this season won't last forever. Your "thrive time" will show up, soon enough. And your friends will be right there…cheering you along.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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