

We've heard this same song replayed over and over again: Women are stressed and overworked, underpaid, and overlooked in the workplace. Research and everyday experiences back up this claim. And Black women face the added stress of discrimination, even lower pay, and being head of household for a large percentage of homes.
So, how can we get out of survival mode? How can we take deliberate steps to thrive? I'm a huge fan of looking at things from a balanced point of view. I refuse to wear those woe-is-me-it's-hard-being-a-Black-woman tinted glasses often sold to us by propaganda and fear mongers. Here are a few tips that helped me to finally step out of survival mode and into thrive mode:
1. Own your career choices with a mindset shift from lack to optimistic focus and discipline.
It can seem tough to radically approach your career moves as a journey filled with empowering choices, especially when bills have to be paid, and there's stress related to finances. Oftentimes, when I feel the pressure of financial responsibilities, what empowers me is a change in my outlook. I dislike feeling boxed in or forced into anything, including a job or professional role, simply out of financial need. So my mindset has to shift.
I've had to take jobs that I didn't necessarily like. I've also been underemployed before. The key was to think about the goal and focus solely on that. Whether it was to pay off a debt, tide me over while I was in a time of self-employment slump, or save up for a large purchase, focusing on the goal vs. my dislike of the actual job, helped me push through and be more strategic about my career moves.
Once I was able to meet certain goals, I found the freedom to be a bit more picky with the organizations I work with, the companies I work for, and the salary I was willing to accept. It might take a bit of time, but you can set yourself up for this freedom with strategy and focus.
The optimistic piece is key here because it's easy to fall into a cycle of thinking about the negatives of a job or career. It's also easy to fall into shame about mistakes made or about what you perceive you lack, but when you shift focus to what you can control, what you can change, what you do have, and your end goal, you're better able to really be strategic about going for the professional life and quality of work you'd like to have.
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2. Get to know what really motivates your fulfillment or happiness at work.
Do you just generally like helping people? Do you like challenging yourself intellectually? Do you love working with children or being a person of authority? Do you like being outdoors or doing work activities in nature? Do you enjoy solo work where you really don't have to interact with too many people all the time? Is your work purpose-driven or more about making lots of money? (It's totally fine to be motivated by the pursuit of financial freedom and wealth, but you must keep it real with yourself in this regard. We all play various roles in this world, and the money-makers among us are vital as well, so there's no shame in that.)
Sit down and think about these things. Write them down. If your current job or career doesn't align with what motivates you to get up and take action every day or it doesn't involve tasks that will guide you to your ultimate goal in life, consider looking for other work, going back to school to get training in something else you might be interested in doing for a living, volunteering, or taking on other projects at your current job in order to really tap into what you enjoy doing.
3. Find other fulfilling activities that fill in the gaps of dissatisfaction.
Some of us can't afford to just quit a job or give up on the years we've dedicated to a company. That's fine. If there are things about your job that are stressors or that are simply just a norm in the work you do, find other activities outside of work that allows you to have some sense of release and balance. It could be sports, spa dates, exercise, church, family time, or solo do-nothing days.
It could be starting a side business, a nonprofit, or a group for other people who have similar interests. It could be therapy or other spiritual practices. If you find you've made your job your whole life, it's a good idea to figure out a better balance so that you aren't consumed by it.
It's great to be an achiever and to do well at work, but there are other human needs that are important, too. Deliberately schedule other activities on your calendar and make them a priority so that you can start to really enjoy your career by having a balanced outlook on your role in it.
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4. Use your voice---especially if you're in a leadership position---and ask for help.
Oftentimes, it can be hard for us to simply as for the help we need. We don't want to seem inadequate, inexperienced, or, dare I say, weak. We want to seem strong, powerful, and resilient all the time. And that desire is a valid one, especially due to the discrimination and toxic systemic issues we face in the workplace.
I challenge you, though, to ask for help, anyway. If you need an assistant, ask for one. If you need time off, ask for it. If you need more time to complete a task, ask for it. Build your tribe at work and get support. Even if you feel your manager or supervisor will say no, speak up anyway.
We have to get into a practice of speaking up because the more all of us do this, the more we empower ourselves and help to shift company cultures. It's really annoying and sometimes insulting to have to justify a reasonable request for assistance, but sometimes, it must be done.
I once had to create a whole pitch just to get an intern to help with the work I had in managing projects that probably should have been split between three people, not one. I ended up getting the intern, but just having to create this whole pitch for something a leader could have used common sense to approve was a lesson in humility for sure. It was as if I had to prove I deserved an intern or help at all.
If you're a manager, delegate. Trust others to do tasks. Empower them by giving them the tools they need to fulfill certain obligations that are really distracting you from the more vital deadlines that you need to meet. Being a superwoman is just not realistic, and to be honest, it's a farce. A true leader serves and is able to give others a chance to be leaders within their own right. You can let someone else shine without dimming your own light.
And managers, speak up for more efficient work processes, better ways to communicate, equal pay, and better protocols that put workers who offer amazing talent and time first. If you have to take baby steps to do this, do it, even if you must align yourself with a privileged ally or seek legal counsel. Again, change in terms of the fight to survive in a career or thrive in one can be sparked with one action from many of us.
5. Quit. Yes, just let that job go.
Burnout is nothing to play with, and it can literally affect your physical health. If you find that you're always mentally exhausted, are oftentimes depressed or angry, or you're coping with work-related stress through overeating or over-indulging in other ways, it's time to take a full stop. If you're literally at your wit's end and you have the family or other support to resign, do it. Talk to your family, a counselor, or a mentor, and take the steps to prep for an exit.
I'd had a point in my life where professional burnout literally led to a mental breakdown. I was in my early 30s at the time. I was overweight, drinking a lot, angry all the time, and wasn't sleeping well. I was working all the time as well, and I was not enjoying my life anymore. I called my mom. "There's something wrong. I cannot function. Ma, it's getting bad. I cannot do this anymore." She simply replied, "Come home."
I felt ashamed and like a failure, but looking back, several years later, it was the best decision of my life. My mom, stepfather, and grandmother really helped me during a tough time. I cashed out my 401K, got on unemployment, and rebuilt. I found love, bought a car (in cash, sis!), went to therapy, moved into my dream home, traveled, and made more money than I had when I was at that previous job where I'd experienced burnout. (I found balance again, both emotionally and mentally, and I felt like myself again.)
If you have the support, tap into it. Use all resources afforded to you to be able to take some time off to get out of survival mode. Change your environment.
And maybe your "letting go" doesn't even include quitting outright. Focusing on the positive outcomes, explain to your HR department or manager, and ask to take a sabbatical. During the break---where your job would still be waiting for you upon your return---map out what you want out of your career, what gives you joy, and what it will take to get your finances in order. Let go of the shame and get the help you need.
As Black women, we deserve all the best life has to offer, and while we must work hard and continue to challenge ourselves, we must also find fulfillment and joy within our career journeys. I hope these tips will help many of you take back your life and thrive.
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Mercury Retrograde In Leo Horoscopes: Your Sign’s Survival Guide
Another Mercury retrograde is here, and it is time to take a step back and process. This is the second out of the three Mercury retrogrades happening this year, and it will be occurring in the sign of Leo. Mercury has been in Leo since June 26 and will be retrograde from July 17 through August 10, and will remain in Leo before entering Virgo on September 2.
When Mercury is retrograde in Leo, we tend to take things a little more personally, and this Mercury retrograde is a reminder that in order to recognize the love and support we are looking for from others, we must first recognize it within us.
What To Know About Mercury Retrograde In Leo
With this Mercury retrograde happening in Leo, Leos, and fellow fire (Aries and Sagittarius) and fixed signs (Taurus and Scorpio) are going to be feeling this transit the most. This Mercury retrograde will highlight how you want to show up in the world, and if what you are presenting is what you feel authentically within you. Mercury in Leo says, speak your mind and own your voice.
Mercury retrograde in Leo, however, asks what the message you are trying to get across is in the first place, and if you are advocating for yourself enough in the process.
A rule of thumb during Mercury retrograde is to hold off on signing any important contracts or committing to something long-term, to be more careful with transportation and travel matters, and to make sure you have everything backed up when it comes to your electronics. Communication matters are the most affected while Mercury is retrograde, and it’s important to be more patient with others, give more grace, and have a sense of humor here.
Mercury Retrograde In Leo Horoscopes By Zodiac Sign
Overall, Mercury retrograde in Leo is all about self-reflection and honoring your voice with courage and conviction. You don’t have to be perfect to show up, and the person you are today is the person who is deserving of love, recognition, and support. Live your truth and shine your light, and don’t worry about whether others can see the light you have already found within yourself. It’s time to just be, show up, and let go of what doesn’t feel authentic to you.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what this Mercury retrograde has in store for you.
ARIES
With this Mercury retrograde happening in a fellow fire sign, things are hitting home for you right now, Aries, and there is a lot to process right now. Your heart wants to communicate its growth, but you can feel like your love is being misunderstood during this time as well. Your guidance for this Mercury retrograde is to recognize yourself as the powerful, valuable, and loved being you are, and to show up in life as the person you want to be seen as. It’s time to pick your head up, remember who you are, and prepare for new experiences in love to bloom from this time.
TAURUS
This Mercury retrograde is about emotionally rejuvenating, Taurus. You are ready to let go of some restrictions and limitations that have been weighing heavily on your heart, and you are taking a look at what foundations you have built that may need some reshaping right now. Dynamics change, relationships shift, people move, and it’s all about recognizing what you need to feel safer and secure in your surroundings. Your heart is open to a new beginning right now, and this energy is going to serve you well through this Mercury retrograde. Overall, it’s time to rebuild, Taurus.
GEMINI
Mercury is officially retrograde, and it’s time to go a little slower when it comes to communication, Gemini. Take your time in getting your message across, and make sure to gather all the details before making any important decisions. Mercury is your ruling planet, so whenever it is retrograde, you feel its impact a little more strongly than most; however, this time around, you have more support surrounding you, helping you through this. This retrograde is clearing the way for new ideas and creative intentions to come forth, and it’s time to own your power of creation, Gemini.
CANCER
This Mercury retrograde is here to remind you how valuable you are, Cancer. It’s helping you remember your gifts in this life, and the gift you are to others. Financially, this is the time to look over everything thoroughly and to make sure you are not making any impulsive financial moves for the time being. Old financial efforts or opportunities may be coming around for you again, however, and you might just find yourself in a better position to take them on. Overall, this Mercury retrograde for you is about being confident in yourself and what you are asking for right now, and knowing that your dreams are coming true in the exact timing and way they are meant to.
LEO
The second Mercury retrograde of the year is happening in your sign, and you are gaining the insight you have been looking for, Leo. When Mercury is retrograde in your sign, it’s time to take a step back and look at the different options presenting themselves. You are needing to readdress some old plans or initiatives, and you are getting to know yourself better in the process. This Mercury retrograde is an important moment of self-awareness for you, and you are feeling wiser and more in tune with the direction you are heading at the end of the transit. Practice self-love, and remember who you are.
VIRGO
This Mercury retrograde is asking you to go with the flow, Virgo. You are making some important achievements around the time of this retrograde, but are needing some space to fully grasp it all. Celebrations may feel like they are on hold, and you are getting a lot of time away to yourself right now. This Mercury retrograde is about healing the soul, letting go of old baggage, and allowing yourself to fully own the progress you have made emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When life feels unsure, there is one thing you can still be sure of and that is yourself. Look at the bigger picture over the next few weeks, and give yourself the time to do so.
LIBRA
This Mercury retrograde is bringing things full circle for you, Libra. You are embarking on an opportunity to get clearer on your support systems and sense of community, and dynamics are shifting when it comes to your friendships in life. You are looking at things with an open heart and mind, and creating space for new developments, resonance, and abundance to enter your world. This retrograde isn’t necessarily holding you back, rather, you are becoming more aware of what is already in front of you and the gifts you have manifested for yourself.
SCORPIO
It’s all about keeping the balance right now, Scorpio. This Mercury retrograde is highlighting your career and professional zone, and you are thinking a lot about how you are presenting yourself to the world, what you want to be known for, and the type of feedback you need. You are in a space of contemplation and may not be feeling the need to put all your energy out there or to make your ideas known right now. This retrograde is about giving yourself the opportunity to get clearer on your goals and professional intentions, and to gain the confidence and courage needed to take them on.
SAGITTARIUS
This Mercury retrograde is opening your eyes to what your heart needs right now, Sagittarius. You are connecting the dots and looking at things with a different perspective, creating more opportunities for connection and adventure. With Mercury retrograde in your house of travel over the next few weeks, extra precaution is needed on said adventures, however, there are a lot of opportunities for expansion ahead of you right now. It’s all about allowing yourself to receive what you have been looking for, and knowing that you are ready to. You have already done the work, and now it’s time to believe in what you are asking for from the world.
CAPRICORN
This Mercury retrograde feels a little more intense for you, but it’s the exact pressure you need to see things in a new light, Capricorn. Your focus is on communication, mental growth, and awareness of the things you have been putting off for another day, and it’s time to get things in order. A lot is coming to the forefront in your life during this retrograde and some important decisions are needing to be made, but you have learned the lessons needed in order to make the right decision for yourself right now. Things have been changing for you drastically this summer, and this retrograde is helping you see why.
AQUARIUS
Your guidance for this Mercury retrograde is to be kind to yourself and your heart, Aquarius. With this retrograde playing out in your opposite sign, you may feel a little bit at odds with where you find your heart right now. Relationship dynamics are shifting, and there is a sense of not feeling as understood as you need to be. This Mercury retrograde is here to highlight what your heart has been looking for and what may be in the way from feeling it. It’s a chance to regroup, find your balance, and to prioritize what is truly important to you in life.
PISCES
This Mercury retrograde is a wake-up call for you, Pisces. It’s examining where you need to shift the focus within health matters and the importance of prioritizing your well-being more. If you have been overworking yourself or exerting more of your time and energy than you have, than this retrograde will be highlighting the need to slow down. Getting more rest and downtime is essential now, and it’s all about knowing what you can say yes to and what you can’t.
Your well-being is the priority during this transit and this Mercury retrograde is guiding you in the direction towards good health and a daily routine that works for you no matter what is happening in your life.
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