How 3 Career Women Manage Their Successful Side Hustles With Full-Time Jobs
This year, the side hustle is the new black. Millennials around the country are tapping into their passions and monetizing their hobbies to find a sense of fulfillment that sometimes a 9-to-5 doesn't offer. Although side hustles have gained in popularity, the hustle isn't for the faint-hearted, especially when you are holding down a full-time job. Whether you start a non-profit, offer consulting services, or monetize your personal brand, there are sacrifices that are made to start any entrepreneurial endeavor.
Dreams are free, but the hustle is sold separately. Check out these tips from women who are successfully balancing and hustling their way to the top had to say about managing their side hustles.
Stop Procrastinating – Just Do It
Emmelie De La Cruz fell into her side hustle as her peers began to seek her advice on job hunting, resumes, and cover letters. "I was over answering the same questions about how I got my job and what did I do differently. I started The Branding Muse as a blog to answer those questions and from there, people followed my expertise through my written work and hired me for consulting opportunities. It's something that found me, but I felt there was a need for it," says Emmelie. With only a year after she graduated and launched her blog, The Branding Muse was named one of the Top 100 Websites for Your Career by Forbes in 2013.
Courtesy of Emmelie De La Cruz
Over-thinking, over-planning, and over-doubting are just a few ways we can get in our own way and slow down the process of bringing our ideas to life. “My advice is to just do it. If you have an idea just do it. As women, we have perfectionist syndrome. We always want to have everything perfect and, to me, perfection is the cousin of procrastination."
“In being successful as a side hustler, you really have to prioritize on your business fold. Focus on the activities that will help move the needle and go from there. For me, it's about what's going to make me money. I need to focus on the activities to help me do that. So if I want to sell more books, I need to focus on creating content that is going sell my books. Sometimes it's like, I haven't blogged in three weeks, but I sold 200 books. My Instagram posts are going to be about my books.
"Some people are like; 'I'm just going to blog. I'm just going to waste three hours of my week writing a blog post that I really don't want to write just because I read somewhere on the Internet that I should.' A lot of gurus talk about consistency, but, for me, I think it's more important to be valuable. My audience would prefer that I deliver a kick ass webinar every seven weeks rather than do a mediocre webinar each week. You have to learn how to accept that you don't have to pressure yourself into doing certain things in order for your business to continue to be successful," Emmelie says.
Master the Balancing Act
They say there's not enough time in one day. Juggling a professional and personal life is already tough, but adding in a side hustle can be overwhelming. Just ask Mercedes Smith, who got the idea for her side hustle, Care More, while commuting to work one day. “I noticed the homeless population was out of control. On my commute to work, I watched as numerous people passed the homeless as though they were invisible. I don't always have a dollar to give, so I thought to myself, what could I do to help and give hope," says Mercedes.
One hot summer day in August of 2014, she walked into Rite Aid and bought a bag of toiletries and started distributing toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, and lotions to the homeless, meanwhile offering words of encouragement and providing them with information to shelters or other resources. A year after founding Care More, Mercedes caught the attention of O Magazine and was featured in the October 2015 issue's “Beauty of Giving" article, which honored women who run non-profits and have dedicated their lives to helping others.
Courtesy of Mercedes Smith
“You have to be passionate about what you are doing to devote the time. What I am starting to do now that things are picking up is when my full-time job is over at 6 p.m., I start working on Care More. If I have to take a phone call during the day for Care More, I put it on my calendar and use fifteen minutes to take a call. I also use 30 minutes of my lunch break to catch up on emails, research, and social media. What it boils down to is that you really have to be passionate. After being tired from working from 9 to 6, I have to remember it's more than me. There were times that I wanted to take a break from Care More, but what keeps me motivated is knowing that this is bigger than me," Mercedes says.
Part of being balanced means knowing when it's time to push pause on your yes year. “My number one goal going into (the new year) is learning how to say, 'no'. A lot of people will be coming to you to work with you, but you have to remember the cause. If it doesn't align with the vision or what you are trying to do then it is okay to say no."
Plan Ahead or Fall Behind
Brittany Smith is a Budget Analyst for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, also known as DARPA by day, and at nights and weekends, she is a wedding and event planner based out of the D.C., Maryland and Virginia area. "I've always loved weddings and the wedding industry and I've planned events since high school. I believed that launching my weddings and events business was the next organic step to pursuing my ultimate passion," Brittany says.
Her biggest advice? Plan for the business that you want.
“Planning, planning, planning is key! Your business will only go as far as the energy and time you put into it. You have to put in the hours. If you plan accordingly, you don't have to be an entrepreneur staying up in the wee hours of the morning and then report to their full time job at 8 a.m.," Brittany says. “I usually try to plan out my weeks the Sunday before and evaluate what I have going. Based on what I have going on that week, I plan out my wedding business hours accordingly."
What keeps her head up during times when she is overwhelmed is her faith and knowing that her full-time job doesn't fulfill her passion. “I know that one day I want to take the big leap of faith, pursue my business on a full-time basis, and not have to work for someone else. In order to do that, I know I have to keep putting in the hours to make my dreams come true."
Take Advantage of Apps & Hacks to Help You Manage
For all three ladies, the key to time management is taking advantage of technology:
“The more you can make your business automated and have it do things for you without physically being there, the more money you can make and the more successful you can be," said Emmelie. Mercedes uses Buffer to help her manage Care More's social media content. “You can take the guesswork out of manually spreading out your posts overtime. Buffer feeds your content into a cue that will automatically space out messages throughout the day with a preset calendar. You can also use the analytics tab to see how well each individual message is performing."
For Emmelie, pictures speak louder than words. “The Internet is a very visual space and visual communication speaks to the value of your services. Everything that I do is accompanied with a graphic. You can insert your product in a mock up photo or template if you don't have the camera or design skills. I use Canva.com for my graphics and Pixlr is another tool. They are free tools comparable to Photoshop that have templates to create graphics," Emmelie says.
Courtesy of Emmelie De La Cruz
“I use Fiverr to find the resources to do things that I'm not good at. Be cognizant of what tasks you're good and not good at. If you're not good at doing something and you have the finances to outsource that responsibility to an expert, do so!" Brittany says.
“Evernote, you can create digital notebooks for everything from keeping track of your expenses and managing your calendar, to creating slideshow presentations and planning your next trip. Whether it's personal or business expenses, keeping track of receipts is impossible for even the most organized of people. By creating one of Evernote's digital notebooks, you're able to screenshot your receipt right after payment, making it easier to locate expenses in the future," Mercedes adds.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Originally published December 18, 2017
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Brittney Oliver is a marketing communications professional from Greater Nashville. Over the past three years, Brittney has built her platform Lemons 2 Lemonade to help Millennials turn life's obstacles around. Her platform is known for its networking mixers, which has brought over 300 NYC young professionals, entrepreneurs, and creatives together to turn life's lemons into lemonade. Brittney is a contributing writer for Fast Company and ESSENCE, among other media outlets.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images