Growing up, teachers were real-life superheros. Always organized and knew what to do, regardless of the situation. They were the forefront of the school, nurturing in nature, and social workers, educators, friends, disciplinarians, and intermittent parents all in one.
And obviously, with being in the midst of a pandemic, like most life-altering cases involving kids, teachers are most affected. Beginning in the spring of the previous school year, schools were shut down and students, parents, and teachers were thrown in virtual gauntlet—a world many of them were completely unfamiliar with.
There was minimal instruction, unclear best practices, and just plain ole uncertainty.
This made me wonder, what would they have to say about the current state of teaching? What changes have they noticed, how have their students been affected, and what good and bad shifts, in educating, have developed? To answer those questions, I found four teachers willing to discuss this newfound adjustment to pandemic learning.
Here's what they told me:
Nicole Jennings on Teaching During a Pandemic:
Courtesy of Nicole Jennings
Location: Prince George's County, Maryland
Grade: 2nd
Length of being a teacher: 8 years
On what it's like teaching during a pandemic:
Teaching during this pandemic has been such an interesting experience--full of anxiety and challenges but also victories and growth. At the beginning of the year, there were so many obstacles to overcome. Students didn't know how to use the technology they had been given. Helping my parents was an arduous task due to language barriers, lack of experience with technology, and even illiteracy in some cases. The expectations of the district were extremely overwhelming for teachers, parents and students. Trying to figure out how best to help parents and students required a lot of trial and error until I figured out routines, resources and support that worked for us.
I thought that the teaching itself would be the hardest part but I have been pleasantly surprised to find that it is the most enjoyable. I really enjoy engaging with my students on various digital platforms. So many of them caught on so quickly. I like to think of them as technology experts-in-training. In some ways it feels like my first year of teaching all over again. I have to reevaluate everything I thought I knew about teaching and modify it to fit the realities of distance learning.
I feel anxious and stressed almost every single day. It has been so much harder to maintain a healthy work/life balance this year and sometimes I feel upset that I have failed at maintaining a balance. It has been hard to accept that I can not give more than I am currently giving for the sake of my mental health and wellness. We all know that teachers are woefully overworked and underpaid. I feel it this year more than ever.
On the pros and cons of distance learning:
Prior to distance learning, lack of equity has been an ongoing issue within the education system. Many students were not getting the intervention or services they needed while in the school setting. Students are "falling behind". The achievement gap is widening every day that they are not receiving the in-person instruction they need.
The hardest part of distance learning is definitely the amount of time that has to be invested into it. It is extremely time-consuming. I feel like 75 percent of my work is done beyond duty hours, after school and on the weekends. On some days, I am up planning and creating digital lessons and assignments until 11:00pm. Daily, I find myself feeling tired, tense and frustrated.
On a more positive note, everyone involved in distance learning is growing in some sort of way. I have learned a lot about my capabilities as a teacher. I have been exposed to programs and digital platforms that I probably would've never tried. Distance learning has immersed students in the world of technology. As a teacher, it is such a good feeling to watch students grow and develop their skills and interests.
I love watching my future engineers and computer scientists discovering new things while learning through inquiry. I see their curiosity growing and their ability to problem solve strengthening. If I can successfully build positive relationships with families while providing effective instruction during distance learning, I know I can do anything.
On what she wants parents and teachers to know:
Distance learning is so hard but we are trying! Please know that teachers are putting in the work daily. We know that this is especially hard for families. We are advocating for families and doing everything we can to help our students. Know that your concerns are not going unheard. We are aggressively passing them along and fighting for you!
Please be kind with us. Check on your teacher friends. Teaching during a pandemic is taxing and not all of us are OK.
My advice for teachers is to not recreate the wheel. If there is a free Teachers Pay Teachers or Nearpod lesson you can use, use it! Take it and modify to fit the needs of your students but do not start from scratch for every single lesson. Collaborate with your teammates, divvy up the workload. If you are not departmentalized, have each teammate take a subject to plan for so that you do not have to plan for each and every subject.
Do whatever you must to lessen your workload so you can reclaim and reinvest that time back into yourself.
L'Tanya Taylor on Teaching During a Pandemic:
Courtesy of L'Tanya Taylor
Location: Houston, Texas
Grade: 8th grade ELA
Length of being a teacher: 6 years
On what it's like teaching during a pandemic:
My experience during this pandemic had been hectic to say the least. Not only am I a teacher but I'm also a single mother of two school-aged children. Balancing working from home while they attending "virtual school" was challenging, but now we are all back on campus. The workload is still heavy. The only difference is now everything is digital so the teachers and the students have a learning curve. Getting "virtual students" to actively participate has also proven to be difficult.
Many students go weeks at a time before they attempt to do the work and it puts them further behind, causing greater gaps in their learning. There are also numerous students who have been unaccounted for. They have never checked in, therefore the district has to classify them as dropouts.
On the pros and cons of distance learning:
The only pro I can think of is the incorporation of technology. COVID-19 has allotted a unique way for teachers to implement instruction that is fun and engaging. Although physical classroom instruction is best, the way we now implement that instruction looks very different. Instructional practices are limited, and students and teachers are in constant fear [of contracting the virus]. Social interactions are closely monitored and highly restricted for students and staff alike.
On what she wants parents and teachers to know:
Prior to the school year, my biggest concerns were how would I build relationships with my students and what learning gaps would need to be addressed.
But now my biggest gripe is that teachers are not on-call workers. We have our own lives and our own families. We know that students and parents have concerns (we have them too) but please respect our time and office hours. Also please be patient. This is new for everyone. We are all experiencing a learning curve.
We also need parent/guardian support. Have your child on the scheduled Zoom and Google Meet sessions. Please treat their learning time at home the same way you would if they were physically at school.
And teachers, be kind to yourself. Take care of your needs, continue to build relationships with your students. And Nearpod is a life-saver.
Jassmine Smith on Teaching During a Pandemic:
Courtesy of Jassmine Smith
Location: Atlanta, GA
Grade: 4th grade/ Special Education
Length of being a teacher: 4 years
On what it's like teaching during a pandemic:
As one can imagine, this year has been the most unique of them all. My school district is currently 100 percent online, and the model is constantly being reassessed based on the number of COVID cases. As a special education teacher, it has been very difficult adjusting to virtual teaching. The level of documentation that is being requested is insane. It has doubled since going virtual.
On the pros and cons of distance learning:
Many of my students are struggling to stay attentive during lessons, as they are not used to sitting at a computer for the majority of the day. Some students don't show up for virtual instruction at all. I have enjoyed being able to work a couple of feet from my bed, but I miss being able to see my students face-to-face. There were no two days that were the same.
On the contrary, students and teachers are becoming much more tech-savvy. Virtual learning was inevitable, but we had no clue that it would come this soon.There are a lot of educational programs that offer excellent instructional support. Additionally, I truly miss seeing my students in-person and feeding off of their energy. It is difficult for students to collaborate and complete assignments together.
Most teachers are working twice as hard as they were in-person.
On what she wants parents and teachers to know:
There were many praises exclaimed for teachers, but all I could think was, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" I thought the gratitude would have been shown by giving us a well-deserved pay increase. Instead, in my state, our pay was cut and we experienced an insurance cost increase.
I wish people knew that educators are working twice as hard to ensure that students receive the necessary instruction. In the midst of the pandemic, many districts have cut teachers' pay, and expect the same level of performance prior to the pandemic. Teachers are being evaluated on performance and students are expected to complete a standardized test, as if life has returned to normal. I personally feel that teachers are not given the grace that we are expected to give students and parents due to the pandemic.
I advise all teachers to prioritize themselves, especially in these times. We should make time to pour into ourselves so that we don't burn out by constantly pouring into others. Secondly, GIVE YOURSELF A RAISE! It is apparent that we can not wait for our states and counties to give us what we deserve. I encourage teachers to develop their passions into a side hustle. Provide yourself the lifestyle you deserve and desire.
Corine White on Teaching During a Pandemic:
Courtesy of Corine White
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Grade: 1st
Length: 2 years
On what it's like teaching during a pandemic:
Teaching during a pandemic has been tiring. Last year, school ended quickly and without much time we had to bring many resources digital. That was difficult for me because I had never taught virtually before. I was somewhat at ease because I knew that even though this was our current circumstance, it may not be for long. I was obviously wrong and now that we are expected to have Zoom school every day, testing, assignments on seesaw, and stay in constant communication with parents, it is exhausting.
On the pros and cons of distance learning:
Some pros are not having a full school day, not having to get fully dressed for the weather elements, and being able to eat whatever I want without smelling up the staff microwave. The con is that many parents and people with other professions don't quite understand the amount of work and stress that teachers are now under because of the changes.
I've been yelled at and made to feel disposable by so many parents and others that it often makes me feel like no one has our backs.
I thought the pandemic would be over in no time. I didn't think that I would be where I am now and not being able to physically go to work. I never thought that I would be teaching from a screen and trying to come up with every way to keep my scholars from falling asleep, or to stop unmuting themselves.
On what she wants parents and teachers to know:
I wish people knew that it is way more work. There's a large misconception that our jobs are easier now when, in reality, virtual learning has made our careers a lot tougher.
To other teachers out there, you are good enough. Don't get down on yourself because your students aren't understanding the material or aren't paying attention. As long as you are doing what you can, that's all you can do. Do your best not to lose sleep or not to spend time with friends/family because of work. There are teachers out there who are going through the same feelings. Reach out to them at your school or on Instagram because we are all feeling it right now.
Feature image courtesy of Jassmine Smith
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Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
GiphyI promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
GiphySomeone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
GiphyI ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
GiphySeveral years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
GiphyLast one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
____
I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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