In xoNecole's "How She Got Here", we uncover the journey of fearless, ambitious women at the top of their game with unconventional not-so-everyday careers. Instead of asking them about their careers, xoNecole dissects the hardships, rejections, and nontraditional roads traveled by these women to create the positions they have today.
Ever since I've been brought onto the REVOLT team as a freelance writer, I've had the pleasure of watching and recapping REVOLT Black News, a series spearheaded, produced, and hosted by the one and only Eboni K. Williams. As a co-host on REVOLT's hip hop talk show State of the Culture and the newest addition on Bravo TV's Real Housewives of New York City, it's amazing how she balances it all in legal affairs, entertainment and journalism, and still manages to be as snatched and professionally poised as she is. By kickstarting her broadcast career as a talk radio host for Los Angeles' KFI AM640, Eboni K. Williams set herself up for future positions as an anchor with hosting and correspondent roles for FOX Sports, NBA 2K, CBS News, HLN, CNN, and NFL Network.
Most recently, Williams announced the delivery of her "love child" that's been baking for two years, her podcast Holding Court with Eboni K. Williams. With the help of The Black Effect Podcast Network, a new partnership between iHeartMedia and Charlamagne Tha God, Williams alongside Dustin Ross, will be cross-examining mainstream news cases Law and Order-style while using her legal and entertainment lenses. With a J.D. from Loyola University New Orleans College of Law and background as a public defender and private defense lawyer, Eboni K. Williams is clearly the perfect woman for the job.
For the first installment of "How She Got Here", xoNecole spoke with the Pretty Powerful: Appearance, Substance and Success author about her recent announcement as the first Black female cast member on Real Housewives of New York, her hopes for the longevity of REVOLT Black News, and how she's never received the word "no" in her ministry. Check out our conversation below!
On ‘Holding Court with Eboni K. Williams’:
"Holding Court with Eboni K. Williams has been on my heart and head to bring to life for about two years now, so I'm thrilled that we're finally releasing and we'll be dropping every Wednesday. Holding Court is my opportunity to talk to everyday folk. We're talking to Black people, but all people who are interested in Black culture. We are talking about all of the legal going on whether it be celebrity justice or social justice stories. Everybody knows the headlines, but what does this stuff mean? That's what Holding Court gets to: it breaks down the complicated legal issues into teachable moments, and that then our audience––everyday Americans and across the world, really––can use in their everyday life. We keep this show fast-paced, informative, interesting and entertaining."
On ‘REVOLT Black News’ and how her previous roles led her here:
"Mr. [Sean] Combs decided during this pandemic that there was a clear need in the culture for an unapologetically Black lens as it relates to all breaking and important news, social justice and politics alike. Even post-election, REVOLT will maintain its commitment to REVOLT Black News because the need for a Black lens on breaking global and national news persists beyond this election. My hope and intention for this show is to continue to meet the needs of our people.
"I take my skills as a trained litigator coming from the criminal law court and then I apply that skill set of being extremely intellectually curious, of having a stronghold knowledge of law and justice in our society, of understanding how Blackness and minority status impact law and justice in our society, for our people in our community. Then, I add my lens that I acquired during news in my broadcasting career. You add all of that up - my experience as an attorney, news anchor, and as a political and legal analyst - I bring all of that to REVOLT Black News. Every week, our audience is getting as close to a 360-perspective on the issues as possible."
On how her fields align with her life purpose:
"I knew I wanted to be an attorney when I was five or six years old and that was largely because my mother, at a very young age, found herself in a bit of trouble and unfortunately just did not have the resources [and] had no support as to how to navigate a very complicated legal system. She was a very young woman with a nonviolent offense; she was a first-time offender and she was incarcerated and separated from me for a year of my early life. That's a lot and what I learned very early is who represents you at that trial and in that courtroom matters and the consequences are high. I decided to be an attorney at that point because I wanted to be a voice for the voiceless, I wanted to be an advocate, I wanted to understand these things so there would be less young people, young Black people and young Black women being unfairly and disproportionately punished as my mother was.
"I transitioned to broadcasting about ten years ago because it wasn't good enough for me to be on the inside helping just one client at a time because it's a very slow-moving process. I needed to transition to a larger microphone [by] entering talk radio and then to television, so there was a very wide access point to the knowledge and information required in our country to be able to deal with the criminal justice system."
Official 'Holding Court with Eboni K. Williams' Podcast Artwork
Eboni K. Williams/GP Media
On a typical day as Eboni K. Williams:
"Let's just go with today. First and foremost, I'm a businesswoman, so I had to do some business. On an upcoming episode on Holding Court with Eboni K. Williams, we talk about how as creatives, it's very easy to get caught up in being the talent because that can be the fun part, but you have to be tight on the business. Top of the morning, I opened up with doing housekeeping business, creating invoices, distributing those to vendors who require my services for public speaking or other content that I create. Then, I transition to some phone calls with my team which includes my publicist, my podcast consultant, my digital manager, all the people that make this thing work with me.
"I did some fantastic press interviews with outlets that wanted to talk to me about being the first Black housewife of Real Housewives of New York as well as Holding Court with Eboni K. Williams. Then, it was time to create content so I went ahead and went to a studio to record some pickups, the docket, and social media teasers. I came back and had a Board of Directors meeting for Safe Horizon, and then I had a couple press interviews including this lovely one I'm having with you."
On the major challenges she encountered when she first broke into her career:
"As far as the challenges in law, I don't want to overstate what the challenges of that were. This is what you would expect with being young, Black and a woman. Of course, you go into courtrooms and people think you're the paralegal or the secretary. I don't know that that's uncommon. It sucks and it's sh*tty, but I was totally prepared for that.
"Breaking into broadcasting in general has had challenges in the sense two-fold: I didn't go to journalism school, I didn't come from Columbia J-School, so entering CBS News as a national correspondent was a big deal and it was very difficult. I cut my teeth, wasn't quite good when I got there and it was humbling going from being at the top of my game as an attorney to starting over in a new profession. When you decide to transition careers, which I have done several times throughout my trajectory, you're gonna eat some humble pie at various points. You're not gonna be good, so don't even expect to be, but what you can expect to do is get better and better."
"When you decide to transition careers, which I have done several times throughout my trajectory, you're gonna eat some humble pie at various points. You're not gonna be good, so don't even expect to be, but what you can expect to do is get better and better."
On bouncing back from major mistakes in her career:
"I can't say, knock on wood, that I've made a major mistake that I couldn't bounce back from. What I have done in my career is make major consequential choices that I knew would be devastating to the sustaining of that particular role. For example, during my time at FOX News, I made a choice to write and deliver something called "Eboni's Docket" about President Trump's, in my opinion, dangerous and cowardly response to Charlottesville. When I did that, I knew it would more or less be the wrap of my career at FOX News and it was a totally calculated decision. I knew that in that moment and at that time, if I was going to be on that network, if I did not say what I said, I shouldn't be there. It was that simple. I did it, I knew it would have great consequences for the rest of my tenure at FOX News, and I was fine with that because that's exactly how it played out."
On turning a big ‘no’ into a resounding ‘yes’:
"Girl, I get told 'no' everyday a million times and it's fine. The biggest 'no' I got last month was when I was up for a massive platform, that you, me and everyone else watches, and close to it, but no, they went with another incredible talent. That sucks, but my faith system is strong. Finally, I've totally surrendered to it and it took me a while to say, 'I'm type A, I can be controlling, and God really is at play at a higher level.' It has taken well into my late 30s to surrender to that. Now, I trust him emphatically.
"When I get told 'no' on major projects that I've prayed for, hoped for, knew was for me, and clearly God had another plan, I was disappointed but I wasn't as devastated as I would have been early in my career. I just was like, 'It would have been great, but clearly there's something at play that I can't even see that God is looking at and I'm actually going to trust it.' Didn't know what it was at that time and literally three weeks later, I got the call about RHONY so it was all good."
On self-discovery as a career woman:
"I can't do it alone––I think that's what I learned about myself. I am an only child, my mother's a single mother and I've lived a very chosen isolated existence professionally. When I practiced law, I've been at firms and on teams, but ultimately it's you in that court. It's not like a team of lawyers. What I now learned about myself and was made to learn about myself if I want to plateau at mediocrity, good; I can continue to do it that way in a vacuum. If indeed I'm serious about ascending to the highest level of my career in this profession and doing things that have never been done before, I gotta figure out how to create a team, work with a team, and sustain a team with my leadership."
On whether ambition, creativity or confidence is the most important quality in her career:
"Confidence. Bar none, and it's because confidence is a result of competence. When you are competent at what you do - I don't care what you're doing - you will be confident in it. Ambition is the desire to be great, but who cares? Desire means nothing unless you have the competence to support it."
On advice she has for women who want to pursue a similar career path:
"Stay in the game. Very simple. Who cares about a 'no'? Everybody gets 'no': Oprah gets 'no', Obama gets 'no', LeBron gets 'no'. It's the 'yes' that you're looking for and in pursuit of. You can't get to the 'yes' if you take yourself out of commission and out of the game. Hang around the hoop, work on your drills, and work on that competence so it will give you the confidence that executives and partners are looking for in creatives."
Eboni K. Williams/GP Media
"You can't get to the 'yes' if you take yourself out of commission and out of the game. Hang around the hoop, work on your drills, and work on that competence so it will give you the confidence that executives and partners are looking for in creatives."
On how she got here:
"Somebody prayed for me and somebody's still praying for me. My mother prayed for me before I was born."
On being the first Black housewife on 'Real Housewives of New York':
"RHONY is way behind. The fact that there were 12 seasons of this show without a single Black housewife is diserroneous and just egregious. I think there has been a very deliberate effort on the parts of Andy Cohen and Bravo to remedy that. The fact that they ultimately chose me, I'm honored and very humbled by that. I don't take it lightly at all. I think it's a very benevolent and important responsibility that I have to represent not only myself as an individual, but Black womanhood. I will not be trying to seek perfection, I'm human and I'm not perfect, but I will be constantly putting forth every effort to show and see Black excellence on this platform and in life."
For more of Eboni K. Williams, follow her on Instagram. Holding Court with Eboni K. Williams is now available and streaming on all platforms. Tune into REVOLT Black News every Thursday at 9 PM EST on YouTube to see Eboni K. Williams in action as host and executive producer.
Featured Image Provided by GP Media/Eboni K. Williams.
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Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
GiphyI promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
GiphySomeone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
GiphyI ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
GiphySeveral years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
GiphyLast one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
____
I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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