Passion.
Purpose.
Do you feel it when you clock into work everyday? When those two things can't be found in the work we do, we reevaluate whether we have chosen the right career paths for ourselves. Some of us get to the point where we fall out of love with our careers or we discover that want we wanted to do for the rest of our lives isn't the right fit for us. We start to panic wondering if it's too late to start all over again or if it is even worth it?
It's never too late to switch careers. Many women are switching careers and embarking on new paths to fulfill their passions, accommodate their lifestyle and to live in their own truths. Discover how three women were able to make drastic changes to their career and lifestyle in order to align their career goals with their purpose.
Despite the skepticism their family and friends may have, these women are betting on themselves.
"My Passion Made Me Leave Corporate America."
Wanting to impact change in the world and equip children with STEM skills and opportunity enticed Kelley O. Williams to switch careers. Kelley, her sister Jessica and her mother Rachel joined forces to create their family business, Paige & Paxton, which offers children's books, elementary curriculum and professional development focused around STEM. Before becoming an entrepreneur, Kelley was the Assistant Vice President of Social Media at J.P. Morgan Chase and oversaw the social content strategy Chase Community Giving, the largest social property at the firm with 3.7 million followers across all platforms. She decided to switch her career as she saw the Paige & Paxton brand grow including the recent contract to work with the Chicago School System.
“I did not take the same precautions I would advise people who are preparing to make the switch from a full time gig to entrepreneurship. I had a significant amount of money saved, good credit, and the ability to live rent-free while I transitioned over to full time entrepreneurship. I actually did not prep and plan to change careers. It felt like the right moment to act, and I was emotionally and mentally prepared, so I did it," Kelley shares.
She let the negativity roll off her back when some of the people close to her did not agree with her decision. “I never took it too personally, because I know that my family and friends mean well, and the nervous and negative reactions just served as a source of motivation for me," Kelley shared.
What helps her shake the negativity away is knowing and understanding her purpose. “A child interested in baseball will make their parents send him to baseball camp. A child who wants to be a ballerina will finagle dance lessons. I know that parents and educators will be more open to committing the resources to children who demonstrate an interest in learning STEM concepts. Whether your parent is an engineer in Silicon Valley or not, I want to ensure that all children understand the breadth of opportunities available to them when someone asks the question 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'" Kelley shared.
Since leaving J.P. Morgan Chase, Kelley had to figure out how to gain credibility for her expertise without having a big name to back her. “When you have a corporate title and brand behind your name, it's really easy for people to gauge who you are. You don't need to prove your credibility as much. I had to rework my identity for the first time in a long time, but now I love what I do and what I stand for so much more," she says.
"I had to rework my identity for the first time in a long time."
In addition to building the brand she experience typically start-up woes. “Like most startups, the biggest challenge has been timely access to capital. It's something that we have to manage constantly so that we can continue to grow the business. Another challenge is balancing marketing and sales with product, content development and production," Kelley adds. Her advice for making that switch to becoming an entrepreneur is to seek advice, but stays true to your purpose. “Always seek the advice of good counsel, because every time you open the door to what you are going through you will find better solutions and feel less alone in the entrepreneurial journey. However, you should also trust your instinct. You know your business and customer better than anyone else," Kelley says.
"My Circumstances Changed My Career Path."
That moment when you make the decision to switch careers can be affected by circumstances, like it did with Ka'Lyn Banks. The 25-year-old thought that her passion was in education. After graduation, she became a preschool teacher at charter school in Washington, D.C. "I was let go from the school for being too vocal about the lack of education and diversity amongst other things and that is when I realized I don't belong in a classroom with small children. I still love to teach, but I know that I need to work with adults," Ka'Lyn said.
Discovering that she desired a platform where she could discuss and advocate on issues of her choice, she decided to pursue a career in digital media as a consultant. After becoming unemployed, Ka'Lyn struggled with the decision to switch careers. “I had been dealing with depression and had to start therapy. Unemployment amongst other things can take a toll on the mind. I found myself often times blaming myself for losing my job and being forced [somewhat] to switch careers," Ka'Lyn said.
Not everyone will be in support of your desire to switch careers. Sometimes people won't understand your desire to make a change. Switching careers can be a difficult decision, especially when it affects your income and changes your lifestyle.
"Not everyone is going to understand your decision to change careers"
Ka'Lyn fiancé's support and assistance with bills as well as the encouragement from friends, kept her from falling apart. Not everyone is going to understand your decision to change careers. Especially, when you set off to become an entrepreneur. “[My parents] are still not 100% sure if they understand why I am not working a traditional 9-5 job with health benefits and a corner office," Ka'Lyn said.
Although her switch was difficult Ka'Lyn learned some valuable lessons. “My advice is to protect your energy because people will drain you dry with their comments, opinions, unsolicited advice and negativity. Also, save money before you make the switch. I don't have a special dollar amount but even having an extra $20 dollars will help on the day you need something," Ka'Lyn shared.
"I Wanted To Walk My Own Path & Not My Parents'."
Bianca (left)
Some of us have family members who create our career paths from birth. They've prepped and molded us to become one thing, but your heart wants to do another. That's what happened to Bianca Jeanty when she switched her career course from pre-med to advertising. “In school I was studying behavioral sciences and I thought I would move forward by going into medical school or something in the health field. My family is from the Caribbean. They are Haitian and they were like are you going to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer? What are you going to be?" Bianca said.
She returned to college after a sabbatical from school to finish up her senior year, Bianca knew she did not want to pursue a career in the health industry. Per the advice from her mentors and peers, she completed her behavioral science degree, but she knew she had a long road ahead to break into the media world. “I made it my business to find the resources that I needed to get where I am today. I talked to the right people so that I could understand the industry and be able to use the language to talk up what I want to do," Bianca says. After taking on a variety of paid and volunteer opportunities to gain the experience and skills that she would need to break into the media world, she finally was offered a job in advertising. Now Bianca is working in the field that she tenaciously pursued and paying it forward as the Co-Founder of Minorities in Media digital hub.
“Bet on yourself! That's my advice. I loved the jobs that I had prior to this one, but no one was going to get me the advertising role that I wanted except for me. You can do so much more than you think you can," Bianca says.
"You can do so much more than you think you can."
No matter the circumstances that may lead you to consider switching careers, the decision is only yours to choose.
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“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
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"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy