

How To Focus Less On Who You Attract In Dating & More On Who You Entertain
The law of attraction is tricky. A few years ago, I felt something was deeply wrong with me because I kept attracting people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to fix myself, and alter my energy, the same type of people kept coming my way. I'd talk to my friends about it and ask them, "Why do I keep attracting this type of person? Why do I keep having the same experiences?"
It took me a while to realize that the biggest thing I was doing "wrong" was not recognizing the power I had in choosing the people I let into my life. Blaming myself for the people I was "attracting" was pointless because I had no power or control over who was attracted to me. None of us do.
Instead of asking ourselves, "Why do I keep attracting this type of person?" we should try asking, "Why do I continue to give energy to people who show signs of not being a good fit for me?"
To have healthier and more fulfilling relationships, we must be intentional about who we entertain and make space for in our lives. We have to own our decision to continue patterns with people because they provide us with a familiar discomfort we’ve become accustomed to settling for. While we aren't responsible for the way people treat us, we are responsible for understanding why we decide to stay.
So, how do we lay the foundation for choosing the right people?
1. Show up as yourself.
When we first meet someone, it's tempting to show up as our representative or be the person we think someone is looking for. To find people we're compatible with, we must be brave enough to be ourselves, even if that means not being liked or accepted. As long as we find the courage to radically love, value, and accept ourselves, we put ourselves in the position to meet people with whom we can sustain healthy and meaningful relationships.
2. Build a relationship with yourself.
Being disconnected from ourselves can make it hard to be connected with other people. Learning to love, honor, and respect ourselves helps us create a strong foundation for building healthy relationships with other people. When we feel safe with ourselves, we'll feel more confident when putting ourselves out there to get to know others. When we begin having conflicts, which is guaranteed to happen whenever people get to know each other, we'll be able to communicate our needs and boundaries to increase intimacy in the relationship. If the relationship doesn't work out, we're less likely to blame ourselves and more likely to trust that we can make more fulfilling connections in the future.
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3. Don't be afraid to look "needy."
Sometimes we're afraid to ask for what we need to feel safe or comfortable in a relationship because we fear looking "needy." When we present as "needless," we end up in a community with people that like being around us because we don't ask for anything. As a result, the relationships become one-sided as they grow more comfortable and content with not doing anything for us. As the relationship progresses, we attempt to let our needs be known and grow resentful as our requests go unnoticed. Being open about our needs helps us discover people we're compatible with in friendship and romance. Having needs is one of the things that makes us human, and some of these needs can only be filled when we're in relationships with other people. Remember, sometimes you're not asking for too much; you're simply asking the wrong person.
4. Let people unfold.
Sometimes we commit to people too quickly. We become captivated with the idea of someone, and when the truth of that person is revealed, we are disappointed, or worse, we're in denial. Natalie Lou, the author of the Baggage Reclaim Series, always reminds readers that "people unfold." Over the course of getting to know someone, we may discover signs that unveil incompatibility. If we're not careful, we'll overlook those signs and keep moving forward because we don't want to be wrong about someone.
We don't want to be alone again. We don't want to stop being friends with someone. But, in the end, we hurt our own feelings by choosing to deny the reality of our situation. We also draw out the ending of what would likely be an unfulfilling relationship. The more time we spend engaging with people we aren't compatible with, the less time we spend connecting with people we fit well with.
5. Choose people that choose you.
Stop chasing after people who are running away from you. Some of us learned that we were difficult to love, and we internalized that our relationships would be challenging and filled with uneasiness. When we receive mixed signals, crumbs of attention, or poor treatment, we're prepared to fight and perform to sustain the relationship and prove ourselves. Our nervous system gets triggered, and we mistake those feelings of uncertainty for attraction and love. But that's not love, and we are worthy and deserving of so much more.
We deserve mutuality. We deserve to be around people who want to be with us as much as we want to be with them. We shouldn't be in a state of constantly questioning if someone is as invested as we are, nor should we be performing for love. Choose people that choose you—no forcing, no begging.
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6. Become comfortable with impermanence.
Everyone you meet and build a relationship with won't stay in your life forever, and that's okay. Everyone isn't meant to stay. Sometimes we try to prevent people from leaving or refuse to walk away because we're uncomfortable with endings. More importantly, we're uncomfortable with what endings say about us. By trying to control whether or not people stay, we're attempting to control the uncontrollable. It's a losing game, and we end up hurting ourselves and others in the process. Longevity in a relationship is not an indicator of health or fulfillment, nor does it serve as a reflection of our worthiness.
7. Stop making excuses for people.
When we feel unlovable, we can have a strong desire to stop other people from feeling the same way. We'll try to accommodate, justify and tolerate unacceptable behavior in other people because we don't want to be mean or reject people. We aren't responsible for protecting other people from rejection or disappointment. If we're being honest, sometimes we struggle with the idea of rejecting someone because we don't want to deal with the pain of being rejected and assume others can't handle it either. When people hurt us, we lean into being too understanding instead of assessing the relationship and establishing boundaries. Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for someone else's behavior in hopes that if you take responsibility, you can evoke change. Part of being in healthy relationships and establishing respect is showing others you have the strength and courage to protect yourself.
Taking responsibility for our lives is scary, but it's where healing begins. While we can't be in control of everything, we can exercise our power to choose. Letting people into our lives isn't a passive activity. The relationships we choose to pour energy into play a significant role in our happiness and well-being. Give yourself the love, compassion, and foundation you need to choose wisely.
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Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
Oprah Told Gayle King To Stop Asking For Jay-Z Interview: ‘I Couldn’t Let It Go’
Jay-Z has mastered an air of mystique. With a rap career that spans three decades, the Brooklyn native has managed to weave in and out of the public spotlight, making his rare interview appearances eagerly anticipated.
When you’ve managed to reach billionaire status at the rightful age of 50 and are married to the greatest female artist of our generation, you can grow accustomed to letting your resume speak for itself. But in late October, the music mogul shed his discretion and joined CBS This Morning co-host Gayle King for an in-depth interview while touring his "The Book of HOV" exhibit at the Brooklyn Public Library.
JAY-Z weighs in on "$500,000 in cash or lunch with JAY-Z" debate: "You've gotta take the money"
In the exclusive interview, the 4:44 rapper discussed his extensive body of work, detailed his active involvement in criminal justice reform, and gave rare, personal insights on the cultural impact of his wife, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, and their daughter Blue Ivy, joining her mom on the Renaissance World Tour this year.
During his sitdown with King, the Roc Nation owner settled the viral internet debate of “Would you rather have one meal with Jay-Z and pick his brain, or get $500,000 cash?” To which he simply advised fans to take the cash.
“You gotta take the money,” he said. “What am I gonna say?”
Internet debate aside, you might be surprised to learn that this coveted conversation with the goated hitmaker almost didn’t happen.
The morning show host caught up with Scott Evans from Access Hollywood recently and shared that her interview with Jay-Z may not have happened had she heeded the advice of her friend, Oprah Winfrey.
"You know he doesn't like to do interviews, and I was shameless," King told Evans. "I just groveled [so much] that it became embarrassing."
“Even Oprah said, ‘You are making a damn fool of yourself. Stop asking him. He doesn’t want to do it.’ But I couldn’t let it go, because he never said no, no, no – he just kept delaying, delaying, delaying."
Despite Oprah's initial suggestion that he was being “polite” by not saying no, King persisted in her request to interview Hov and expressed gratitude for his eventual participation."
Oprah said he’s just being polite because he doesn’t want to tell you no, but I kept coming back,” King continued. “I don’t know why he said yes or why he changed his mind… I’m just grateful that he did."
It’s safe to say that fans and admirers of Jay Z are grateful for King’s persistence. Without it, we’d have one less opportunity to gain insight into the rapper’s life as a proud husband and father and preserve his legacy.
To commemorate Gayle King’s noteworthy entry into Hov’s interview hall of fame, we’ve put together a list of his most iconic interview moments.
Jay Z's Classic 2013 Interview on The Breakfast Club:
The Breakfast Club had a nearly hour-long conversation with the mogul about music, family, and much more.
Jay-Z in Conversation with Dean Baquet of The New York Times
The rapper and music mogul discusses therapy, marriage, and politics with The New York Times's executive editor.
Jay-Z on 'My Next Guest Needs No Introduction' with David Letterman
Jay-Z appeared on David Letterman's Netflix series My Next Guest Needs No Introduction and gave his views on the Trump administration.
Jay-Z Joins Kevin Hart on Peacock’s 'Hart to Hart'
Hip-hop legend Jay-Z sits down with Kevin Hart to discuss how self-confidence and Muhammad Ali's influence on his life.
Jay-Z’s One-on-One Interview with CNN
CNNMoney's full interview with the hip-hop mogul about everything from his new book to Obama to how he makes money.
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Featured image via CBS