Why I No Longer Believe In The Phrase ‘Love Yourself Or Nobody Will’
I've always had a soft spot for broken people because these are the ones who need love the most. How often do we hear stories of beautiful, successful people who struggle with loving themselves?
I knew a girl who lost her confidence early in her life due to just one guy in her class telling her that she had ugly hair. Even though the majority of her classmates and people in the school thought she was very pretty, all it took was that one situation to break her.
Throughout high school and college, she struggled with building and maintaining relationships and friendships despite her amazing personality. Her issues with self-love, combined with other things, made it difficult for her to accept that others loved and cared for her. She struggled with trust, pushed others away, and was often involved in fights with people that were once close to her. It was evident that her lack of self-love and acceptance played a part in ruining her relationships. People around the way would say, "She needs to love herself or she's never gonna find anybody." It seemed, at least to me, that society had deemed her as unlovable.
Plot twist: That girl is now a woman and is in a healthy, stable marriage to the love of her life. She did not go through any drastic changes before meeting her husband. She was still struggling with the same issues within herself that had plagued her for a decade.
I shared this true story to make a very important statement to society:
The belief that a person is unlovable without self-love and unable to give love is toxic.
I am at a point where I am completely annoyed with the statement, "Love yourself or nobody will." It has been around for decades and is a staple in black culture and ideologies. Rapper J. Cole used it as a lyric in his song "Crooked Smile". Self-love refers to confidence, self-esteem and taking care of yourself. However, just because someone struggles with this, it doesn't mean that they can't be loved. Who the hell taught us that this was true?
The major problem I have is that this belief insinuates the idea of perfectionism, as if humans aren't prone to insecurities...
…especially in a society that lives and breathes on social media, a platform that breeds self-comparisons. As a therapist, I have teenage and adult clients who struggle with self-love and acceptance. I started thinking, I would never tell them they won't find anyone to love them if they don't completely love themselves at this moment. In fact, that's the last thing that I would ever tell them. When I find people struggling with self-love, they really need love the most— not to be told that they won't find love if they don't love themselves. That way of thinking is negative and won't help at all.
After watching a video where the legendary actress Jada Pinkett-Smith discussed her relationship woes with her husband Will, I further realized how the belief is simply not true. Jada Pinkett-Smith reflected on her behavior in her 20s (which is when she met and married Will), stating, "I was a mess!" She shared some of her personal struggles, and I'm sure most people would say that she probably didn't love herself completely at that time. Yet, one of the finest and most famous men in the world fell in love with her and all her issues, and she is still married to that man today! This proves that men and women, regardless of how much self-love is present, can still give and receive love.
Just like a relationship or friendship is a journey you take with another person, self-love is a journey you take with yourself.
On this journey, there are periods where it may be super high or we may not have it at all. But there's no way in hell that we're unlovable or can't be loved if we're going through a phase where our self-love meter is on E. Loving a person requires us to still show love to our partner whether they're feeling highly about themselves or not.
There was an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air where Vivian stood examining herself in the mirror then somberly asked her husband Phil, who stood behind her, "Do you think I'm pretty? This is a question that evolves from some level of insecurity or low self-acceptance. Phil's response was very reassuring for Vivian. This moment between Phil and Vivian was so human and real, and showed how you can love someone through their self-love journey.
Perhaps we should reframe the phrase to, "Love yourself so you feel secure in relationships." Not only is this the truth, it doesn't add brokenness to those with an already fragile sense of self. I don't understand how we've carried this belief for years without it being examined.
The belief is nothing more than a breeding ground for conditional love.
Society has placed false stipulations and criteria on what a person needs in order to be loved, but that is the opposite of unconditional love. While it may be difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with someone lacking in self-love, it is possible to do, and it is possible to love that person. If you can't love someone because they're not displaying the amount of self-love that you think they should be, then you may not know what love is.
Originally published on Everything Girls Love
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy