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How To Release The Desire To Be Perfect & Embrace Being A "Newbie"
The top of the year has a way of energizing us to try our hand at new hobbies or skills that pique our interest. Whether it’s an activity that helps fill our free time or enhances our personal development, there’s a certain joy and wonder that comes along with the newness. But once the novelty of the initial excitement begins to fade, it’s easy to lose motivation when thoughts of “not being good enough” start to slip in.
Still, that doesn’t mean it’s time to quit and give up entirely — in fact, it’s all more the reason to lean into the joy of being a newbie.
When embarking on something new, such as a project or endeavor, managing initial discomfort and self-doubt can be facilitated by two key factors: mindset and planning. According to Erin James, life strategist and coach, our mindset helps to cultivate a positive attitude and belief in our abilities, while planning entails outlining steps and strategies to navigate challenges effectively.
These two elements are crucial in overcoming initial obstacles and building confidence in the face of the unknown.
Being an adult beginner at something new
“First, you must go into it knowing that you will have moments of feeling uncomfortable, unsure, hesitant, and maybe even scared,” James tells xoNecole. “You’ll have moments where you feel like you made a mistake or can’t succeed in this new venture, but simultaneously, you need to trust and believe in yourself.”
He continues, “You have to embrace those moments and acknowledge that they are self-doubt, not facts. If you understand that these thoughts and moments will occur ahead of time, then you can manage them as they pop up and not let them control you. You can push past any discomfort or self-doubt with the rest mindset.”
While possessing the right mindset is important, it’s necessary to have a plan to lean on when treading unfamiliar waters in each new space. James says that maintaining motivation can be challenging when faced with the awkwardness and – that comes with being a beginner. We want to be good at what we’re doing, as soon as we start doing it, but that’s not always the reality. It’s in this case that the most effective motivator is to remain focused on the end goal.
“It’s easy to lose motivation when things seem both consistent and impossible. The best motivator will be to keep the end goal in mind,” he says. “You have to remember it’s a journey with a long path. It won’t always be exciting or progressive and it may feel pointless to keep going but if you keep the end goal in mind rather than judging yourself only on day-to-day accomplishments, it will be easier to keep going.”
It may come as a surprise that there are hidden benefits to embracing the mindset of a beginner. This concept is related to what’s known as the Dunning-Kruger effect, a cognitive bias in which individuals with low ability in a particular area tend to overestimate their own skill level. It argues that people who lack knowledge or competence in a certain domain often mistakenly believe that they are much more competent than they actually are.
Conversely, those with higher levels of competence in a given area may underestimate their abilities because they are more aware of the complexities and nuances involved. Essentially, this highlights the paradox: those who know the least tend to think they know the most, while those who know the most may doubt their own abilities.
Simply put: it’s better to remain open to learning something new at every stage of the journey.
There’s only one road to becoming an expert at the hobbies, activities, and skills that we put our hands to and that’s by first being a rookie. Even the mere fact that you're attempting to try your hand at something new and journeying through unfamiliar territories is a testament to one’s openness to novelty and the process that comes with it. While you were the person you were when you started the journey, after sticking to the process you're bound to become a new and improved version of yourself.
Release perfection and enjoy the journey.
“Accept from the start that it will be challenging and you will have many moments where you feel like a failure,” James says. “Use your brain and trust your gut, it will usually help you avoid mistakes.”
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Featured image by Duangporn/Getty Images
Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."