The top of the year has a way of energizing us to try our hand at new hobbies or skills that pique our interest. Whether it’s an activity that helps fill our free time or enhances our personal development, there’s a certain joy and wonder that comes along with the newness. But once the novelty of the initial excitement begins to fade, it’s easy to lose motivation when thoughts of “not being good enough” start to slip in.
Still, that doesn’t mean it’s time to quit and give up entirely — in fact, it’s all more the reason to lean into the joy of being a newbie.
When embarking on something new, such as a project or endeavor, managing initial discomfort and self-doubt can be facilitated by two key factors: mindset and planning. According to Erin James, life strategist and coach, our mindset helps to cultivate a positive attitude and belief in our abilities, while planning entails outlining steps and strategies to navigate challenges effectively.
These two elements are crucial in overcoming initial obstacles and building confidence in the face of the unknown.
Being an adult beginner at something new
“First, you must go into it knowing that you will have moments of feeling uncomfortable, unsure, hesitant, and maybe even scared,” James tells xoNecole. “You’ll have moments where you feel like you made a mistake or can’t succeed in this new venture, but simultaneously, you need to trust and believe in yourself.”
He continues, “You have to embrace those moments and acknowledge that they are self-doubt, not facts. If you understand that these thoughts and moments will occur ahead of time, then you can manage them as they pop up and not let them control you. You can push past any discomfort or self-doubt with the rest mindset.”
While possessing the right mindset is important, it’s necessary to have a plan to lean on when treading unfamiliar waters in each new space. James says that maintaining motivation can be challenging when faced with the awkwardness and – that comes with being a beginner. We want to be good at what we’re doing, as soon as we start doing it, but that’s not always the reality. It’s in this case that the most effective motivator is to remain focused on the end goal.
“It’s easy to lose motivation when things seem both consistent and impossible. The best motivator will be to keep the end goal in mind,” he says. “You have to remember it’s a journey with a long path. It won’t always be exciting or progressive and it may feel pointless to keep going but if you keep the end goal in mind rather than judging yourself only on day-to-day accomplishments, it will be easier to keep going.”
It may come as a surprise that there are hidden benefits to embracing the mindset of a beginner. This concept is related to what’s known as the Dunning-Kruger effect, a cognitive bias in which individuals with low ability in a particular area tend to overestimate their own skill level. It argues that people who lack knowledge or competence in a certain domain often mistakenly believe that they are much more competent than they actually are.
Conversely, those with higher levels of competence in a given area may underestimate their abilities because they are more aware of the complexities and nuances involved. Essentially, this highlights the paradox: those who know the least tend to think they know the most, while those who know the most may doubt their own abilities.
Simply put: it’s better to remain open to learning something new at every stage of the journey.
There’s only one road to becoming an expert at the hobbies, activities, and skills that we put our hands to and that’s by first being a rookie. Even the mere fact that you're attempting to try your hand at something new and journeying through unfamiliar territories is a testament to one’s openness to novelty and the process that comes with it. While you were the person you were when you started the journey, after sticking to the process you're bound to become a new and improved version of yourself.
Release perfection and enjoy the journey.
“Accept from the start that it will be challenging and you will have many moments where you feel like a failure,” James says. “Use your brain and trust your gut, it will usually help you avoid mistakes.”
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Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Tasha Smith On Why Your Self-Worth Is Your Greatest Asset In Relationships
If the definition of BOOM needed a photo next to it, it better be Tasha Smith’s face.
Tasha Smith, 53, the actress known for her captivating performances and outspoken personality, has become a beloved figure in the entertainment industry. Her portrayal of the fierce and fabulous Angela in the hit movie Why Did I Get Married? is nothing short of iconic.
Beyond her role in the Tyler Perry film, Smith has established herself as a versatile actress with a range of impressive credits to her name. She has consistently delivered powerful performances in both film and television, showcasing her ability to embody complex characters and bring their stories to life.
Off-screen, Smith is equally captivating. She is known for her candid and outspoken nature, never shying away from speaking her truth. Her authenticity and willingness to address important issues have made her a role model for many.
Lucky for us, she brings that authentic energy no matter the occasion. Tasha had us saying “Amen” and “Amen again” while listening to a resurfaced interview with Donni Wiggins on theFully Transparent podcast. There, she talked about starring in Bad Boys: Ride or Die, working with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, and being a powerhouse.
One commenter shared, “Tasha Smith needs to have her own talk show and or motivational conferences!” and we couldn’t agree more. Keep reading for some gems that stuck with us!
Tasha Smith On Self-Worth and Resilience:
“Don’t let any man burn you out or make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t take 'no' from anybody. Period. I mean it, honey. When things go wrong, don’t stay down for too long. Let the comeback be quick and big, honey. Big. We’re resilient. We are.”
On Understanding Your Value:
“You have to understand your value. Sometimes, when things don’t go right in relationships, we, as women, tend to blame ourselves. But why does that have to be the case? I remember talking to a woman who said her guy cheated on her. I told her, ‘He didn’t think he was good enough for you.’ She looked at me confused, and I said it again, ‘He cheated because he didn’t think he was good enough for you.’ That behavior has nothing to do with you—it’s about him trying to feel better about himself.”
On The Power of Boundaries:
“If we understood our value, we’d have more boundaries, and we wouldn’t accept so much. You know what I mean? Because, honestly, we create bad behavior by what we allow. Women ask, ‘Why does he keep doing that?’ Well, because you keep letting him. The apologies are working, and those apologies come with more demonic ones.”
On Breaking the Cycle of “Sorry”:
“Once you get delivered from one 'sorry,' if you keep the door open, more will come in—stronger and harder to overcome. Before you know it, you’re stuck in that 'sorry' space. If you truly understood your value, you’d be quicker to walk away.”
On Moving Forward with Self-Respect:
“For me, at this point in my life, I’m not spinning the block anymore. You can’t just keep spinning the block. You have to have self-respect, boundaries, and a sense of your own worth. If you don’t value yourself, trust and believe a man won’t value you either.”
Watch the podcast interview in full below:
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