If you or someone you know is allowing self-doubt to stifle their success, Michelle Obama is here to remind you that issa lie. I don't know who needs to hear this, but all of the ugly, non-productive, invalidating self-talk that happens internally is false as f*ck and in actuality, you are the only one who is stopping you from walking in your greatness. OK, I lied. I know exactly who needs to hear this––it's me.
As a self-proclaimed goal junkie, I constantly struggle with proving my worth without realizing that I'm a whole prize in these streets and in 2020, I've decided that enough is enough. If you, too, battle with chronic imposter syndrome and are looking to level up your mentality, our good sis and Forever First Lady had a word that will help you leave self-doubt where it met you and kick your hustle into overdrive. As a speaker on the Obama Foundation Leaders: Asia-Pacific panel in Kuala Lumpur last month, Michelle, who has struggled with imposter syndrome herself, broke down how the cycle actually starts:
"Because you've been told that you're not good enough, when you're in a room, you're wondering, 'Well, how did I get here if I've been told I'm not good enough?' Women feel it oftentimes because society says you shouldn't be doing that. Right? So you feel like an imposter in your own life. You feel like, especially if you've achieved success or you're in rooms that you're not supposed to be in because society has told you that, you think maybe somebody's going to discover that I shouldn't be here."
While this feeling of inferiority and not belonging may be uncomfortable (and untrue), Michelle assured us that it is not uncommon.
Erika Goldring/Getty Images
"Imposter syndrome is, it's a thing in your head. And you know, it's just like self-confidence is just like any internal characteristic. Much of it is what you practice telling yourself. If you've heard that you're not good enough, that's what you're practicing. I'm just here to tell you it is not true. You wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be doing what you're doing if you didn't belong here."
Somewhere between childhood and becoming adults, we forgot that we can do whatever TF we want with our lives. After years of being told that our ambitions are too ambitious, we begin to believe it ourselves, but Michelle Obama needs you to know that buying into that bullsh*t will never pay off. She explained:
"I'm 55 now and I've seen it. I've been waiting to be as bad as people told me I would be. I've been waiting to fall and mess up and fail. I've been waiting because that's what they said. I didn't belong at Princeton. Right. I applied to Princeton University. My college counselor said, you, you know, that school's too much for you. Well, I applied. Anyway, I got in. I was waiting for it to be hard and for everybody else to be so much smarter. They weren't, they weren't."
While imposter syndrome may have a grip on your mind, Michelle needs you to know that it's time to release that demon and put your foot on they neck, sis.
"You're needed at those tables. So you can't sit there wondering whether you belong because you'll waste your time in those seats and you'll hold your voice back and you won't be able to make change because you're waiting for somebody to tell you that you belong. I'm telling you, you belong. Practice a different set of messages."
Featured image by Erika Goldring/Getty Images
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
