When you make the mistake of depending on others to make you happy, you rob yourself of the opportunity to heal and in a recent interview with Rolling Stone, SZA says that over the past year, she's had to learn this the hard way.
After releasing CTRL, which was a certified bop for many 20-something-year-old women across the country, SZA's life changed completely. But while the now-29-year-old singer was collaborating with industry legends singing her way into our hearts, she recently told the publication that she was silently fighting her own demons. She told the publication that after the death of her grandmother who was on life support for months, her life has been nothing short of a rollercoaster:
"I've been in the airport on the way to see my grandmother on life support, and [fans] are like, 'Aw, girl, what are you doing here? Can I get this picture now?' My grandma was like my best friend. It was the longest five months of my life."
Between changing her grandmother's diapers and being a support system to her grieving mother, SZA says that her mental health soon got lost in the fray. Despite her whirlwind success, the singer says that she soon lost the desire to do what she loves most:
"I didn't want to make music. I didn't. I was just trying to not kill myself, and not quit, period. Because it was really fucking hard, and lonely as fuck."
Soon after the death of her grandmother came the death of her aunt, who unexpectedly passed away. We're taught that we should have peace to accept the things that we can't control, but that can be tough when it seems like you can't control much of anything:
"I've buried so many people in my life, you would think that I would be used to it, or just have a threshold. But my grandma broke the threshold for me. It was so weird to not have any . . . I don't know, any control over anything."
There are a number of things that we don't have control over: the death of a loved one, the weather, the opinions of others. But one thing that we do have to take responsibility for is our own happiness and in the midst of her depression, SZA says that she learned this very important lesson:
"You really have to choose to feel better. You have to. Have to. Because if you don't, you just die. I decided I'm going to choose that shit for my fucking self, for real."
Instead of crumbling under the pressure of her pain, SZA says she has allowed her grief to push her further into her purpose. Along with using singing bowls to get her chakras all the way together, SZA says getting into the habit of reminding herself that she is more than enough has helped her take back control of her own happiness:
"I feel like I'm only trying to make music that I care about, and I'm trying to work with people that will fuck with me for real. That's it. I'm just trying to do everything that is meaningful, and do shit that's passionate, and remind myself that I'm worth something and talented and a nice girl. Just basic shit. So that's what the fuck I've been doing."
Featured image by Instagram/@sza.