I'm literally getting my Ph.D. because I felt like I wasn't good enough. Is that healthy? No. But will I stop overachieving? Probably not.
I should have probably stopped at the first master's degree, but I didn't. Instead, I got another master's degree. And when I decided to get my Ph.D. I told myself when I was applying to Ph.D. programs that I just wanted to be the smartest person in the room and that people would see my value because I am “Dr. Allen.”
I believed having a Ph.D. could make people view me as worthy and know how much I deserved to occupy space. People would undoubtedly see me as a difference-maker. They would think I matter.
I was wrong.
I remember moving to West Texas to start my Ph.D. program and truly believing this was the fresh start I needed, but every day, I was reminded of my Blackness. On the first day of class, I met my cohort, and of course, to nobody’s surprise, I was the only Black student. But I took it in stride, and I said if they just saw how smart I am they will accept me, and I’ll make friends because we are all in this together.
So I showed up every day, dressed nice, and smiled, but no one wanted to be my friend. I mean, they were nice, and they smiled when they saw me, but no one truly cared about me. I did not make one single friend, so during the first two years, I was alone because no one bothered to act like they saw me.
I pushed myself even harder and even faster. I decided to do the most in my power to be seen. I got all A’s, spoke at events, and won awards to show everyone that I was important. I volunteered to help out at events and even joined organizations.
People still did not see me.
I remember sitting in one class where a professor felt so uncomfortable talking about the experiences of Black women that she just ignored me. All semester, she ignored me. Even after voicing my concerns about her not talking to me or acting like I existed, she turned to my white counterpart to ask him, “Do you believe what Nia is saying?” Like my words and feelings were not enough coming from a Black woman. Luckily, he agreed with me and told the professor that I had been treated differently by her.
Even though he had my back, my professor just further validated my feelings that even in this space, getting the highest level of education, I am not enough, and who I am or what I have experienced does not matter. Because they don't see me.
The classroom was not the only place I was ignored. I was ignored at events, in the hallways, and even in the local community. It was like no one could see me, which made me feel like I could not see myself. I was determined to finish school earlier. They would see that once I got the “Ph.D.” letters behind my name, I mattered just as much as they did, and I fit in.
The one thing I set out to prove to the world was breaking me down in ways I never imagined.
I became stressed, so I pushed myself harder. My body fought back, but I did not listen. I gained over 100 pounds. I had constant anxiety and panic attacks; my skin broke out so bad I didn’t recognize who I was anymore. But I kept telling myself to just keep going; so I accelerated the speed.
That all came to a head in June 2022. I found myself in the emergency room because my heart was not functioning normally. I was hooked up to all these machines to monitor my heart, and finally, I got scared because here I was at 33, thinking I was about to die.
My 7-year-old son was going to lose his mother, and all the stuff that I wanted to prove so bad would not have mattered at all because the most important person to him in this world would be gone.
He knows me beyond my accomplishments. I am the person who fixes him breakfast every morning, laughs at his jokes, and cheers him on at soccer games. And to him, that’s just enough.
When the doctor came into the room to tell me my fate, I will never forget the first three words he posed to me, “Are you stressed?” And I took a long pause and just simply said, “Yes.” I replayed every single thing over in my head of what I had been doing: pushing myself harder, the burnout experienced from being the only Black person in a space, and the nights I cried myself to sleep. So yes, I was stressed, but who isn't, right? The doctor told me to monitor my stress, get some rest, and sent me on my way.
Rest? What is “rest” for Black women?
I made up my mind that the doctor did not understand the pressure I was under as a Black woman, and I just could not “rest.” Resting means I am doing nothing, and people would think that I am lazy, right?
So, I did not stop.
I kept pushing myself until one morning when I broke down and cried in the Starbucks parking lot after an anxiety attack. I had been pushing myself so hard that I was losing myself.
I remember sitting in a meeting with my dissertation advisor later that day. She told me, “Your priority in this world is your health, your son, and your family; everything else comes later. Don't let this degree stop you from realizing that and being able to enjoy those things later.”
She was right.
From there, I acknowledged how burnt out I really was trying to prove myself, push myself, and hustle for my worth.
I started to look back over my life and realized that I never saw my mother rest, and I know my mother sacrificed her rest for me. She wanted me to have the best education, she wanted me to go to undergrad debt-free, she wanted me to own my first car outright and she wanted me to have an advantage in life.
I realized I never saw any Black woman in my life ever rest. They were always on the go because they had to be, the world literally depended on Black women to change it.
But that ain’t my problem anymore.
I stopped to breathe and started focusing on me. I left the middle of nowhere Texas and decided to take my time with earning my Ph.D. And now, when people ask, “What are you going to do after you get your Ph.D.?” I simply smile and say, “Nothing.”
I won't lie; sometimes, the feeling of worthiness stops me, and it still does sometimes. I realized I equated my sense of being or feeling like I am enough to how many goals I achieved or how many degrees I get, a lot of Black women do.
So instead of putting my worth and value into the “Ph.D.,” I put it into me.
I made my dissertation about Black women and our power, and honestly, it fed me more. I put my own worth and value into the work that I do and only things I can control. For me to feel I am good enough and that I matter, I have to matter to myself. I learned to celebrate the wins, no matter how small or even how big. I learned to tell myself constantly that I am enough for myself and that being enough for me is okay.
Now, I can rest in the fact that the need to feel "good enough" is not worth dying over. It is not worth my son losing his mom.
I think as Black women, we push ourselves so much because we feel we have to show people we deserve to be in certain rooms. I thought by doing the most or being the best at every single thing I was proving that I was not only good enough but that I belonged, that I was deserving. But in learning that to feel good enough, I have to matter to myself. I have released myself from the standards of others and freed myself to accept myself.
I am worth it. I do matter. I am enough.
And I am more than deserving.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Milan_Jovic/Getty Images
- Dear Queen: An Open Letter To My Ladies Who Always Have Too Much On Their Plates ›
- I Quit A Job After 2 Weeks & It Was One Of The Best Decisions Of My Life ›
- High-Functioning Anxiety In Black Women And Learning To Rest ›
- I’m A Black Woman, A Lawyer & I Have ADHD ›
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Stretch Marks Are A Part Of Pregnancy—But Here’s How To Minimize Them Safely
A mother’s stretch marks are battle scars made with love. Every mark represents nine months of her body caring, protecting, and molding one of the greatest loves of her life. It is a reminder that once their life began, the life she once knew ended for a greater purpose. Although stretch marks represent the beauty of life, it is also okay to want to keep them at bay. Pregnancy is a major time of transition that can be hard to accept. Mothers deserve to love their bodies.
It's perfectly normal to want to keep stretch marks to a minimum. Becoming a mother doesn’t mean you can’t also want the best for your skin while wanting the best for your baby. Both can co-exist! Andi Assebia, an NP-C and Skin Health Expert at Derm Artisan, believes pregnancy is the perfect opportunity for expecting mothers to love on their skin. “Pregnancies are all about improving the health and appearance of skin texture as our belly stretches,” says Assebia.
Here is a list of ways to practice skin health and minimize stretch marks during pregnancy.
Moisturize.
During this time of transition, it is important to keep the skin moisturized. This is because the skin is most likely to experience dryness, which makes stretch marks more potent. Applying moisturizer will help soothe and smooth out the area. Assebia adds, “To help prevent stretch marks, keep your skin hydrated with a nourishing crème like Avène’s Moisturizing Melt-in Balm. Remember, consistency is key.”
Assebia also advocates combining hydrating ingredients like Environ Alpha Hydroxy Derma Lac Lotion with Environ Body Oil daily. This is in pursuit of locking in as many oils as possible. Although Assebia’s recommendations are credible, it is always best to consult your physician before moving forward.
Drink Lots Of Water.
Hydration starts within the body. You’ll have to increase your water intake to keep your body hydrated. The average water intake for women is about 11.5 cups. Your intake of other liquids (hello, tea, juice, and fruit lovers!) could also affect how much water you drink. However, it is more than likely your water intake will increase as your pregnancy continues. Drinking for two is fun! Drinking 8 to 12 cups a day is advised. This will help your body’s elasticity, preventing scars, wrinkles, soft lines, and stretch marks.
Be Mindful About Your Diet.
When pregnant, it’s easy to fall into those cravings and blame it all on your little one. However, a well-balanced diet can enhance your skin's health. It’s important to consider taking prenatal vitamins and focusing on a whole-food diet filled with vitamins C, D, and zinc. Being mindful about your diet can also prevent overstretching due to excessive weight gain. Yes, weight gain is normal and acceptable during this time, but to minimize the appearance of stretch marks, we should focus on healthy weight gain.
Massage Your Skin.
A classic tummy massage can show gentle love to yourself and your little one. Give your skin the love it deserves by massaging it once daily with an oil of your choice (with a doctor's approval, of course!) or body lotion. This allows the product to seep deep into your pores, creating a foundation for the skin to be deeply moisturized. Did we mention it also enhances blood circulation, giving you that incredible pregnancy glow? Yeah, that’s right!
Soak Up The Sun.
More research must be conducted, but vitamin D is a holistic approach to stretch mark prevention. This study suggests that a healthy amount of vitamin D can improve skin electricity. In addition, another study showed that vitamin D can be helpful for fetal growth and reduce preterm birth. Both are highly beneficial to the mother and baby during pregnancy. However, it is important to be mindful of how much sun exposure you’re getting. Remember to soak up the sun in moderation, always wear sunscreen, and stay hydrated.
Treat Stretch Marks immediately.
Don't delay treatment if you spot a stretch mark in its early stages. Waiting to nurture stretch marks can make them more prominent in the future. As mentioned before, moisturize the area abundantly and apply your favorite oils with your tummy massage. Key ingredients for healing stretch marks are vitamin E, hyaluronic acid, and shea or cocoa butter. Also, check in with your primary doctor or dermatologist if unsure of which ingredients to use during your pregnancy.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images