Time To Reflect: Questions To Ask Yourself Before The New Year
I think it's fair to say 2020 is not what anyone envisioned. This year has been a whirlwind full of COVID-19 cases, protests, millions without employment, an intense election, and much more. 2020 has worn us out, honey! I'm tired. You're tired. We're all tired. But, as we close the chapter of 2020, it's only right we do some reflection. This time of year is perfect for discovering what we need to work on, what lessons we've learned, and how we can do better moving forward.
I love using journaling prompts this time of year for reflection. Through these reflection prompts, I have been able to be grateful for the challenges I have overcome, and look forward to the lessons ahead. If you are in search of a path to move forward in the year ahead but don't know where to begin, here are some key questions to ask yourself before the new year.
What is one thing you could have done, but were too afraid too?
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It's incredible how many people never achieve their dreams because of fear. Some of us are lowkey having anxiety over what people will think or say. Psyching ourselves out because we don't want to be seen doing "too much". We can even be afraid of failing and making a fool of ourselves too. Nothing positive can come from staying in your comfort zone because of fear. The only thing that can manifest from fear is being stuck in a situation you don't want to be in.
I was stuck at a dead-end serving job for years because I was too afraid to quit my job and become a freelancer in digital media. I was so concerned with how people would see me as irresponsible for quitting my job and going for my dream. Eventually, the misery of working at a job I had no passion for took over, so I quit.
Fear is mental more than anything else. Once you get past the mental aspect of fear, there is not much that can stop you. If there is anything you always wanted to do, but didn't out of fear, make it your goal for next year. Achieving the things that scare you the most will give you the confidence to challenge your goals. As cliche as this may sound, you never know what can happen if you don't try. Life is too short to be living in fear.
At what point this year could you have been gentle with yourself?
I am my biggest critic. I believe my critiques of myself comes from being a perfectionist and wanting to be the best at what I do. The negative side to this trait is sometimes I can stress myself out. I have learned through trial and error; that my best is enough and perfection is an illusion.
We need to be better at checking in with ourselves and being mindful of our needs. What's the point of filling our cup if we are the ones also draining it?
Reflect on times you were in a stressful state; how did you talk to yourself? Change up that inner dialogue. Were there times when you overworked yourself? Take more breaks. Did you do anything to celebrate yourself or your wins? Treat yo' self! Being gentle with ourselves is keeping our cup inflow.
What can you thank yourself for this year?
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First off, let's all thank ourselves for making it through 2020. We all deserve a T-shirt that says: "I survived 2020." Seriously though, thanking ourselves may seem like an odd thing to do at first. We are so used to people thanking us or validating us for our efforts, but we can also do this for ourselves. We don't need to wait for anyone to acknowledge our efforts.
I'm a huge fan of thanking myself because they're milestones in my life people don't see. This year, I focused on myself and healing inner child wounds. I invested in therapy, meditation, and journaling. All of these tasks were done privately. For me, this was a huge step towards connecting with my higher self. I worked on my inner child wounds for me, so it's only right that I thank myself. Thanking yourself can feel a bit egotistical at first, but there's science behind the madness. We thank ourselves to recognize the value we've provided for ourselves. By thanking ourselves; we are subconsciously encouraging ourselves to keep going and not relying on anyone for validation.
Who in your life deserves a big thank you?
There were times during this year I didn't think I was going to make it. Times when I thought it was all "too much" for me to keep going. Having a strong circle of friends and family to help me see the light when I couldn't have been a lifesaver.
I truly believe in showing gratitude to those who have been there for you. Letting your loved ones know you recognize their efforts will strengthen your relationships.
People need to feel like they are appreciated. If not, the relationship will eventually start to deteriorate. Let your loved ones know you appreciated them during those times.
What do you want to be a student of in 2021?
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In life, the only way you can continue to grow is if you never stop learning. Being a student of life keeps you fascinated when things aren't going right. Instead of being frustrated when life isn't going according to plan (aka 2020), you can view situations from a productive mindset. Asking yourself questions like, "What can I learn from this situation?" or "How is this making me better?" can be helpful tools when navigating through a difficult season.
Before the pandemic, I was a DJ. Live events and large crowds are the heart of the industry, two things COVID-19 rightfully banned. I was no longer able to do my job, so it was back to the drawing board. Instead of dwelling on being unemployed, I decided to stay curious and see where life was taking me. Now here I am with the best writing job ever, working from my living room, and helping you glow up.
Being a student of life is the best gift you can give to yourself. Flowing with life's obstacles can lead you to some of life's greatest treasures. Observe, remain curious, and stay hungry for more. In the words of Forrest Gump, "Life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you're going to get."
I hope you all have a new year full of blessings, happiness, and growth.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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