Sometimes life hits us so fast and can be so chaotic that we don't take the time to be present, and I mean really in the moment. A small piece of us all suffers from destination addiction, so focused on the prize we forget that the present is a gift. SZA recently opened up in an interview with Jada Pinkett Smith forV Magazineabout the importance of resilience and staying grounded amidst the challenges of everyday life. She is the voice of a generation: shamelessly vulnerable and overwhelmed with emotion.
The five-time Grammy-nominated singer mentioned in the interview that her widespread influence and intense professional life has made her more vulnerable than ever and attributes her creative process to being able to openly give and receive love from her fans.
"In my music, it's really hard to be super-conscious; I'm in another state of consciousness when I'm making music. But when I'm my most effective, that mode of healing is when I get to perform and see everybody. I send out and absorb love. Meet-and-greets are a new thing I never got to do before. I meet, like, 200 people before each show. We hug each other and really look at each other. Healing and loving people, I guess that's me."
It takes a certain amount of endurance to maintain the energy it takes to heal and love others, but SZA makes it look easy. She goes on to say that her way of recharging and staying connecting spiritually while she's on the road comes from meditation.
"Meditation is the easiest way to re-center and ground yourself. Sometimes, I get really tired; I feel like I'm hitting a wall I'm about to break through. I just know I have to keep going because there's about to be some sort of weird endurance experience after. I'd never been on tour before; I never did 40 or 50 cities. I just had to build calmness. I talk to my mom a lot. If I feel super chaotic, she usually calls me first. She always knows."
Although SZA says a solid support system and taking a few moments of quiet reflection may help you realign; they won't keep you from being tested. I'm a witness to the fact that sometimes God will give you everything you've prayed for, and then will send you a distraction to see if you're really focused.
SZA is a testament to the fact that with every test, comes testimony. Despite the liberation and empowerment she inspires, she's also had her own share of challenges. After her Grammy let-down she was devastated, but had to make the decision to realign, believe in herself and keep moving forward.
"That was a crazy lesson: Although you may want to quantify yourself by this landmark, God will not allow it. Be grateful for where you're at, this was just an indicator you're doing a good job; now stay fucking focused. My granny and mom were there, and it was the first time my mom didn't know what to say. My mom is so well-spoken, and she was struggling to find the words. I had to perform after all the news broke. It was definitely the most clear, obvious test anyone's ever given me: God's just going at me like, so you lost all five [awards], they're gonna announce you were nominated for all five right before you go onstage, and you have to do a good job and believe in yourself, are you ready? I'm just like, OK, no doubt."
Even when we lose, we win.
SZA reminds us that no matter how hard the let-down, we have the strength instilled in us all to fall down nine times and get up ten (word to Cardi B). We have to be able to embrace the chaos and failures life presents us, remember that we are still the sh*t, and keep growing.
Featured image by Jamie Lamor Thompson / Shutterstock.com
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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