Why We Sometimes Choose The Wrong Partner
All right ladies, let's make a pact right now that before we go any further into this new year, we're going to be explicitly honest with ourselves in every area of our lives.
That means, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. While we're being honest, let's get super intentional about pinpointing, accepting, and actively dealing with the root of our own issues. Not just the symptoms. One of the areas where we could all probably afford to take another look at is our relationships. In the modern age of hookups and situationships, I'll be the first to admit that I've been somewhat unlucky in love. It seems as if I'm always running into men who either: Say they see me as their girlfriend but then don't put forth any action behind it or approach me only wanting one thing (and you can take a guess at what that is).
The latter of which I'm not necessarily mad at because I'd rather know upfront what they're after and reject their advances than to be emotionally manipulated only to be hoodwinked down the line.
What this has taught me is that sometimes the light we innately carry attracts drainers as well as sustainers.
But whether or not we entertain them, meaning enter into a relationship, is totally up to us. To put it plainly, it's one thing to ATTRACT wrong whether knowingly or unknowingly, but it's another to actually CHOOSE IT. It's one thing to respond back to that DM from the guy you know is no good. But it's another to know he's no good, dive headfirst into a relationship, and act surprised when he does you like the last girl.
It's time out for finding out that your man is your man and hers too. It's time out for consistently being with someone who always withdraws but never deposits. And it's more than time out for unrequited effort, love, and consistency in 2019 as a result of picking the wrong partner. So, to help you break the cycle, check out these underlying sources that may be at the root of your problems.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Have Fixer/Savior Syndrome
One reason why you may find yourself consistently meeting a less than stellar match, is because you lowkey thrive on having a partner you can either save from themselves or one that you view as a project. Being the person that your partner "changed for" speaks to the unspoken longing to feel needed and validated in love. When this particular partner exhibits unsavory behaviors, all of sudden you either take up your cross or become Iyanla 2.0. But what happens when and if your partner doesn't feel the need to change or just downright refuses?
The long-term complications can result in low self-esteem and resentment because you ascribed your value to who you could fix. I'm not saying that you shouldn't ever improve on yourself for the benefit of the relationship, but what I am saying is that you can't change someone who doesn't see a problem in what they're doing. Save yourself the time and energy, sis. It's not your job to "fix" a man, that's what therapy, prayer, and alkaline water is for. It's also not your job to save him from his own worst behaviors. Jesus did that over 2,000 years ago and for you non-religious folks, heed the warning of J. Cole: Don't save him. He don't want to be saved, love.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Take Potential at Face Value
Another reason that may stand in the way of finding your forever partner is the fact that you're constantly persuaded by potential. I feel like I could write a whole book on this alone. The fact of the matter is, we ALL were born with potential. Like seriously. No man (or woman, for that matter) should get props or special access to you just because they have the potential to be somebody or do something great. That ability is built in us all and has been since the day we took our first breath.
The thing that matters most though, is what we do with it. And the same goes for your significant other. Are they harnessing that potential into something tangible or is every big idea just an idea with no follow-through? Don't excuse his behavior or lack thereof because of who he might be. We all have potential, you ain't special, boo.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You’re Lonely
Hey, I get it. Cuffing season is a big deal for many of us and there's nothing like being cozied up with that special someone. The feeling of knowing you have somebody who makes your hotline bling can be very addicting. And if you've been experiencing a drought in your dating life, loneliness can drive you to choosing and getting with someone you otherwise would not.
Never forget that while you may be alone, you have a choice on whether or not to feel lonely. Call up your friends to see if you can hang out or go out for and if they're boo'd up, get out that planner and vision board. Start manifesting some stuff. Your life and love life can change in an instant, but you can't attract #BetterBae if you're caught up being #LonelyBae. I know it might be tough right now, but remember seasons always change.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You’re a People-Pleaser
Let's do a quick poll: If you've ever gotten with somebody based off the suggestion of your friends, put one finger in the air. If that endeavor turned out badly yet they insisted you give it another shot and you did, add another finger. If you've dated someone just because they looked good on paper, add one more. If you've ever gotten with someone based off the suggestion of your parents, let another finger rise. If you've ever gotten with someone for the sake of looking good on the 'Gram, raise yet another. Now if you're holding a high-five, I have five words for you: DON'T. EVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN.
It's time to dead the practice of getting with somebody in order to appease other people's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. People are going to talk, whether you're doing good or bad. Whether you're in a happy relationship or not. Whether you're dating someone who actually complements you or not. People are fickle, that's just how we're made. In 2019, we've got to stop living for people who aren't even checking for us. And that's that on that.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Don’t Trust Your Intuition
The older I get, the more I realize the importance of listening to that small voice on the inside. You know, the voice that's often the voice of reason and sometimes reckoning. When it comes to figuring out why you keep choosing lousy lovers, it may be as simple as ignorance of your intuition. Defined by Webster as an "immediate apprehension or cognition without reasoning or inferring," doubting this sense can lead to detrimental effects.
You know when you should take a step back to look at things for what they really are. You know that if your partner's words and actions don't line up, something in the milk isn't clean. You know when something feels a lot more like hurt and less like love. But you should also know that when you've been doing the inner work towards leveling up, your spirit will never steer you wrong. You've just gotta have the faith, confidence, and the audacity to fully walk in it. Trust yo' self, sis.
7 Reasons Not To Settle In A Relationship – Read More
Dwayne and Whitley Are Not Relationship Goals – Read More
Featured image by Getty Images
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This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
We all have a dream life that we spend our free time daydreaming about. You know, the one with a loving partner, high-rise apartment, thriving career, and endless abundance. But as much as we can dream about it, there has to be a little extra sprinkle of “magic” to make it become a reality, and that’s when manifestation comes in.
The uptick in manifestation techniques is nothing new to the internet. Since The Secret and the Law of Attraction became available on YouTube in the early 2010s and fast forward to today, where #manifestationtok and #spiritualtok surging in popularity, it’s clear that there are a number of different ways to get what you want out of life with the right action, affirmation, and visualization.
Still, with so many ways to manifest, from scripting to the 3-6-9 Method, it can be hard to know which one to lean into. But there’s one new technique that’s promising to yield “instant results,” and we’re curious about it.
The "I Am Sure" Manifestation
Replying to @A I M E E 🖤 lG: hothighpriestess 🤍 this is the “I am sure” method #iamsuremethod
The “I Am Sure” manifestation gained traction this summer by TikTok creator Sara Perl of @hothighpriestess, who initially introduced the method.
In her original video breaking down the concept, she detailed the steps to use the technique for those looking to “manifest overnight.” To do so, start by stating “I am sure,” followed by “your desired manifestation in the present tense.” If there’s a job, promotion, or text from a crush that you want, then you’d say, “I am sure that I got X job,” or “I am sure that I make a $100K salary.” Repeat this out loud 10 times, or for faster results, write them down on a piece of paper and say it back to yourself whenever the desire comes up.
Using your words and speaking in the present tense, affirmatively, “puts you in the frequency that has that desire,” as Perl states. “We know our thoughts create our reality, but our words create our reality even faster.”
No matter how you choose to manifest your dream life, there’s nothing like channeling a powerful affirmation and some faith to get what you desire. In every instance, though, allow yourself to dismiss any doubt that may try to cloud your hopes in good things coming into your life, and don’t hold too tightly onto the “how” or “when.” Trust the process and know that the “thing” that you desire is just waiting for the perfect time to enter your life.
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