This. Right. Here. Whenever I even think about tackling this kind of topic, the first thing that I think about are all of the porn addicts I've encountered. What does porn have to do with weddings or marriage? Well, contrary to popular assumption, porn isn't just sexual. Porn is about being caught up in anything to the point where you basically obsess over it. And chile, I have definitely met my fair share of wedding and I-want-a-husband-although-I-don't-have-a-clue-why marriage porn addicts.
Just as with any kind of excessive desire, if you're more interested in preparing for one day (a wedding) than your entire life (a marriage), after the festivities are over and your big white dress is put away, you could wake up one day and wonder what the heck you signed up for (I'm not exaggerating either; I know some married couples who wanted to call it quits right after their honeymoon).
How can you know if this is the path that you're on? If you are totally into having a wedding, but you haven't given actually being married much thought? Read on.
A Wedding Planner Is in the Budget. A Marriage Counselor Is Not.
It's no secret that I'm a marriage life coach. To tell you the truth, a part of the reason why I'm still single is because of that. It's not that working with troubled couples has jaded me; what it has done is made me so much more realistic about what a marital union requires.
You know what else being a marriage life coach has done? Made me very firm in the fact that if two people want to have a leg up on a successful marriage, they need to get into some serious—meaning more than three one-hour sessions—premarital counseling. Don't just take my word for it. There are countless studies to support that couples who went to premarital counseling had a 30 percent higher success rate than those who didn't.
I can't tell you how many married couples I've dealt with who somehow found the money for a top-notch wedding planner but claimed they didn't have the resources or the time for premarital counseling. Take heed, y'all. If you're more interested in one day of your life going off without a hitch than getting the tools that you need so that your marriage won't crash and burn, your priorities are out of order. Totally so.
You’ve Read More Fairy Tales than Relationship Books
Living for the fairy tale. There aren't too many phrases that irk me more. By definition, fairy tales are stories told to children. They are also tales that are totally misleading (look the definition up sometime).
Why should any grown woman be living for a childish lie?
A whole lot of ladies are PISSED in their marriage because they spent more time fantasizing that they were Cinderella and their husband was going to be Prince Charming. One problem with that is the story is make-believe. Another is you have absolutely no idea what happened after "…and they lived happily ever after."
You'd do your marriage a far better service if you kept your head out of fairy tales (and rom-coms) and got into some relationship books instead. Off the top of my head, His Needs, Her Needs (Willard F. Harley, Jr.), Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage (Tim Alan Gardner), Boundaries in Marriage (Cloud/Townsend), The Ten Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married(Dr. Guy Grenier), Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married (Dr. Gary Chapman) and Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? (Gary Thomas) are some good reality check ones.
Your Dream Wedding Plans Have NOTHING to Do with the Groom
Even if you don't want to admit it to your friends, I'm pretty sure you've seen at least one episode of WE tv's Bridezillas before. If there's a signature liner that comes from almost every bride-to-be on theirs mouth is "It's MY day!" Unfortunately, there's an epidemic of women who feel like even though a wedding ceremony is about two people joining their lives together, the wedding décor and festivities should only get their vote. That's simply not true.
Here's the exception to what I just said—If you happen to end up with a man who says out of his own mouth that he couldn't care less about the color scheme, food and music, then do you, girl. But if when you think about your dream wedding, the only role that the groom plays is "insert man here", that's not only a flag that you're probably more into your wedding than you're marriage, but you have a high propensity for thinking he shouldn't have much of a voice following your nuptials too.
This brings me to my next point.
You Know What Makes You a Great Bride, Not What Makes You a Good Wife
If someone were to ask me about one of the biggest mistakes that I see women make in their marriage, it's not accepting the fact that they are a bride for a day. After that, they are a wife. Ask any wife who takes her marriage seriously and she'll tell you that being a good wife (just like being a good husband) requires a lot of dedication, faith and consistency. In fact, one of my running statements is "Marriage requires so much that women deserve an entire day-long party!"
If when you think about getting married, all that really comes to mind is how beautiful you want to be on your wedding day, how everyone should be at your beck and call and nothing more…yeah, do some pondering about that. A bride and a virgin have a lot in common in the sense that it only takes a few moments for that "status" to change over into something else.
After a day of being a bride…then what?
You’re More Interested in Having a Perfect Day Than a Healthy Relationship
I like wedding videos just as much as the next gal (one of my favorites continues to be the young man who planned his wife's entire wedding without her knowledge; watch it here). At the same time, while checking out a clip of Steve Harvey interviewing some married couples recently, there are two things that stood out to me.
One husband said, "A lot of people say, 'I do' but what they really mean is 'I'll try'." (Indeed. Just think of how many people would not get married if getting a divorce was against the law. So many say "I do" with an escape clause in mind.) Another husband said, "The truth of the matter is, everyone you're attracted to, you're not compatible with. You might be attracted to the way that they look, but that doesn't mean you can live with them." Right again. Far too many people don't give their spouse too much thought beyond who would be a great sex partner and will look awesome in their wedding photos. Not good. Not good at all.
This Entire Article Totally Offended You
Have you ever visited a church for the first time, heard a sermon and then got offended because you felt like the pastor was totally calling you out, even though he didn't even know you? Along those same lines, if you read all of this and you're low key pissed, remember that I can't see who's on the other side of my computer screen. So, if it bothered you, maybe there's some merit to it.
At the end of the day, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong about dreaming about having a perfect wedding. All I'm saying is there's a ton of folks who had a beautiful wedding day but, because they didn't give life after their honeymoon much thought, they are now divorced.
It would be a shame to have a flawless wedding followed by a doomed marriage, so please make it a point to invest in both. I'd say about 70/30 split (in favor of your marriage) would be wise.
If you're tempted to give me push back on this, read the article all over again, please.
Featured image by Getty Images
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our weekly newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Michael Ealy On Why You Should Live With Your Partner Before Marriage
I Do's And Dont's: A Wedding Planner Emailed Outrageous Guest Demands
Anthony & Sopha Rush Talk Celibacy, Courtship, And Marriage In Our First Year
Taraji P. Henson Won't Be Wearing White In Her Wedding
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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