Randall & Beth: Our Favorite Couple Reveals The Real About Loving Someone
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Living Single. And an at-home marriage proposal with a main character singing Jagged Edge's original version of "Let's Get Married" (good job, Randall/Sterling!). Yeah, you've got a love a show that's Black-aware enough to put these kinds of intricate details into it.
And while it's rare that I miss an episode of This Is Us, last week, after Randall left a voicemail that was the shot heard all around the world on Beth's cell ("I hope that you're having fun teaching bored housewives how to twirl better. Grow up, Beth.") and I then peeped the preview of the episode that aired last night that included Beth saying, "We've been having the same fight since we met. I'm not giving up what I love. Now what?"—as a fan of the show and a marriage life coach in the real world, I knew it was must-see TV. And it was.
Per usual, there were way too many things addressed and great one-liners to recap everything in one article (although if you put the hashtag #ThisIsUs into your favorite search engine, you'll catch a ton of what went down, blow-by-blow). But there are a few things that I do think need to be addressed. There are several reasons why I think last night's episode should be required viewing for singles who want to be in a serious relationship someday (first) and long-term committed couples who already are (second).
NBC
Here's why I say that.
Something that has always been stellar about the writing team of This Is Us is they constantly remind us that life is lived in layers; so is love. That said, if you only watched the episode featuring Randall's rude voicemail, you might chalk him up to being a selfish jerk or, if you're married and know that rudeness happens sometimes, a man who was having a really bad day (REALLY BAD). On the other hand, if you only saw Beth say that she wasn't going to give up what she loved, she might earn the same response from you.
But since the writers were kind (and thorough) enough to take us all back to the beginning of their love story, I'll be honest—I walked away from the episode knowing that they love one another but wondering how much they actually like each other. Whether it was day one or now. Because while they are committed to one another, a part of what comes with truly liking another human being is accepting that they are not like you, probably won't ever be and...being OK with that. Celebrating that fact even. Some of the core of Randall and Beth's beings? It seems to constantly get on each other's nerves. Not because anything is "wrong"...just different.
A lot of energy seems to be put into wishing the differences weren't so and merely tolerating that blaring reality.
NBC
Peep their first date, for example. Randall dressed up. He bought a bouquet of flowers (several, actually). He took Beth to a fancy restaurant. Beth was in a sweatshirt. She berated Randall for dressing up and talked about wanting nachos and ginger beer instead of the fine cuisine. Oh, and she cut the date short after saying, "It's too much. It's all too much."
You know what else I noticed about their date? Beth's father died a year before Randall's did and also—this is key—Randall told Beth that she had a love for dancing. In response, Beth shut him down and said no, her passion was architecture. Bookmark both of those points. I'll be coming back to them.
Fast forward to Randall trying to propose for the umpteenth time and Beth once again getting irritated. One of the things that she said to Randall was eerily reminiscent of her review of their first date—"I love you, but you consume things." After they went putt-putt golfing with Randall's mom and she convinced Beth that she was more than fine with her being Randall's wife, that same day, Beth did the proposal her way—at a casual restaurant with some nachos and ginger beer sitting in front of her. After Beth told Randall that he could then propose, something she declared was, "We're not gonna lose ourselves in each other. We're gonna be full people; a team." Was that a mutual agreement or a way to convince herself to marry him…then?
Fast forward again to their wedding day. Before the ceremony, Beth was wingin' her vows while Randall realized that what he wrote was (his words) "a dissertation on marriage." They then have an impromptu meeting in their bathroom and write their vows together. Something Randall says is, "You're the only thing I'm ever going to need." Something Beth says is, "The single most extraordinary thing I've done in my life, is fall in love with you." Sure, it sounds sweet, romantic and tear-jerkingly wedding day appropriate, but was it the total truth? Do any of us only need one person? Are all of us only capable of doing one most extraordinary thing?
NBC
Fast forward one more time to when Tess was a newborn. While sitting in the kitchen in the middle of the night and eating nachos, two things that Beth says are 1) "Making it work' usually means I adjust. I make it work...I have to lose something," and 2) while comparing their relationship to a bowl of chips, "You're a whole-chips-with-a-lot-of-cheese kind of person. So am I." As she looks down into the bowl at the smaller broken chips, Randall catches on and says, "What? I leave you with the crumbs? I'll never eat nachos again." He wasn't playing, by the way. He was dead serious. That's another thing that I wonder about them—how much of their cute playful banter is really more like a low-key form of passive aggressiveness because they're still learning how to hear—and I mean really and truly hear—one another. And then respond appropriately. Hopefully.
Like I said. Most things are in layers. But the reason why I think that singles and those in long-term relationships (especially engaged) couples should see last night's episode is because of what went down on the first date, especially. Ever since Randall lost his dad, it seems like he's been trying to be him; to fill his shoes and to overcompensate in ways that no son fully can when his dad leaves far too soon. And Beth? I can't help but wonder how much of her "tensed-up-ness" isn't just about Randall "being too much," but about feeling anger about losing her own father and perhaps convincing herself to do architecture over dance, maybe because it was something her dad always wanted her to do or because she felt like she needed to take care of her family in a way that no daughter should feel burdened to when her father leaves far too soon.
Cautionary tale #1—Process your childhood. Where you feel wounds, fear and/or uncertainty, heal. Have hard conversations. See a therapist. Confront your pain. Love on yourself…before looking for someone else to do it.
Next up. Randall saw Beth. He really saw her. He asked around. He paid attention. When he spoke her passion into her life at their first date, she damn near bit his head off. And so, he shut down. All these years later, Beth is ready to do what she loves and what Randall recognized way back when. However, Randall has gotten used to it being a dream deferred. Beth says it's been about her breaking the promise they made of neither of them losing themselves all along. Randall says she's reciting (his words) "revisionist history."
Ron Batzdorff/NBC
Cautionary tale #2—Be honest with yourself, most of all. What do you want? Who do you want to be? How do you see your future before bringing someone else into it? A part of the beauty of having a season of singleness is you can focus on you and nothing but…unapologetically so.
There were moments in last night's episode when it was implied that Randall often convinced Beth to move outside of her comfort zone or timing. Sometimes that's good for growth. Other times, it feels nothing short of being railroaded and ignored. If you're pushed into a corner long enough, even if it's by someone you love who has the best of intentions, you're gonna lash out. Healthy love? It feels like freedom.
Another point. During the current day fight that they were having, in response to Beth wanting to dance and it being non-negotiable at this point, she said, "I am not going to bend. And that's the problem. Our lives don't work unless I'm doing the bending. And we both know it." A lot of marriage counselors and relationship coaches will say that, in a relationship, you should compromise and not sacrifice. I disagree. Sacrifice simply means giving up something good for something better. The thing is, when two people are in a long-term commitment, sacrifices should be mutually agreed upon and mutually made, not always at the same time but as both individuals need them to be. Beth shouldn't always be doing the sacrificing. Randall either. And neither should say—or worse, act—like they are OK with said sacrifices when they are anything but.
Cautionary tale #3—No matter how much you love someone, you were an individual with a purpose before they ever arrived. So no, they can't be all that you need because you need to fulfill the reason why you were placed on this earth to begin with and, also no, being in love is not the most or only extraordinary thing that any of us are called or expected to do in this world. It sounds good, but it's not realistic.
As one of my favorite Leo Buscaglia quotes on love so poignantly points out, "Love is continual becoming." You need to become your best self; that is what's truly extraordinary. The man or woman who can support you in that happening, all throughout your life, that is the best kind of love story.
Randall and Beth are on quite the emotional roller coaster ride right now but personally, I like that they are being revealed in this way. It's a reminder to not look at some rom-com or scripted sitcom where a couple has no issues and say, "I want that." Instead, we should look at this beautiful Black couple, see where their missteps are, ask ourselves if we're making some of the same ones and adjust accordingly. Then rinse and repeat. As often as needed.
NBC
Randall and Beth (or R&B as Susan Kelechi Watson, the dope chick who plays Beth, calls them) are not a perfect couple with a flawless love story. They are two individuals who are learning to love themselves, their purpose and one another simultaneously. That's no easy feat. And what last night reminded me is when you're striving to be in a solid and lasting relationship, all three kinds of loves must factor in. From day one and every day that follows. By both people. Intentionally so. Otherwise, it's hard to like who you're with or your life with them or even yourself after a while, no matter how much you love them.
Thanks for the reminder, Randall and Beth. It's noted. And profoundly appreciated over here in the real world. It really is.
Featured image via This Is Us / NBC
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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Featured image by CoffeeAndMilk/Getty Images