It's kinda funny that, while I'm not really big on holidays, I will sometimes run on over to the National Day Calendar, every couple of months or so, just to see what other "special days" I might want to observe. As July comes to a close (and really, where did it go, y'all?), one that caught my attention is July 26 which is National All Or Nothing Day. How cool is it that there's a 24-hour moment in time that's especially set aside so that we can literally go all carpe diem, take big risks and make things happen?
If you read what the day is originally all about, it talks about doing things like quitting your job or mending a broken relationship; it's about taking the all or nothing approach to putting your pride or fears aside in order to make things happen. As for me, when I think about all or nothing, what comes to my mind is loving yourself enough to require that either you get ALL of what you desire out of something (or someone), or you leave ALL of it (or them) alone. ALL OR NOTHING. No more or less than that.
I will admit that it takes some balls to make this kind of boss move. So, before you consider making that phone call or sending that email, ask yourself the following questions. That way, you'll be moving forward responsibly rather than impulsively.
What Do YOU Want?
I'll be the first to say that Nicholas Sparks gets all kinds of side-eyes from me, if for no other reason than I don't recall ever seeing a Black person (with a lead role) in any of his films. Still, that doesn't mean that The Notebook isn't a movie that can still make me watch it whenever it pops up while I'm remote surfing. One scene that I like is when Noah (played by Ryan Gosling) asks Allie (played by Rachel McAdams) what she wanted, both from him and, ultimately for herself. Because really, how can any of us create the kind of life that we wish for without first knowing what we want…what we really want?
The last emotional situationship that I was in, in hindsight, a part of the reason why it lasted—and by that, I mean dragged out—far longer than it should have, is because I wasn't honest enough with myself about what I wanted. Well, what I mean by that is I wanted him without first assessing what kind of relationship I desired first. What I really wanted was to be in something that would be heading towards marriage. But because I focused more on wanting him than wanting that, I put up with all of his commitment-phobic issues.
When I got to the point where marriage meant more than keeping him in my life in a way that was compromising my truest desires, while it did hurt, it was easier to let him go. Being true to what I wanted was worth not staying in something that didn't truly satisfy me, just so I could have a piece of him that wasn't really fulfilling me anyway. Feel me?
What do you want? WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?
What Do YOU Need?
So, why did I put "want" before "need"? Because, let's be real. Most of us are in the circumstances that we're in now because our wants are what mattered more to us than our needs did. Knowing this about humanity has brought me to the conclusion that when we're trying to figure out what to do in life, it's OK to think about what you want first and then decide if "it" complements what you actually need.
Now remember, when you need something, that means it's something that is necessary and essential to your life. What that means is a lot of us don't need as much as we think that we do—or that our wants try and make us feel that we do. That guy that I just mentioned? In order to learn some of the lessons that I did while being involved with him, for a season, I did need him. Now? Not so much. It was necessary to see some things about my patterns, my level of codependency and my overall self-worth. Now that those issues have, for the most part, been resolved, he isn't essential for my life. At least, not right now.
So yeah, while trying to figure out if it's time to take an all or nothing approach to a person, place, thing or idea, figuring out if you need it or not is crucial.
Are You Compromising, Sacrificing, Conceding or Resenting?
I know a lot of people who put compromising and sacrificing in the same boat. I personally don't because I don't mind either word. The reality is that in order to get to where any of us want to be, whether it be personally or professionally, some compromising and sacrificing are going to be required. The key is to make sure that if you are choosing to compromise, it doesn't include your principles, values or self-worth. Also, if it involves another person, some mutual comprising must be going on. And, as far as sacrificing goes, all that means is that you are giving up one good thing in exchange for something that's even better. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with sacrificing, so long as you're applying the true definition of the word to your decision-making process.
Conceding and resenting are a little different. On the concession tip, if all that you're doing is acknowledging or admitting something, that's one thing. But if you are all the way at the point of yielding to pressure or accepting defeat, over and over and over again, how is that—whatever "that" is—benefitting you? And resentment? If you're constantly displeased or bitter, or you're in a situation that is constantly adding insult to injury, so to speak…really, why stay?
It took me a while to get to this point too, but I must say, accepting that healthy compromise and worthwhile sacrificing are good while always conceding and resentment are not, that has definitely helped me to make wiser choices in the "all or nothing" department.
Is It a Straight Road, a Cul-de-Sac or a Dead End?
There's a verse in the Bible that I promise you, I hear God repeat to me sometimes—"And the Lord said to Moses, 'Why do you cry to Me? Tell the children of Israel to go forward.'" (Exodus 14:15—NKJV) It's a reminder that life was designed to be lived with a mindset of forward movement. Moving forward is about advancing and advancing is about progressing, improving and increasing.
If you're in a dilemma, whether it's personal or professional, and you're not sure what to do, ask yourself if "it" is taking you straight forward, if you're going around and around like a cul-de-sac or if it is actually nothing but a dead end? You'll know by whether you are progressing, improving and increasing—or not.
How can you tell if it's probably a dead end? This brings me to my next point.
Is It Teaching You How to Be Patient or How to Waste Your Time?
If there's one thing that's a total game-changer (if you learn to master it), it's knowing the difference between being patient and totally wasting your time. Because, indeed, while good things do come to those who wait and, patience is, no doubt, a virtue, the purpose of patience is to mature us as we wait for something that will prove to be beneficial to us.
So, how can you know if all you're doing is wasting your time? Are you waiting on something (or someone) who is already benefiting your present and shows clear signs of also benefiting your future? Is the waiting process evolving you as an individual or is it causing you to remain stagnant in your personal development—or worse, go backwards? Do you have peace or anxiety during the waiting season? Are you waiting because you are afraid to try something else or new? Is the waiting season that you're in giving you a stronger sense of self or is it actually putting you on an emotional roller coaster ride?
The reason why patience is a virtue is because it's designed to make you a better person. If you know that the waiting that's going on really isn't doing that, then…well…you kinda have your answer—don't you?
Are You Staying Out of Love or Fear?
Love never fails. That's not a love song lyric; that is Scripture and it's the truth. If you don't retain anything else that we discussed here, remember this—the love you have for God and yourself, that should inspire you to want all of the good that this life has to offer. If you are remaining in a state of lack—again, whether it's personally or professionally—does that sound like a manifestation of love or remaining in a cycle of fear?
A writer by the name of Marilyn Ferguson once said, "Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom." If it's time to look something or one in the eye and say, "We've reached the 'all or nothing' portion of the program", remember that love always has an abundance to give you. Don't be so fearful of walking away from something or someone that you stay unfulfilled and, eventually, begin to suffer.
On the other side of moving on is freedom. Love, and all that it has to offer you, is never too far away from that. Happy National All Or Nothing Day, y'all!
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
“Sensitive” in the sense that I can’t just eat whatever and not feel the repercussions down there on some level (check out “Here’s What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Eat LESS Of”). Also, it’s weird, but certain types of underwear seem to make “her” roll her eyes at me, too; I think it’s because, as estrogen levels shift as we get older, vaginal walls and vulvar skin tends to become thinner and more fragile.
Factoring all of this in is why, not only do I get new pairs of panties every six months or so, but I also am a bit more particular about the kinds that I buy — these days, cute is still a priority; it’s just that they’ve gotta look good and have some of the specific qualities that I’m about to share with you now. And you know what? Ever since I’ve been more intentional and hypervigilant when it comes to my panty shopping list, my vagina really has been that much happier. She really has.
Now for my top 10 suggestions as far as panty shopping goes, please look for the following.
1. Natural Fibers
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For the sake of time and space, I’m going to use “vagina” for both the inner tube that connects your cervix to your vaginal opening (which is actually your vagina) and the outside of your vagina (which is your vulva) quite a bit. Just thought that should go on record to avoid any potential confusion.
That said, something that your vagina needs to do is breathe. That’s why, when it comes to the types of fabric that you should go with when it comes to your vagina, cotton needs to always top the list — well, that or bamboo, which is steadily becoming a fan favorite. That’s because it’s hypoallergenic, sustainable, contains antibacterial and antifungal, and (get this) it doesn’t shrink after several washes.
Another nice option is silk. It feels really soft on your skin, is pretty moisture-wicking (more on that in a sec), and, if you want panties that look and feel a bit more “high-end,” silk can get that done for you without irritating your skin like lace might. As far as synthetic fibers like nylon, polyester, and rayon? Eh, not for everyday wear. Satin is okay, but it really is best for lounging around in or for lingerie (same goes for lace).
As far as actual panty styles go, briefs (any cut), hipsters, bikinis, boy shorts, and mid-rise are wise options. They fit well and give your vagina and butt the space that it needs.
2. Moisture-Wicking
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As far as the whole moisture-wicking thing goes, when it comes to your undies and your workout wear, look for items that say that on the package and/or labels. Moisture-wicking simply means that the material is made in such a way that it draws moisture away from your body and onto the outer layer of whatever it is that you have on; as a result, it helps the moisture to dry faster. Your vagina benefits from this because it’s already naturally lubricated and warm down there — so when there is too much moisture, that can make it a breeding ground for vaginal infections if you’re not careful.
If you’re wondering which underwear brands are best as far as moisture-wicking is concerned, Women’s Health can hook you up. Check out their article, “18 Best Moisture-Wicking Underwear, Per Gynecologists And Reviews”.
3. Built-In Gussets
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You know that little pocket of fabric that’s on the inside of panties? It wasn’t until I saw a TikTok that featured a woman putting some dollar bills into it (you can get some context here) that I gave it much thought. Well, it’s called a gusset, and what it does is 1) make your panties stronger and 2) help to absorb moisture, so definitely get panties that include them (many thongs don’t, by the way).
Oh, and as far as that lil’ hack that I just mentioned? I’m not sure how you can discreetly get your moola out that way. Plus, money is dirtier than a toilet (which is why some restaurants have shifted to a card-only policy ever since COVID), so…there’s that. If you wanna test the hack out anyway, please wrap the money in a tiny plastic baggie first; just to be on the safe side.
4. Proper Fit
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If you’ve ever heard that 80 percent of women wear the wrong size bra,HuffPost recently ran a piece that claims that this finding is still true (get professionally fitted, y’all…it makes all the difference in the world!). And if that many of us aren’t wearing the right size up top, I’m pretty sure that plenty aren’t down below either. One way to know is if the band around your waist or thighs feels too snug. Another is if you can see your panty lines through your clothing.
And here’s the thing — when panties are too snug, they also trap in moisture, which can trigger an infection (if not immediately, eventually). Not only that, but they can irritate your vulva “thanks” (which is really, no thanks) to the friction that tight drawers can create. Sometimes, finding the right panties can be a bit of trial and error. That’s okay. It’s worth it to find the ones that fit you like a glove. I know this firsthand.
5. Ones That Stay Out of Your Butt Crack (No, Seriously)
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Thongs can be sexy. I get that. Personally, I can’t see comfortably keeping them on for more than a few minutes, which is why I think they’re a good foreplay option, and that’s about it (#Elmoshrug). Not only that, but they aren’t the most hygienic things in the world. You’ve got this thin piece of fabric that moves in and out of your butt crack, and that makes it easier for fecal matter to shift from your backside to your vagina (no joke). I mean, we’re taught to wipe from front to back, right? Thongs don’t care about that rule. And since there is reportedly one-tenth of a gram of crap in each pair of underwear already…yeah, wear things sparingly. Your vagina is begging you.
6. Stain-Free
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We all have “period drawers.” Still, if you’re someone who wears tampons or menstrual cups instead of pads, you really shouldn’t keep those around for more than 3-4 months tops. Although washing them (effectively) should get rid of the bacteria that come from the blood, there’s always a chance that it won’t. So, just to be on the safe side, don’t keep period panties forever simply because you only wear them once a month. Oh, and if you’ve always wondered about if period panties are safe — eh. Many do contain per- and poly-fluoroalkyl substances (PFAS), which are potentially harmful. You can read more about all of that here, here, and here so that you can come to a decision that is truly best for you.
7. Super Dry
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There’s nothing wrong with carrying a couple of extra panties along with you, just in case. Personally, I think the move is brilliant because if it’s a really hot day (for instance) and your panties are damp, putting on a fresh and dry pair will significantly reduce the chances of your vagina getting itchy and/or irritated. Yeah, if there’s one top rule for panties that your vagina absolutely adores, DRY ONES are what I’m sure she’s yelling from the very top of her lungs.
8. Not At Night
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Any part of your body being covered up for 24 hours at a time, seven days a week, nonstop, is going to cause some problems at some point (which is why some women opt to not wear panties, pretty much…ever; check out “10 Women Told Me Why They Stopped Wearing Panties (And They Don't Regret It)”). This is the reason why it really is a good idea to sleep naked (or at least with no panties on) as often as possible. It gives your vagina some time to literally chill out before it has to go through another, what, at least 12-16 hours of being cooped up on a pair of drawers again.
While we’re here, make sure that your sheets are made out of cotton, bamboo, silk, or some other type of breathable fiber. It’s pretty counterproductive to have no panties on, and yet you’re still sweating because your sheets aren’t moisture-wicking. Feel me?
9. Annual Swap Outs
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Listen, if there’s one thing that social media has taught me, it’s that some people have the strangest cleanliness (or lack thereof) habits on the entire planet. That’s why I take certain suggestions, by certain “folks”, with a grain of salt. For instance, even though some people think that panties don’t need an expiration date, I go with others who believe that they absolutely do (for instance, due to what I said about the whole thong thing).
I mean, if changing them a couple of times a day is a good move, why would I want to hold on to discharge, pubic hair and bacteria holders for longer than a year or so? Yeah, treat your vagina and yourself to no less than an annual new panty-shopping excursion. See it as self-maintenance self-love…because it is.
10. Hand-Washed Is Preferred. Because…
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If you’ve been on the fence about getting your own washer and dryer, Google articles on how nasty a washing machine (especially) can be — especially one at a public laundromat; it’s literally a breeding ground for all kinds of bacteria. I’ve even read before that one dirty item will easily spread to 90 percent of everything else in the washer. Lawd. That’s why, if you do have your own washing machine, you should clean it every month (some use bleach; I prefer white vinegar). And when it comes to your panties, you may want to go with handwashing them.
Not only will that help to keep the “gunk” in your washer away from your delicates, but you can also keep harsher detergents from irritating your vagina too (if you want to take a stab at making some of your own, a cool recipe is here). By the way, if you’re like me and you’ve got a ton of undies, a salad spinner (that’s solely devoted to cleaning your panties) can save you some time. You can read more about it here.
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Now that you know what kind of panties your vagina is actually into, if it’s time to get some new ones, budget for that. Underwear is certainly not a luxury. As you can see, a good quality pair is a necessity for all kinds of different reasons.
Your vagina does so much for you — take good care of her. Get some new (and vaginally responsible) drawers, chile. SOON.
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