Relationship Goals: The Ten Commandments Of Courting
Fellas, Boys Might Play, But A Man's On A Mission - Learn The Difference
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Shonda White
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
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<p>So, you and your partner aren't on the same level sexually...what do you do? Well, it depends. There's isn't one answer to this, there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Ordinarily, when we talk about not being on the same level sexually, it is in reference to <a data-linked-post="2641043545" href="https://www.xonecole.com/what-to-do-not-in-the-mood/" target="_blank">sex drives not being in sync</a>. But <a data-linked-post="2629764110" href="https://www.xonecole.com/dealing-with-sexually-incomptaible-spouse/" target="_blank">sexual incompatibility</a> can go beyond sex drives. In fact, two people can be sexually incompatible for a variety of reasons. Things like experience, patience, communication, <a data-linked-post="2632933769" href="https://www.xonecole.com/whats-your-signs-love-language-a-how-to-guide-to-gain-the-key-to-their-heart/" target="_blank">love language</a>, and even who your partner is to you and how you define that can come into play. </p><p>While some people might be able to drop the situation like a bad habit, others might find themselves in more committed partnerships like a long-term relationship or a marriage. If that's your reality, what's the solution? To further shed light on the conversation around being sexually incompatible, I asked four people who have experienced being on different levels sexually than their partners, and it went like this.</p>
Angie, 25
<p>When it came to Angie's experience, she felt like she didn't have enough. She had been dealing with a sexual partner who treated sex like a chore and got straight to it — no <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/afterplay-is-as-important-as-foreplay/" data-linked-post="2645315450" target="_blank">foreplay</a>, kissing, or any physical build-up to sex. "He would call me, we would smoke and that was everything that gave me that feeling," she explained. "I wanted foreplay. I wanted everything and I didn't know how to come out and say I need more sexually."</p> <p>As a solution, she brought the issue to his attention. She explained that she needed more to <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/4-healthy-foods-that-increase-sexual-pleasure/" data-linked-post="2526434929" target="_blank">get her in the mood</a> so that she could fully enjoy the experience. Unfortunately, he never made any improvements or attempts to fulfill her needs and she felt like it was starting to <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/husband-has-a-lower-libido/" data-linked-post="2644508141" target="_blank">affect her sex drive</a>.</p> <h5>"You just need that energy to feed off of and if us just smoking is the only thing giving me that drive, I can't give you anything else. If he gave me that energy back, it could have been a really good experience. Why would I give you all of this and you're giving me the <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/bare-minimum-twitter-raise-your-standards/" data-linked-post="2518486134" target="_blank">bare minimum</a>?" </h5><img lazy-loadable="true" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNTY3ODQwMy9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY2NTQ5NTM3N30.UKynROAiGPD0zzXy6H3YhuGirZVT-gcyJgJ4YNEDfCo/img.jpg?width=980" id="2c31a" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="de42ce0af32d7fb615dd942726b81d51" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="black-couple-in-bed-upset" data-width="1000" data-height="646" />
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Donny, 30
<p>With Donny, he experienced this in two different situations. The first time it happened, he was dealing with someone who wasn't on his level sexually. He felt prior to leading up to sex it had been overhyped and when it finally happened he was disappointed because the talk didn't match the action. "Sometimes women talk their sh*t like, 'You're not ready for this' or 'I'm going to put it on you' and when the time comes you don't know what you're doing. She was off her game." </p><h5>"Maybe we weren't flowing, but the second time around you need to bring your A-game. It didn't happen and I just chalked it up to maybe <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/i-am-not-my-body-count-so-stop-asking-about-my-number/" data-linked-post="2500799867" target="_blank">she didn't have that many sexual partners</a>."</h5><p><span></span>As for a solution, he never found one. It goes back to what I mentioned earlier about the solution depending on who your partner is. For both, this was a casual thing, so he didn't care to tell her or try to resolve it. However, there were cases where he saw things could be better and sent suggestions. He explained, "I'll send some links and gifs that will spice it up. I'll say, 'This looks fire, you think we could try it?' or something like that before I tell you it's wack. We all have the internet and I've learned how to use it to my advantage."</p><p><span></span>On the other hand, when he was dealing with someone who was older and more experienced, he found it fun and it made him appreciate the experience even more. "It was exciting and exhilarating because shorty went into at least two or three positions that I wasn't really ready for. She kind of wrapped her legs around my waist and did like a handstand but was still <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/how-to-have-great-sex-as-a-bbw-5-tips-i-learned-from-trial-error/" data-linked-post="2609849887" target="_blank">throwing it back</a>. I was somewhere in between trying not to nut because it's so lit and figuring out what I can do to challenge this because I didn't really have any moves."</p><p><span></span>With this, there wasn't a solution either. He couldn't keep up with her and didn't pursue the sexual relationship any further.</p><h5>"She bodied me. She definitely told me about myself and had every right to. She was like, 'I don't know if I can give this to you again.' This is why I don't do the bragging and I keep it super humble."<br></h5><img lazy-loadable="true" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNTY3ODQ0Mi9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzOTM4MDkwNH0.70vQiAtNtSsPdQJ3JD9Dr2Tn4qppvSQOaZUJrAwFv00/img.jpg?width=980" id="02460" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="de80d8574b3a24acfe991268dc50e620" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="black-couple-in-bed-upset" data-width="1000" data-height="667" />
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Ron
<p>Ron also experienced not being on the same level as his previous partner. At the time, he was younger and less experienced than his partner. During their <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/sexual-compatibility-is-equally-as-important-as-spiritual-compatibility/" data-linked-post="2584335970" target="_blank">sexual relationship</a>, he wasn't quite comfortable with all of the things his partner wanted. She wanted things that he didn't know if he was ready for. "It became an uncomfortable situation because she wanted <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/things-to-do-during-oral-sex/" data-linked-post="2649720487" target="_blank">oral</a>, <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/anal-sex/" data-linked-post="2500386781" target="_blank">anal</a>, and all these different things, and I was just on the first step. So it can feel like the person is taking the lead or you're not pleasing them and it becomes more of a chore instead of an experience with one another. It was definitely uncomfortable. I think that that definitely ruined the relationship."</p> <p>Before things went south, he did make an effort to salvage the relationship while trying to find a solution that would please both of them. When Ron brought up the issue, his partner started to compare him to her other partners. Unfortunately, things continued to get even more uncomfortable and they ended up going their separate ways. Although they didn't find a solution, he learned a lot from the experience. Ron explained:</p> <h5>"If there was more patience, more of a gradual growth towards things, and open-mindedness about the situation in the first place before anything occurred, I think that I could have understood more of where she was and she would have understood where I was instead of having expectations for one another."</h5> <p>He also learned that when it comes to sex and dealing with people, there's so much that correlates with it and people's sex drives. If you really want to make things work, you may have to sacrifice some things, be understanding to your partner, and have a level of patience if finding a solution is important to everyone involved. </p><img lazy-loadable="true" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNTY3ODQ1Ny9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYyOTM3NjU3M30.fXtrBs2zTmTsy0aod9zK6u6xdEIBNqoqeIYm5gTynuk/img.jpg?width=980" id="c4b83" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="c9240a42d33783ff236135450791e795" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="black-couple-in-bed-upset" data-width="1000" data-height="667" />
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Monet, 33
<p>Last but not least, I was able to speak with Monet and she highlighted the importance of listening to your body. She emphasized that being <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/jayson-aaron-xoman-interview/" data-linked-post="2640710427" target="_blank">spiritually aware</a> and attuned with your body and vagina allows you to get a better sense of <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/vagina-wants/" data-linked-post="2649326008" target="_blank">what your vagina wants</a>. She continued, "I'm a very spiritual person and I do a lot of meditating with my vagina, so me and my vagina are on the same page. I can literally hear when she's not interested in something and so she will literally tell me, 'Yo, this is not where I want to be and this is not what I want to be doing'."</p> <p>In a time where she was sexually incompatible with her partner, she felt one of the reasons was because she rejected what her vagina was telling her. She explain the experience like this, "We were really cool, we had a great relationship as far as being able to communicate [and have] great energy. It was like a best friend relationship but there was <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/chemistry-in-love/" data-linked-post="2569979178" target="_blank">chemistry</a>. So we did decide to try to make it into a sexual relationship, but the energy when we started to get intimate was thrown off. There was no chemistry, it was awkward, and it became a forced situation."</p> <p>Monet ended up ending the sexual relationship and because she realized this is not what her vagina nor body wanted. She ignored what her body was telling her and learned that she need to be more disciplined with what her body was telling her and try not to force anything. </p><h5>"We can be spiritual our whole lives, have that intuition, and a voice within us but until you become spiritually aware with that voice, able to really listen to it, and be disciplined enough to listen to that voice, a lot of decisions that put you in situations you don't want to be in can be avoided if we just listen to our intuition and voice."</h5> <p>You may not have to end every relationship, but knowing when to say when is paramount. Additionally, with each interview, communication has proven to be key when overcoming a situation with sexual incompatibility. It's important to communicate what you're feeling (or not feeling) with your partner and determine if sexual incompatibility is something you both are willing to work through. </p>If so, here are a few things to consider:
<h4>Having patience</h4><p>You'll need to understand that finding a solution won't be easy and it will take some time. You have to have patience and move at a pace that both of you are comfortable with.</p> <h4>Exploring other forms of physical intimacy</h4><p>If getting in the mood is an issue, there are many ways to feel stimulated aside from penetrative sex. You can explore different types of physical intimacy like <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/before-you-lean-in-for-another-kiss-read-this/" data-linked-post="2637634236" target="_blank">kissing</a>, cuddling, <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/lingam-massage-tantric-orgasm/" data-linked-post="2641662116" target="_blank">massaging</a>, etc. to reinforce sexual activity. Start with this and add more once the time feels right.</p> <h4>Creating a sex menu</h4><p>You can also explore <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/new-sex-positions-to-try/" data-linked-post="2645076507" target="_blank">different sex postions</a> and activities. Whether this be solo or together, there are ways to improve sex and find a happy medium where both partners are satisfied.</p> <h4>Rethinking monogamy </h4><p>If none of these options seem to work, you may also want to consider <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/nonmonogamy-solution-cheating/" data-linked-post="2587663800" target="_blank">rethinking monogamy</a>. There are several options like polyamory, <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/types-of-relationships/" data-linked-post="2648918978" target="_blank">open relationships</a>, or even inviting others to the bedroom (<a href="https://www.xonecole.com/what-is-a-threesome-like/" data-linked-post="2649766488" target="_blank">threesomes</a>). Be open-minded when it comes to finding a solution that works best for you and your partner.</p><p><strong>Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the <a href="https://members.xonecole.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">xoTribe Members Community</a> today!</strong></p><div class="ad-tag">
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<p><em> Featured image by Shutterstock</em></p>From Your Site Articles
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Celebrity News
DeVon Franklin Says Only A Woman Like Meagan Good Could Have Ended His Decade-Long Celibacy
13h
<p><a data-linked-post="2643783694" href="https://www.xonecole.com/meagan-good-devon-franklin-the-one/" target="_blank">DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good</a>'s start of their relationship was interesting to say the least, and a story that they have told many times over. It was pretty standard for both of them: boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy thinks girl is out of his league. Girl meets boy, girls like boy, girl starts telling everyone that he was <a data-linked-post="2639074335" href="https://www.xonecole.com/meagan-good-pray/" target="_blank">her husband</a>. </p>
<div id="7ce6b" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="a063ba8db4d787583f5b2a23dd205367"><blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CFqE_OeBijP/"
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</div></blockquote></div><p>But there was one factor to their relationship that wasn't as ordinary: <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/fantasia-shares-celibacy-fasting-ultimately-led-love-happiness/" data-linked-post="2500975950" target="_blank">celibacy</a>. More specifically, <em>his</em> celibacy, set to the tune of ten entire years. Ten. Decade. Diaz. Dix. </p><p>Fortunately for the happy couple, the stars aligned at the right time, and the two have stood by each other's side ever since. </p><p><span></span><span></span>In 2011, the two began dating after getting to know each other on the set of the film <em>Jumping the Broom,</em> and the two eventually got married in June 2012. According to the actress, their marriage was preordained by God.</p><blockquote>"The first thing that God told me was that it was time to get out of [a not-so-great] relationship. The second thing that God told me was that it was time to be celibate. The third thing that God told me was that Devon was my husband."</blockquote><p>But it was when the two joined Oprah on the OWN Network's <em>Super Soul Sunday </em>to discuss that we learned how their relationship is deeper than what they could ever express. </p>
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On why Franklin decided to be celibate:
<div id="7dacf" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="f44cd339b79fd5ea50890690bf74bb91"><blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CGVZ1b0BTwS/" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-version="4" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"> <div style="padding:8px;"> <div style=" background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:50% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;"> <div style=" background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAAGFBMVEUiIiI9PT0eHh4gIB4hIBkcHBwcHBwcHBydr+JQAAAACHRSTlMABA4YHyQsM5jtaMwAAADfSURBVDjL7ZVBEgMhCAQBAf//42xcNbpAqakcM0ftUmFAAIBE81IqBJdS3lS6zs3bIpB9WED3YYXFPmHRfT8sgyrCP1x8uEUxLMzNWElFOYCV6mHWWwMzdPEKHlhLw7NWJqkHc4uIZphavDzA2JPzUDsBZziNae2S6owH8xPmX8G7zzgKEOPUoYHvGz1TBCxMkd3kwNVbU0gKHkx+iZILf77IofhrY1nYFnB/lQPb79drWOyJVa/DAvg9B/rLB4cC+Nqgdz/TvBbBnr6GBReqn/nRmDgaQEej7WhonozjF+Y2I/fZou/qAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;"> </div></div><p style=" margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;"> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CGVZ1b0BTwS/" style=" color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;" target="_top"></a></p> </div></blockquote></div><blockquote>"I was raised in the church. So from a very early age, I was taught, you know, wait--you gotta wait 'til marriage. And I definitely subscribed to that. But when I got in high school, I didn't wait. But I was still telling people that I was waitng because I didn't have enough courage to let people know that I made a different choice in my life."</blockquote><p>He continued:</p><blockquote>"I started preaching when I was 15, so I was teaching people how to live. I felt like I was doing that publicly. But privately I was doing something different. And the public person and the private person were at war. I had no peace."</blockquote><div class="ad-tag">
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<p>He goes on to discuss being in a bad relationship as well, and him speaking to God about helping him. </p><blockquote>"I said, God, I don't have enough strength to get out of this, but if you get me out of this relationship, then I am going to practice 'the wait.' so I can align my public self with my private self so I can have peace."</blockquote><p>And since that day, he began practicing celibacy with an iron fist and didn't break his promise until his wife Meagan came along:</p><h5>"Because if I have no discipline in sex before marriage, then I have no discipline in sex after marriage. What you've practiced, and what habits you have, are still there." </h5>
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And what Meagan shared what she learned in waiting too:
<p>One of the most profound moments came when Meagan told it like it is on how we can determine <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/an-overlooked-yet-obvious-sign-that-a-man-is-truly-marriage-material/" data-linked-post="2622437324" target="_blank">who is husband material</a>. When Oprah asks, "Women usually say, 'I can wait.' But if I don't at some point, I am going to lose him. So your waiting doesn't work unless the other person is waiting too right?"</p><blockquote>"That was a big issue for me because if he does leave me because I am not worth him waiting in his eyes, then he's not my husband. If someone does not think I am worthy of wanting to be the best version of myself, and wanting to get healing, and wanting to set myself up for success, if they won't do that with me, then I don't want to spend the rest of my life with them." </blockquote><div class="ad-tag">
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Watch the full video below:
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<p>--</p><h4>Are you a member of our insiders squad? <a href="https://members.xonecole.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today</a>!<br/></h4><p><em>Featured image by Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com</em></p>From Your Site Articles
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<p><em><a href="https://www.xonecole.com/money-talks/" target="_self">Money Talks</a> is an xoNecole series where we talk candidly to real women about how they spend money, their relationship with money, and how they spend it.</em></p><p><em></em>Self-proclaimed "Olivia Pope of Branding" <a href="https://www.timeeshaduncan.com" target="_blank">Timeesha Duncan</a> is no stranger to saving her finances. With a savings plan incorporating putting away 20% of what she earns per month into her savings, which she invests into a <a href="https://www.bankrate.com/banking/savings/best-high-yield-interests-savings-accounts/" target="_blank">high-yield savings account</a>, this personal brand strategist and experiential consultant is successfully developing generational wealth. Today, Timeesha is recognized as an international best-selling author, serial entrepreneur, brand marketing expert and educator who helps transform their ideas into income, monetize their genius, build strong sense of communities and social impact through leadership.</p><p>The Atlanta, Georgia resident by way of Bronx, New York has a strong belief that people should quit codependency when it comes to relying on others to fill financial gaps and not relying too much on the social security boat to pull into the dock. By building a lucrative Instagram brand and parlaying that into public speaking, writing and coaching, Timeesha left the C-Suite of Coca-Cola after her nine-year tenure to rake in the profits for herself and her family - ultimately taking control of her income and her finances by the reins. She is currently a podcast host alongside her husband on <em>Fix My Brand</em> and co-founder of national workshops The Mogul Builder and The Bombshell Experience.</p><p><strong>In this installment of "Money Talks", xoNecole spoke with <a href="https://www.instagram.com/timeeshaduncan/" target="_blank">Timeesha Duncan</a> on letting go of unhealthy money mindsets, wealth being more than having physical capital and splurging on a coach to elevate her business.</strong></p>
<p class=""><em>Featured image courtesy of Timeesha Duncan</em></p><p><em>Originally published in September 2020</em></p>
<img lazy-loadable="true" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzU4NzcxNS9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYyNTQxMjE0NH0.VZIbjPaoodyQHiVm_QVx6vwUhW68CiY3BrpH-hbKfvw/img.png?width=980" id="1733f" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="99fdb1c70b3715745ddecebb7f89247d" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="800" data-height="800" />
Courtesy of Timeesha Duncan
On her definitions of wealth and success:
<p>"Wealth to me is not just having physical capital, but having worth, assets, and possessions that accumulate value over time. Success is being able to accomplish things that make you happy. It's not about reaching a certain level of income or status. If you are happy at what you've accomplished, you're successful."</p>On the lowest she’s ever felt when it came to her finances and how she overcame it:
<p>"Three weeks after <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/how-chelsea-hayes-quit-the-corporate-world-used-communications-savvy-to-get-the-bag/" data-linked-post="2634724182" target="_blank">I left my corporate job</a>, I made $12,000 from an online course I created. It felt awesome. However, my next course flopped. I had put in all this work and not a single person bought the course. Right around the same time, my mortgage was due and I had -$67 in the bank. I didn't have another product to sell, no income and no hope. I would literally just stare at my computer hoping some bright idea would fall from the sky to help get me back on track but it didn't. I would look at others in my industry, who appeared to be killing it, and yet I was sitting on the sidelines. I went into a deep depression. I was stuck and couldn't get out of it. My ability to create was gone. I started to regret the decision I made to quit my job. I lost my motivation and had to file for unemployment to help me get back on my feet.</p><p>"My mind wanted to give up, but my heart kept tugging at me to keep going. My family pushed me to rediscover my talents, stop feeling sorry for myself, and get to work. I started revisiting comments, and emails from previous clients on how I helped shape their business and changed their lives. This helped to recharge me. So I decided to give it another shot. The next course I created made over $25K which was double what I made the last time. That was the reassurance I needed to keep going." </p><div class="ad-tag">
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On her biggest splurge to date:
<p>"I spent over $60K on a coach to help me grow my business. I was excited about working with this particular coach because I felt she could take my brand to superstar status."</p><img lazy-loadable="true" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzU4NzcxNC9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzNDE3NjM1MX0.IcHDXuSGG_YpVxKapoWmAphvkWjDWTfIAxtDEAjjM5Y/img.png?width=980" id="f670b" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="f232a5cfde18d52548d008d60290a8a5" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="800" data-height="800" />
Courtesy of Timeesha Duncan
<h5>"I made $12,000 from an online course I created. It felt awesome. However, my next course flopped. I had put in all this work and not a single person bought the course. Right around the same time, my mortgage was due and I had -$67 in the bank. I didn't have another product to sell, no income and no hope. I would literally just stare at my computer hoping some bright idea would fall from the sky to help get me back on track but it didn't. I would look at others in my industry, who appeared to be killing it, and yet I was sitting on the sidelines. I went into a deep depression. I was stuck and couldn't get out of it."</h5>On whether she’s a spender or a saver:
<p>"I'm definitely a spender. I have always had a hard time saving money. If I see something I want, I buy it. I learned over the years that I had a bad relationship with money and I needed to reverse it or I would be broke forever (laughs). I love money and numbers but not accounting." </p><div class="ad-tag">
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On her savings goals and what retirement looks like to her:
<p>"I want to be able to save at least $15K-$30K each month. Retirement looks like me having seven-figures in the bank, several <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/building-million-dollar-real-estate-portfolio/" data-linked-post="2645172949" target="_blank">investment properties</a>, and a house on a beach."</p>On the importance of investing:
<p>"Investing is very important to me because I don't want my children to ever need or want for anything if something happens to me. I've had investment properties in the past and currently looking for more to acquire, and recently started investing in stocks and trading." </p>On her budget-friendly must-haves:
<p>"I'm actually a <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/the-budgetnista/" data-linked-post="2640498988" target="_blank">budgetnista</a>. I enjoy finding great things on a budget. I shop at thrift stores a lot to find low-cost, one-of-a-kind items. My press-on nails are my biggest budget must-have. I can't live without them. I have been wearing press-on nails for over a year now which has saved me about $720/year on getting my nails done twice a month. I used to also spend about $300/month on my lashes. I found the perfect lash strips from Walmart that cost me $4.88 and those are also a must-have. I check Amazon first before I buy anything, which also helps to save on items."</p><div class="ad-tag">
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<img lazy-loadable="true" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzU4NzcxOC9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY3NjgxMjI1NH0.q0xnTvTSe--CnSjN7vLqBR0p6dxkwXLBILkz4sHi_es/img.png?width=980" id="ba5ef" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="87fa15400d53bdf607b010582f6aa7cf" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="800" data-height="800" />
Courtesy of Timeesha Duncan
<h5>"My intention behind having multiple ways to make money came from me not wanting to run out of it. As a business owner, I realize that every business has seasons. When I started my business I only had one offer, and when that 'season' was slow, I wasn't making any money. So I needed to create different ways for others to work with me. I also wanted to meet my clients where they were."</h5>On her intentions behind multiple streams of income:
<p>"I provide 1-1 coaching, which is a more personal experience for my VIP clients and corporations, I also have online courses, books, a membership program, speaking engagements, and brand sponsorships. My intention behind having multiple ways to make money came from me not wanting to run out of it. As a business owner, I realize that every business has seasons. When I started my business I only had one offer, and when that 'season' was slow, I wasn't making any money. So I needed to create different ways for others to work with me. I also wanted to meet my clients where they were. Some are not ready for the 1-1 experience just yet and want other ways to experience working with me."</p>On unhealthy money habits and mindsets:
<p>"I always looked at money as 'the root of all evil', or that money was limited because 'money doesn't grow on trees'. And therefore, subconsciously I felt bad when I made a lot of money. Maybe that's why I could never keep it. I eventually realized that those are not true and were just sayings that were fed to me by my parents because that's what was told to them. Changing my view of money and inviting it into my atmosphere, instead of pushing it away has truly helped me to prosper. I started making more money and it would come from places I wouldn't even expect. When I'm closed off, the money faucet closes too."</p><div class="ad-tag">
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On her money mantra:
<p>"You only live once. Buy the shoes."</p>On the craziest thing she’s ever done for money:
<p>"I was hosting a conference and didn't have enough money to pay for all the expenses so I took out a title loan on my car. I regretted that because the interest rate was super high, and I never paid the loan off. It took me years to get my title back."</p>On the worst money-related decision she’s ever made:
<p>"Investing $60K in a coach. I wouldn't say it was the worst decision I made, but I honestly wasn't ready for that type of coach. I invested the money because I thought this person was going to give me a 'magic pill' to success. It took a while before I realized there is no such thing as a magic pill. I would have invested that money so differently, if I had hindsight 20/20 back then."</p><div class="ad-tag">
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<img lazy-loadable="true" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzU4NzcyMC9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY2MzA5MTQzOH0.wK1UpnNAMUXtGF_Fo4JgXBsKxbPZR8DgqUkNvEqdEbM/img.png?width=980" id="ea1b5" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="0428967cdef871bf3cb9331b285adadd" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="800" data-height="800" />
Courtesy of Timeesha Duncan
<h5>"Changing my view of money and inviting it into my atmosphere, instead of pushing it away has truly helped me to prosper. I started making more money and it would come from places I wouldn't even expect. When I'm closed off, the money faucet closes too."</h5>On her budget breakdown:
<p><strong><em>How much do you spend on eating out/ordering in? </em></strong></p><p><span></span>"I love to cook, but staying in the house for six months has me tired of looking at (and cleaning) my stove. We've been ordering out a lot lately. So feeding a family of four a couple of times a week is about $125."</p><p><em><strong><span></span>Gas/car note? </strong></em></p><p><span></span>"Excited that I will be paying off my S550 this month, so goodbye car note! Corona has helped a lot with keeping gas expenses down, but it's about $60 to fill up with premium gas, so I would say about $120 -$150 a month."</p><p><strong><em><span></span>Personal expenses?</em></strong></p><p>"Massage Membership, $100/month. Pedicure every two weeks, $50/month. Eyebrows maintenance every two weeks, $20/month. Haircuts and products, $75/month. Drinks with the girls twice a month, $100. If Amazon or Sephora bullies me into buying something I don't need, $100/month."</p><h4>For more of Timeesha, follow her on <a href="https://www.timeeshaduncan.com/" target="_blank">Instagram</a>.</h4>
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<p>Our soul sister in our head, Ms. <a data-linked-post="2646442062" href="https://www.xonecole.com/kelly-rowland-beyonce/" target="_blank">Kelly Rowland</a>, recently welcomed her second precious baby boy, Noah Jon, last month. And *insert screams here* she has already <a data-linked-post="2641484381" href="https://www.xonecole.com/tia-mowry-postpartum-weight-loss/" target="_blank">snapped back</a> to her slim, trim, swim figure! Once the five-time Grammy winner got the green light from her doctors, she was mentally prepped to get back into her fitness routine, and sis, I just want to know, like...how?! </p>
<img lazy-loadable="true" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNTY5MzE4MS9vcmlnaW4uZ2lmIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0NDU1Mjc3NH0.sBR82k718eAlXiSqGbUPhOpD4BsDi7847VdisNinvt8/img.gif?width=980" id="29e0a" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="93fbbca06a129e5813a8f64dc099a801" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="414" data-height="715" />
Kelly Rowland/Instagram
<p>Rowland took to Instagram to show off her incredible post-pregnancy bod, posting a video in blue Fabletics gear, as she prepared to head back to the gym. The 40-year-old was all smiles as she told her 10.9M followers: </p><blockquote>"So, I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I was actually finally able to put me in a cute little Fabletics outfit. It's the Propel look, to propel me forward to working out, because I'm excited to get to work out again. I got two more weeks 'til I can!"</blockquote><p>She was excited, hitting a few running poses, and showing us all up, <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/how-i-overcame-postpartum-depression/" data-linked-post="2646807774" target="_blank">postpartum</a>, at the same damn time. </p><div id="5c57d" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="5b027add6c209f188fc66e2cf1d02e8d"><blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CLIgndAFT1Z/"
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</div></blockquote></div><p>Prior to blowing our minds, last month, Rowland and husbae, Tim Weatherspoon, welcomed Noah, as she embraced a full circle moment for their family captioning the announcement:</p><blockquote>"On the 21st day, of the 21st year, of the 21st Century, Noah Jon Weatherspoon greeted us! We are truly grateful."</blockquote><p>Additionally, of being <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/5-millennial-moms-like-raise-child-new-york/" data-linked-post="2513037762" target="_blank">a new mom</a> as a mother-of-two, Rowland recently told Billboard:</p><blockquote>"I still don't know how to be a mother of two, exactly, but I'm figuring it out. It's going to be a unique experience--Titan's not like anyone else on this planet, Noah's not like anyone else on this planet. I'm still navigating myself through motherhood. So the less pressure I put on myself and allow myself grace--because I'm not going to get it right every single time. I think it's only fair to just breathe and use your instincts to navigate your way through. But I've learned not to put so much pressure on myself and to let my creativity flow."</blockquote><p>Hallelu.</p>
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And if you can remember, Rowland's post-bod after giving birth to first son, Titan, was just as jaw-dropping.
<div id="9e94c" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="055ce75a65dcdc580dce4055e52d035c"><blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/xA3CfTv-Yv/" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-version="4" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"> <div style="padding:8px;"> <div style=" background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:50% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;"> <div style=" background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAAGFBMVEUiIiI9PT0eHh4gIB4hIBkcHBwcHBwcHBydr+JQAAAACHRSTlMABA4YHyQsM5jtaMwAAADfSURBVDjL7ZVBEgMhCAQBAf//42xcNbpAqakcM0ftUmFAAIBE81IqBJdS3lS6zs3bIpB9WED3YYXFPmHRfT8sgyrCP1x8uEUxLMzNWElFOYCV6mHWWwMzdPEKHlhLw7NWJqkHc4uIZphavDzA2JPzUDsBZziNae2S6owH8xPmX8G7zzgKEOPUoYHvGz1TBCxMkd3kwNVbU0gKHkx+iZILf77IofhrY1nYFnB/lQPb79drWOyJVa/DAvg9B/rLB4cC+Nqgdz/TvBbBnr6GBReqn/nRmDgaQEej7WhonozjF+Y2I/fZou/qAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;"> </div></div><p style=" margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;"> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/xA3CfTv-Yv/" style=" color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;" target="_top"></a></p> </div></blockquote></div><p>Sis, the waist was snatched! Like...how?</p><h4>Watch the full video <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CLu-OhMA2H1/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link" target="_blank">here</a>. </h4>
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<p class="">--</p><h4>Are you a member of our insiders squad? <a href="https://members.xonecole.com/" target="_blank">Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today</a>!<br/></h4><p><em>Featured image by DFree / Shutterstock.com</em></p>
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<p>I celebrated my 30th birthday recently. I have not perished into a pillar of salt, so I guess you can say I'm doing pretty well. Society puts so much emphasis on <a data-linked-post="2639291159" href="https://www.xonecole.com/i-booked-a-solo-trip-to-hawaii-for-a-week-to-overcome-my-social-anxiety/" target="_blank">turning the big 3-0</a> that we forget the <a data-linked-post="2640311512" href="https://www.xonecole.com/tracee-ellis-ross-opens-up-about-surpassing-her-own-expectations-finally-feeling-whole-at-age-46/" target="_blank">gift of aging</a> and the fruitfulness of life. It's time to reframe your focus around a milestone birthday and thinking you have to have everything figured out. You do not have to marginalize your success because it happened after 21, 30, 40, or beyond. Your only job is to take stock of all that you have accomplished despite <a data-linked-post="2624884227" href="https://www.xonecole.com/ways-to-protect-your-peace/" target="_blank">internal battles</a>, naysayers, and physical discomfort. </p><h5>The fact that you are still standing is proof of your strength and tenacity.</h5><p>On my journey through <a data-linked-post="2650340342" href="https://www.xonecole.com/black-womanhood-throughout-the-decades/" target="_blank">womanhood</a>, I am lucky enough to have learned a few invaluable life lessons. I have thirty years of memories, some great, some good, and others are OK. Each memory has stretched and molded me into the person I am today. Below, I share with you my thoughts on turning thirty and things you should consider. </p>
<p><em>Featured image by Shutterstock </em><br/></p>
30 Thoughts on Turning 30: Lessons to Live By
<div id="3d337" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="f7ff2204f0d4580ba6494e2993dbe08e"><blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CI62S8OFMzc/" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-version="4" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:658px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"> <div style="padding:8px;"> <div style=" background:#F8F8F8; line-height:0; margin-top:40px; padding:50% 0; text-align:center; width:100%;"> <div style=" background:url(data:image/png;base64,iVBORw0KGgoAAAANSUhEUgAAACwAAAAsCAMAAAApWqozAAAAGFBMVEUiIiI9PT0eHh4gIB4hIBkcHBwcHBwcHBydr+JQAAAACHRSTlMABA4YHyQsM5jtaMwAAADfSURBVDjL7ZVBEgMhCAQBAf//42xcNbpAqakcM0ftUmFAAIBE81IqBJdS3lS6zs3bIpB9WED3YYXFPmHRfT8sgyrCP1x8uEUxLMzNWElFOYCV6mHWWwMzdPEKHlhLw7NWJqkHc4uIZphavDzA2JPzUDsBZziNae2S6owH8xPmX8G7zzgKEOPUoYHvGz1TBCxMkd3kwNVbU0gKHkx+iZILf77IofhrY1nYFnB/lQPb79drWOyJVa/DAvg9B/rLB4cC+Nqgdz/TvBbBnr6GBReqn/nRmDgaQEej7WhonozjF+Y2I/fZou/qAAAAAElFTkSuQmCC); display:block; height:44px; margin:0 auto -44px; position:relative; top:-22px; width:44px;"> </div></div><p style=" margin:8px 0 0 0; padding:0 4px;"> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CI62S8OFMzc/" style=" color:#000; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none; word-wrap:break-word;" target="_top"></a></p> </div></blockquote></div><ol><li>We have the power to <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/how-to-make-vision-board/" data-linked-post="2649638261" target="_blank">manifest the things we want</a> and desire by focusing on <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/habit-stacking/" data-linked-post="2627887288" target="_blank">specific goals</a>. The more clear and concise you are, the better.</li><li>Write everything down you want to do, even if you are not brave enough to say them out loud. </li><li>You do not have to be loud to be seen by others, but you need to show up and <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/dr-joy-therapy-for-black-girls/" data-linked-post="2625626677" target="_blank">do the work</a>. </li><li>Everything on your mind does not have to be shared or tweeted. </li><li>Being a <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/moment-of-honesty-im-tired/" data-linked-post="2645970984" target="_blank">strong woman is not a badge of honor</a>, and you are allowed to ask for help and accept it. Even Wonder Woman had the Justice League to support her. </li><li>Some of your biggest heartbreaks will not come from romantic relationships but <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/how-my-female-friendships-became-the-most-heartbreaking-loving-relationships-of-my-twenties/" data-linked-post="2568184443" target="_blank">the loss of a friendship</a>. Take the time you need to process what happened and wish them well. </li><li>You are not obligated to stay with anybody who does not see your worth; staying prolongs the inevitable. </li><li>Bad relationships do not dictate the rest of your life. It can, however, showcase a pattern where you are the common denominator. </li><li>Becoming a mother at 21 did not cripple me; it gave me <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/boss-women-biggest-career-lessons/" data-linked-post="2642914189" target="_blank">purpose</a>. Whether you had a child before you were ready or not, know there is help for those that ask. </li><li>Creating the life you want to live takes courage to put yourself out there, action to get started, and <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/boss-women-learning-implementing-self-discipline/" data-linked-post="2648132257" target="_blank">discipline</a> to follow-through. </li><li><a href="https://www.xonecole.com/i-used-xonecole-articles-to-plan-my-first-solo-trip-heres-what-i-learned/" data-linked-post="2631430879" target="_blank">Travel alone</a> at least once in your life. You will make new friends along the way if you are open. </li><li>Parents make mistakes. Forgive them for what they do not know. </li><li>Happy people have green grass - water often. </li><li>Forgiveness is for you, not others. </li><li>Before you can love anyone else, you must <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/how-to-truly-love-yourself/" data-linked-post="2641053860" target="_blank">love yourself</a>. </li><li>A smile is universal. But you are not obligated to do it. </li><li>Practicing gratitude will help you remember all the good in your life. It will also help you express compassion, build stronger relationships, and improve your mental health. </li><li><a href="https://www.xonecole.com/these-are-the-type-of-relationships-that-definitely-need-boundaries/" data-linked-post="2640068672" target="_blank">Boundaries</a> are a form of self-care. </li><li>No is a complete sentence, period.</li><li>Relinquishing control does not make you weak. Sometimes it can give you the time to focus more on yourself. </li><li>Establish systems to help you excel in life. Part of success is knowing what you are not good at and finding ways around it. </li><li>A good therapist is hard to find. You are allowed to keep looking until you find the right fit. </li><li>Generational curses are no match for the favor you have over your life. </li><li>Women are dynamic. You can twerk, love a mimosa without orange juice, and still handle your business. </li><li>You have to teach people how to treat you. The way you believe you should be treated <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/no-your-standards-arent-too-high-settling-for-crumbs-will-leave-you-starved/" data-linked-post="2624656339" target="_blank">sets the standard</a> for how others approach you. </li><li>Big girls take accountability for their actions and accept the consequences. When the roles are clear, people are held accountable, and work gets done efficiently and effectively. </li><li>If you have the knees of Meg Thee Stallion, then you are blessed. Do some hot girl shit. </li><li>Think before you speak. Your words hold power. </li><li>It's important to establish a healthy relationship with money. <a href="https://www.xonecole.com/ways-to-save-money-quarantine/" data-linked-post="2646404167" target="_blank">Save money</a> from each paycheck, even if only $20.</li><li>It is always a good idea to celebrate yourself. It does not have to be a special day or your birthday to indulge in the things you like. </li></ol><p>Keep glowing, girl. </p><p><strong>Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the <a href="https://members.xonecole.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">xoTribe Members Community</a> today!</strong></p>From Your Site Articles
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