Ever Wonder What It Means To Be Bitter? The Answer Might Surprise You.
You know, there's a Scripture in the Bible that basically says bitterness causes trouble (Hebrews 12:15). And once you see some of the telling signs that someone is indeed a bitter person, I think it will be easy to understand why that point rings oh so very true. Because as an author by the name of Christine E. Szymanski once said, "If you are working hard to be a better you, you will have no time to be bitter." This basically implies that bitterness makes one stagnant and if you're choosing a mindset that literally keeps you stuck, there is nothing about it that benefits you in the long run.
What's really crazy is some folks out here have been bitter for so long that they don't even realize that it has taken over them. Therefore, just so we're all clear on what it means to be a bitter individual, here are eight strong indicators that you could very well be struggling with bitterness on some level. Take a deep breath, now. This might get a little bumpy before it all smooths out.
1. Bitter People Generalize
I can't stand it and I'm quite open about it. Whenever I see some article, social media post or television show that anchors its entire point on "men are trash", I immediately move on to something else. This is definitely a great place to start because no one has encountered every man which means to say that ALL men are trash is a toxic form of generalization. Not only that but, chances are, one has come to that conclusion either because 1) they keep making poor choices and refuse to take some personal accountability and/or 2) they are just repeating what they've heard other people state. Both reasons are counterproductive as all get out too. Not only that but if you decide to stay in such an unhealthy space, you could actually program your mind to believe that statement is true which could also mean that you won't even be able to see a good man when he does come along (if he's not present already).
What I just shared is one example of what it means to generalize. The bottom line is a great definition of generalize is "to infer or form (a general principle, opinion, conclusion, etc.) from only a few facts, examples, or the like". Did you peep the "few facts" part? People who generalize usually are coming from a space of limited information or flat-out ignorance. Nothing about that sounds like a progressive way of thinking. Hmph. No wonder this is a sign of being bitter.
2. Bitter People Hold Grudges
After watching how a lot of married couples got down as I was growing up and then after sitting through countless sessions with many of them now, if there is one thing that I'm sure of, it's that holding grudges is a manipulative power play. C'mon. What is the point of walking around, for days on end, either barely speaking or not speaking at all, just because you're mad or upset about something? And don't tell me after you just read that, that it didn't look childish as all get out to you too. Holding a grudge is about being resentful and oftentimes, it's also a way of trying to "bait someone in" with your bad energy until you can convince them to do or see things your way. It's literally conveying, "I won't move until I get what I want." And yes, bitter people are a lot like this (even if they do it from a passive aggressive angle).
Am I saying that if you are hurt/angry/disappointed that needing some time to cool off and process means that you're bitter? No. What I am saying is people who feel that way who aren't bitter individuals tend to be solutions-oriented. They want to resolve whatever the matter is as soon as possible. As a bonus, they respect time to the point where they don't take it for granted. People who hold grudges are typically so caught up in themselves that they don't even realize how much time they are wasting pouting, delving out the silent treatment or conjuring up whatever other stratagems they've got up their sleeve. Life's too short to hold grudges. Bitter people don't care about that. That's their problem.
3. Bitter People Complain a Lot
Whenever I think about complainers, it's actually another Scripture that comes to mind. The beginning of Philippians 2:13(NKJV) starts off by saying, "Do all things without complaining and disputing…" If you want to take this even further, on the way to the Promised Land, the Israelites spent 40 years on what was supposed to be an 11-day trip in the wilderness; in part, because they complained so much (Deuteronomy 1:1-3). Talk about a sobering life lesson. It took half a lifetime to go 11 days? How is that worth anything? Being out here, constantly talking (or is it whining?) about how unhappy you are, how difficult someone is or how much you wish something (or someone) would be better or different isn't really helping you to get anything accomplished…now is it?
Bitter folks don't think this far. They are literally the walking definition of wallowing in one's own mess. It's almost like they're addicted to negativity so much that they repel any kind of positivity or perspectives that can help them to feel better and handle things differently. I'm pretty sure we all know a chronic complainer. Think about how being around them makes you feel. Yeah, that's another thing about bitter people. They will literally drain the life outta you if you let them. That's why spending as little time in their presence as possible is best.
4. Bitter People Shift Blame
Whew. This one right here, y'all. One sign that someone is a responsible adult is they hold themselves personally accountable. What does that mean? They don't use other people to justify or defend their own bad choices. They don't constantly give excuses. They don't deflect when they are called out on their stuff. They don't play the "poor me" role when they do something wrong. They don't romanticize their poor decisions. They own their stuff so that they can take responsibility and learn how to do and be better.
Bitter folks? They don't do this at all. EVERYTHING is because of someone else. Shoot, I'm triggered even writing on this point because I've had to put some real distance between myself and some family members because this is how they get down. No matter how abusive they are, somehow, it's because of what someone else said or did. And here's the thing — when someone refuses to take personal accountability, it's very difficult for them to change their behavior. This means that they will continue to be a victimizer as you continue to be a victim.
It's a very self-aware and emotionally healthy trait to be able to hold yourself accountable. It's also on the endangered species list, if you ask me. Anyway, if you know someone who avoids accountability like the plague, while it's not discussed enough, that is also a telling sign of pure unadulterated bitterness.
5. Bitter People Are Easily Triggered
All of us have triggers (check out "How To Handle Folks Who 'Trigger' You"). That said, as someone who's been more relentless than ever about maintaining my own peace of mind, a sign of true freedom is learning where your triggers come from and applying ways to deactivate them so that they don't rule over your entire life or cause you to constantly be on an emotional roller coaster.
Not wanting to be triggered all of the time requires some serious emotional maturity because a lot of people want to be able to think that it's OK to act on their triggers, simply because a button of theirs was pushed. To them, it helps to justify whatever potentially ridiculous actions they take. They can simply say, "I mean, I wouldn't have done or say that if so-and-so didn't trigger me." Yeah, that doesn't fly because when you become an adult, you realize that there are very few things that anyone can "make" you do. Your words and actions are your own choice.
You know, something that I say often is, "Healed and wounded people see things very differently." Healed folks don't like the upheaval that comes with being triggered often. Wounded and bitter folks don't mind it because it just feeds more into their already-negative state of mind. Taking all of this in, which side of the coin seems more appealing to you? If it's the latter…why is that?
6. Bitter People Are Unteachable
Semi-recently, someone asked me what my favorite Musiq Soulchild songs were. One of the ones that I shared was "teachme". One of the things that I like about it is the lyrics reveal that he was vulnerable enough to express what he didn't know about love and why. And because of those things, he needed some help. That is the opposite of being bitter because bitter folks have so many walls up that they won't allow anyone teach them anything. They're not open to opinions about why they think the way that they do. They won't let down their guard enough to be offered some helpful insights and tips on how to approach things differently. Pretty much, unless you're going to listen to them moan and groan for hours on end, they don't really want to talk to you.
I've actually got a friend who's going through this right now. Every time their friend calls them, all they want to do is gripe about their marriage and, no matter how many suggestions that my friend offers them, they either find a way to shoot the idea down or it totally goes over their head. You know, none of us can get to the next level in life if we're not willing to learn new things. If you're someone who can't be taught anything, chances are, it's either your pride or bitterness rearing its ugly head. Neither are attractive. Or beneficial. Not one bit.
7. Bitter People Gossip Nonstop
Listen, anyone who says they don't gossip, they are a liar. How do I know? Because even if somehow you manage to not engage in "idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others" when it comes to people you know (this would include your family members, by the way), you probably do partake as it relates to celebrity news, politicians or the like. Why we're so attracted to gossip, I'm not completely sure. I think a lot of us are nosy. I think a lot of us find a pompous sense of pleasure in acting like we would do better than others if we were in their position. I think sometimes we'd prefer to avoid our world and get all caught up in the lives of others. Whatever the reason may be, while gossip is a pretty human and common trait, it's still something that we should ever-strive to do less.
Bitter folks don't think so. Because they see things from such a warped, negative and basically toxic point of view, more times than not, gossip provides them with the fuel they are looking for to remain in that space. That's because it's easier to talk about what other people are doing than to put forth the concerted effort to focus on what they need to do. Basically, another trait of bitter folks is they are lazy. And since gossip is about idle chatter, it is the language of the lazy, wouldn't you say? Ouch.
8. Bitter People Can’t Be Happy for Others
Remember that relative I referenced earlier? Something that it took me years to recognize is they are also pretty narcissistic. The reason why I say that is 1) they constantly find a way to make everything be about them and 2) when something great happens in their life, they want to be over-the-top celebrated yet when something good happens for someone else, they find a way to shade the individual. Case in point, I remember when a friend of mine got a great position and I told my relative about it. The first thing that they did was talk about how they had a similar gig; then they went on to express how they didn't understand why my friend was even qualified. A hater. The worst kind of one.
I'm gonna end this here because it's a great place to stop. After reading all that I just shared about bitter people, how in the world could they possibly be genuinely happy for anyone else? They are too angry and/or irritable and/or self-absorbed and/or moody and/or petty to let that happen. So, if you're someone who doesn't know how to be truly happy for other people and their achievements or you know someone who is this way, there's no way around the fact that it's a sign of bitterness. It's also a huge wake-up call because as a wise person once said, "Bitter and unhappy people will never trust or see the good in anyone because they don't trust or see the good in themselves." That's the bad news. The good news is, now that you know better, you can do better. You can choose to no longer be a bitter person — and that's never not an amazing decision.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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