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My Struggle Co-Parenting As An Alpha Female
When I found out I was pregnant, I was 28 years old, had a great career, was financially stable and did not need a man to provide anything for my daughter other than love and attention. I am unapologetically an alpha female.
I was raised to be strong, independent, and not need anything from anyone. The thought of becoming a mother made me double down on my alpha instincts.
I transformed into a mother bear, willing and able to do anything and everything for my little cub.
The transition to motherhood for me was logistically a breeze. I already had a nest egg of cash saved, and I bargain shopped every designer and baby product on the market. Between my impulsive buying and awesome framily, my baby did not need anything for the first two years of her life.
At some point, after I decorated the perfect Pinterest-inspired nursery, washed-ironed-hung all of her little clothes on miniature pink velvet hangers (with handmade closet dividers), organized the almost two years' worth of diapers by size, put her car seat in my car, and pack one of her four diaper bags, my boyfriend asked, "Am I going to be able to buy anything for our daughter?" I know reading the intro, you probably thought I was single. Nope, my daughter's father and I are in a relationship and I use the term "co-parenting" to describe the duality of the roles of mother and father.
Immediately after the "our daughter" conversation, his words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had all but intentionally limited his parenting to emotional support. I had noticed anything odd because I was perfectly happy. He was giving me everything that I wanted from him, support and love. He never missed a doctor's appointment my entire pregnancy (in a fit of hormonal rage I even made him leave a business trip early so he would not miss a routine check-up around month five). He would get out of the bed at midnight to take me to get hot donuts or drive me around town to find the best peaches. Truth be told I had no desire for him to do anything else. Honestly, I think I know everything about parenting MY daughter. Oops, I meant "our" daughter.
I am strong. I am independent. I never ask anyone for anything. I am prideful to a fault. I despise asking for help. I am strong-willed and able-minded. I am an alpha female.
Now, I am a mother.
An alpha mother that does not have a problem admitting that all the wonderful attributes that make me an alpha female also make me a terrible co-parent.
Admittedly, it is still challenging for me to relinquish any right to the rearing of our daughter. In my defense, I did turn out okay, and I would be delighted if she turned out just like me. I have several examples of my lackluster co-parenting abilities but most recently, I refused to relinquish any control of education decisions. Since pregnancy, I have obsessed about our daughter's early childhood education choices. I have visited most public schools and researched public and charter options in our city. I decided on my top choice, which is a costly private school for girls.
I completed the application process, our daughter was accepted, and I paid the seat deposit for her to attend. I did all of this before I consulted with my daughter's father/significant other. This situation is just one of the many examples of times that I have all but excluded him from making major decisions with our daughter. (I mean... I know more about education than he does so this has to be okay, right?)
I am far from perfect, and I know that I have to co-parent my daughter intentionally. In being mindful about my decision to co-parent, I try to ask myself a few questions before making decisions:
- Is this a major or minor decision?
- Is this decision something that I would want to make if I was a dad?
- How does this decision impact our daughter?
Co-parenting, if you are in a relationship or not, is difficult. I always have to remind myself that I get to share this amazing little girl and that she is truly ours, not mine. Oftentimes, having to suffocate the alpha female in me to create and sustain a healthy co-parenting relationship. And trust and believe, it's worth it.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Getty Images
Originally published July 18, 2019
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images