My Struggle Co-Parenting As An Alpha Female
When I found out I was pregnant, I was 28 years old, had a great career, was financially stable and did not need a man to provide anything for my daughter other than love and attention. I am unapologetically an alpha female.
I was raised to be strong, independent, and not need anything from anyone. The thought of becoming a mother made me double down on my alpha instincts.
I transformed into a mother bear, willing and able to do anything and everything for my little cub.
The transition to motherhood for me was logistically a breeze. I already had a nest egg of cash saved, and I bargain shopped every designer and baby product on the market. Between my impulsive buying and awesome framily, my baby did not need anything for the first two years of her life.
At some point, after I decorated the perfect Pinterest-inspired nursery, washed-ironed-hung all of her little clothes on miniature pink velvet hangers (with handmade closet dividers), organized the almost two years' worth of diapers by size, put her car seat in my car, and pack one of her four diaper bags, my boyfriend asked, "Am I going to be able to buy anything for our daughter?" I know reading the intro, you probably thought I was single. Nope, my daughter's father and I are in a relationship and I use the term "co-parenting" to describe the duality of the roles of mother and father.
Immediately after the "our daughter" conversation, his words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I had all but intentionally limited his parenting to emotional support. I had noticed anything odd because I was perfectly happy. He was giving me everything that I wanted from him, support and love. He never missed a doctor's appointment my entire pregnancy (in a fit of hormonal rage I even made him leave a business trip early so he would not miss a routine check-up around month five). He would get out of the bed at midnight to take me to get hot donuts or drive me around town to find the best peaches. Truth be told I had no desire for him to do anything else. Honestly, I think I know everything about parenting MY daughter. Oops, I meant "our" daughter.
I am strong. I am independent. I never ask anyone for anything. I am prideful to a fault. I despise asking for help. I am strong-willed and able-minded. I am an alpha female.
Now, I am a mother.
An alpha mother that does not have a problem admitting that all the wonderful attributes that make me an alpha female also make me a terrible co-parent.
Admittedly, it is still challenging for me to relinquish any right to the rearing of our daughter. In my defense, I did turn out okay, and I would be delighted if she turned out just like me. I have several examples of my lackluster co-parenting abilities but most recently, I refused to relinquish any control of education decisions. Since pregnancy, I have obsessed about our daughter's early childhood education choices. I have visited most public schools and researched public and charter options in our city. I decided on my top choice, which is a costly private school for girls.
I completed the application process, our daughter was accepted, and I paid the seat deposit for her to attend. I did all of this before I consulted with my daughter's father/significant other. This situation is just one of the many examples of times that I have all but excluded him from making major decisions with our daughter. (I mean... I know more about education than he does so this has to be okay, right?)
I am far from perfect, and I know that I have to co-parent my daughter intentionally. In being mindful about my decision to co-parent, I try to ask myself a few questions before making decisions:
- Is this a major or minor decision?
- Is this decision something that I would want to make if I was a dad?
- How does this decision impact our daughter?
Co-parenting, if you are in a relationship or not, is difficult. I always have to remind myself that I get to share this amazing little girl and that she is truly ours, not mine. Oftentimes, having to suffocate the alpha female in me to create and sustain a healthy co-parenting relationship. And trust and believe, it's worth it.
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Featured image by Getty Images
Originally published July 18, 2019
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images