While I think she would prefer to not have her name mentioned in this piece, it's actually a 36-year-old woman who inspired me to write this. After telling me that she doesn't trust men because none of them know how to be with just one woman—whew, these gross generalizations do NOTHING for the Black community—I decided to do a little digging around to see if that was indeed the case. Not because I believed her (I absolutely disagree); it's because I wanted some Black men to be able to speak up for themselves on the topic.
The combination of being a relationships writer and marriage coach means that it's pretty easy for me to outsource men on various issues. Usually, the only thing that they ask is for some sort of anonymity. Not because they are "scared" to reveal themselves but because they like to keep the drama levels down and would prefer to speak their mind without folks looking them up on social media (or whatever) afterwards. Granted. So, here are 10 men, who are going by their middle name, who are currently only having sex with one woman. Most of them have been doing so for a while now. The reasons vary. Some might surprise you a bit. Yet hopefully, they all will give you a little more insight into how a man thinks about exclusive sexual dynamics and why it's not as taboo as some would prefer to think (or is it assume?).
Damon. 34. Single.
"I know you probably want me to say something all romantic 'n s—t but that's not where I'm coming from on this. Back when I was out here, I was out here. I had a lot of fun. But anyone who thinks that sleeping with lots of different people is safe is crazy. I can name at least five of my boys who have herpes and they didn't get it in college. It happened when they were in their 30s. The variety that comes from being with different women can be cool. The older you get, it's even better to find someone who satisfies you sexually and just be with them. You know what you're dealing with and there are no surprises. That's what I'm with these days."
Aric. 29. Single.
"You just said 'serial monogamy'. That's hilarious. I guess, sexually, that's the kind of guy that I am because I'm not in a serious relationship. Don't want to be. I do have sex with only one woman at a time. When we're done, I move on to someone else. I don't double back either. I like it because it keeps all of the drama and confusion down. We both take STD tests. We both know what kind of birth control works for our relationship. Most of the ladies, I even keep up with their cycle with them, so I'm not getting any 'baby daddy' calls. I'm almost 30.
"To me, great sex means no drama. One woman at a time makes that possible."
Devaughn. 25. Engaged.
"You're using my middle name, right? Good, because my mama would kill me. She still wants to see me as a good ole' church boy. Anyway, when I met my fiancée, I knew that she had the potential to become my wife. She made me wait to have sex for about 7-8 months and I'm gonna be real with you—it wasn't until after we had sex that it sealed the deal as far as knowing for sure that she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Women need to get that sex is a legitimate need in a relationship when it comes to men and we don't 'age out' of that. Good sex, consistent sex, is a big deal. When that sex is happenin', though? You can keep us focused on you more than you might think. It can keep us faithful more than we ever get credit for."
Parnell. 26. Married.
"Contrary to what a lot of women think about men, we're not afraid of marriage or only being with one woman. What does terrify us is signing up to marry someone who presented themselves to be one way before marriage and then they totally flip the script after. It happens all the time. How is it that when we're dating you, there's a ton of sex and after the wedding, about a year in, you act like sex is some sort of chore? Uh-uh. My wife? She's nothing like that. The sex is amazin', every time. We have it about 3-4 times a week and we've been together for seven years, married for four of them. She brings it so hard that I can't tell you the last time I thought about another woman. I see beautiful ones all of the time. But the sex that I have with my wife? Trust me, I'm good."
King. 40. Divorced.
"My situation isn't common. I know that. I am only with one woman and she happens to be my ex-wife. So, why aren't we still married? We only gel well when it comes to the bedroom. Since we've been divorced, we've actually become good friends and since the sex is totally off the charts—why give that up? I'm not sure what either one of us will do if we happen to meet someone new. But we've been divorced for three years now and that hasn't been an issue. I actually like the sex better now than when we were married. Don't try this at home, folks. But hey, it works for me."
Lionel. 39. Single.
"When I was in my 20s, I didn't think this way. Now that I'm almost 40, I do. I like to know a woman. I mean, really know her. I want to learn her body. I want to find different ways to make her cum. I want to help her tap into some sexual portals that she may have never known about before. That takes time and it's easier to do when you're focused on just one woman. When you're young and immature, you're all about variety and, because a lot of the sex is more about you than 'her', you don't care about how many partners you rack up. As you get wiser, you want more of a sexual experience. S—t, you already know how to nut. You want sex to be bigger and better than that.
"The woman I've been having sex with, solely, we've been doing this for a couple of years and it just keeps getting better and better. I'm not sure if I want to do the marriage thing, but finding another partner? Nah. I'm completely satisfied."
Christian. 42. Married.
"I'm really glad that I waited until I was 39 to get married. I did my thing. I dated a lot. I experienced my fair share of women. So, when I met my wife, I knew that I was choosing her from a clear headspace. If there's a guy reading this, don't let anyone tell you that married sex isn't some really good sex. Marriage doesn't end the sexy. It's all about marrying the right person. My wife is freaky. FREAKY. It's not just about that, though. I trust her. I like her. She really wants to please me and I really want to please her. I used to wonder if marriage would make sex boring but it really hasn't because we have sex on a totally different level than I had as a single man. I see fine women all of the time, but my wife is so good to me. Chicks out here are just background noise. I'm good where I'm at."
Ronnie. 47. Divorced.
"I'm too old for the bulls—t. I don't know what else to tell you. The more women you sleep with, the more headaches you've got. I know we're not supposed to talk about R. Kelly anymore, but a homie-lover-friend is just what I've got and I wish I had signed up for this a long time ago. My marriage was a headache. My divorce was a migraine. I'm not sure I'll ever jump another broom. I do like having one person to chill with and have sex with, though. We've been like this for, hell, almost seven years now.
"We both just want the space to be and to have sex with someone we trust. The s—t is dope. One of the best decisions I've ever made."
Tony. 24. Single.
"I've never been the kind of guy who just wanted to be 'out here'. So, I'm not. I started having sex my sophomore year in college and accumulated a few partners by the time I graduated. Since I've been out, I've been with one woman. She's not my girlfriend. We're actually best friends. I think because neither one of us are ready to get married any time soon, our arrangement works for us. I trust her. The sex is really good. I dunno. I met a lot of women in college who were crazy. I like being with one woman because of the sanity and stability of it all. That beats out having randoms every other night."
Warren. 31. Engaged.
"I'm a virgin. Believe it or not, I'm not the only male virgin that I know. I was raised to wait until marriage. I'm glad that I did. I know I'm not married yet, but I can already tell you that I'm glad I waited for my future wife because there's no baggage, no comparing, no other images of other women in my mind, no thinking that someone else does something better. It's just…us. I can't totally predict what the future will hold. I can say that I'm excited about seeing breasts and hips and what's in between for the first time with a woman who is committed to me and I am committed to her. It makes me see sex differently than a lot of people I know. I don't think monogamy will be a problem because we waited. If we can wait, we can stay faithful. We both believe that. Can't wait!"
There you have it. 10 men who are only have sex with one woman. Not all for the same reasons yet still all in the same boat when it comes to two commonalities—they're doing it on purpose and with absolutely no regrets. I told you that these kinds of men aren't unicorns. It's all about asking men where they stand. NOT ASSUMING.
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