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10 Men Told Me Why They're Fine Having Sex With One Partner

Not every man is out here racking up notches...

Sex

While I think she would prefer to not have her name mentioned in this piece, it's actually a 36-year-old woman who inspired me to write this. After telling me that she doesn't trust men because none of them know how to be with just one woman—whew, these gross generalizations do NOTHING for the Black community—I decided to do a little digging around to see if that was indeed the case. Not because I believed her (I absolutely disagree); it's because I wanted some Black men to be able to speak up for themselves on the topic.


The combination of being a relationships writer and marriage coach means that it's pretty easy for me to outsource men on various issues. Usually, the only thing that they ask is for some sort of anonymity. Not because they are "scared" to reveal themselves but because they like to keep the drama levels down and would prefer to speak their mind without folks looking them up on social media (or whatever) afterwards. Granted. So, here are 10 men, who are going by their middle name, who are currently only having sex with one woman. Most of them have been doing so for a while now. The reasons vary. Some might surprise you a bit. Yet hopefully, they all will give you a little more insight into how a man thinks about exclusive sexual dynamics and why it's not as taboo as some would prefer to think (or is it assume?).

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Damon. 34. Single.

"I know you probably want me to say something all romantic 'n s—t but that's not where I'm coming from on this. Back when I was out here, I was out here. I had a lot of fun. But anyone who thinks that sleeping with lots of different people is safe is crazy. I can name at least five of my boys who have herpes and they didn't get it in college. It happened when they were in their 30s. The variety that comes from being with different women can be cool. The older you get, it's even better to find someone who satisfies you sexually and just be with them. You know what you're dealing with and there are no surprises. That's what I'm with these days."

Aric. 29. Single.

"You just said 'serial monogamy'. That's hilarious. I guess, sexually, that's the kind of guy that I am because I'm not in a serious relationship. Don't want to be. I do have sex with only one woman at a time. When we're done, I move on to someone else. I don't double back either. I like it because it keeps all of the drama and confusion down. We both take STD tests. We both know what kind of birth control works for our relationship. Most of the ladies, I even keep up with their cycle with them, so I'm not getting any 'baby daddy' calls. I'm almost 30.

"To me, great sex means no drama. One woman at a time makes that possible."

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Devaughn. 25. Engaged.

"You're using my middle name, right? Good, because my mama would kill me. She still wants to see me as a good ole' church boy. Anyway, when I met my fiancée, I knew that she had the potential to become my wife. She made me wait to have sex for about 7-8 months and I'm gonna be real with you—it wasn't until after we had sex that it sealed the deal as far as knowing for sure that she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Women need to get that sex is a legitimate need in a relationship when it comes to men and we don't 'age out' of that. Good sex, consistent sex, is a big deal. When that sex is happenin', though? You can keep us focused on you more than you might think. It can keep us faithful more than we ever get credit for."

Parnell. 26. Married.

"Contrary to what a lot of women think about men, we're not afraid of marriage or only being with one woman. What does terrify us is signing up to marry someone who presented themselves to be one way before marriage and then they totally flip the script after. It happens all the time. How is it that when we're dating you, there's a ton of sex and after the wedding, about a year in, you act like sex is some sort of chore? Uh-uh. My wife? She's nothing like that. The sex is amazin', every time. We have it about 3-4 times a week and we've been together for seven years, married for four of them. She brings it so hard that I can't tell you the last time I thought about another woman. I see beautiful ones all of the time. But the sex that I have with my wife? Trust me, I'm good."

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King. 40. Divorced.

"My situation isn't common. I know that. I am only with one woman and she happens to be my ex-wife. So, why aren't we still married? We only gel well when it comes to the bedroom. Since we've been divorced, we've actually become good friends and since the sex is totally off the charts—why give that up? I'm not sure what either one of us will do if we happen to meet someone new. But we've been divorced for three years now and that hasn't been an issue. I actually like the sex better now than when we were married. Don't try this at home, folks. But hey, it works for me."

Lionel. 39. Single.

"When I was in my 20s, I didn't think this way. Now that I'm almost 40, I do. I like to know a woman. I mean, really know her. I want to learn her body. I want to find different ways to make her cum. I want to help her tap into some sexual portals that she may have never known about before. That takes time and it's easier to do when you're focused on just one woman. When you're young and immature, you're all about variety and, because a lot of the sex is more about you than 'her', you don't care about how many partners you rack up. As you get wiser, you want more of a sexual experience. S—t, you already know how to nut. You want sex to be bigger and better than that.

"The woman I've been having sex with, solely, we've been doing this for a couple of years and it just keeps getting better and better. I'm not sure if I want to do the marriage thing, but finding another partner? Nah. I'm completely satisfied."

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Christian. 42. Married.

"I'm really glad that I waited until I was 39 to get married. I did my thing. I dated a lot. I experienced my fair share of women. So, when I met my wife, I knew that I was choosing her from a clear headspace. If there's a guy reading this, don't let anyone tell you that married sex isn't some really good sex. Marriage doesn't end the sexy. It's all about marrying the right person. My wife is freaky. FREAKY. It's not just about that, though. I trust her. I like her. She really wants to please me and I really want to please her. I used to wonder if marriage would make sex boring but it really hasn't because we have sex on a totally different level than I had as a single man. I see fine women all of the time, but my wife is so good to me. Chicks out here are just background noise. I'm good where I'm at."

Ronnie. 47. Divorced.

"I'm too old for the bulls—t. I don't know what else to tell you. The more women you sleep with, the more headaches you've got. I know we're not supposed to talk about R. Kelly anymore, but a homie-lover-friend is just what I've got and I wish I had signed up for this a long time ago. My marriage was a headache. My divorce was a migraine. I'm not sure I'll ever jump another broom. I do like having one person to chill with and have sex with, though. We've been like this for, hell, almost seven years now.

"We both just want the space to be and to have sex with someone we trust. The s—t is dope. One of the best decisions I've ever made."

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Tony. 24. Single.

"I've never been the kind of guy who just wanted to be 'out here'. So, I'm not. I started having sex my sophomore year in college and accumulated a few partners by the time I graduated. Since I've been out, I've been with one woman. She's not my girlfriend. We're actually best friends. I think because neither one of us are ready to get married any time soon, our arrangement works for us. I trust her. The sex is really good. I dunno. I met a lot of women in college who were crazy. I like being with one woman because of the sanity and stability of it all. That beats out having randoms every other night."

Warren. 31. Engaged.

"I'm a virgin. Believe it or not, I'm not the only male virgin that I know. I was raised to wait until marriage. I'm glad that I did. I know I'm not married yet, but I can already tell you that I'm glad I waited for my future wife because there's no baggage, no comparing, no other images of other women in my mind, no thinking that someone else does something better. It's just…us. I can't totally predict what the future will hold. I can say that I'm excited about seeing breasts and hips and what's in between for the first time with a woman who is committed to me and I am committed to her. It makes me see sex differently than a lot of people I know. I don't think monogamy will be a problem because we waited. If we can wait, we can stay faithful. We both believe that. Can't wait!"

There you have it. 10 men who are only have sex with one woman. Not all for the same reasons yet still all in the same boat when it comes to two commonalities—they're doing it on purpose and with absolutely no regrets. I told you that these kinds of men aren't unicorns. It's all about asking men where they stand. NOT ASSUMING.

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

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