When You're In Love... And He's Not
The first time I told him I love him was three weeks after our first date, legs up, orgasm raking its way throughout my body, and I said it, repeated it like a mantra or a prayer.
I was embarrassed, but the guy I was dating never said anything. He made me feel like it was OK to express the pleasure from my orgasm in that way. He was the first person who I've ever been able to achieve a climax with and I think largely it's how in sync our energies seem to be, how much I allow myself to take down my guard, and the fact that it wasn't a goal for him – if it happened, it happened. I don't know if I loved him then or if I loved the feeling he gave me, but I do know that I love him now.
I think the more time has passed, the more I expected to hear him say, “I love you". I rested my value on those three words, our potential for a future, my willingness to wait on those three words. We had a conversation four months into things where I told him that I felt we were too different. I put my faith wholeheartedly into my emotions and allow them to lead me, meanwhile, he feels his emotions but will not allow them to take precedence over his mind or his logic. That alone makes us feel worlds apart at times. He feels as though his presence is enough to show me that he's here, that he wants us, that he's serious about me and committing while I value words just as much as I value action. He considers such things to be redundant because he feels like he knows, I should know. I used to say “I love you" and hear “I know" and it felt like a kick in my gut. My heart would sink because I felt like, if he didn't know how to say it by now, then it would never be love.
I used to look at us and feel like Damn, am I one of those dumb chicks that I speak against waiting for a man to change himself for me? But then I put our relationship into perspective, I remember how his honesty is one of the things that I love and respect most about him. He'd tell me the truth always before I'd ever hear a lie. I remember my father talking to me and posing a question of,
“Would you rather someone tell you they love you and mean it or say I love you just to get something they want from you?"
Perspective.
I've never waited on this man. All of the changes that I've seen him make to be a better man to me and for me have been alterations he's made on his own to be worthy of a place in my world. I didn't have to beg him to build or call me his woman or make time and create space in his life for me. He was a man. He led himself, even if I was the light that sparked his desire to be better.
I found strength somewhere in that perspective.
"I started to realize that love is something that should be without expectations."
I say “I love you" because I do, not because I expect something in return, a reward of some sort for revealing my truth. I reminded myself that I have nothing to do with how someone else feels. When I adjusted my worldview to come from a place of abundance versus a place of lacking, I could see the expectation wash away, I could feel the hurt and resentment and inadequacy leave me. When you're both in the same book but in different chapters, it is possible for things to work, especially when patience is there and the focus is not placed on negative emotions.
These days, my “I love yous" are met with “I love you too" and my favorite way to hear it said back to me is when he is in the middle of laughter or he's close to reaching his peak and can't help but tell me just how much because I feel that damn good to him. I don't think it's quite as high or euphoric as my kind of in love, but his love for me is deep. Isn't it interesting how in romantic love, we crave to feel the fleeting type of love versus that immovable, constant one that our friendships and family relationships are bound with?
Some days are easier than others, but I'm definitely no longer obsessing over it as I did in the past when I used to Google “how to make him fall in love" and try to take heed like a recipe.
"Love isn't that formulaic. Love just is."
And in the same way it found me open and I took a leap, he has too as well. It's nothing I can do. I asked him recently, “How can we be an item when I'm in love and you're not?" “I'll get there baby, just be patient with me." Patience, there's that word again so I'll be that for him. His honesty, his loyalty, his persistence, his dedication, and his own patience make me feel his love for me every day. He'll get there.
The key is not to wait while you're patient, but to continue to live. Everything will come in its own time as it always does.
If you have any personal stories that you'd like to share with the readers of xoNecole, please submit your essays to submissions@xonecole.com for a chance to have your voice heard and your story featured!
Featured image by Shutterstock
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Between the rise of the creator economy and the gig economy, the window of opportunity to leverage your creativity for long-term gain has never been more potent.
For the last four years, I’ve worked as a full-time freelance writer and content creator. A year into this journey, I knew that if I wanted to create a sense of structure around my life outside of a traditional 9-5, I would have to create it.
To my surprise, that came in the form of social media.
Now, you might be wondering how someone might be able to juggle their work in a creatively-dominant career like writing while still having the mental capacity to produce ideas for their own personal brand, and well, that answer didn’t come easily.
In 2021, I hit a wall with writing and content creation.
With the stress and uncertainty that came as a result of the pandemic, to being burned out from having to live off my creativity, I reached a breaking point. For me, writing was always a space to explore my thoughts, process heavy topics, and express concepts that only words could bring reason to. However, when I didn’t have the brainpower to write or create content, I knew it was time to set parameters around my hobby of content creation and my passion for storytelling.
In this case, the biggest challenge was finding the balance between the two by releasing the guilt and shame of taking a break from both in order to reconnect with them.
Through years of trial and error, the fog finally cleared, and I was able to hit my stride in 2023. From garnering over 10K followers on TikTok, building an Instagram community around lifestyle and creative encouragement, along with my wellness collective, Black Girl Playground, and writing for xoNecole as a lifestyle contributor, the creative juices have been flowing steadily.
And it all happened by creating a strategy that allowed space for planning, resting, and creating. Today, I’ll be sharing my top tips to help you find your balance between your side hustle and passions.
On staying inspired and motivated when working on various content creation and freelancing projects:
Early this year, I came to the bright conclusion that I needed to shorten the gap between ideation and execution — and it completely changed how I create.
Oftentimes, when we have an idea come to us, we let it sit for too long, and then before we know it, we’ve either lost the enthusiasm to put it into action, or someone else grabs it. If you want to stay in a flow of creativity, whether side projects or full-time work, it’s important to not get slowed down by self-doubt, procrastination, or perfectionism.
Give yourself permission to act on your ideas as they come to you. Even if they’re a little muddy or not “perfect,” you can always fine-tune them later.
@yagirlaley shrinking the gap between [ideation] + [execution] 🧠💡#fyp #creativeadvice
On the importance of choosing a niche:
If there’s one thing that has helped me balance my work as a writer and content creator, it’s putting each in its own niche (or category). By definition, a niche is a specialized segment of the market or a specific area of expertise.
When you are creating in the same niche that you’re also making a living in, that’s an easy way to get your wires crossed. And at times, this could lead to feeling as if you don’t have any ideas for yourself because you’ve given them to the other area you're juggling.
When balancing two, you want to have enough fresh ideas to give to your personal projects and your full-time work to avoid any overlap. This ensures that your personal creative vision isn’t compromised when working on client projects while still having some for yourself.
On the strategies that have helped to maintain a consistent workflow in both areas:
I can’t stress enough how important it is to create a workflow and structure for yourself as a freelancer — this applies to those with a 9-5 in the day and a 5-9 at night, too.
As someone who admittedly has ADHD tendencies, object permanence can sometimes create a block in time and project management. That’s why I encourage creatives and professionals to create systems that allow you to see the work that’s ahead of you.
Personally, I can’t live without having multiple calendars going at once. My Google calendar keeps track of interviews for articles and events, while my physical calendar helps me keep track of important dates. I also work out of an Excel sheet where I can log in ongoing stories and track their status from drafting to submission. I’ve also heard great things about the Notion app for planning and tracking.
When it comes to creating content, spending time doing bulk content days has been an asset to my creative workflow. When I complete the videos, I save them to my drafts and upload them as needed.
Credit: Amberita
Courtesy of the writer
On the best advice for someone who is considering pursuing both content creation and freelancing simultaneously:
Don’t be ashamed of taking a break and resting — because both are essential to the life of a creative. Last month, I returned to Instagram after taking 6 months off from posting. During that time, I worked on growing my TikTok page, using the platform to practice vulnerability and allowing myself to put the fun back into creating content. Without the time, I can’t say I’d be able to approach Instagram with the same ease and playfulness; but thanks to that time away, it was possible.
Resting, letting our minds wander, or simply doing nothing are all just as productive as creating. No one can produce at all times, we have to allow ourselves the space for new concepts and ideas to flow to us. In addition to that, when we take breaks from social media, it allows us to stop the wheel of comparison and consume more than we create. So if you feel like you’re in a creative rut with all you want to balance, it may be time to take a step back, unapologetically.
Your creativity will thank you for it.
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Featured image by Sir Taylor