Wheeeeew-wheeeee. With news stories like this past June being the hottest one ever recorded on the planet and the Atlantic Ocean being on the verge of collapsing, folks can continue to debate if global warming is a real thing if they want to; however, those of us who know better…know better. And with it being several weeks into the summer season, with clear temp-related signs that are not going to let up as far as the heat (and heat index) is concerned, it’s a good idea to be as proactive as possible when it comes to staying cool — and your vagina is certainly no exception.
So, let’s dive into some of the things that you can easily and effectively do to keep your “special spot” from feeling like it’s going through the fires of hell from now until the fall season officially arrives. The cool thing (pun intended) about each of these 12 tips is they are affordable, health-beneficial, and something that your vagina will be oh-so grateful that you decided to do. Hands down.
1. (Greek) Yogurt Popsicles
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C’mon. Is there anything more refreshing than a popsicle when you’re standing outside in the blazing sun? And when it specifically comes to doing your vagina good, a Greek yogurt one is gonna hit the spot every time. That’s because Greek yogurt is loaded with probiotics which not only help to keep your gut in great shape, it also produces a lot of “healthy bacteria” in your vagina so that you are able to significantly reduce the chances of experiencing any gynecological-related illnesses. As a bonus, Greek yogurt is full of protein, helps to boost your immune system, and it can keep your blood pressure where it ought to be as well.
(By the way, if you were wondering what the difference is between Greek yogurt and “regular” yogurt, Greek is prepared in a way where it has more protein and less sugar than regular yogurt, while regular yogurt has way more calcium.)
2. Vagina Popsicles Too
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As a doula, I learn a lot of hacks that can help in the vagina department. For instance, if you’ve been abstinent for a while and this is the summer when things are heating up in the bedroom, there is a bit of a vagina popsicle (if you will) that you can make. All you need to do is fill up a condom with some water and then put it in the freezer for about an hour. If you place that on your vulva after sex, it can provide some relief if you’re feeling a bit sore down below. A hack for the hack is to add some alcohol to the water if you’d prefer a “slushie” instead of a popsicle. This works because alcohol doesn’t fully freeze. Dope, right?
3. Watermelon
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If watermelon is one of your favorite fruits, May-September is the time of year to cop a couple of ‘em. Health-wise, watermelons are made up of mostly water which makes them a sweet and low-calorie treat that will keep you good and hydrated. Watermelon is also a pretty solid source of fiber, protein, and vitamin C, it contains anti-cancer properties, and it’s able to reduce bodily inflammation and oxidative stress. Plus, watermelon has nutrients in it that will keep your skin glowing and your muscles from aching (if you like to do a lot of physical activities around this time of the year).
Why is it such an awesome thing for your vagina? Well, watermelon is also a fruit that has electrolytes (like potassium) in it; electrolytes are helpful because they help to balance out your system, including your vagina’s pH — the more balanced it is, the healthier it will be.
4. Chilled Pantyliners
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This past spring, I penned “10 Essential Oils That Are Great For Feminine Hygiene (And A Few Other Things)” for the platform. Whether your vagina — well, vulva, which is the outer part of your vagina — feels itchy from wearing a swimsuit for hours on end, “she’s tender” from a recent sex romp, or you’re simply hot and looking for some soothing relief, something else that can help is spraying some water (preferably distilled because it has no impurities in it) onto a pantyliner and then adding a few drops of one of the essential oils (based on your vaginal health needs) onto the center of it. Freeze it for about 15-20 minutes, and then apply it to your underwear. Your vagina will be forever thankful for the all-natural relief.
5. Night-Before Shavings
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If you plan on spending some time in the water (any water), avoid shaving your pubic region on the same day. By doing it the night before, that gives your skin some time to heal and your pores the ability to close. Why is this necessary? Well, you never know what’s in that ocean water, swimming pool, or jacuzzi with you, so the more preventative measures that we all can avoid, the better. Also, spend at least 10 minutes in the shower or tub before shaving; you’ll get a much closer and more comfortable shave that way. Oh, and if you’d prefer to DIY your shaving oil, One Good Thing has a homemade recipe that you should check out here.
6. Chilled Aloe Vera Gel and Tea Tree Oil
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Speaking of shaving, if, for whatever reason, you end up with a nick or some razor burn, something that will bring a lot of healing and comfort is a combination of aloe vera gel and tea tree oil. Just put a teaspoon of the gel (preferably 100 pure or cutting open a stem from an aloe vera plant) and 2-3 drops of tea tree oil into a small bowl and chill it in the refrigerator for 30 minutes. Then apply it directly to where you have irritated skin. The vitamins A, B12, C, E, and antioxidants of the aloe vera, along with the anti-inflammatory and antiseptic properties of the oil, will work together to soothe your bikini line in record time.
7. Coconut Water
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You’re gonna need plenty of water to replenish your system this summer, and a form of water that will give you so much more than just hydration is coconut water. Even though it’s made up of 94 percent water, coconut water also has calcium, magnesium, and potassium in it. Not only that, but coconut water also contains antioxidants, is able to stabilize your blood sugar levels, and it’s even able to prevent kidney stones from occurring. What makes it good for your vagina is it also contains probiotics. This means that if you’re yeast infection-prone, it can help that to be one less thing that you need to worry about.
8. Citrus Salads
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Something else that is low in calories while being uber nutritious is a fresh citrus salad. Citrus fruits are bomb because they are full of water, fiber, antioxidants, and vitamin C. All of this works together to maintain your cognitive function, keep your heart strong and also keep cancer cells at bay. Your vagina will adore citrus fruits like oranges, grapefruits, and limes because the vitamin C in them not only helps your system to naturally produce the probiotic Lactobacillus (which is good bacteria), but both can also help treat and prevent bacterial vaginosis (BV) from a holistic angle.
9. Vitamin E and a Comb
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Not too long ago, someone was talking to me about how they wanted to grow out their pubic hair; however, they didn’t like how “hard” the hair seemed to feel. Listen, just washing the hair down below isn’t good enough; it needs to be conditioned too.
Something that you can apply that will deep condition your hair and not irritate your vulva is vitamin E oil. It’s a great moisturizer, can help to heal any razor bumps or minor cuts you might have, can help to minimize the appearance of scars or discoloration, and it can even help to keep your vagina looking youthful (because, yes, the skin down there typically ages too).
To get the best results, “seal your pubic hair” right after getting out of the bath or shower with the oil. Then use a comb to comb through your hair. It will help to distribute the oil evenly and work out any tangles that you might have (if that hair is long enough) — which will help to make your pubic hair so much softer to the touch.
10. Linen Panties
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Your vagina needs to breathe. That’s why it’s important to sleep naked at night and to wear panties that are designed to absorb moisture while also not making your vagina and vulva feel “trapped” throughout the day. You’ve probably heard that organic cotton is a wonderful option as far as underwear goes — and it is. However, an unsung material is linen. It’s also a breathable fabric. Not only that, but it’s antibacterial, super hygienic, and it even helps to increase healthy blood flow (how cool is that?!). Plus, it’s good for the environment, which is always a good thing. Amazon and Etsy are two places that carry these types of drawers. Go to either site and put “linen panties” in their search field.
11. Ironed Undies
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A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “When Should You Replace Underwear, Make-Up, Bedding, Washcloths & Towels?”. Check it out when you get a chance because when I tell you that there are some things that a lot of us tend to use far longer than we ever should…LAWD. Definitely, one that tops the list is underwear because, between fecal matter and other forms of bacteria, it really is time to replace panties every six months. In the meantime, if you want to keep your undies “extra sterilized”, ain’t nothin’ wrong with ironing the inside of them, on low heat, right after washing them. Straight up.
12. Frozen Sheets (Kind Of)
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Listen, I don’t know about y’all, but in my opinion, there aren’t too many things that are more annoying than waking up in the middle of the night feeling hot as literal hell. Something that can help to prevent this is putting your bed sheets into some plastic bags and freezing them for a couple of hours before putting them on your bed and turning in for the evening. Not only will you feel so much cooler (without causing your cooling bill to skyrocket), but you’ll also help to keep your vagina from sweating, which can oftentimes turn into a breeding ground for bad bacteria to thrive and a yeast infection to transpire, if you’re not careful.
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See. I told you that you’d get some tips that your vagina would be mighty appreciative of? So, which one are you gonna try first? Feel free to hop into the comments if you’ve got a few other hacks too. With this summer being one for the record books, all of our vaginas could use as many cool-down tips as possible. Goodness.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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