You've probably heard someone say that the easiest way to heal from an addiction is to first acknowledge that you have one. That's so true. The problem is, when it comes to something like a "love addiction", it's usually really hard to get past it because it's so difficult to detect in the first place. How can you actually be addicted to love? Even if it's possible, how could that possibly be a bad thing?
Both of these are really good questions. What's important to keep in mind about love addiction is, the people who are caught up in one are usually more in love with the concept of love as it directly relates to whatever images of love and relationships that they've made up in their mind.
It's sort of like the kinds of people who are more obsessed with having a wedding than having a marriage — it's about the fantasies and feelings that come with being in a relationship more than doing the work that's required to sustain it. Like most addictions, no one really wants to face that they could actually be a love addict. BUT, if after reading this, you can relate to half or more of these points, it's time to face the truth that you very well might be one.
Accepting this fact is the first step towards no longer obsessing over fantasies so that you can experience the truth, the work, the self-awareness, and personal accountability that's required to make a real love relationship work — and last. Here are 6 subtle signs that you may just be a love addict:
6 Signs You're Addicted To Love
1.You "Fall in Love" VERY Quickly.
C'mon now. How is it that you just met someone two weeks ago and you're already in love? More than that, how is it that you've been able to do this four times in a row?
Albert Einstein said one of my favorite quotes on love — "Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." It's a reminder that no matter what these wack reality television shows portray or how many celebrities rotate relationships on a weekly basis, love is more of a choice than it is a feeling. And to be able to make a wise choice, you need to take out the time to get to really know someone.
And no, you don't really and truly know someone in a month. You can be attracted but not truly in love. Is there anyone that thinks what I just said is ridiculous? Well, you're already showing signs of being a love addict.
2."Needy" Is a Word Men Often Use to Describe You.
Being needy is not the same thing as having needs. There's no point in being in a relationship with someone if they're not willing to give you love, respect, support, communication, and affection.
But neediness? Needy people are insecure and clingy. They are borderline possessive and don't honor boundaries. They think that being in a relationship means their significant other isn't supposed to have a life outside of it. They are exhausting and draining.
It can be a hard pill to swallow, but if the past three guys you've been out with used "needy" as a reason to call things off with you, before giving push back, ask yourself if they possibly had a point. Because the one thing those guys all have in common is…you.
3.You Lower Your Standards in Order to Be in a Relationship.
Another sign of a love addict is someone who wants to be "in love" so badly that they would rather lower their standards than be alone.
Be careful with this one. Like I tell people in some of my relationships coaching sessions, "You only end up bending over backwards when your bar is too low." Besides, your standards and values are a part of who you are as a person. By ignoring them in order to make a relationship "work", you're misrepresenting yourself and the kind of relationship you truly want.
In other words, you're entering into a facade. A relationship that's not genuine. If you're OK with that, that's a red flag — on so many levels, it ain't even funny.
4.You Do Most of the Work in Your Relationships.
I'll raise my hand in this class and admit that, for years, this was my biggest problem. I felt like since I loved you, I should go above and beyond to show it — even if that meant doing your part. In fact, I believed that the more love I gave, the more loving the relationship was. Nope. Here's another problem with love addiction:
What you think you're doing out of "love" is oftentimes more like what you are doing out of fear.
Are you constantly going above and beyond for a man because you're scared to lose him if you don't? At the very least, you are co-dependent. At the most, you are leaning into love addiction.
5.You Live for the Fairy Tale.
Some of my friends get irritated with me whenever I say this but…whatever. If when it comes to relationships, you say that you're "living for the fairy tale", I want you to take a moment to look at what you're signing up for:
Fairy tale: a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures; an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.
By definition, fairy tales are children's stories. Fairy tales are usually so incredible that they mislead you. Words have power. Is that really what you want?
A love addict compares their love standard to Prince Charming and Cinderella. Someone who has a healthy sense of love wants their own love story — one that is with someone who is committed to the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. One that isn't about "…and they lived happily ever after" but is more about "…and they stay committed through it all."
6.You Don't Feel "Whole" Unless You're with Someone.
Whole means "full". Whole means "complete". Whole means "not broken, damaged, or impaired; intact". When you're in a relationship with someone, it means that there are two flawed human beings trying to make something work.
My point? You run a faaaaaaaaaar greater chance of not being whole — of being broken or damaged — when you're with someone than when you're not because people make mistakes, people sometimes hurt others…people ain't perfect. I'm not saying that you shouldn't want to be in a relationship. I'm saying that if you want to be in a healthy relationship with a flawed human being, you're better off making sure you feel full and complete before dating them — not after.
Women who believe the complete opposite? Yep. They show classic signs of having a love addiction. And nothing good, healthy, or lasting can ever come from that.
True love is a choice. Not an addiction. Always remember that.
Related Stories:
5 Reasons Why You KEEP Attracting Commitment-Phobes – Read More
Knowing Your Self-Worth Is The Ultimate F*ckboy Repellant – Read More
What I Learned From Oprah's Advice About Attracting Your Best Partner – Read More
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 14 Signs of a Love Addict | Relationship Addicts | Love Addiction ... ›
- 5 Signs That You Are A 'Love Addict' | HuffPost Australia ›
- 40 Questions: Are You a Love Addict? ›
- Understanding Codependency: 11 Signs That You Are A Love Addict ›
- Love Addiction 101 | Symptoms of Love Addiction ›
- Might As Well Face It: Telltale Signs Of Love Addiction ›
- Love addiction signs | How to know if you're a love addict ›
- How To Break the Pattern of Love Addiction | Psychology Today ›
- Signs & Symptoms of Love Addiction ›
- What are the Most Common Indicators of Love Addiction? ›
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023