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What ADHD Looks Like In Women And How It Challenges Our Relationships
I was diagnosed with ADHD in the 7th grade. Whenever I reveal that, there’s always that great debate of whether my doctor is simply trying to dope me up or not. While I do agree that this occurs, I also believe it was the correct diagnosis for me. With that said, I have struggled for years socially because of what may appear to come across as my being rude or unorganized.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more aware and often feel the need to throw out a disclaimer whether I’m on my meds or off my meds, because truly, you cannot win on the social side of things. When I take my meds, I’m hyper-focused and lose my personality for a touch of time. I tend to not laugh, catch jokes as quickly, or my own humor is nonexistent. When I’m off the meds, especially after taking them for some time, I drift in and out of conversations that last for longer than five to10 minutes. And overall, I often find myself apologizing for my ADHD in social settings.
This doesn’t even begin to touch on the disorganization: losing car keys for days on end, locking myself out of the house, and forgetting things. The irony of it is that people with ADHD are often advised to make lists which is something that requires you to have some semblance of organization skills. I make mention of all of this because I often feel the perception regarding me in both my professional and personal relationships is that I’m this hot-ass mess–that’s the extent of the explanation. In reality, there’s so much more to unpack here.
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What I didn’t know was that ADHD could present itself differently based on factors like gender. In a 2019 study, it was shown that men displayed external symptoms more often than women, leaving women with ADHD misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. I have only recently discovered this and in learning this, I further wonder how it might show up differently for Black women as a whole. As with anything, culture has the ability to change the way disorders manifest within a community.
Furthermore, I became curious about how ADHD affects Black women in relation to our dating lives and challenges in our relationships. To confirm some of my thoughts, I reached out to Angela Banks, a licensed professional clinical counselor (LPCC) and clinical supervisor known as The Strong Friend's Therapist.
How ADHD Presents in Women
“ADHD tends to manifest as inattentiveness in women. It can impact their ability to focus, concentrate, complete tasks and stay organized,” Banks says. “These symptoms can cause people to stereotype Black women and assume they are ‘lazy’ or ‘have an attitude.’ These types of stereotypes can play into a woman’s self-esteem and cause her to feel like she is lazy, or it can cause her to work overtime to prove the stereotype wrong and overperform.”
According to Banks, this further impacts Black women, generally speaking, because they “are often viewed as ‘strong’ which means that people have higher expectations for them, and they also have those same high expectations for themselves. These types of expectations cause Black women to feel overwhelmed by obligations and feel the need to do more with less resources. When a Black woman’s functioning is affected by ADHD, she may view herself as a bad mom, wife or friend if she’s unable to meet those unrealistic expectations or perform at the standard that society has created.”
In addition to ADHD manifesting in women as inattentiveness, another symptom is indecisiveness. Banks explains, “Black women are at the bottom of the totem pole and already must make decisions while encountering oppression at almost every turn. There’s also a stigma related to mental health in the Black community, so even the idea of treatment or intervention can be overwhelming for a Black woman." Banks concludes that plus limited access to culturally responsive mental health providers sometimes influences whether or not Black women seek treatment or evaluation for ADHD.
Black Women, ADHD, and Romantic Relationships
And just how does this all affect Black women’s romantic relationships?
Banks notes that when we are not meeting expectations based on the role we assign to ourselves, it can be easy to feel less than and therefore less deserving of love. “Black women may find themselves feeling insecure in their relationships because of these challenges with ADHD. Black women have been expected to equate their value to their role in others’ lives for many years, which creates that insecure feeling. If I don’t value myself outside of that role, and I’m not meeting the perceived expectations of that role, it can ultimately impact self-esteem."
She concludes, "If one believes they are not performing well in their role and not reaching certain expectations, they may start to feel like they are not deserving of receiving healthy love. We sometimes call that ‘imposter syndrome.’ This can ultimately cultivate mistrust and might make it difficult to build those healthy romantic relationships.”
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Getting Out of Your Own Way: ADHD Help for Adults
Banks remind us to seek support, therapy included, in order to help us develop various coping skills but especially the ability to be vulnerable and transparent in turn helping to improve our relationships all around. From my personal experience, I will add that the difficult part about being vulnerable enough to seek help from the various systems in our lives will be the side-eying that occurs from doctors who think because you’re Black you’re abusing your meds or because you use Medicaid they don’t prioritize you or generally don’t view you as an autonomous being. For instance, my doctor refuses to give me my meds during my pregnancy because he thinks I need to wean myself off. This is despite the fact that my OB (not the same as my prescribing physician) has warned me that expecting moms who are ADHD have an increased risk of postpartum depression.
While I pray this isn’t so, this will impact every aspect of my life from my financial well-being to my ability to build a bond with my son, not to mention those who didn’t come from my womb. I said a mouthful to point out that support can feel difficult to access – easier said than done for sure – but despite this, we must continue to reach out for it. “A good therapist can also teach strategies to cope with ADHD and will provide an opportunity to practice that vulnerability and transparency with a person. Also, becoming okay with experiencing unpleasant feelings and emotions is a good way to be more transparent with others. The best way to be more open with others is to practice and put yourself out there to be uncomfortable. Once support is given from others, it will become easier to open up and build a solid support network.”
As far as expanding access to support based on cultural beliefs and systemic racism, Banks holds society accountable as well. She states, “Society needs to be understanding of how years of trauma and oppression have affected Black women. We need to be humanized and treated with compassion and empathy. Try putting yourself in our shoes and see if that helps in understanding a Black woman’s experience.”
And by society, this extends itself to significant others and potential partners. Be aware of comments and thoughts that suggest ADHD is fake – read the room. I think healthy dialogue is fine, but accusations are not, especially if your person feels the diagnosis and medication help.
Essentially, the key to improving your romantic relationships while coping with ADHD will be the same key that allows you to improve every other relationship in your life. And much like anything in this life, the last, and the next – it requires two! You can do all you can to be vulnerable and that won’t mean much if your partner refuses to acknowledge your diagnosis. Meaning it also requires you to be conscious and have discussions around belief systems.
While ADHD doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to those on the outside, it is a lot for those of us dealing with it from day to day. Practice empathy.
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
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When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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