

What ADHD Looks Like In Women And How It Challenges Our Relationships
I was diagnosed with ADHD in the 7th grade. Whenever I reveal that, there’s always that great debate of whether my doctor is simply trying to dope me up or not. While I do agree that this occurs, I also believe it was the correct diagnosis for me. With that said, I have struggled for years socially because of what may appear to come across as my being rude or unorganized.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more aware and often feel the need to throw out a disclaimer whether I’m on my meds or off my meds, because truly, you cannot win on the social side of things. When I take my meds, I’m hyper-focused and lose my personality for a touch of time. I tend to not laugh, catch jokes as quickly, or my own humor is nonexistent. When I’m off the meds, especially after taking them for some time, I drift in and out of conversations that last for longer than five to10 minutes. And overall, I often find myself apologizing for my ADHD in social settings.
This doesn’t even begin to touch on the disorganization: losing car keys for days on end, locking myself out of the house, and forgetting things. The irony of it is that people with ADHD are often advised to make lists which is something that requires you to have some semblance of organization skills. I make mention of all of this because I often feel the perception regarding me in both my professional and personal relationships is that I’m this hot-ass mess–that’s the extent of the explanation. In reality, there’s so much more to unpack here.
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What I didn’t know was that ADHD could present itself differently based on factors like gender. In a 2019 study, it was shown that men displayed external symptoms more often than women, leaving women with ADHD misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. I have only recently discovered this and in learning this, I further wonder how it might show up differently for Black women as a whole. As with anything, culture has the ability to change the way disorders manifest within a community.
Furthermore, I became curious about how ADHD affects Black women in relation to our dating lives and challenges in our relationships. To confirm some of my thoughts, I reached out to Angela Banks, a licensed professional clinical counselor (LPCC) and clinical supervisor known as The Strong Friend's Therapist.
How ADHD Presents in Women
“ADHD tends to manifest as inattentiveness in women. It can impact their ability to focus, concentrate, complete tasks and stay organized,” Banks says. “These symptoms can cause people to stereotype Black women and assume they are ‘lazy’ or ‘have an attitude.’ These types of stereotypes can play into a woman’s self-esteem and cause her to feel like she is lazy, or it can cause her to work overtime to prove the stereotype wrong and overperform.”
According to Banks, this further impacts Black women, generally speaking, because they “are often viewed as ‘strong’ which means that people have higher expectations for them, and they also have those same high expectations for themselves. These types of expectations cause Black women to feel overwhelmed by obligations and feel the need to do more with less resources. When a Black woman’s functioning is affected by ADHD, she may view herself as a bad mom, wife or friend if she’s unable to meet those unrealistic expectations or perform at the standard that society has created.”
In addition to ADHD manifesting in women as inattentiveness, another symptom is indecisiveness. Banks explains, “Black women are at the bottom of the totem pole and already must make decisions while encountering oppression at almost every turn. There’s also a stigma related to mental health in the Black community, so even the idea of treatment or intervention can be overwhelming for a Black woman." Banks concludes that plus limited access to culturally responsive mental health providers sometimes influences whether or not Black women seek treatment or evaluation for ADHD.
Black Women, ADHD, and Romantic Relationships
And just how does this all affect Black women’s romantic relationships?
Banks notes that when we are not meeting expectations based on the role we assign to ourselves, it can be easy to feel less than and therefore less deserving of love. “Black women may find themselves feeling insecure in their relationships because of these challenges with ADHD. Black women have been expected to equate their value to their role in others’ lives for many years, which creates that insecure feeling. If I don’t value myself outside of that role, and I’m not meeting the perceived expectations of that role, it can ultimately impact self-esteem."
She concludes, "If one believes they are not performing well in their role and not reaching certain expectations, they may start to feel like they are not deserving of receiving healthy love. We sometimes call that ‘imposter syndrome.’ This can ultimately cultivate mistrust and might make it difficult to build those healthy romantic relationships.”
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Getting Out of Your Own Way: ADHD Help for Adults
Banks remind us to seek support, therapy included, in order to help us develop various coping skills but especially the ability to be vulnerable and transparent in turn helping to improve our relationships all around. From my personal experience, I will add that the difficult part about being vulnerable enough to seek help from the various systems in our lives will be the side-eying that occurs from doctors who think because you’re Black you’re abusing your meds or because you use Medicaid they don’t prioritize you or generally don’t view you as an autonomous being. For instance, my doctor refuses to give me my meds during my pregnancy because he thinks I need to wean myself off. This is despite the fact that my OB (not the same as my prescribing physician) has warned me that expecting moms who are ADHD have an increased risk of postpartum depression.
While I pray this isn’t so, this will impact every aspect of my life from my financial well-being to my ability to build a bond with my son, not to mention those who didn’t come from my womb. I said a mouthful to point out that support can feel difficult to access – easier said than done for sure – but despite this, we must continue to reach out for it. “A good therapist can also teach strategies to cope with ADHD and will provide an opportunity to practice that vulnerability and transparency with a person. Also, becoming okay with experiencing unpleasant feelings and emotions is a good way to be more transparent with others. The best way to be more open with others is to practice and put yourself out there to be uncomfortable. Once support is given from others, it will become easier to open up and build a solid support network.”
As far as expanding access to support based on cultural beliefs and systemic racism, Banks holds society accountable as well. She states, “Society needs to be understanding of how years of trauma and oppression have affected Black women. We need to be humanized and treated with compassion and empathy. Try putting yourself in our shoes and see if that helps in understanding a Black woman’s experience.”
And by society, this extends itself to significant others and potential partners. Be aware of comments and thoughts that suggest ADHD is fake – read the room. I think healthy dialogue is fine, but accusations are not, especially if your person feels the diagnosis and medication help.
Essentially, the key to improving your romantic relationships while coping with ADHD will be the same key that allows you to improve every other relationship in your life. And much like anything in this life, the last, and the next – it requires two! You can do all you can to be vulnerable and that won’t mean much if your partner refuses to acknowledge your diagnosis. Meaning it also requires you to be conscious and have discussions around belief systems.
While ADHD doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to those on the outside, it is a lot for those of us dealing with it from day to day. Practice empathy.
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Masturdating: A TikTok Dating Trend That We Should Totally Get Behind
Imma tell y’all what — it seems like not one week goes by when I don’t see some sort of so-called term that has me like, “What in the world?” For instance, when I first stumbled upon “self-partnering,” honestly, I laughed. Then shared it with some other single people as well as married folks I know. And I kid you not, every individual was like, “What the heck does that mean?” When I told them that it was yet, one more way to seemingly define single living, basically everyone’s follow-up was, “Oh, brother.”
Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
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Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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