Let's Stop Making Accepting Less Than You Deserve, 'Relationship Goals'
This past year has been nothing short of a roller coaster for Cardi B. With hit records, welcoming a new life into the world, feuds for days, and Grammy nominations, the road has been filled with many highs and some lows.
Despite moving past a separation from husband Offset, then getting back together it seems like Offset has found himself in the midst of cheating allegations once again.
While most of us side-eye their situation, this isn't the first time this has happened (and we don't know if it'll be the last). Last year when she broke the news of her separation from her husband via Instagram we were shocked at her transparency as she explained:
"It's nobody fault. I guess we grew out of love but we are not together anymore... it might take time to get a divorce and I'm going to always have a lot of love for him because he is my daughter's father."
I personally was shocked by Cardi's tact and poise when addressing this new life event, given her refreshingly explosive nature, but days later, we found out that it was just the calm before the storm. Each day, there seemed to be more details released in reference to Offset's alleged infidelity, and given the history of this whirlwind romance, it is not surprising.
However, I was shocked by the responses of many people urging Cardi to take her husband back amidst all this scandal, mainly after her husband's public Instagram plea for her to forgive him and to take him back as a birthday wish. Derrick Jaxn, Author and Self Love Ambassador, weighed in and said:
"People are talking about 'Take him back Cardi B!'... People are talking about 'Offset I am rooting for you bro, praying for you bro,' and it's like, in the beginning, it was a joke. People were talking about take Offset back, which is a mockery of the shit that a woman goes through whenever she gets betrayed and she gets her heart broken. At this point, all of those types of comments are downright disgusting because they totally disregard what Cardi B is going through."
But the question is, when are we going to stop glorifying dysfunctional relationships especially at the cost of a woman's heart? Are we so caught up on being his peace, that we are willing to encourage our women to be in pieces for the sake of romance? Is it that important?
What gets me hyped up in the gist of couples being broken apart because of a man's infidelity, is the disregard that others have for the woman on the receiving end of the behavior. I hear much more advice along the lines of "people make mistakes" and "you can't let this get in the way of your love" than I hear people telling women that they deserve better and that there is an abundance of men out there that will respect your commitment on the first try.
Let's not ignore the bruise that cheating leaves on a woman's heart and self-esteem and how embarrassing the whole ordeal is. The decision that a woman makes to continue a relationship after infidelity is her own, however, let's not make 'struggle love' the standard for relationships because it is not inclusive. There are a scarcity of men that will take back a woman after infidelity, so there is no shame in a woman making it a deal breaker as well.
It is time to start holding men to a higher standard in relationships, and at the very least require that the apology be as loud as the disrespect before even considering reconciliation. Cardi deserves better, just as most women who deal with similar problems in their relationships and if the behavior of a man does not change, there is no shame in moving forward. There is no better apology to self than knowing better and doing better.
Feature image by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for FENTY PUMA By Rihanna
New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Took Three Months Off From Work In The Name Of Radical Self-Preservation
In the fourth quarter of 2023, I finally did it. I pulled the plug! To be honest, it was a long time coming. I spent years juggling all of the balls in my life, and on October 2, 2023, I dropped every one of them and fell into surrender mode.
I couldn’t take it anymore - work, family, relationships, politics, death, the ramifications of COVID-19, and my fears creeping in. I had either put off dealing with these things, or I simply didn’t want to acknowledge them. Instead, my time, energy, and focus were on everyone and everything beside me. I pushed myself to the limit; then everything started to consume me. Burnout was swallowing me whole, you feel me?
All of this forced me to do some much-needed introspection which I turned into my self-proclaimed, "Fade to Black Season."
What is a “Fade to Black Season,” you may ask?
It’s a call to rest.
It’s a call to reset.
It’s a call to retreat into a deep, quiet space.
It’s radical self-preservation.
Deciding to step back from everything was not an easy decision for me. I contemplated taking a break from everything for many years until I couldn’t put it off anymore. If I didn’t take this time off, I knew I wouldn’t be able to truly show up for the life that I claimed that I wanted for myself.
I know I’m not the only one who has felt this immense weight on their shoulders. Why? Because I’m a Black woman. According to Every Level Leadership, 88% of Black women sometimes often, or always have experienced burnout. And let’s be honest here - Black women work harder than any other group. We are the backbone of our jobs, families, and community. Because of this, we must incorporate rest as an integral part of our well-being. In case there’s some pushback, I’ll leave this quote here for you to marinate on:
“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” - Zora Neale Hurston
The reality is that with piles of work and life obligations, many of us are walking time bombs. And, for me, two weeks of PTO/vacation wasn’t enough time needed to balance myself, so I took three months off. If you feel called to do so, let this be your inspiration to take your own “Fade to Black Season.”
Here’s what I did.
- Shadow Work: I became best friends with my journal and illuminated the things I hid from myself to heal. Shadow work consists of the things you don’t like about yourself, your conscious and unconscious fears, and other negative emotions that exist due to past experiences and trauma.
- Trigger Warning: During this time, I let my triggers become my wisest teacher. I asked myself why various experiences, news, or communications resulted in negativity. I observed them, listened, and learned why they took up so much space in my life. Then, I allowed myself to choose to be open to a different outcome or feeling moving forward.
- Get Back To Pleasure: I re-centered my pleasure. I had to remind myself of what turned me on. I allowed myself to take life slowly, engage my senses, and play. I signed up for every tantra workshop, went to art museums in the middle of the day, took movement classes, and went to dance parties. I moved all the stagnant energy out of my body.
- Let Others Lift You Up: I let my people love on me. I let my loved ones take care of me. This wasn’t easy. I was used to being everyone’s support system and soft space to land. However, in my time of need, I finally let my tribe show up and show out for me. My only regret is not letting them do this sooner.
- Social Media Break: I broke up with social media during this time. Reclaiming my time and attention was an integral factor in calming my nervous system. I put blockers on my phone, and when I felt the urge to swipe and scroll, I took a walk or picked up a book.
- Redefine Your Life: After doing this type of work, I knew that I would never be the same. In this new space, boundaries and balance are prioritized, and everything else has to fall in line. I now have the mental/emotional space and capacity to do my best work!
Best of all, during this time, I found God in myself, and I loved her, fiercely.
My “Fade To Black" Season allowed me to grieve in peace, rest, tap into unrelenting joy, and simply be. At this point, me and peace got a good thing going on. Nothing else will be tolerated!
For those of you who are nervous about taking the first step, use The Dufree Foundation’s DIY Sabbatical Guide to help you plan, prep, and prepare yourself for your sabbatical - this is something I wish I had done before I leaped. Consider going on a Divine Pause Retreat to learn tips and tricks to avoid mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual burnout.
For those who work in social impact, apply for The Durfee Sabbatical program, which offers $60,000 and a three-month sabbatical, so nonprofit leaders can be a lever for whole systems change.
The choice to take a sabbatical is up to you! Just remember to prioritize yourself and never pour from an empty cup.
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Featured image by Maskot/Getty Images