The Holidays Are Still Difficult For Me 16 Years After My Parents' Divorce
I was sixteen years old when I knew for sure my parents were getting divorced.
I'd heard it thrown around in the house, but it always seemed like chatter. We were on our way out the door to dinner for my sixteenth birthday. I remember this moment in my life so vividly, I can recall what I was wearing sixteen years ago: my favorite BeBe outfit — a black and white striped top with the Bebe logo in silver glitter, my black Bebe pants with the logo down the leg, and my favorite pair of black Sam and Libby wedges.
As I was walking down the stairs to meet my mom, dad, and sister in the kitchen — I could hear them arguing. Now, this was nothing new, and to be honest, my teenage brain knew that our family was breaking up. A few weeks later, I came home to find all of my clothes (which meant a lot to me at the time), beauty products, and everything I loved cleared out of the room I'd grown up in, and I was given an ultimatum. Either I'd come to our new home with my mom with all of my stuff or I could stay with my dad at the only home I'd known.
I went with my stuff. Looking back, I felt like I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. That day changed everything in my life. It changed my relationship with my dad, my mom, and how I navigated my emotions. For years, I felt the need to choose between my parents. As I got older, I thought things would get easier, but holidays, special events, birthdays, etc. are always difficult.
I now hate holidays and special occasions.
I still feel like that sixteen-year-old girl that wishes she could split herself into two so that my mom and dad never feel neglected. Now, that I've moved cross-country to California, coming home to Atlanta gives me a heightened level of anxiety. Like I did in my teenage years, I'm shuffling my suitcase back and forth between each house even though they are just six miles apart. I even make sure to leave things at each home so that they know I'm coming back. I know it probably seems a little silly, but being a child of divorce makes you do these things.
The holidays are hard for many people, and it's a scientific fact that depression tends to increase during the holidays due to an increase in demands, family issues, and being unable to manage expectations that come with the holiday season. I've debated opting to start to make my own holiday traditions so that I can take the pressure off of coming home each year, and feeling like a human pretzel.
But, even though the holidays have come to be a sore spot for me, I still love seeing my mom's house filled with four trees (yes, four), decked with ornaments from my childhood, and sitting by the fire watching a football game with my dad while asking if we can watch something else. I've realized that I have to give up the guilt of not spending the same amount of time with both of my parents each visit.
I now set boundaries and timelines that work for me.
Before I land at Hartsfield-Jackson, I give both parents my itinerary and let them know when I'm staying at each house, so that there are no questions (and boundaries are in place). I am one daughter doing the best she can, and I hope that my parents feel that.
Being the child of divorce isn't easy, but if I've learned nothing else it's that setting boundaries is the best way to keep your sanity while getting a chance to spend quality time with those you love. If you find the holidays to be difficult and struggle with trying to please everyone, breathe sis, it'll balance out soon. Do your best to honor yourself in the process.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Bianca Lambert is a proud Atlanta native soaking up the Los Angeles sun. She is the founder of Mae B: a stationery company for women of color and a digital content creator on a mission to elevate the voices of women of color everywhere.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images