How To Raise A Child With An Ex Lover
My ex-husband and I started out as best friends.
Then accidental lovers.
Then we were obsessed with each other for a while.
We got married, we fought like dogs, we ended and got back together, and then ended one last time.
That's the short version of our story. All lovers have a story, and like a quilt it's made up of scraps and pieces of things that once had so much meaning. Lovers come and go. Sometimes the thought of them chills you, sometimes it warms you — reminds you of your youth or your stupidity or your frivolity.
Sometimes you make a baby with your lover. And when you do, the two of you are bound together in a way that will sometimes feel like a cruel joke and like the only family you actually have. Because two things happen when you make a permanent decision with a temporary person:
You realize that life will not soften itself for you. And you realize that everything you ever did together left a mark.
If you want to rub salt in your ex-lover's wounds, this probably isn't the article for you to read. If you aren't ready to embrace the cardinal rule of parenthood (that it's hard and not really about you), this probably isn't the article for you to read.
I'm writing this for those of us who are trying to get it together. We're trying to be parents and people at the same time, trying to raise kids that won't grow up feeling like they missed out on something. We, the jugglers of glass balls, have no road map for this.
But I have learned a few things along the way.
Healing Is Messy
No breakup is mutual.
Let me repeat.
No. Break up. Is. Mutual.
One of you is hurt more than the other. Even when breaking up was the only logical outcome. And hurting while trying to raise children is like drowning while you blow up a life vest.
If you want to build a healthy, sustainable, long-lasting relationship with the only other person in the world who loves your kid as much as you do — then you will both have to heal.
Healing from a break up requires space. Be ok with that. Let the scrapes and cuts touch some fresh clean air, un-muddled by each other's presence. Be ok with a little bit of silence, be ok with having a few strained conversations consisting of only “kid stuff", be ok with someone who once looked at you like you were made of silk starting to avoid eye contact altogether.
Be ok with these things and they will pass.
Your relationship is going to get better. It's ok that you don't like each other right now. Stay kind, stay as supportive as possible — but you are not best friends right now.
And that's ok.
Establish Boundaries
Someone once told me that she had to get to know her ex-husband as a new person after they divorced. There is an unlearning process that happens when two people are forced to move on. Some topics may no longer be your business anymore. I remember biting my tongue when my ex told me he was going to be busy Saturday night.
Was it a date? Did she meet my son? Was it serious?
I felt entitled to the answers to the questions that popped up in my mind. But his Saturday night activities were no longer my business. For a while, we kept our conversations to our son's tuition, clothes he needed, funny things he said or did. Eventually, we started laughing at old inside jokes again and feeling like friends again. But that came after almost a year of learning things the hard way.
Your ex-lover doesn't need to know who you're dating. They don't need to know where you're going. They don't need to know anything that may lead to an uncomfortable conversation. You're entitled to your privacy, and so are they.
Don't blur lines with your co-parent. Don't exist in a tangle of comfort zones. Parenthood is hard, lonely sometimes — especially when you're single. Especially when you're healing. But do the hard shit.
Break up. Move on. Be separate people.
Have Some Respect
I once had a completely ignorant and highly disrespectful argument with my son's father. Later that same day I told our son how Daddy used to be a pro skateboarder and how cool he is for always following his dreams. In my mind exist two people. The man I fell in love with, saw magic in and had a child with. And the guy I sometimes want to set on fire.
My son is only privy to one of those people. The dope one. Because our marriage along with it's crash and burn is our business — his and mine. Not our son's. We keep our occasional 'hatred' to ourselves and leave the beautiful bits for our offspring to sort through.
Let your children know they come from beauty. Because your roots will always have an impact on how far you feel entitled to grow.
Please Get Laid
You might need a few months or even a year before you're really ready to move on with someone new. And couple that with being a single parent — who has time to date?
Find the time.
Move on. Find a handsome, exciting man or a gorgeous, amazing woman, and go have fun. Put some effort into a new love. Or a new 'Netflix & Chill' buddy. Because putting effort towards a love life also translates into putting effort into yourself. Take all those lessons you learned from your previous situation and be better for someone new. Get laid, get lost on your kid-free weekend, feel sexy, dance in the darkness, go kiss someone who thinks you fart strawberry-scented unicorn dust.
Don't be one of those people stuck on punishing themselves because of their last 'failed' love. No love is a failure. You're seasoned now, that's all.
So go be spicy.
And please. Please. Get laid.
Get To Know Each Other's Partners
You can be mad about it all you want. But that man or woman you no longer want to be with is your family. But it's complicated when you have to simultaneously push them away and at the same time — embrace them more than anyone in your life.
Still, they are and will always be your family. Their new partners…also your family now. Be respectful of each other's new partners, embrace new partners.
At the center of this amalgamated family are children who deserve to look around their various spaces and see a community of grown-ups who are helping them thrive.
Pick a day per week or a day per quarter — but make it consistent. Plan a road trip or a museum day or go see a movie. Spend time as a family, stay engaged, keep it light and keep it fun.
There is no dusting off of the hands and walking away here. Settle in.
Enjoy (Spoil) Your Kid
There's a good chance that if you call me on a random Friday night I won't pick up. Not because I'm out with the girls or on a hot date, but because I'm in bed with popcorn, my 3 year old, his stuffed elephant (named “Monkey") and a marathon of kids movies.
I have kept my son home from preschool on a random Tuesday, called off meetings and cleared my schedule just to go lay on a beach with him and build sand turtles.
Sometimes we go get on rides at the kid's park after school when I should be running errands. When he asks me for a new Hot Wheels car at Target even though we're only there to get cheese and body wash, I always say yes.
His dad and I plot on gifts for him. We let him ball out a little more often than we did when we were together. I'm sure child-rearing experts will say spoiling your kids to make up for family changes is irresponsible.
But if something creates a joyful experience in your child's life — you do it. And you do it as often as you possibly can. I'm not saying let your well-mannered child morph into an asshole because he no longer has boundaries…
…But, like, let him eat cake.
Utilize The Internet
Technology is a beautiful thing. I embrace it fully when it comes to raising kids in two households. It makes things easier and it makes things interesting.
Here are a few co-parenting life hacks:
Digital Diary
Set up a free gmail account for your kid (i.e. “mykidsname@gmail.com") and make it a point to create an email diary together. Both of you can send emails with stories or quick thoughts as you observe your child growing up from two separate perspectives. Throw in photos, voice messages, videos — whatever.
Give your kid the password when they turn 18.
Skype, Hangout, FaceTime — Always
My son's father is in New York. We're in California. But, thanks to FaceTime, his father is still part of bed time. He's part of our drive to school in the morning. Our son hears us talk about work, how he's doing in preschool, bills. He doesn't understand the complicated bits, but he knows Daddy and Mommy still laugh together, still care about each other and still remain on the same team. If you can't have traditional interactions, create new traditions.
Remember They Have Apps For Everything
Who has the kid on which days? Can we switch, I have a thing that night. Who's paying for next month's co-pay? What's your social again?
Get organized and stay on top of stuff. Don't always be the parent who forgot to bring the cupcakes. They have apps for everything now. Apps like 2houses and Ailmentor offer solutions for managing child-related finances, medical records, custody calendars, and more. Download and do better.
A Few Final Words of Encouragement
If you're like me you probably beat yourself up on occasion. You tell yourself you messed up, you should have tried harder, you should have been more mindful. I have a moment at least once a month in which I almost convince myself that I'm completely ruining my child.
But I'm not. And neither are you.
You're amazing. If you clicked on this you probably click on a lot of parenting articles and that makes you even more amazing. Stay open to the possibility that this is the exact journey you (and your child) are meant to be on. That this — the mess, the pain, the weirdness — is beautiful. Beauty isn't perfection. Beauty is grace. Accept yourself as much as possible, because raising kids isn't easy and it comes with a rainfall of bad advice and people who may convince you that you are doing it wrong.
But you're not. And neither am I.
Your ex-lover is a beautiful person. Don't convince yourself that they aren't as a way of rationalizing why it didn't work. Things don't work sometimes and often the reason why is hard to put your finger on. But the subtleties of life are just as important as the flashing lights.
So embrace the fact that your ex is your ex.
Acknowledge the fact that, despite the breakup, you're forever bound.
Seek the grace that exists between holding on and letting go.
Dance in the awkwardness to come. Smile. Love yourself and every dumb decision you have ever made.
This is life now, kiddo. Welcome to adulting.
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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