

It really is interesting how the Universe works. Just yesterday afternoon, I had a conversation with a friend of mine who was excited to tell me that, after several years of dating, two of his friends not only decided to get engaged, they are planning to get married before 2020 rolls around. Chile, you already know, with this way this year has been moving, that's like them saying that they're basically getting married tomorrow. Anyway, little did I know that it was probably right around that conversation that Cassie was doin' the damn thing herself by making it official with the man she just got engaged to, and we wrote about, almost a month to the day—Mr. Alex Fine.
When I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and saw the news about it, shoot, everywhere, I did what I'm sure thousands of others have at this point. I headed on over to her IG to see what she had posted. At the time that I'm writing this, since she announced her engagement, honestly, there hasn't been much. I mean, there's literally been three pictures. A dope casual one of her overlooking the ocean at sunset, a black-and-white shot of her and her beloved and, a picture that appears to be a portrait of Cassie and Alex using water as a bedsheet (that last one is what she posted yesterday). But no wedding announcement. No wedding pics (one of their friends posted the feature shot you see; that's how we know that it went down).
And to tell you the truth, that makes me like Cassie and Alex even more; they're too busy being into each other and actually living life to be out here constantly posting on the gram. Good for them. Really.
And while I could get into a media version of connect the dots (at least based on what we think that we know about Cassie's journey) or I could low-key troll to see what—eh hem—others have to say about this new season in her life, personally, I think all of that is totally unnecessary. I say that because there is a Jewish tradition called a mikveh. It's the act of immersing yourself in water to symbolize a new season in your life. Some Jews do it right before they get married. I dig the concept. To me, wedding days should be seen this way. It really doesn't matter what happened before you and the one you decide to commit your lives to have experienced. If you were paying close attention, it all prepared you for the moment when you look into each other's eyes and pledge to become one with each other. Everything prior to that is…fodder. Kinda irrelevant too. Because relevancy speaks to purpose. Your wedding day signifies a renewal and a purpose that requires leaving so much of who you were and what you did…behind.
Still, the reason why I wanted to shout Cassie and Alex out, just one-more-time-again, is because of something that Alex actually shared earlier this summer on his Instagram page. It was on June 12, to be exact:
"Letter to Cassie
"I promise you that I will do every single thing in my power to support you and help you. I promise that you will never be alone.I promise that you will be loved beyond expectation and we will show our children how to be in a healthy relationship. I promise to always come home with a great attitude and give our children and you undivided attention. I promise to always keep you and the child first nothing comes before you.
"I promise you will be showered in kisses and hugs every single day. I promise that I will be the best father/baby daddy. You two are my greatest loves I have and will ever have. I cannot wait for the rest of our lives together and to raise a beautiful happy child in our beautiful happy life."
Yes Alex. Beautiful Alex. We totally support you on this, Alex.
If you've ever read any article that I've written on celebrity news, I try my best to use them as teachable moments; to find ways to apply whatever I'm covering to our own lives. On the day following Cassie's wedding day, here are three takeaways that I hope we keep in mind in the midst of our own love journeys.
A man of his word is a man you can trust. A man you can trust is a man you can respect. A man you can respect is a man you can love—and shouldn’t be afraid to commit to.
I try my best to put the disclaimer in that we don't know what famous people have going on behind closed doors. All we know is what they tell us and what others have to think about it. But I will say that when I looked at Cassie, all beautiful in her wedding dress (I really dig the veil, Mrs. Fine), the part where Alex said, "I promise that you will never be alone" in his summer post did indeed come to mind. He just asked her to marry him on August 27, y'all. They got married on September 25. He didn't just say, "I mean, let's see how this thing goes" or "Let's just enjoy being engaged for a while". Alex solidified his promise with a lifelong commitment. At the same time, Cassie didn't hesitate to oblige. It's easy to just…move forward when trust, respect and love—all three, not just one—are in place.
If you're currently seeing someone and you desire to be married, please make sure that this winning combo is a part of your own relationship. That you can trust him and he can trust you. That you can respect him and he can respect you. That you love him and he loves you—and that there are actions to back up those three important words.
This brings me to my next point.
When men know, they know. And they move based on what they know.
I'm a marriage life coach, so I talk to married couples a lot. Of the healthy and happy ones that I've talked to, something that the husbands have always told me is they knew; they knew their wife was the one. And because they knew, they didn't want to drag their feet. They didn't need her to give them ultimatums. They weren't interested in long and drawn out engagements either.
Although I think a lot of people sleep on the benefits of eloping or having a small wedding, I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with a having a big ceremony or taking the time that's needed to plan (and pay) for one. What I am saying is most marriage counselors, therapists and coaches will tell you that if you're engaged for longer than two years, that's something to really think long and hard about. An engagement should speak to the intention of getting married; not eventually but sooner than later. And if two people truly want to marry one another, why wait?
It's just my personal take on things, but whenever a single man, who's in a relationship, tells me that he's thinking about proposing, the two things that I say is, "Make sure you can pay for your ring upfront" (you'd be amazed how many wives are still paying on their own engagement ring because their husband financed it, fell on hard times and how she's having to pay it off) and "If you're not ready to say 'I do' within the year…wait."
We know that Alex was "'bout it" because it took—and by "took" what I really mean is wasted—no time. Cassie being his fiancée wasn't enough for him. He was on a mission to make her his wife.
Let God write your love story.
Oh, please believe that I get asked often if I ever get weary from being a never-been-married-before single woman and dealing with marriage so much. Not really because 1) being a marriage life coach has shown me a side of marriage that a lot of singles don't get to see; it has made me look at it from a much more realistic perspective and 2) I don't want someone else's love story; I want my own. How ever many chapters it needs to have, so be it.
You know, a quote that I really like is, "Your love story is different from those you watch in movies. Movies were written by screenwriters. Yours was written by God." If you're currently single and reading this, while you might be tempted to secretly envy Cassie, I'm going to encourage you not to do that. Be happy for her love story. Also, stay positive and excited about your own. Literally, this time last year, Cassie's life was very, very different. Your story is still being written. Simply relax and play your part (try not to do your own "editing" either. He knows best).
As for Mr. and Mrs. Fine, I couldn't be happier. Promises keep being made. Promises keep being fulfilled. Just how love should be. From the entire xoTribe, congrats and blessings upon blessings to you both. Keep enjoying the chapters of your own very special love story.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Sooo...Do You Want A Marriage? Or Just A Wedding?
Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'
You REALLY Want To Get Married. Why Is That?
Before You Marry Him, Check Out His Relationships With Other Folks
Feature image by David M. Benett/Dave Benett/Getty Images for Mark's Club
- What The Ciara's, Cassie's & Karrueche's Of The World Have Shown ... ›
- 6 Ways Cassie's “Love Glow-Up” Is A Part Of Us All - xoNecole ›
- Cassie's Pregnancy Announcement Is A Reminder Of The Good ... ›
- Did Cassie and Boyfriend Alex Fine Get Married? | Entertainment ... ›
- Cassie marries Alex Fine in beautiful wedding ceremony | Metro News ›
- Cassie marries Alex Fine in Malibu ceremony officiated by Friday ... ›
- Congrats! Cassie and Alex Fine Are Married [Photo] | lovebscott.com ›
- Cassie & Alex Fine Married: All The Details From Their Wedding ... ›
- Singer Cassie and Celebrity Trainer Alex Fine Get Married In ... ›
- Cassie Marries Alex Fine One Month After Announcing Engagement ... ›
- Pregnant Cassie Marries Alex Fine After Nearly 1 Year Together ›
- Cassie Ventura Marries Alex Fine | PEOPLE.com ›
- Cassie and Alex Fine Got Married ›
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
My personal relationship with birth control pills is a bit of an odd one. Back when I first became sexually active (I started having sex with my first boyfriend a couple of months shy of 19), I took them for a couple of months, didn’t like how they made me feel, and so I quit using them altogether (and got pregnant almost immediately after). The rest of my adult life, I stayed off of the pill and pretty much only used condoms (and even then, not consistently — SMDH).
And yet here I am, now, all these years later, back on them again: surprise, surprise.
These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
Okay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
____
Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Unsplash