I was in a loveless relationship, having the worst sex of my life with a man I wanted to marry. Yes, you read that right.
I spent three years of my life trying to progress a relationship that was never meant to be my forever, but I was persistent in my pursuit to meet him at the altar because, well, I thought that was what you were supposed to do in a long-term relationship. My fear of missing out on being a wife with a dog and a white picket fence led me to stay in a toxic relationship that sabotaged us both. I loved him just because he was there, until one day I looked up, and he wasn't anymore.
It wasn't until two years after grieving and mourning the love that once was that I learned that my fairy tale ending could still be a reality, it's just that sometimes, you don't get the fairy tale right the first time. The brokenness I felt when that relationship saw its final curtain call did not define me, but it did teach me a lesson in the power of my choices. I think every woman comes to a crossroads in her life when she has to be clear about her intentions.
Ultimately, I had to decide what I wanted more: the fairy tale or the man, and in the end, I chose myself.
I've never met Cassie, and although I'm sure she's a dope individual, I can't speculate on what has or has not happened in her love life. What I can say is, it's a beautiful thing when a woman can become selfish enough about her own needs to find the good in goodbye.
Last night, Cassie and her baby zaddy/celebrity personal trainer, Alex Fine, announced that they would be welcoming a bouncing baby girl to the world with social media posts that broke the internet. The couple made their relationship public late last year and now only six months later, they're officially taking the first steps in becoming the Family Fine. While their heartwarming announcement sparked an emotional response that had Black twitter in tears, it also sparked a debate about Cassie's previous relationship with Diddy.
While some praised the soon-to-be mom for moving on from a fruitless relationship and finding true love, others criticized Diddy for being a "waste of time" and an example for men who can't get their sh*t together, causing them to miss out on the one who "got away".
Cassie spent her 20s enjoying the world off the dime of a man she/everyone knew wouldn’t settle down and, when she… https://t.co/JrjFwaDCwA— Candice Marie Benbow (@Candice Marie Benbow) 1560435167.0
But, I would like to personally submit a request to the Black Coalition of Social Media Users that we leave Diddy out of this, mind the business that pays us, and just say congrats.
Cassie was never publicly critical of her relationship with her former lover, so why should we be? When a woman's ready to bust a move, she'll move, and Cassie did exactly that after she and Diddy's nearly 10-year relationship. It's quite possible that Cassie never wanted to get married or have a family with Diddy because being in a long-term relationship isn't enough to qualify a man as marriage material, sis.
Some users speculated that the couple's relationship has moved relatively fast, but when you know, you know; and judging by the articulately captioned posts by Cassie's bull riding boothang, it wasn't hard to tell.
Although we haven't gotten to the chance to catch a glimpse of Cassie's belly full of baby just yet, Alex captioned the announcement with open letters that will give you all the feels. In a public message to his unborn child, he apologized in advance for embarrassing forehead kisses at school dropoffs and his adamant disproval for potential suitors. He wrote:
"I will be the first man in your life and will show you the greatest love and affection now and forever. I never thought my heart could grow bigger after meeting your mother... then I found out we were having you and I instantly felt a love that is so indescribable. I promise to be at every dance recital, concert, sporting event, school plays whatever you decide to do I will be there and support you. I am your number one fan.I promise to be a man that you and your mother look up to and love. I will always listen and put the both of you first.I will show you a healthy relationship and how you deserve to be treated."
That part.
I don't hate my ex. I hope he finds great sex, a relationship overflowing with love, and ultimately gets his storybook ending one day, too. For now, I'm just happy for the lessons I learned during the process that prepared me to be a wife with a dog and a white-picket fence one day, but only when the vision is right. Sometimes we don't get the fairytale right the first time, but take a page out of Cassie's book. Dust yourself off, sis, and try again with new intentions.
Now, can somebody tell Ciara and Cassie to step into this prayer closet and put an anointing on my life please, cause I need that scripture, sis.
Featured image by Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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